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[barcrossliar]

I agree the message needs to be adjusted to something more universally compassionate. "You are cherished" is a kinder thing to say than "get well soon" if someone is terminal. It's also far more honest. We can be kind and honest at the same time, so I think yes, get stitching... but on a quilt of love, support, hugs, and concern... not a fairy tale.

My two cents...

Exactly this.  A dying person should not have to humor someone else's denial, but will probably appreciate knowing that they are loved.

[dellaroux]

I thought most people by now had at least read or heard of Kubler-Ross' work or the general wisdom that has come from it, and had "gotten the message" about this; so sorry to know that your well-meaning friend hasn't. (not meant judgementally, H-Grrl, I'm glad you've found it and read it as well.)

She (K-R) came to speak to our church about the time Rabbi Kushner did, in a series on the emotional dimensions of serious illness, when both their books were first out, about 20 or more years ago now. Both were impressive.

People who say they are trying to protect others by withholding or denying some part of the present truth of a situation are just protecting themselves.

Painful as it can be to be pointing that out to them, it doesn't help to be party to that level of denial.

Do the quilt, of course, but don't sugar-coat the message.

[history_grrrl]

I thought most people by now had at least read or heard of Kubler-Ross' work or the general wisdom that has come from it, and had "gotten the message" about this; so sorry to know that your well-meaning friend hasn't. (not meant judgementally, H-Grrl, I'm glad you've found it and read it as well.)

Not taken that way at all, dellaroux. I skimmed the book many years ago but must have lent out my copy and never saw it again. Recently I ordered it for someone I know who is terminally ill (who had heard of the five stages but didn't know anything more about her or her work), so I decided to get myself a copy at the same time and "really" read it. Most enlightening.

[dellaroux]

Yes. And as she points out several times, the stages are not normative, in the sense that some don't pass through them all or experience things in the same way as others.

I also heard, early on, of CPE (Clinical/pastoral education, for ministers-in-training) groups that insisted that unless the chaplains-to-be were not leading hospice clients through each stage in order they were not functioning properly as chaplains...certainly not the intended use, either, of course.

The hospital's chief chaplain at that point had a word with the CPE leader and the nonsense stopped, but I felt badly for any patient made to think they weren't "doing the steps right," either.

Separating the prescriptive from the descriptive was the problem there, I guess.