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[brahmagupta]

Alright, I'm not sure if this exactly qualifies as the "opposite" of the two-body problem, but I thought I'd ask for insight on these boards. 

My wife is about to go on the job market.  I knew what I was getting into when I said "I do;" in fact, she made very sure I knew because she was not going to compromise career for relationship and had no interest in someone who would fall to pieces when the reality of academia set in.  The thing is, I'm not sure I totally grasped it.  Sure, I knew the job market was tough, and I knew we'd have to go wherever she landed a (hopefully) TT job, but I thought that certainly we'd have options.  There are many places in the country (U.S.) in which I would be perfectly happy to live, only a few in which I would be miserable, and a handful of "ideals."  When picturing my adult life, I thought I'd live in an ideal place, because, well, I picked a career I can do anywhere (before I met the wife), and so I'd live where I please.  And even after all the warnings, I figured that of course we'd end up somewhere nice.  Maybe not ideal, but close to it, and if I'm really honest with myself, I guess I thought an ideal was in the realm of possibility.

So my question is, for those of you who have non-academic partners (or the partners of academics who may lurk around here), how did you help them (or how did they help themselves) deal with the year on the job market, the uncertainty, the letting go of ideals?  Maybe I just need to shut up and be supportive, but is there a way to navigate this in which we both end up happy?  This certainly isn't a "should I leave my wife" question, because I'm in this for good, but maybe there are some tricks to making this easier.

Thanks for any insight offered.

[concordancia]

Welcome BG. As an academic, I will state that most of us have gone through this process in our own heads, as well. Granted, we had what looks to you like control, since we were the ones making the final decision, but the fact is in the end, I chose my career over my geographic ideals, with few choices available. But, hey, I won't have to worry about hurricanes here!

I couldn't bring myself to send out apps to SD or ID, but then realized that one of the interviews in Washington State was within a short drive of the border, so it was entirely mental: it was my sense of control.

The thing to remember is that places can surprise you. I hated living in Miami. I never would have guessed that without moving there. Now I live in one of those places where a lot of people say they would never move. I myself was a bit wary, but things are going really well for me now.

Mostly, you can listen and use general advice for good communication.

Good luck!

[carebearstare]

For an academic couple (with one or both partners in the field), going on the market is one of those $hit hitting the fan moments. In other words, it's a time when you start to grasp the true meaning of the vows you took and how much you are truly willing to sacrifice for another person.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think there's an easy way to do this. There is nothing that quite prepares you for that moment in life when you realize that all the dreams and plans and hopes and ideas you had about how you wanted your life to be will probably not come true, and if they do they might not feel exactly dream-like.

I have a non-academic spouse and I went on the market only a few months after we were wed. I told him over and over that academic work was like military deployment, and he took it in stride. In the end, I ended up at a job that was less desirable for me in a place we could both, on paper, stomach living. Two plus years in, I can't wait to move but my SO is more or less settled here. I'm not sure what will happen next.

The only thing you can do really is confirm your love for one another and pledge to get through it without too much resentment. And park your expectations at the door. This may not be the first time you've had to give up something you really wanted for her, but it sure as heck won't be the last.

[larryc]

Maybe I just need to shut up and be supportive

Yes.

And no. You need to be enthusiastic about living anywhere that there is a job. "Manitoba? Oh honey I have always wanted to ice fish!" Get online and find fun things to do there.

And you know what? There are good things everywhere, and fun people, and folks who like living there and will take you out with them to have the local version of fun. Keep an open mind.

[erzuliefreda]

And you know what? There are good things everywhere, and fun people, and folks who like living there and will take you out with them to have the local version of fun. Keep an open mind.

Yes. And then, hopefully, in a few years, if location really sucks, she can publish your way out. While she works toward this goal, be supportive, do the cooking and laundry, and cross your fingers.

I dragged my SO to a city neither of us would have chosen. It's been okay for a couple of years, but I'd be lying if I said we don't dream of returning to civilization in a few years. Jobs aren't forever, or at least that's the mantra that lets me put up with this place. Best of luck.

[macaroon]

Maybe I just need to shut up and be supportive

Yes.

And no. You need to be enthusiastic about living anywhere that there is a job. "Manitoba? Oh honey I have always wanted to ice fish!" Get online and find fun things to do there.

And you know what? There are good things everywhere, and fun people, and folks who like living there and will take you out with them to have the local version of fun. Keep an open mind.

Chime, here.  Bloom where you are planted. All places are nice places if there is clean drinking water and no land mines.

Plus, if you have portable, generally useful skills (say, you're an accountant or a plumber), and you land somewhere remote, there is a better than average chance that your wife's university will want you to work for them.  Those remote places have difficulty recruiting trained non-faculty employees as well.  That would be nice, wouldn't it?  Coffee break with the wife? 

[lizzy]

My darling husband moved across the country with me and our toddler. We went to a place that was totally different, where we stuck out like sore thumbs. He basically settled in and then went about doing what he'd done in Collegetown--he found a job, made some friends (it helps that he's very social and easy to get along with) and tended to his family.

We made the move to Currenttown in large part to be closer to our families. We're still a good 4-5 hour drive away from most of our family members, but it's doable in good weather and it's nice to at least be in the same time zone.

The key for us was open communication. He was unhappy at points and could talk to me about it. I've been unhappy at points with Currenttown and I can talk to him about it. We don't blame each other.

Just talk. And resist the impuse to become defensive or accusatory. Our mantra has been "we're in this together."  In a way, the distance from family and friends has strengthened us, in the sense that we're all we've got.

[nontrad_jr]

While I personally put family above career (I'm at a not prestigious institution to stay near family) one of the things that let me know that my non-academic DH was serious about me was when he found a job opening for me in the Mid-west small town (we're both big city coasters) and he was serious about moving.

I think that you do have to get behind the words that you said when you agreed to move where her career takes you BUT you can also establish some ground rules.  Discussing what the options are before applying (not that you have say, but that you know why she's interested), going along on the on-campus visits (if you can swing it financially) so you can check out the town while she interviews (and so she can talk to you in the hotel about all the horros of the day) and that you get to have some input into the final decision if there are choices to be made.

Good luck, these days being on the job market is just so stressful.