next »

[toothpaste]

For reasons too complicated to detail here (mostly having to do with being an interfaith family but also because of compunctions about not lying to our children), Mr. Floss and I decided that we would not promote the standard American myths about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny to the little flossies. We've done pretty well with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but somehow the Tooth Fairy flew under the radar into our household.

We don't promote her existence by talking about TF, and I've hesitated to actively deny her reality because I don't want Little Flossie #1 popping the bubbles of all her little friends at school. Those friends, however, told her all about the Tooth Fairy, and LF#1 came home from school all excited that the Tooth Fairy was going to leave her money when her loose tooth fell out...which soon thereafter it did.

Hating to be a hypocrite, I had even less heart to disappoint my sweet child, so we arranged for the requisite payment in exchange for the tooth.

This brings me to the current question. LF#1's 8th tooth fell out last week, just a few days after the 7th. The obliging Tooth Fairy left a dollar under the pillow--but it's still there a week later.

What do I do? Confiscate the dollar and consider the game over? Leave it there until LF#1 remembers? Reminder her to look for it?

Thanks, O Wise Fora.

Toothpaste

[msmicrobe]

My first question: How is pretending the same as lying?

My mother told me that Santa is the spirit of Christmas and anyone can be Santa. If I gave a gift to someone, I was being Santa.  Then she shut up. I don't see that as lying. If I asked about flying reindeer, she'd ask what I thought about it. If pressed with another question, she'd say "We all know reindeer can't really fly. That's a special story we like to pretend about."

Never once did she lie to me. But she allowed me to believe for as long as I wanted to. And when I pressed for the "truth straight from the horse's mouth," she answered honestly. I'll never forget that conversation! And then she added that my new job was to help make the magic happen for other kids. I was now part of the magic making. And she promised me that in time, I would find it even more fun and more rewarding than the magic receiving.

First, you and spouse need to decide if you will allow the pretending. It sounds to me like you are deeply conflicted over this. Personally, I think it is good practice for the development of faith. I've never seen a reindeer fly, but I like to pretend that they do. I've never seen God, but I believe God is real. In a child's eyes, how are these that different? Both involve belief in the unseen.

Until you decide what to do, leave the dollar unmentioned. If you want to allow the Tooth Fairy to visit, you can make a comment on how much fun it is to share these traditions.

But if you're on the 8th tooth already, I'm betting LF#1 already knows the full reality and was asking for permission to pretend. And if LF#1 is not in on the game, LF#1 is probably wondering why no money was ever left before. You can get some stories about the Tooth Fairy from the library and share them. Take your cues from LF#1 about whether or not she wants to pretend, wants to talk about why we have these traditions and games, or whatever.

If you want take the path of full disclosure, you might talk about how traumatic it can be for some kids to have their teeth start to fall out. How might parents help kids get ready for that event and even look forward to it? See what she comes up with. I'm betting she'll connect the dots with little help.

Good luck!

[polly_mer]

Remind Little Flossie #1 to look for the dollar (Say, didn't you lose a tooth last week?  What did you get for it?)

Like MsMicrobe (and remember I'm an atheist so that the faith thing for me is a non-issue) I err on the side of shared pretend to be generous to others for holidays and special occasions.  When I was beyond Easter Bunny belief as a child, but still interested in lots of candy being around the house, the Easter Bunnies took up hiding baskets for everyone who lived in the house with predictable results for two or three years.

The shared fantasy memories have a place in my mind while the earlier years of belief have nearly completely faded.

[concordancia]

As the future self of a five year old who confronted her mother about Santa Claus, received Microbe's response and proceeded to ask "Will there still be presents if I say no?" I still feel disappointed that my nieces and nephews miss out on these traditions*. It may also have to do with the story we learn for Brownies - the fairy Brownie that cleans the house in the middle of the night is about doing good deeds without expecting credit, a sense of random acts of kindness.

*Pretending, in general, seems awfully low key in that house. SIL whines that she just isn't creative when I start getting silly and/or creative, but she seems to be down right squashing a lot of that in her own children.

[ms_turtle]

I would remind her to look for it or have her help change the sheets to discover the booty. I think that the Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy stories do allow children to experience a rite of passage to being "grown-up". How many of us remember the circumstances for finding out that Santa and company are really just mom or dad?

That said, my son will have some doozies to tell when he's asked about the tooth fairy. Quite simply, I stink at that job. Early one morning, 5am-ish, he poked hubby awake and asked, "Why did the tooth fairy only leave me a penny?" Hubby's first thought was, "man, you got robbed." My first thought was, "Oh, SH!T." It was still early enough that we could tell him to go back to sleep and that the tooth fairy was running late. We managed to slip a quarter (yes, we're cheap) under his pillow later.

The real problem, however, was that I couldn't find the tooth... anywhere. I have no idea where the penny came from either.


It wasn't until two weeks later that I found the tooth in the drawer of his toy tool bench. I have forgotten completely at least two other times necessitating "phone calls" to the tooth fairy and compounded interest. I did not forget two nights ago, but I was aided by my boy rummaging around every two hours or so to check for the quarter. He was quite worried not because of the tooth fairy's bad employment record but because he had swallowed the tooth. The first thing he announced when I woke him up was that 'the tooth fairy did come last night.'

[mountainguy]

Ms_Turtle, I remember my parents would have me leave the tooth in a felt "tooth pocket" in a felt pocket at the very edge of the bed. It made it much easier for them to find it, I guess.

When I was around 9 years old, and beginning to catch on to the possibility that the tooth fairy just being mom and dad, I recall doing an experiment in which I didn't tell my parents I had lost a tooth and left it under my pillow anyway. When the tooth fairy didn't come, then I knew. I don't remember if I confronted my parents about it, but after that, my parents would just hand me money directly whenever I lost a tooth.

[georgiaprof]

That said, my son will have some doozies to tell when he's asked about the tooth fairy. Quite simply, I stink at that job. Early one morning, 5am-ish, he poked hubby awake and asked, "Why did the tooth fairy only leave me a penny?" Hubby's first thought was, "man, you got robbed." My first thought was, "Oh, SH!T." It was still early enough that we could tell him to go back to sleep and that the tooth fairy was running late. We managed to slip a quarter (yes, we're cheap) under his pillow later.

The real problem, however, was that I couldn't find the tooth... anywhere. I have no idea where the penny came from either.


It wasn't until two weeks later that I found the tooth in the drawer of his toy tool bench. I have forgotten completely at least two other times necessitating "phone calls" to the tooth fairy and compounded interest. I did not forget two nights ago, but I was aided by my boy rummaging around every two hours or so to check for the quarter. He was quite worried not because of the tooth fairy's bad employment record but because he had swallowed the tooth. The first thing he announced when I woke him up was that 'the tooth fairy did come last night.'

Oh wow - are you me?  I did this to GPjr all the time!    And he even swallowed his first lost tooth!  Of course, he's grown now and doesn't seem any the worse for the experience (or lack thereof).  I imagine it will be a source of great humor when GPjr has kids and they are doing the toothfairy thing.  (related - I knew someone who really did up the toothfairy thing -- sprinkled glitter between the pillow and the windowsill and stuff like that.  Her kids loved it.  Her friends kids wanted to know why the toothfairy didn't leave magic dust at their houses.  I was so glad that jr had finished losing his teeth by that time!)

[polly_mer]

Ms_Turtle, I remember my parents would have me leave the tooth in a felt "tooth pocket" in a felt pocket at the very edge of the bed. It made it much easier for them to find it, I guess.

Oooh, ooh, the Tooth Fairy Pillow!  My sister and I each received a nifty little pillow (about the size of a paperback novel) with a pocket on it that had "A Tooth For the Tooth Fairy" written on it.  We were supposed to put the tooth in the pocket, leave the pillow downstairs on the bookcase, and then discover a nice shiny quarter (with a date from the year of our births) in the pocket in the morning.  It was great!

[toothpaste]

First, you and spouse need to decide if you will allow the pretending. It sounds to me like you are deeply conflicted over this. Personally, I think it is good practice for the development of faith. I've never seen a reindeer fly, but I like to pretend that they do. I've never seen God, but I believe God is real. In a child's eyes, how are these that different? Both involve belief in the unseen.

She certainly pretends on MANY, MANY, MANY other occasions. I think, though that this paragraph gets at some of the internal conflict we feel. I am dyed in the wool atheist and Mr. Floss is a believing, practicing Roman Catholic. Among our reasons for not introducing the external American myths is that we wanted the kids to understand that when we talked to them about our deeply-held beliefs about deity, we were being straight with them about what we believed.

Just to be clear, also, this isn't the first dollar, it's just the first one that she forgot.

[banana]

Another possible way to handle it...  When my (almost 5yo) daughter asks questions like, "Is the tooth fairy real?" or on Passover, "Is Elijah real?", I tell her that some people believe they're real, and some people don't, and she can decide for herself what she believes.  This way, I'm not lying, but I am giving her the space to suspend her disbelief if she wants to.

[mended_drum]

Ah, this takes me back to when I was a cruel older sister!  I told my younger sibling that if he tooth didn't fall out fast enough, the toothfairy would bring a pair of pliers and put it out herself.  Many nightmares later, my parents had to tell her that the toothfairy was "just pretend."

What's with the dollar, though?  I got a dime, and this was in the seventies.

[kedves]

If you take the dollar back, you are either taking something given to your daughter by the Tooth Fairy, or taking something given to her by you.  Ambivalence about making a gift or payment does not give us the right (as opposed to the ability) to take it back if the recipient's reaction is not to our expectation or liking. 

I think MsTurtle's idea of asking her to help change the sheets is a good one.  I agree with others who have described these figures as encouraging fantasy and things like the value of kindness.  I really like MsMicrobe's (and her mother's) and Polly's explanations.  In my childhood, the Tooth Fairy represented a ritual form of play and, looking back on it, I think about the love that a parent can show by encouraging playfulness and creativity.  For me, the note was more special than the quarter.  It was obvious who wrote them; they were all in my dad's handwriting and said things like, "Thank you for the spectacularly good tooth!  It will make a wonderful addition to my collection."  I imagined the Tooth Fairy as an eccentric scientist-collector.  I might still have one one of those notes somewhere. 

[much_metta]

I would recommend Dale McGowan's book:

Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion

It's a collection of essays about your topic and many others and it includes multiple different possible courses of action, including several of those suggested above.  It also specifically addresses issues connected to "interfaith" households where one partner is of the "no faith at all" persuasion and the other is not.  I have found it very helpful in thinking about many of these issues, particularly from the perspective you seem to value--how do you teach a child to be intellectually curious and intellectually honest yet live in a pluralistic society? 

The sections that may be particularly relevant for you:
Dan Barker's "My Father's House"
Tom Flynn & Dale McGowan's Point/Counterpoint "The Question of the Claus--Should the Santa Story Stay or Go in Secular Families?" pp. 85-90

Of course, you may also get a lot of mileage in general out of:
Norm Allen’s “Thinking My Way to Adulthood”
Pete Wernick’s “Parenting in a Secular/Religious Marriage”
Stu Tanquist’s “Choosing Your Battles”

It’s one of my most recommended books for parents (old and new).

[collegekidsmom]

I would just ask her if she left the tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy. That's a fair question without much agenda.

Remember, the window must be open a crack or the fairy can't fly in.

CKM, the one who lied -just like her parents did before her-complete with ashes on the carpet from Santa's dirty boots and half-eaten cookies. As for the Easter Bunny, there was a tree way out in the woods where I lived that was called "the Easter Bunny Tree." All the kids thought that the actual Bunny lived in there. Older kids used to leave notes for little kids, and they would find the personalized notes out there. Very well kept secret in my "neck of the woods." When he was older, my brother sat in the little house at the shopping center dressed in the costume and talked to the kids.

[polly_mer]

I imagined the Tooth Fairy as an eccentric scientist-collector. 

Terry Pratchett wrote a great book on what happens to all those teeth that the Tooth Fairy collects called Hogfather.  It's quite a hoot to play with the various take-offs on all of the standard children's beliefs.