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[britmom]

I haven't posted on the fora in a long time, but could really do with an opportunity to write down everything that's happened recently, as well as ask for a bit of advice/support. I had my second daughter 5 months ago and everything seemed to be going fine. That was until I found myself crying in the Doctor's surgery at the 6 week check up. She asked my Health Visitor (HV)* to stop by - a wonderful woman, who figured something wasn't quite right and referred me on to the Community Mental Health Team. I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with post-natal depression, and prescribed antidepressants. A week later I phoned my Health Visitor to say I was about to kill myself. She was at my front door in 5 minutes. That evening I was admitted to a Mother and Baby Unit. I think it probably saved my life. It was a wonderful place - I had my own private room and bathroom, nursery nurses to take care of my daughter any time of day or night and the very best medical expertise on post-natal depression. I was in hospital for 6 weeks, and have been home for 7 weeks. I'm being seen weekly at home by a Community Psychiatric Nurse, and my HV stops by to see me most weeks. I've also been referred for counseling, and a nursery nurse has visited a few times to help me play/bond with the girls. Now that a bit of time has passed, and I'm feeling a bit better, I'm struggling to get my head around everything that's happened recently--the way I behaved, being an in-patient in a psych ward.... I'm missing work like crazy, and have popped in a few times, but don't really feel that I can share what's happened with colleagues. (I'm the only person with young children, and the only woman with children.) I'm desperate to re-connect with the 'old' (academic) 'me' as I feel like the children have come close to extinguishing that side of my identity. I'm trying to get on and do some research, but I'm struggling to focus.  It’s as if the children have taken ownership of my mind, as well as my body. I keep considering going back to work early (I'm on maternity leave until October, and then due to go back part-time until December). Does that sound ridiculously selfish? Can anyone reassure me that I will rediscover the academic in me?


*I'm based in the UK. A health visitor is a qualified and registered nurse or midwife who has undertaken further (post registration) training in order to be able to work as a member of the primary healthcare team. Their role is to promote mental, physical and social well-being in the community by giving advice and support to families in all age groups. They usually work with mothers once postpartum care is handed over from the midwives, advise on feeding, care and support to both infants and parents, conduct routine child development checks and provide support to mothers suffering from PND.

[msparticularity]

Britmom, I'm so sorry to hear that you've had such a struggle, but I must say I'm also incredibly impressed by the fabulous care you have received! Your story is not the first I've heard of someone who has just had a second child and who feels that they've completely lost their old life. I only have one daughter, so can't speak to this firsthand, but I have heard over and over from the experienced mothers that I know that, while one can work around a first child to maintain some semblance of the old life, the second one really does require fundamental restructuring.

That said, I know many, many people who have absolutely managed to maintain their careers beyond a second child--and even a third! It does seem to require rethinking how to manage life from the ground up, rather than trying to slip back into the old schedules and patterns--I wonder whether your counselor and HV might be able to support you as you begin to try to do this? I also wonder whether, rather than going back to work prematurely, you might try to become more intellectually active again through reading current books and journals and working on some writing yourself; these are all things that can be done very flexibly as you work into your new life.

Many good wishes to you! 

[prytania3]

Many people are successful academics with 2+ kids.

[lolar2]

I think you should talk to your treatment providers about going back to work early if you really think it would help. It certainly is possible.

[hegemony]

I'm so sorry you've been going through this, and so glad to hear that you got rapid and good supportive care.  And that you reached out for help when things started getting bad.

For me, there were two factors operating in new motherhood.  I know some women feel that their workday life is nothing compared to the joy that is motherhood, but when I saw clearly how overwhelming and intense parenthood is, I was very anxious that there would be no room for anything else in my life.  Was my academic and intellectual life gone forever?  I felt like an exile.  Working on some writing helped reassure me that the life of the mind was not gone forever.  We're the occupation that panics if we take a Sunday off.  So the idea of six months off made me feel as if I were stranded in the Arctic without a map.  (In retrospect, I wish I'd prepared for having several parts of my life by taking more Sundays off -- and other days too -- and then moving back into productivity.)

The second factor that operated was my having to adjust my perfectionism.  Not that I was ever perfect; it's just that my anxiety about being imperfect -- my zeal to be less imperfect -- governed my days and decisions.  In new parenthood, that's a ticket to disaster.  So to make a long story short, my thought is that you'd want to be careful not to lock yourself into any work commitments that will actually add extra stress because you'll want to be doing it all well, parenthood and work.  And "well," not to mention "perfect," is something that I think has to go out the window at certain junctures of parenthood.

My thought is that this is one of the few times in life that you should volunteer for committee work.  It will get you out among people, to counter the isolating force of being the parent of small children.  Other people are powerful forces in our self-regulation of emotions.  We like to think we can all just be fine by force of will, but sociability is the real key.  Second, you will be freed of the conviction that committee work is important, which seems to seize some committee members and make them fret about committee decisions.  So you will see it as it is: necessary but trivial.  It won't take up much time, compared to teaching.  And if you realize you've overdone it and need to bow out of the commitment, nothing enormous is at stake.  It would be a way of keeping your hand in, getting out of the house, and feeling low pressure while contributing to the department.  And is there any department who doesn't love someone who takes some committee work off their hands?

Best of luck to you, and take care of yourself.

[macaroon]

Wow!  

Glad you got the help you needed!

Going back to work may help.  It did for me.  I had a bit of postpartum depression with my second child, although it wasn't severe.  It didn't help that she was born in late fall, and it was dark all the time.  I told myself I'd get help if things didn't improve after I returned to work (at 8 weeks).  But I felt drastically better within days of starting back up.  It was so helpful to see other people and get back to wrapping my head around something other than my own feelings.

[bioteacher]

Britmom,

I'm so glad you got urgent help when needed and are continuing to get help now. The academic part of you is still there. That part of you WILL resurface. I say this as mother of two and a person who has had mild-depression on and off for over 20 years. I take SSRIs daily. While I didn't have post patrum depression per se, I had plenty of days it was tough to function.

After my first was born, we moved to a new big city far away from grad school and family. Baby was 3 months old. I had to find childcare, a job, learn the mass transit system (hubby had the only car to get to his job), doctors, pharmacy, friends... you name it.

I ended up being home for 6 months (from delivery date) by the time all was in place and I had a job. In that period, there were plenty of days when I had a simple goal: Get a shower by 4 PM when Oprah came on. I'd have adult conversation of a sort via Oprah. I was within walking distance of the public library and participated in her book clubs by reading the books after the shows about the books.

It was hard. No two ways around it. But I ended up in a job I loved. Now I'm in academia doing something I enjoy. I have two kids, so the work-life balance is more of a teeter-totter which goes from one extreme to the other and I try to pretend I'm keeping each half airborne about half the time.

I'm a better mother because I work, which most people here will understand. I need my job to keep my brain busy. A lot of parenting can be mind-numbingly boring and tedious. Having a day job to challenge me makes me better enjoy the boring parts of parenting.

So yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, your struggle to focus tells me that your brain and body are not ready yet for a full-time return to academia. That's okay. Let AcademicBritMom go on a bit of a sabbatical. Focus on your health, physical and mental. Don't go back to work sooner than you must. Use this time to recharge. Your body and mind, not to mention your personal life, have gone through a massive change. It takes some time to adjust, but you will. If you are in the mood to read something academic, do so. But if you want to read for fun (an actual fiction novel having no relationship at all to your work) that's okay, too. Watch some bad TV. Try to find some academic women (in a different department or university?) that you can talk to about this. You cannot be the only academic woman in your town to ever go through this.

Keep posting here. You will get through this. And the academic side of you will emerge. She's just tired right now.

Bioteacher

[britmom]

Thank you for your replies, and apologies for not getting back to this thread until now. (Let's just say it's been a rough few days, with the crisis team visiting my house at 2am).

Prytania I'm more than aware that people manage to be successful academics with 2+ kids. That's why I'm struggling - in my darker moments - to figure out why I couldn't manage the having-2-kids part without landing up in hospital (and before I've added in doing any work).

Msparticularity I absolutely agree with the way in which having a second child can really throw everything into chaos. It was good to read that, and be reminded that I'm not the only person to struggle with a second baby. (I thought I'd be fine as I knew what I was doing this time!) The consultant in the Mother and Baby Unit told me that a high proportion of women that are admitted are on their second child, and this was particularly true for career women. She pretty much said what you've written. And, yes, the care has been amazing. I truly appreciate the National Health System more than ever. My HV, in particular, has been fantastic - she's collected prescriptions for me, bought some groceries when things were bad (and added a present of some chocolate muffins), and given me a hug when I felt bad. I've really appreciated this kind of motherly support, given that my job has taken us a long way from my family.

Hegemony You're spot on about the perfectionist side, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't perform at a particularly high level if I were to go back to work. I think it would probably be a disaster, if I'm honest. Committee work isn't an option (a product of the structure of UK Universities.)

After posting here, I floated the idea of going back to work early with my Head of Department, and the response made me realise they were planning on slamming me with a ton of teaching. That brought me to my senses! I've decided to take the full year off + accrued annual leave. That gives me another 7 months. In the meantime, I will put both children into part time daycare and hit the research with everything I have! I can work in my office if I want a bit of human contact. It's going to cost us £££££ in lost wages as all maternity pay finishes the end of next month, but I have my husband's full support.

Bioteacher Your post was so very helpful. I have two academic-mother friends (we're a very rare breed.) They've been incredibly supportive.  I think the PND takes over some times, and I convince myself that I'm the sh!ttiest mother alive. I'm trying to give the academic side of me a bit of a rest. I think that it's the only thing I have to hang on to that's still 'normal', and that I'm good at. I think that's why I'm so desparate to get back. As I've mentioned above, I've realised that the reality may well involve putting me under more pressure, and that's the last thing I need. Staying off will take a few thousand pounds out of our savings, but I think it's probably worth it.

My aim for now is to establish some kind of 'normality' for me, and not end up needing any more visits from the Crisis Team.

[hegemony]

Hang in there, Britmom.  I'm sorry you're undersupplied with academic-mother colleagues; in my department, about 2/3 of the women are mothers of children under 15.  And some of the others have similar challenges -- one is a caregiver for her seriously ill mother, for example.  We're a big and not very cohesive department, but just seeing someone in the hall and hearing them say, "They've scheduled the mandatory department meeting during child pick-up time again!" is cheering in a siege-mentality sort of way. 

I think this is time to pull out all the stops and make sure you have every source of goodness in your life that you can pack in.  For instance, if you like manicures (or movies, or runs in the park, or afternoons at coffee shops by yourself), move heaven and earth to make sure you get one in now and again.  And there is nothing like some relief childcare, preferably on a predictable schedule.  Don't let that academic/new mother perfectionism deprive you of this.  Remember that in traditional societies, even the babies are handed off to other mothers frequently.  (Since many women have infants at the same time, they trade off suckling each other's babies -- this may seem startling to us, but think of the flexibility it allows the mothers -- this is the way nature designed it, so to speak.)  "It takes a village to raise a child" precisely because raising a child is overwhelming for one woman alone.  So get the village in place.  It helps so much to feel as if you're your own person, not merely a caretaker of small people.  Also, studies show that people with toddlers work more at their professions -- because their jobs at least are full of things they can control and feel good at.  So give yourself some things you can control and feel good at.  Slowly but surely.  Hang in there.  We're with ya.

[collegekidsmom]

Hi Britmom, So sorry to hear you've been through this awful thing. I have seen it close up as I have a family member who went through it with each of three children. What I got to also see is that she "recovered", but she got a lot of help with the kids. That meant full time hired help, and everybody needs to support you in getting whatever you need to grapple with this. It is your brain, not the kids or the family or the work. If it is work that returns you to yourself, then you have to go toward that. To do daily research away from the kids, to pay whatever you have to pay to get that time-will help. You need the doctors and all of the drugs that can help. If you just look at it factually, and somewhat practically, and not so emotionally, you can work toward getting back to a schedule that will gradually return you to some sense of normalcy. There can be other tough times; for the person that I knew, it was weaning. She really struggled at that time, and had to be hospitalized more than once. Close monitoring by medical personnel is really necessary. She ended up hiring full time care for the children sometimes around the clock and around the year. She was there to provide whatever she could, and that was great.
Since you have a diagnosed condition, you need what you need. People will have all kinds of advice, and some of it will sound like telling a person with depression to "perk up." It is not a normal condition; not like mild baby blues or some of the more common postpartum issues. Don't feel any guilt about doing anything at all that you need to do to cope with this, even if it means going away or spending time in a hospital. All of that is OK; I have seen the kids cope well too, and others can care for them if your situation warrants that.
If it is work that helps, do the work and do the drugs and the doctor visits. I recently saw my family member-she is doing great but it was a hard thing to travel through. Her kids are older now and doing great.

Best wishes, and I am also so glad you have such competent help around.  It doesn't mean anything about you as a mother; remember that.

[britmom]

Thank you for those replies, hegemony and collegekidsmom; it really helped to read them. Sadly, I'm only the 4th woman to be appointed in my department (which has been in existence for over 100 years). I'm the first to take maternity leave. I'm really trying to not feel guilty about putting my youngest in daycare (and reminding myself it's with a wonderful woman who does a great job of caring for my oldest daughter). She starts tomorrow & will be there about 20 hours a week. Fingers crossed I'll be able to use the time productively as my research really needs a boost. Oddly, in spite of everything, I've found myself looking at the baby and thinking how nice it would be to have just one more....

[sisu1]

Britmom - I am really impressed with the care you received for your pnd on the NHS.  I, too, suffered from it after the birth of my first child. I had tremendous anxiety and could not sleep - at all.  I wasn't suicidal, but convinced that my husband and child would be better off without me.  I almost left them on numerous occassions.  This was my depression.
Prior to motherhood, I had 10 yrs in industry and left to do a research degree and pursue an academic career.  It was a surprise that I became pregnant a few months after embarking on this path (after being diagnosed with infertility).  Pnd was the absolute worst experience of my life.  However, I emerged and produced (thus far) the best work of my career.  I put aside 3-4 hours three times a week while my dd was in nursery to brainstorm ideas and conduct some research. I was probably only able to focus 30 minutes of that time, but it helped to just try and make slow progress. I started slowly and after 14 months of maternity (my child also had a medical condition so I needed extra time), I went back into it.  Just start slowly to regain some of your old self back.  I didn't talk about my experience with anyone in the department.  However, I used the experience to galvanize some of my work in the social sciences.  It took me 18 months to get back on track in the end, but the important thing is that I got there.  I can't believe I am considering another one now?!? Madness?

You will get through this, Britmom.  You sound like you're doing really well and the fact that you want to reclaim that identity is a good thing.  I think, however, it helps to conceive of your identity in a different way  to constitute a new, improved identity -does that make sense? Mums/Moms, all of us, are so good at feeling guilty, it's important to give yourself a break every single day.

[tolerantly]

What impressive and on-the-spot care! I'm so glad you got it. NHS is doing something right, for sure.

It sounds to me like you're doing very much the right thing, too. Good idea to have the baby in care part of the time; you've been ill and it'll do no good to make things more difficult for yourself than they must be. Use some of the time for recuperation and whatever pleasures you can bear, not just work. There's an old academic you, yes, but there's also an old you that's just -- you. Not mum, not researcher, just you.

Full disclosure: After the birth of my brother, my mother became profoundly depressed. At the time, no one spoke of depression or postnatal anything; there was no treatment; all we knew was that she didn't want to get out of bed and was crabby or blank and unresponsive when she did. I don't know how long it actually went on, but as I was only four at the time, it seemed it went on for years. You've done absolutely the right thing in getting help and in structuring your life, this first year, in a way that will help you recuperate. It will help you and your family both.

[georgia_eliot]

De-lurking after over a year, because I feel compelled to post my support for you, Britmom.  I, too, had an excruciating experience with perinatal depression, and I am so sorry you are going through this.  I hope my perspective may be helpful to you in some way.

First, you mentioned struggling with feelings of guilt over childcare for the baby.  On the contrary, it is exactly what I would have urged, had you not already mentioned it.  In retrospect, I wish I had realized the value of reliable, quality part-time care when a mother is fighting depression.  It would have speeded my recovery dramatically, I think, as well as insulated my daughter a bit from my struggle.  Instead, she was always immersed in it with me (I was at home full time with her) and this was not to her benefit, I now see all too clearly.

It's great how much you have already accomplished on the path to recovery.  You are know what is happening and you are being treated.  (In the U.S., stats indicate that depression is highly treatable, around [b]80% [/b]of moms with depression are not receiving any treatment.  Yikes.) 

Furthermore, you seem to have excellent medical/psychological care, as well as a supportive partner.  These elements are critical.  For me, medication (SSRI) was a third key component (and again, a step I wish I'd taken sooner).  I think that with that foundation in place, plus the hours of childcare, you are going to begin to feel a profound improvement.  Hang in there. 

There's been some great advice offered here already from others on this thread.  One thing that I don't think has been mentioned yet is the value of peer support.  Depression can be so isolating.  Other academic moms are a great resource, of course, but unless they have also experienced clinical depression while parenting two small children, it's just not the same.  When I was depressed, it was actually painful to be in the company of other new mothers, who seemed to be living a motherhood reality utterly different from mine.  The few times I managed to attend a "new moms' support group," I left feeling more isolated than ever.  But there are many mothers who share your experience.  To find PPD support groups, local or online, you can check with your HV or find them listed at Postpartum Support International (www.postpartum.net), which is a good site for lots of PPD resources. (And for the therapeutic value of humor, I must mention the blog www.ravingsofamadhousewife.com.) 

Of course, sometimes paperback books are the best therapy of all.  The best-known book on PPD is Brooke Shield's memoir Down Came the Rain, but I highly recommend The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression by Tracy Thompson.  http://www.amazon.com/Ghost-House-Motherhood-Struggling-Depression/dp/0060843799/sr=1-1/qid=1161802139/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-6348805-5808027?ie=UTF8&s=books 

First, Thompson is a good writer.  For many years she was a reporter for the Washington Post and approaches the subject of maternal depression as a skilled journalist.  However, she is also a survivor of PPD herself.  She blends the retelling of her own story, and that of other mothers, with analysis and citation of medical and social science research on the issue.  It helped me a great deal to hear her put into words what I struggled to understand in my own life, and to hear the stories and advice of other people who had been there.

I have certainly been there.  It's been about two years now, and I can truly say that my life now is happier than I could ever have imagined.  I feel like myself again.  Work and family life are not without challenges, but both are sources of great satisfaction and contentment.  I wish you the same, and I feel confident you will find it. 

Georgia


 

[tolerantly]

Oh my. Thanks for the reminder, Georgia. Tracy is also good people; she knows a lot about soldiering on professionally and reaching out to others -- not just for help, but for social and professional contact -- while dealing with major depression. I'd recommend her book.

This also reminds me of a related thread I need to start wrt children and parental depression.