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[reuterkietz]

This is partly a question about navigating academia and partly about navigating life...

For the last 3 years my SO of 6 years and I have been taking it in turns to take up academic positions so we can be together. Whilst he had a postdoc I worked part time for 2 years finishing my dissertation away from my grad school and during the last year I had a visiting position and he deferred his next postdoc to be a visiting scholar in my college.

Its been tough living on one wage, an unstable visa situation (I'm not a US citizen) and dealing with one of us essentially being less connected to colleagues and out of work (though of course in academia we can always be writing/ attending conferences etc). Blah, I know this is the life we chose etc etc...

I went on the job market this year and he did not since he has a one year post doc next year and pretty much wanted a break from the whole process. Now I have been lucky enough to be offered a TT job for next year. It's a really exciting position and it is about as far away from his postdoc as it is possible to be (whilst still being in the US). There is, apparently, no option for a spousal hire. Although we could manage for a year long distance I think if either of us had to opt-out of academia for the relationship it should be me since I'm ambivalent about my career if it conflicts with other life goals (family, settling down etc). I'm a feminist theorist in my field and I struggle with this, I cringe when I read that sentence, but its how I feel and I want to have balance in my life...

Since this offer was really unexpected I have made plans to spend part of next year at my current college and part of the year as a visiting scholar in the city where my SO will be. I'm excited for the chance to write and rest and be with him. I'd like to ask for the opportunity to defer. I'm also considering not taking the job.

I'm not sure what my question is :) How normal is it to defer for personal reasons? Is it worth jeopardizing a relationship over a career choice? Can a relationship survive a 10 hour flight? Is that a relationship worth being in?

(NB I recognize I am incredible fortunate to have a job offer)




 

[totoro]

Alaska or Hawaii? :)

I'm a British/Australian citizen and my wife is a PRC citizen. I had a tenured job (R1 university) in the US (but was still on the way to a green card) she completed her PhD in 2007 at another US university. We decided to relocate to Australia to solve all the problems. She was offered a position here. We solved the living together and visa issues in one stroke. I got a one year research position here. I may be about to be offered a longer term job and some other consulting stuff coming up in the meantime. The mitigating factors for this move are that I/we had a lot of accessible savings and I am pretty established in my field with a decent chance to get a new position eventually.

Is your SO American? From your country? If you are both from the same country or it is easy for one of you to immigrate to the other country maybe relocating there will make life easier.

[reuterkietz]

Thanks for your thoughts! He's a US citizen and I'm British/Canadian...

[sibyl]

First of all, there are some places that will allow you to defer, although you should be prepared for them to say no.  And if they say no, you have a different problem -- which is what I'm going to talk about here.

A lot depends on your field, your spouse's field, and the nation in which "your" TT position is located, so all of this advice might change.

Generally speaking, though, tenure-track positions are good ones and should be strongly valued, especially in those fields where feminist theory is likeliest to be present.  So I would encourage you to game it out on the other end.  Is it possible for your spouse to restrict his job search to the area around "your" college?  How far away are you willing to live from each other and your workplace -- let's say, can you work in San Antonio and he works in Waco and you live in the middle in Austin?  Can he take jobs outside of academia in your region? 

You say that you would be the most likely person to alter your career for family reasons.  That's a fair point, but things change.  I entered my marriage assuming I'd be the trailing spouse and now I am the leading spouse.  You may reach a point where those other issues, which loom so large now, will be much less significant later.

A one-year separation is not fun, but it is very doable, and for most people it would be worth putting up with separation for a single year if it leads to a mutually fulfilling situation for the rest of your lives. 

Good luck.

[offthemarket]

One year?  It shouldn't be a problem if you both are very serious.

A feminist theorist thinking that it might be her role to be more accommodating because of wanting to raise a family?  Now THAT'S a problem.  Why shouldn't he be any more willing and wanting to do the same or greater share as you?

[stevefoerster]

Although we could manage for a year long distance I think if either of us had to opt-out of academia for the relationship it should be me since I'm ambivalent about my career if it conflicts with other life goals (family, settling down etc). I'm a feminist theorist in my field and I struggle with this, I cringe when I read that sentence, but its how I feel and I want to have balance in my life...

I'm sympathetic.  I'm American, but my wife's foreign and doesn't really want to be in the U.S.  She's here because that's where I have to be, for now, but in a few years, it will be her turn, and we'll relocate permanently to her country.  In her view, feminism is about choices, and hers is this path.  So if deferring or forgoing the position is your choice, don't feel bad for failing to conform to someone else's view of what your life should be.

-=Steve=-

[t_r_b]

Why shouldn't he be any more willing and wanting to do the same or greater share as you?

What does your partner have to say about all this? Would he prioritize his one-year postdoc over you taking a tenure-track job? If so, even if you do want to sacrifice your career for family, this might not be the guy to do it for.

[mended_drum]

Here's one question:  is your SO likely to be offered a tt position in the next few years?  I ask because you should seriously consider the market for both of your disciplines before making your decision.  I'm assuming from his post-docs that he's not in a humanities field and you are:  does this mean that he has a very good shot at a tt position in the near future?  How many degree-holders in his field are receiving offers?  Because if his is not a high-demand field, I'd snap of the tt position now so that at least one of you has a possible steady job, especially if you're considering starting a family. 

[tenured_feminist]

Good Goddess, I hope you took the job. Stop reading feminist theory and start reading feminist economics. You'll have more long-term career mobility from a tenure-stream position than trying to figure something out in a few years when the visiting position ends.

Don't view life goals as two separate boxes of career and family that may come into conflict with each other. Instead, think about life goals as an integrated whole that includes the kind of career stability and satisfaction that will enable the kind of family life you want to have.

[t_r_b]

Stop reading feminist theory and start reading feminist economics.

This is one of my all-time favorite CHE fora sentences. It hits that nail squarely on the head.

You'll have more long-term career mobility from a tenure-stream position than trying to figure something out in a few years when the visiting position ends.

Not to mention that if all else fails, you will be left with a tenure-stream position, rather than, say, trying to support yourself and an unemployed partner and any kids you might have on whatever non-academic job you can get.

[normative_]

Stop reading feminist theory and start reading feminist economics.

This is one of my all-time favorite CHE fora sentences. It hits that nail squarely on the head.

Powerful. Simple. True.

Reuterkietz, I'll third TF's comments and suggest you think about the consequences if you tried to put family first, in the temporal sense, before you secure a TT job (and indeed tenure).

I'll also speak an unpleasant truth. If you turn down this job even out of uncertainty, then word about you will spread. That you're no longer a player and no one should invite you for an interview in the future. That won't be something to do with gender discrimination, but the fact that you applied for the job, got it and then pissed it away. You only turn down an offer for a better one. Deferring is simply delaying the inevitable. I would think that you don't really want to come to my university, and retract the offer, because there are classes to teach and so on.

I also find it disappointing that your partner chose not to go on the market at the same time, to also try to find something where you both could land. That's pretty...inert...in my view, and harbours the potential for a one-sided relationship that will do you no good.

[cropguru]

Take the job.  A year is short-term.  TT is for a solid career base with a ton of choices, as previously mentioned.