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[enjoyworking]

I am seeking advice here.

I am an AP at a TT position, who just finished the first year in May. I found myself sinking into severe depression and possibly bi-polar six weeks ago, but realized how bad it was until two weeks ago when I cried bad when driving back from a good trip with relatives.

(I have been like this from March--Whenever I think about my TT job, I experience excessive tearfulness and sense of "hopelessness"/"worthlessness" so it has been a long while--but I never even thought about depression as a possibility)

I have been actively seeking help from a clinical psychologist, and will see my psychiatrist in a couple of days. I am not optimistic about my situation since I have suicidal thoughts and just failed an attempt to end my life.  I am willing to work through the 2010-2011 school year, but not sure whether I could handle it or not.

What should I do with my job? If I QUIT now, my colleagues probably wont understand my situation and believe I "dropped the ball" (the semester starts in late August so it will be a REALLY short notice). However, if I take the chance to work this fall, I am afraid I may cause more problems to the program (and someones may have to take the teaching burden) if I collapsed in Fall. 

Any suggestion?

[enjoyworking]

The last thing I am willing to let my students see is my mood swing.

I go through prolonged sadness everyday, particularly bad in the evening, and I cant explain to my spouse what went wrong. I start believing that I am not longer (probably never) competent and full of energy.  I feel guilty for not being able to meet people's expectations, and I am easily irritated by any incident which I didn't plan in advance. I am confused, angry, and helpless.

[hegemony]

Doing anything irrevocable here is like that phrase, "a permanent solution to a temporary problem."  That includes suicide -- definitely do not do that, and do not believe that voice in your head that says things will never get better.  That voice is distorted and is not reliable.  But also I would advise against quitting your job just like that.  You need some stability and a longterm plan before making a decision like that.

What I would look into is medical leave.  Look into what your university provides, how that matches up with FMLA, and what kind of disability insurance you have.  I've taken medical leave twice, once to take care of a close family member with a serious illness, once for my own serious illness.  The first I did though FLMA, the second just through sick leave.  At my university, at least, you can borrow sick leave "ahead."  This means you get your regular salary through your leave.  If I'd had more leave (I took one semester), the disability insurance would have kicked in.  But of course it might be worth it to take leave even without pay, rather than suffer through a semester with serious emotional issues when you need to take care of yourself.

I hope you've told your support system how bad things have gotten with your emotional health.  To put it baldly, you need even more support.  The fact that things have gotten so bad means that the level of support is not up to what it needs to be.  Please, do get it.  Hang in there.

[post_functional]

One of the first things the psychiatric community tells you is, if you know you're depressed, never, ever make life-altering decisions in this state.  The old maxim is "You are not allowed to get divorced when you're depressed."  That also goes for quitting your job and taking your life.

You have to get well first before you can make such career decisions based on clear thinking rather than distorted thinking.

I feel for you and I wish you the best.

[msparticularity]

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't do anything--aside from telling your psychologist and psychiatrist all of this immediately. I would also suggest that if anyone mentions in-patient treatment that you don't question or argue with it; just do it. During a serious bout of mental/emotional illness, it is absolutely vital to focus upon that, rather than continuing to struggle to function in the everyday world. You are seriously disabled right now, and as the others are saying, you are very clearly in no position to be making any life decisions.

Many good wishes to you! There are lots of people here who can empathize with what is happening to you right now--we are giving you this advice and feedback out of our own experiences, in many cases.

[barrylover]

If you can work in depression, keep quiet and have a break. 

[zarathustra]

Are you on any medications at the moment?  Is it possible your doctor will be able to prescribe something that can get you through the semester? 

[post_functional]

OP, any updates?

[enjoyworking]

Thank you all for the brilliant suggestions and warm words. OP's FMLA has been approved so OP can take a break and go back to work as soon as her condition gets better. I appreciate your support from the bottom of my heart! (I never thought of FMLA before I posted the original post)