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[melba_frilkins]

If someone is in stage 4 terminal cancer, electing to forgo further medical options (i.e., chemotherapy), is it appropriate to wish them "Get well soon", "Wishes for a speedy recovery", etc? My thought is no, those off the cuff remarks are inappropriate. There are far more appropriate ways to express care and concern that are more sensitive to the reality of the situation.

So...I've been invited to help with a "get well" theme quilt/blanket for this someone who will most likely not ever get well.  I'd love to do the quilting, I'd love to contribute to something that shows care, concern, and love for the individual. But I just think the specific message is not one I can endorse.

Part of the problem, I think, is that the person who is ill got the diagnosis suddenly, out of the blue. I don't know if everyone else has had it hit home that terminal is terminal, regardless of whether you've had time to get over the shock of it and adjust.

Is there a point where you quit sending explicit "get well", "hurry up and recover, we miss you" wishes? Isn't that a kind of inadvertently nasty thing to do to someone who is struggling to resolve the issues one faces at the end of life? Or are good wishes and hope always kind, so I may as well join the bad wagon and get stitching?

[bud04]

M_FI think you should get busy stitching. If ever there was a time when a person needs to feel human kindness, sympathy, and concern, it would be at the end of their lives when they are terminally ill. It is not the hope of getting well that you are offering them at that point but the beauty of human life. What does it really mean to be a human being? It is only our ability to experience life and the approach of death that makes us human. To be able to feel, to empathize, and to be sensitive to someone close to death is a true gift. The good wishes, care, concern, and love you can offer this person will be invaluable and may help them go peacefully into their death.

I would consider something you made to be an extraordinary gift of kindness and very loving. It would mean everything to me as I covered myself in my last days with a quilt you made. It would be sort of like covering them with love, wouldn't it?

(I hope I helped here. I'm not a philosopher and I tried to speak from my heart.)

[sikora]

I'm with Bud here. 

[embitteredhistorian]

M_FI think you should get busy stitching. If ever there was a time when a person needs to feel human kindness, sympathy, and concern, it would be at the end of their lives when they are terminally ill. It is not the hope of getting well that you are offering them at that point but the beauty of human life. What does it really mean to be a human being? It is only our ability to experience life and the approach of death that makes us human. To be able to feel, to empathize, and to be sensitive to someone close to death is a true gift. The good wishes, care, concern, and love you can offer this person will be invaluable and may help them go peacefully into their death.

I would consider something you made to be an extraordinary gift of kindness and very loving. It would mean everything to me as I covered myself in my last days with a quilt you made. It would be sort of like covering them with love, wouldn't it?

(I hope I helped here. I'm not a philosopher and I tried to speak from my heart.)

This is absolutely beautiful.

[notaprof]

If you are stitching something on the quilt, i think I would say things along the lines of "Thinking of you" or "I'm here for you" or "warm wishes," even "Hope you are feeling better today" rather than "get well soon."  Sorry about your friend.  The quilt will be a comfort, no matter what is said.

[neutralname]

It depends on the person, obviously.  Some people are prickly and unsentimental and will tell you to do something useful with your time rather than quilting.  Some might take offense at being told to get well soon if they know they are dying soon.  Others might not care one way or the other.  Some will just love it, no matter what the message.

It's hard to know how I would react in that situation, but I suspect that I might find it very funny to be told to have a speedy recovery when I knew my days were numbered.  I would be very touched by the thought though. 

Bottom line: better to do it than to refuse to be a part of it.  Try a message of love or care.

[ms_turtle]

Wellness is a state of mind as well as a physical state. Just google 'dimensions of wellness' for more info. While I agree that saying "get well soon" in this situation is a poor choice of words, the quilt would go a long way to helping her wellness.

[lolar2]

Someone involved with the project must know the person in question well enough to ask. I wouldn't try to hold off and "surprise" the recipient because the recipient might not live to get the quilt.

In my chronic illness support group, when someone is diagnosed with something potentially terminal, our practice is to put together a quilt or something similar, but we don't put an over-arching message on it. We also tell the recipient it's coming. Usually the recipient lives to receive it, but not always.

[monita]

We just lost my papaw to a fast-moving terminal cancer, and he would have hated sentiments like "get well" because, obviously, he wasn't going to get better and he knew it.  What he did seem to appreciate were cards/ well wishes/ notes like:

Rest Peacefully
Remember Fondly
Cherish Good Times

...that sort of thing.  I think they helped him deal with it, and he would say things like "when I leave, do xyz for Wife"..... and we'd all promise to do so.  I think honestly accepting and acknowledging what they're going through helps so very much.  A quilt is a beautiful idea, because it is thoughtful, and caring, and comforting.  Make a simple one, so you can get it done quickly and they can enjoy it for as long as possible.

Hugs to you all.

[dr_alcott]

M_FI think you should get busy stitching. If ever there was a time when a person needs to feel human kindness, sympathy, and concern, it would be at the end of their lives when they are terminally ill. It is not the hope of getting well that you are offering them at that point but the beauty of human life. What does it really mean to be a human being? It is only our ability to experience life and the approach of death that makes us human. To be able to feel, to empathize, and to be sensitive to someone close to death is a true gift. The good wishes, care, concern, and love you can offer this person will be invaluable and may help them go peacefully into their death.

I would consider something you made to be an extraordinary gift of kindness and very loving. It would mean everything to me as I covered myself in my last days with a quilt you made. It would be sort of like covering them with love, wouldn't it?

(I hope I helped here. I'm not a philosopher and I tried to speak from my heart.)

This is absolutely beautiful.

I agree, and with this too:

It depends on the person, obviously.  Some people are prickly and unsentimental and will tell you to do something useful with your time rather than quilting.  Some might take offense at being told to get well soon if they know they are dying soon.  Others might not care one way or the other.  Some will just love it, no matter what the message.

Bottom line: better to do it than to refuse to be a part of it.  Try a message of love or care.

A friend of my mother-in-law knits "prayer blankets." They are beautiful. One was brought to my father-in-law as he lay dying in his hospital room. He was aware of it, and though he wasn't religious or sentimental, the sentiment behind it meant a lot to him (and to us).

This to say: can you suggest that the theme change from "get well" to something more appropriate and less potentially offensive, such as "peace" or "good wishes"?

On preview: what monita said.

[larryc]

Rather than get well, the sentiments should be along the lines of "We Love You."

But as Bud said, it is more important to get this done.

[melba_frilkins]

Thanks all. You helped me to pull it together. The quilt is a good idea and we should get moving on it, but maybe I can ask the lead person to reconsider the printed message to be more fitting.

I love Dr. Alcott's mention of the prayer blanket. That is something I could complete by my self if the quilt project doesn't go forward.

[extinct]

How you approach someone who is terminal depends entirely upon where they are with the process. I spend a lot of time volunteering with hospice patients, and we take our cues from the patient as to what acknowledgment they wish with regard to their situation, and also what kind of help they really might need. I, personally, rarely use the words "get well soon" with anyone, inside or outside of the hospice situation because it implies (to me), that there is something that I need from them, or that it is not okay to be ill. People who are ill, seriously ill especially, can benefit from hearing that you are thinking of them, that you love them and care about them. Asking: What can I do to help? And having suggestions for that help. Can I bring you dinner, do you need a ride somewhere, how are you doing with groceries etc., is there anything else that you might like me to do? Or just spending time with someone.

[history_grrrl]

Having recently read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's On Death and Dying, I strongly agree with those who are urging alteration of the message. One of the most important insights that I took away from the book is that the "yes, you can/will recover" message is detrimental to those who are in the late stages of terminal illness because it actually hinders their ability to prepare for their own death and all of the loss (for them) that it will entail. I was struck, in my reading, by the ways in which the "get well" message is really for the benefit of the person delivering the message (who doesn't want to accept the reality of impending death in someone s/he cares about), not the person who is dying.

It seems to me that someone in stage 4 cancer who has decided not to have further treatment has made a decision to prepare for death. I think the quilt idea is beautiful (but yes, it must be done quickly), but for the sake of the OP's friend, the message absolutely should be more along the lines of warm wishes, love, etc., rather than hope for a recovery that certainly will not occur.

[msmicrobe]

I agree the message needs to be adjusted to something more universally compassionate. "You are cherished" is a kinder thing to say than "get well soon" if someone is terminal. It's also far more honest. We can be kind and honest at the same time, so I think yes, get stitching... but on a quilt of love, support, hugs, and concern... not a fairy tale.

My two cents...