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[tanit]

Hello Forumites.

I am inspired by Athena's post to start a New Divorce Thread:

First, congrats, OP. I'm in the middle of a divorce also, and I'm already tired of people saying, "I'm sorry," when they hear. I'm NOT.

I don't know if anyone wants to share or look for support or whatever, but, well now we are two.  And then there's the OP for the name change thread (sorry, can't remember!).  Join us?

[mg2010]

Ok, I'll join in.  Not a new forumite, just created a new moniker for this thread.  Not divorced yet, but seriously considering it.  I read through the entire 2007 divorce thread this morning. 

I've moved out once three years ago, saw a divorce attorney last year, and I'm almost ready to take the plunge.  Spouse refuses to seek counseling and says it's all me.  After a year of therapy, I know it's not me.  Sure, some of it was/has been, but that's not the least of it.  I'm where I want to be in my life and my career, and he's not.  He's not the man I married, and I do not like what he has become.  Now I just have to decide if I'm ready to cut my losses.

[kedves]

MG2010, speaking as one who has been there, my feeling is that if you don't have children, do it now.  Gather up your courage and do it.  Don't drag it out.  It's hard, but time spent lingering doesn't make it less hard.

I'll post to encourage.  I think this is a situation in which many people don't know what to do or say.  They mean well when they say they're sorry.  I couldn't hear that, either.  If I could offer advice about what to do and what not to do from my experience, it would be to try to consider realistically who you are now, and your needs now, rather than who you used to be before marriage or who you wanted to be while the marriage was dying.  And don't be nice!  I gave up too much, and it broke me apart, in the effort to make amends for disrupting someone else's life.

I'm ambivalent about marriage, not opposed to it, several years after divorce.  But when it was new to me, I lived in the historic area of a historic city where just-married couples often took a carriage ride.  I had to bite my tongue to keep from shouting, "Good luck with THAT!"  I knew at the time I was crazy--divorce does make you crazy--but it still makes me laugh at myself to think about it.  Maybe I could have pulled it off if I wore a cape.

Good luck to both, all, any who are going through this.  It's an adventure and there are good things on the other side.

[tanit]

mg2010,

I think you got some good advice from Kedves.  Although I was on the other side of the leaving (i.e., the one who got left), my spouse wouldn't go to counseling, either.  To me this is a real message of "I don't care about you or us" and if spouse doesn't care about you, you should care about you.

Good luck to you.

[luvstowrite]

I have a colleague who always asks "why are divorces so expensive?" when troubles at home get brought up...

Wait for it....





Because they're worth it. He knows since he has gone through two of them and yes, I agree, they definitely are!

Are you:
1) ever coming up with ideas to stay at work and not go home?
2) trying to nit-pick to start an argument so you can leave?
3) wondering what your life would be like without hu?
4) constantly being the adult of the marriage? Making all of the tough decisions and running the household?

Did you answer "yes" to any of the above questions? If so, start saving money now so you will have a little nest egg when you do leave. Put it in a new savings account in a new and separate bank or credit union. Don't tell anyone about it. If things work out between you, you can use the money for a second honeymoon. If not, you'll have a down payment on a new apartment or condo.

[mg2010]

Thanks to both of you.  I read kedves' post like ten times and then bawled my eyes out -- thanks for the advice.

And luvstowrite,  I think I've finally come to grips with the costs.  The worst I'd be out would be two years of spousal support.  And no, we don't have children. 

But I have a good TT job that I enjoy, and supportive family and friends.

[tanit]

Thanks to both of you.  I read kedves' post like ten times and then bawled my eyes out -- thanks for the advice.

And luvstowrite,  I think I've finally come to grips with the costs.  The worst I'd be out would be two years of spousal support.  And no, we don't have children. 

But I have a good TT job that I enjoy, and supportive family and friends.

It sounds like you're being realistic and preparing to take the next step.  Maybe making up your mind will bring some much-needed relief.

FWIW, I did my share of breakup crying this weekend, too.  Despite the tears I am having moderate success replacing the "why me?" thoughts with a plan for what's next - you can do this, too, mg2010.

[t_r_b]

I'll second the advice to take the leap now. As I mentioned in another thread recently (and chronicled at great length in my various threads last year) I dragged it out in hopes of us becoming people other than we were, and the result was just more pain on all sides.

About saying "I'm sorry": I've said this to people myself, and had it said to me plenty of times, and have no problem with it. To me, the sorrow in question is not about the marriage ending per se, but rather the pain and stress and expense surrounding the end of the marriage (which may have preceded, accompanied, or followed on the divorce itself). I am not sorry that I am no longer married, or that other divorced people I know are no longer married. I am very sorry about the misery that failed marriage involves.

About the legal stuff: if you have potential exposure for spousal support, see if you can get your spouse to accept a lump sum payment up front (i.e., out of your share of the property division) instead. At least in my state, that settlement involved both parties waiving all rights to any maintenance in the future, which would protect you from your ex coming back to court in two years (or whenever) and getting the support order extended (due to hardship, disability, or whatever else). As long as you are still paying support, the term of support can be lengthened at the whim of a judge (and even if the judge doesn't award the extension, you'll still have to pay a lawyer to argue against it), but if the support is waived in favor of a lump sum, you won't have to worry about that.

[spork]

What trb says -- the financial aspects of divorce can last the longest.  The sooner the financial relationship is ended the better (usually).

I was legally divorced in 2006 after the legally required year-long separation.  I remarried last year.  I found out recently that my ex-wife will soon marry again.  Life goes on.

[nebo113]

Read "Crazy Time"

[tanit]

This financial advice is much-appreciated.  I keep telling myself that taking care of the "business end" of the divorce is the best thing to do even though it feels so damn awful.

[t_r_b]

This financial advice is much-appreciated.  I keep telling myself that taking care of the "business end" of the divorce is the best thing to do even though it feels so damn awful.

If my experience is any guide, working through the awful feelings takes a lot longer than the "business end." The sooner you can get the "business end" out of the way, the sooner you'll be able to move ahead with the emotional end unencumbered by the financial uncertainty, lingering "business" ties, etc. And that's a good thing.

So yes, it does feel awful, but it won't even begin to start feeling less awful until you've moved past the legal and financial ordeal. All you can do is take it one step at a time.

Good luck.

[tanit]

Thanks again, t_r_b.

[athena1]

I'll join in.

Spouse refuses to seek counseling and says it's all me.  After a year of therapy, I know it's not me.  Sure, some of it was/has been, but that's not the least of it. 

This part is quite familiar. . . really, it's what lead to the end.

[athena1]

They mean well when they say they're sorry.  I couldn't hear that, either. 

I know. They really do mean well and I don't take offense. I just tell them I'm fine and I'm looking forward to the future.

  But when it was new to me, I lived in the historic area of a historic city where just-married couples often took a carriage ride.  I had to bite my tongue to keep from shouting, "Good luck with THAT!" 

I feel exactly the same way when I hear someone's getting married!