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[testingthewaters]

There are probably a lot more eloquent ways to describe cancer, but "sucks" is about as close as I can get right now.

I'm trying to pull myself together after the news earlier this week that my mom's leukemia has reached the end of the road in terms of treatment. I've not been succeeding, so far. She's been fighting for 2 years, and just came out of 2 serious chemos, but the leukemia won. Her hematologist estimates she has weeks left, though it could also be a few months.

I feel like there is no room left in me for anything else- spouse, work, anything- but intense sadness and, increasingly, fury. I've never had such a short fuse as the past few days, and have picked fights with my spouse and thrown fits of biblical proportions. My spouse has been nothing but supportive and caring through the whole process and doesn't deserve that. I can see that he's also reaching the end of what he has to give, not because he doesn't want to, but because the past 2 years have taken a lot out of everyone.

I live on the opposite side of the Atlantic. I've been fortunate to have understanding colleagues and have been able to put money aside to travel back and forth regularly, though I don't know how that is going to go in the coming months- eventually, my colleagues will reach the end of their patience and my bank account will hit zero. My brain is in a total fog and doesn't feel like it's coming out anytime soon. Eventually, I'm going to have to pick up work again- I can't very well bail from now until time indeterminate, much as I'd like to. But I just don't see my brain functioning any time soon.

I feel like I've passed into mourning while she's still here, and that feels wrong, too.

This all just sucks.

[stanwyck]

I don't know if it helps to hear that what you're feeling is normal, but I'll say it anyway.  You would not believe the levels of anger I hit when my father died after a lengthy (7-year) illness.  I can say that my anger was exacerbated by the fact that I was away when he died--angry that I had made a series of decisions that sent me overseas for the last eleven months of his life, angry that no one let me know how close it was so that I could a least try to get back before the final moment, angry because I was living in a place that seemed to cultivate anger as a way of life...  

I eventually ended up with a grief counselor.  One thing she pointed out is that by the time my father died, I'd already exhausted a lot of my emotional/physical/financial resources.  I don't know how many cross-country dashes during the dead of winter I made in the years he was ill, planning the funeral along the way. He'd pull through, I'd relax, and then we'd start all over again.  It's exhausting, you never know if you're coming or going, if this is going to be it or not, what comes next, all of that.  

The run up to losing a parent is hard, the actual loss is hard, and the truth is, you're going to be in a fog for awhile.  I kept holding on to what everyone else told me:  it takes 12 months after the death to get to the point where you aren't hysterically angry all the time, a full three years to reorient yourself to life after the loss.  My 12 months were more like 16 or 17:  three extra ones for finishing up my dissertation fieldwork, during which time I just had to bury my head in the sand and not think about it, and then an extra three or four tagged on to the end of the initial grieving period because I also had to adjust to living in the U.S. again while grieving.

I felt like I'd passed into mourning before my dad died, too, but in retrospect, that pre-mourning phase felt a lot different than what came afterward.  My partner put up with a lot--I picked a lot of fights, too--and luckily, we seem to have made it.

One small academic thing someone did to help me was send me a copy of Renato Rosaldo's article, "Grief and a Headhunter's Rage." Rosaldo wrote it after his first wife died suddenly, and I felt like his description of rage was right on the money.

Feel free to send a PM.  You're in a hard spot right now, and unfortunately, I think I know how you feel.

[prytania3]

Testing, cancer does suck, and I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.

I have no advice for you but wanted to let you know you are both in my thoughts.

[merinoblue]

I am so sorry. There are no right feelings when a parent is dying. It is an exhausting, overwhelming, and lonely experience. What I have to say sound so cliched, I hope you will not find it patronizing. Focus on each day and the positive: the good things about your relationship with her, and your feelings towards her. The act of caring for my mother, even when I could not be with her, made each day meaningful to me.

[southerntransplant]

Cancer does indeed suck, and no more eloquent expressions for it are necessary.

I'm sorry about your mother.

[wild_rose]

I'm so sorry, Testing.




And I agree: cancer sucks. Bigtime.

[llanfair]

Testing, I know what you mean about mourning before the fact.  My mother's Alzheimer's is now mid-stage, and she's getting a lot less stable emotionally (ie. she's frequently very angry over very little).  This is making both me and the SO withdraw from her.  It's not something we can help, and when we catch it happening, we try to behave as tho' nothing's wrong ... tho' that backfires too, because she then accuses us of patronising her.

No wise words for you, just hugs and supportive thoughts.  Cancer is cruel.

[epinonymous]

I am also not a big fan of the words "sucks", but in the case of cancer I am not sure that any other word fits.

I just finished my active treatment (with an extremely high probability of recurrence).Cancer does indeed suck. There is not a thing pretty and pink about it, in any of its forms.

Also, because it is October and we cannot escape the breast cancer pink mafia, let me make a plug for Breast Cancer Action and its "Think Before You Pink" campaign that highlights the practice of "pinkwashing" among breast cancer groups and corporations.

I believe that at this point we are all aware of cancer. Instead of millions spent on brochures and pink paraphernalia about awareness, I would prefer dollars and attention focused on more effective treatments, social disparities in the incidence of cancer, prevention strategies, environmental contributors, and a blasted cure.

My condolences to you and others dealing with loss. I am very sorry and hope that you find peace in your future, and are kind to yourself as you go through this process.

[littlefred]

I'm so sorry testing! I know there isn't really anything I can say that will make it better, but I am thinking of you.

[bioteacher]

I'm very sorry you and your family are all going through this. If there are better words to describe your situation, they will likely get caught in the CHE filter.

It sounds to me like what you are feeling is very normal, expected, and miserable. The only way "out" is soldiering onward. The load gets heavier without warning, and then you trip.

Please look into getting a grief counselor. A voice of sanity outside your normal circle might be able to help you navigate these challenges with a few more battle scars. It may also be helpful to your spouse to talk to the counselor. This affects both of you and you are both so drained that when you go "a-frame" and try to lean on each other, you knock each other down. The counselor can reinforce you both so you don't collapse as you lean. It will also give you both a "safe" place to vent.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. May you find the courage to face each day, the peace to sleep each night, the support to keep afloat at work, and memories of happier times to sustain you in the current truggle.

[amlithist]

Testing, I'm so, so sorry.  It's hard to understand, but as others have said, what you've gone through the past couple of years has extended the grief.  I, too, became incredibly hateful at times with my husband during Mom's illness (and it was a series of chronic problems over about 7 or 8 years, with the occasional "we don't think she's going to come out of this" crisis, just to mix it up).  He, too, is a saint, and he was also very close to Mom.  I don't have any magic words, just hugs and good wishes.  And by all means, feel free to PM if you like; I'm a good listener, esp. if you just need someone to "yell" at about the rottenness of it all--been there, done that, and I heartily agree.

In the end, I've lost both parents to cancer--Dad, with lung cancer, when he was 54 and I was 16; Mom, July last year, after all her other problems, to uterine cancer that she was too frail and weak to treat.  This might sound hokey, but I have a silver ring I wear to remind me:

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO...
--steal eternal life
--conquer the spirit
--suppress memories
--kill friendship
--cripple love
--corrode faith
--shatter hope
--destroy peace
--silence courage
--invade the soul

Peace to you, your SO, and your mother and extended family, Testing.  And let yourself be angry.  As one of Mom's hospice workers told me when I was in the depths, if somebody doesn't "get it," they aren't worth worrying about.  Love and hugs.

[benchmark]

So sorry testing. So sorry epinonymous, and thanks for the thoughts on think before you pink.

Went through this with my sister, and it truly sucks.

[infopri]

I'm so sorry, testingthewaters!  The only thing wrong with using the word "sucks" is that it isn't nearly strong enough--but I'm at a loss for a stronger word.  I lost my mother to cancer about a year and a half ago.  It's perfectly normal--and, believe it or not, good--to be angry.  To repress those feelings will only delay and exacerbate them.  Ask me how I know.  (Actually, that comes from my father's death, from heart disease, when I "didn't have time" to deal with my feelings--I was in the first year of my doctoral program--and they not only refused to go away, but actually led to a full-blown depression, because they had no outlet.)

I don't have much advice for dealing with work, money, and the other tangible problems you will have to face.  However, pay no attention to anyone who tells you that any part of your emotional reaction "should" take 12 months, or three years, or whatever.  Everyone responds to a loss differently--and even the same person responds differently to different losses.  You will have good days and bad days, both now and after your mom is gone (whenever that happens).  Some days, a particular memory will fill you with overwhelming sadness or anger or devastating grief--and on other days, the same memory will bring you peace and comfort.  Grief is a messy process, and unfortunately there are no absolutes about how to do it right or how long it takes.

I second the suggestion to consult a grief counselor.  After I finally recognized (two years later) that I was depressed, I found one, and he helped me to find my way back onto my emotional feet.  And you can always PM me, if you want.  My thoughts are with you and your mother.  I hope that whatever time is left is as good as it can possibly be, for as long as it can possibly be.

[bibliothecula]

I'm so sorry, testingthewaters. I agree also on the suggestions of a grief counselor. I'm thinking of you.

[llanfair]

And a big, warm hug for both you and your mom, Testing.  We're all with you.