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[the_geneticist]

Grrr! Not sure if this belongs here or the clueless MIL thread as it involves my OWN mom and fretting about the first holidays without the ex.  Basically, my ex made holidays un-fun for everyone in my family.  We never seemed to find an OK balance between spending time with his family and spending time with my family after more than 10 years together.  He pretty much just wanted my family to be absorbed into his, didn't want to do any activities with my family, etc.  It got to the point that my mom said she no longer wants to "do Christmas" - no tree, no decorating, no cooking, etc due to his bad attitude.  But now we're divorced.  So, no more problems, right? 
So, here's the issue.  I am seeing someone and would like to bring him to Thanksgiving, which would involve an overnight stay at my parents house in another state.  And, yes, my parents know about Hiking Guy.  And I would like to do Thanksgiving with my parents.  I inquired and my Mom was initially nice on the phone.  She then called my sister and fretted that it was "too soon", didn't like that we're not arriving until Friday (neither is my sister), claims that Dad is upset by this, accused me of being asked to bake pies for his family (wtf?), etc.  Oh. My. God.  So much for the "I'm really happy with my life, want to meet the great guy I'm dating?".  Not sure whether to ride out the crazy or make other plans.
Anyone else have insight into introducing parents to "the new guy" as it were?  Mine still seem to want to just complain about how they didn't like my ex.  That would be a really awkward holiday.  Thoughts?

[chickpea]

Welcome, scatterbrain.

TG... yeah, I think going through divorce is hard on our families, too.  I had to tell my parents outright that they weren't allowed to complain about my ex.  I knew they would, and they are totally entitled to their anger and hurt too, but I said I didn't want to hear about it.  What I needed from them was to focus on me and how I was moving forward.  Maybe your family doesn't want to get their hopes up about new guy, maybe they're worried for you and a potential rebound, who knows.  It sounds like holidays are particularly charged for your mom, and it was disrupted for many years because of your ex, and maybe she'd like it to just be family again for at least a year, kind of get things back on track with just you, before introducing another whole personality into the mix.  Your mom might be dealing with some residual anger at you for having "ruined" Christmas for a few years there, and that might be something you two should talk about.

But here's what I would do:

1. tell them they can't complain about your ex anymore, you cared about him enough to marry him, you tried to make it work, it didn't, they are entitled to their anger, but they need to respect the relationship you had with him

2. either make other holiday plans with Hiking Guy or see family without him. 

FWIW, I had a very similar situation with my ex and the holidays.  It was really nice last year to have the holidays back with just my family, without the stress of the ex.

[dr_prephd]

Anyone else have insight into introducing parents to "the new guy" as it were? 

I've also just gotten to the point of introducing a new beau to the parents. I was aiming for something along the lines of the same circumstances as a first date: set time frame, neutral territory, not at a place / time that would spark talk or memories of the ex.

[alto_stratus]

The_geneticist, what do you think they would say if you said you changed your mind, realized how stressful this was for your mom, and decided to just have a quiet, low-key celebration at your own home, not traveling anywhere?  Would that work for them this year?  And for you?

My thinking on this is that it is soon.  Not that some people wouldn't be fine with that - but it's not like it has been a year or two and it's "get over it already" time.  You're asking to bring someone they don't know to stay over at their house.  The last guy apparently scarred them.  I can see why someone in this situation might need more time (rational or not).

Given what you said about your mom and the pies, I'd also wonder if it might not be best to keep The Hiker as far away from "the crazy" (as you put it) as possible right now.  But I project. . .

There are a few different options (stay, go, stay in hotel, chip in for pick-up Thanksgiving meal with paper plates, etc.) that might make everyone reasonably happy for now.  You can work on blending the family together gradually.  It probably is too much to expect them to share in your elation.  I'm sorry, but sometimes family and friends of the divorced seem to take longer to heal than the divorced themselves.  They go along for the emotional ride but are pretty powerless to do anything about it, and it can be draining and frustrating for them.  So, I think with this kind of thing, it's better to try to find a compromise instead of pushing the issue.  Give your family the time they need to adjust (or have a calm dinner where they don't have to be nice for guests), if that's what they want.  And, of course, you get to decide what that means for you, and where you'd be happiest for the holiday.

[dr_prephd]

I'm sorry, but sometimes family and friends of the divorced seem to take longer to heal than the divorced themselves. 

So true. I've definitely experienced that myself.

[the_geneticist]

Hi all,
Thanks for the advice on holiday plans and Hiking Guy.  I talked with my mom again last night.  Apparently, her stress is due to 1) a flare up of an ongoing medical problem that she thought she could ignore (why?) and 2) projecting issues she is having with one of her friends.  Mom has been bullied into baking pies for Thanksgiving at a friends house for the last few years and would like to stop, but does not know how to tactfully bring it up.  Which explains her bizarre pie baking comment.  So, I point blank asked her if I should change plans, is it really alright to bring Hiker Guy because I could wait, etc.  She insisted she was happy that I am happy and I should bring him.  OK.  Fingers crossed that she meant it.  We also divided up the cooking so everyone is bringing something.  Hopefully this means it will go alright.

[alto_stratus]

Maybe you can help her out.  She can tell her friend she has to make tons of pies for your new pie-crazy, hiking-enthusiast, hungry-man boyfriend, and doesn't have time to make more.  Then your boyfriend will be invited to every Thanksgiving.

She can give her "friend" the pie recipe, or if she lives in one of those places where good bakeries make nice pies and donate some of the proceeds to charity this time of year, recommend one of those organizations. 

[scatterbrain]

So I've perused the other pages in this thread, but I might have missed any similar questions:

How did you know? How did you know when it was time for a divorce? My husband and I have been together for a very long time, and I love him so much. But we haven't been ourselves in years, and it is starting to become unbearable, because just remembering how we used to be is painful now. I know this probably sounds contrived. I feel pathetic posting this on an anonymous message board. But some nights it is so hard that my whole body just aches.


So... if you are okay with sharing (as little or as much detail as you like), how did you know?


I don't hate him. I just can't see this getting better. Neither of us has done anything terrible, and I think, in some respects, that makes it more difficult to decide. If there'd been an affair, or something like that... maybe I wouldn't be so torn up about this.


(And I am seeing a therapist, but we haven't gotten to this part yet.)

[alto_stratus]

I'm not quite sure what you mean.  You haven't been yourselves in years?  Relationships often change over time, and people change.  You can't expect to have the same relationship over 10-20 years.  Unfortunately, this does mean that sometimes, people grow apart.

As for knowing when a relationship is going sour, well, you get to the point where the negatives outweigh the positives, the bad days outnumber the good days, and after working on things for a while, there's just no reason to believe things will ever get any better.  Even after you figure out where you stand on whether it's a good or bad relationship for you (and your partner), it may take some to figure out what you want to do about it.  So, I think for some people the end is the point of exhaustion with the relationship.  Like running a marathon and hitting the wall where you just can't take another step.  Also, I think sometimes you know it's the right thing to do when ending the relationship no longer feels completely scary and awful, and those feelings are replaced with an accepting peace or relief. 

You sound so unhappy right now.  Therapy is great thing, as is exploring what's going on in the relationship; but in between appointments, try to put some of your energy toward being happy, just for yourself.  It's a good thing to do either way.

[spork]

Scatterbrain, I knew when I decided that I could not live the rest of my life like I had been living it for the last few years. The entire relationship lasted a decade, and a certain behavior pattern that had been present from the beginning, but occasional and not dealt with effectively at the beginning, became frequent and regular. I'm not referring to chemical addiction, but anger, contempt, resentment, etc. I didn't think it likely that the situation would improve, so that was it, I bailed. Glad I did, too.

[zoelouise]

But we haven't been ourselves in years, and it is starting to become unbearable...

I don't hate him. I just can't see this getting better.

Can you elaborate at all about the nature of the problem?

[the_geneticist]

Just came back from Thanksgiving where I heard through the grapevine that my ex is engaged and brought his fiancee to meet his family.  My mom told me and wanted to know my reaction.  Not sure if she told me to see if I already knew or if she wanted to hurt me or just thought I should know.  My thoughts were pretty much "Huh.  That was fast.  Totally explains why ex hasn't been calling or emailing (yippee for being left alone!).  Wonder if he was cheating on me.   Whatever."  I don't seem to care.

[alto_stratus]

Totally explains why ex hasn't been calling or emailing (yippee for being left alone!).  Wonder if he was cheating on me.   

Interesting development!  Wow.  Well, since you're done with him, it's probably a good thing for everyone, for the reason you state.  I don't think he was cheating, but I will say sometimes TOW do you a big favor by getting a wishy-washy partner or clinger out of your life.  I wish I'd let the first one take my ex.

[zoelouise]

Just came back from Thanksgiving where I heard through the grapevine that my ex is engaged and brought his fiancee to meet his family. 

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

[prof2be]

Happy new year, all. It seems a bit odd to post here again, I'm still not divorced, but it's 18 months since he asked for a divorce, so nothing's very "new"...my lawyer has said we're going to have to sign affidavits explaining why it's taking so long (disagreement on a settlement, and his, or his lawyer's inability to respond to my lawyer's letters promptly).

Anyway, I've been wondering if something I experience is a post-divorce, new singleton thing, or just a me thing. Despite being in year two of post-married life, I am still so incredibly overwhelmed by possibilities/my potential. The sky is the limit, and assuming I can get a job offer (currently VAP, after having adjuncted elsewhere), I could accept one anywhere, no two body problem anymore. Everytime a new job posting comes out, I freak out and think, oh no, not ANOTHER one! It's not dread, just I-can't-believe-I-could-go-THERE-and-do-THAT, too! I'm an optimist, and it shows, but after seven years with my ex, contemplating the two body problem, further complicated by a two country problem, it is so luxurious to just think of me. I don't know how to cope. I just get so darned excited by all the things I could do (tempered with waves of despair over the job market). I do feel there isn't just one "right" thing to do or place to be, that I'd be happy with most of the jobs I've applied for. It just feels intense a lot of the time, sometimes keeps me up at night, my mind racing through all the scenarios that could play out. I am anxious about the lack of security I now face outside of the marriage but so far my optimism balances that out. How the heck do you cope with no limits? Sure the job market is dire and that could be a limitation, but I'm told I've done well and am in a good position to land something. There is so much that I could DO, I start to feel mentally fried thinking about different directions, it's just so stimulating.

But maybe I'm an odd duck...or is anyone else totally fired up about all they can consider outside of the commitments and negotiations marriage requires?