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[threepoint14]

My significant other will be moving with me to a new state that is unfamiliar to us both.  I will be the only source of income for some period of time, and they would be giving up a job that has fairly decent benefits (although low salary).  Due to the new location, their best hope (by far) is self-employment.  Should we plan to elope to save many thousands of dollars in insurance costs, while enjoying vastly lower taxes by filing jointly with our disparate incomes?  ironically, the savings would easily pay for an appropriately-sized reception after 12 months.  Even with open bar.  *Sigh*

[bud04]

You should if you love them and can't live without them. Otherwise no.

[ruralguy]

"Elope" is a loaded term, suggesting avoiding relatives and friends completely. That MIGHT be what you want to do, and it might not.

Explain the situation to your closest friends and relatives. Ask (without formal invites)
them to be in town if they possibly can on the date you plan to go to city hall or have a small ceremony.

If, for whatever reason, that would ignite even more flames, then just forget it and elope.
I know for my family, such a thing would have likely been impossible. There is always someone who , at least supposedly, would have been extremely offended if excluded.


I know some folks who did elope (literally nobody else at the wedding other than a minister), and everyone was cool with it, and everyone knows they are married, and its not a big deal.

[corny]

Point of clarification: are you trying to decide whether to get married, for the financial benefits, when otherwise you would not do so? Or are you sure you're going to get married, and just wondering if you should bump the date back in order to get the financial benefits sooner?

If the first of these...that's a tough question. See bud04.

If the second, it's a bit easier. See ruralguy. And I will add that my best friend and her husband did something like this, though for different reasons - they had a very small wedding with just parents and ... let's see...a total of 4 friends, one of whom was the officiant. Then, a year later, they had a huge and fabulous party to which they invited everyone they could think of. It worked out very well for them, and no one was too put out, despite some initial discomfort on the parts of the parents. But only you know the Byzantine workings of your own family dynamics, and your own personal feelings about such things (will you be crushed forever if you don't have a big ceremony on the actual wedding day?). Such things will be necessary factors in your decision, I think.

[threepoint14]

Thanks all... Re: Corny, it is (mostly) the second.  We keep looking at it practically and thinking that there is very little benefit to doing things traditionally (except appeasing 1-2 relatives each), and really think it might fit our needs and personalities better regardless.  If proceeding "traditionally", the financial cost would be enormous considering we'd be losing ~$10k by waiting a year, then spending far more when the time finally came.  This is also troubling since my SO's new career is somewhat tenuous.  We are trying to see if there is something we've overlooked - along the lines of ruralguy's suggestions.  We don't have any psychological need for a big ceremony (as atheists and introverts), but fear the possible guilt trips that we might receive from those not invited to participate. 

Re: ruralguy, possibilities of either an actual elopement or just a small ceremony have been discussed!  Indeed, one possibility would be to elope and then stage a "fake" wedding at a later date.

[johnr]

Exactly how many people are you marrying?  As a rule, introverted atheists should alway elope.

[spectacle]

We did this in August.  We moved to a state where I could not add my SO to my benefits unless we were married.  We got married at city hall three days before I started the job.  

Parents were furious.  Relatives who I barely know were surprisingly furious.  

But honestly, we were relieved to just have it done and over with and to have the pressure off.  We had two friends come from Nearby City to act as witnesses.  Total cost (fees, application, a dress, cake, flowers): less than $200.

In my opinion: 100% worth it.  I come from a culture/family that regularly spends upwards of a quarter of a million dollars on weddings.  No, thank you.  

Also, if you send "wedding announcements" after the fact, you will be SHOCKED at how many gifts you receive, so be sure to register somewhere.   Bonus!  

[kedves]

My mother would be very hurt if I eloped.  It's not that I would want to appease my closest family members or that I would fear a guilt trip, but that I would want to avoid the guilt itself of injuring someone I love.  But you know your family and your relationships with its members; I don't. 

If you are not religious and the wedding means little to you, then it probably makes the most sense in terms of fitting who you are to have a tiny city-hall-lunch-after event now and a party for family and friends in a year, rather than a "fake wedding" later. 

[helpful]

Are you saying you can't live common law in the new state and file taxes jointly? That is strange. Is that common in your state?

[threepoint14]

Re: Helpful - Without revealing specifics of location, no common law, no joint filing, and partner benefits available after one year. 

[octoprof]

You should if you love them and can't live without them. Otherwise no.

The wedding (or whatever substitute) is for you and about you and not about or for your relatives. Do what you two want and make no reference to others. You are grown ups!

We had a wedding, but not the traditional white dress and all (though in a church as we are Christians). We spent exactly $175 on the wedding, if you don't count buying him a new suit and a (non-wedding, wearable again on normal dressy occasions) dress on sale for me.  Everyone wore ordinary clothes. We didn't decorate the church as it was decorated beautifully for Christmas already.

We decided, for us, it wasn't about the to-do so much as the intentions and as we are very middle-aged and one of us has been married before, we just didn't see the point in the extra fluff, so to speak. So we spent the money we did spend on a big reception and a lot of good food and fun. We received a live band as a wedding gift which just made the reception/dinner that much more fun.

Some of our relatives didn't come (for various reasons nothing to do with us) and that's fine.  We enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Our second choice was running away on our bicycled to get married, but the weather wasn't conducive to that in December. :o)

[t_r_b]

You sound just like me ca. 4 years ago. We eloped. Some were offended by the elopement, but what really hurt was the subsequent divorce.

Moral of the story: in the long run, whether/how you get married matters a lot less, to everyone involved, than the strength of the partnership. What with the move, new job/career uncertainty, etc., that partnership will be enduring a bit more stress over the coming months/years than you may expect. Get the piece of paper from the state so that you don't have to worry about ridiculous insurance premiums on top of all that.

As to the wedding itself, what Octo said.

[prof_smartypants]

Avoiding all the financial questions, I'll add my experience [although it would out me with anyone who knows me]

I kind of eloped. Hubby and I had been together many years, and were living across the country from most of our friends and family. Instead of trying to figure out how to pull off a wedding (which would have been largely self-funded) while we were in grad school, we decided to incur the wrath of my inlaws by eloping. My parents thought it was the coolest idea ever. But then, they hate weddings.

Now I don't know if "elope" is the right word. We told everyone what our plans were (get married in Greece!); had two very casual "receptions" - one in homestate and one in gradschoolstate; and had two friends act as witnesses and travel buddies who came to Greece with us.

Despite "eloping", we still did the whole deal - wedding website with photos, sent invitations, had food, etc. But by having two parties, they were both small enough that we didn't need to rent a big venue, and we just had beer and wine and some snacks (thanks, Costco!). Our wedding itself was perfect, and the parties were both really fun (and actually fairly classy, with Greek themes, etc.) I bought a great dress on Ebay for $50!

We even got some gifts! And we were able to do it all for about $7K. That's including 2 weeks in Greece, and we paid hotel rooms for 3 nights for our friends who came with us, as well as a post-ceremony dinner that was freaking amazing, but set us back about $750!! We also paid for food and booze for two parties. My parents chipped in for more than half of that, and cash gifts from other family members paid the rest (with some to spare - as well as some fantastic knives and cookware)

It's not for everyone nor every family, but it was terrific for us. And 3 years later, my inlaws have mostly forgotten that they were "cheated" out of a wedding.

[scampster]

Smartypants, if I ever get married, I'm stealing your "wedding."

[helpful]

Re: Helpful - Without revealing specifics of location, no common law, no joint filing, and partner benefits available after one year.  

Geez that is a pretty regressive state. I hope there aren't too many places where that is policy. (I lived common law for years and was able to jointly file and claim partner benefits for all those years).