next »

[anna2404]

I really need to vent and also will very appreciate your ideas .

The issue of dual body is lasting for our family long enough already. I pursued my B.A. and we have to move closer to where my hubby's MA was, than I got to MA program to the same university and we were together and happy. Than my hubby defended his PH.D. and waited for me for 1 year when I finish masters. Than we both moved into US. In NC I was not happy at all, but soon enough in 8 months we moved in IL. I started there my Ph.D. and my hubby was a post doc. We got a baby (in fact I started my Ph.D. being 9 months pregnant). Then he got a new position with an excellent scholarship in the middle of nowhere with absolutely no chances for me to any career. I decided to stay and pursue my Ph.D. I studied and took care of the child all alone fo 18 months. Then, when I defended my proposal my hubby got a TT position in a nice city and I felt exhausted to take care of our girl alone, she needed urgent medical care and her health was a concern. i could find (1) course to teach as an adjunct and it was very far and so poorly paid, plus my dissertation got really stucked. Then I was offered a summer job in my Alma Mater, it was nicely paid and gave me an opportunity to make a progress in my dissertation. Then, I was not done and got a Fall job offer, my hubby was against and even proposed divorce. This semester I had to work two jobs (upper division absolutely new course and lower division absolutely new course in other institution with an hour 15 minutes commute), working on my dissertation, being grad rep in the undergrad committee and taking care of our girl. The academic situation of my dissertation got complicated (nothing that i had control of though), i felt that our girl is miserable and need her dad and came back. My dissertation is still not defended and I am not sure when it will happen...

Now, we trying hard to keep the family, the only thing- I am not working, or aka facing unemployment. I applied in more than 30 places, I got 4 interviews, for one job I am a candidate number 2. Yet these are three months that i am staying home, i do work on my dissertation, i wrote a draft of the article, yet I am home-sick. Today I was asked to volunteer to my daughter school, since "we are seizing you are the staying home mom, so we sowelcome your volunteering this Wednesday..."...I agreed to volunteer, yet I came home and cried, because I felt so unhappy. It also hurts that I pay for the kindergarten from my own saving, since "this is my issue"- I stay home, so could our child. I enjoy taking her to classes- swimming, gymnastics, i enjoy doing with her homework, but this staying home is not so much me. I feel invisible, not important...even in my daughter playgroup when I told I am not working (and all other moms have this or that academic career) we were stopped of being invited there.

I currently I feel very isolated, not really sure what to do with my 'career' and life in generally. The options I considered and partially tried:
(a) Adjunct faculty starting next fall- no luck so far, also miserable pay;
(b) data analyst- no luck either;
(c) project manager- additional cources required and lack of experience;
(d)child care teacher- approval of foreign certificate, little pay and little respect;
(e) bookstore clerk- just learned here, not too excited;
(f) MFT-additional MA, GRE, funds;
(g) private bussiness- afterschool program, wellness center- not yet sure how to do that...

Trying to get to the same university as my hubby- in my specialty got multiple messages of 'you do not belong to club' starting with my adviser (who wrote that i am a mommy track student with not much of potential as a recommendation letter) and other people from this university also showed me that I do not belong...

any thoughts, advice?

[hegemony]

I am a little puzzled about your situation because some parts of your explanation are a little confusing.  If it's still possible, however, I would think that the most urgent business is to finish your PhD.  This will put you in a much better position on the job market.  You obviously do not enjoy being a stay-at-home parent, and moreover it sounds as if it would be wise for you to retain your employability in case your marriage does not last.  I would refuse all attempts to make you volunteer at your daughter's school; instead, put your time into your dissertation.  When you have the PhD in hand, try the job market and see what happens.  Then you'll be in a better position to assess your options.

[crowie]

It also hurts that I pay for the kindergarten from my own saving, since "this is my issue"- I stay home, so could our child.

What?  This is outrageous.  You and your husband are not thinking or working as a team.  It doesn't sound like he particularly cares if you finish.

By the way, you can withdraw from volunteering at the school.  Just call them back and say that you have an important project and that unfortunately you cannot commit time to anything else until it is done.  (That project is your dissertation by the way).

You didn't specify your field but from my (humanities) perspective, the fact that you got four interviews and actually made it to being the runner-up for one job (that's how I am interpreting "candidate number 2") reflects well on your abilities and potential.

Trying to get to the same university as my hubby- in my specialty got multiple messages of 'you do not belong to club' starting with my adviser (who wrote that i am a mommy track student with not much of potential as a recommendation letter) and other people from this university also showed me that I do not belong...

Wait, so you got those interviews even with this negative letter?  How did you find out the contents of the letter anyhow?

any thoughts, advice?

It doesn't sound like you are too far away from finishing, so focus on finishing no matter what it takes.

[anna2404]

Hegemony, thank you. English is my second language, so I definitely can be unclear. My dissertation is sent to the committee, my adviser is happy with it, the outside committee member stated that it will take her for a while to read my dissertation. I am working on formatting, fixing typos and so... yet it still can change because of possibly coming comments (I asked an advice about it in grad school topic.. and described there my whole situation), I will send my paper to the conference tomorrow, and will apply for the fellowship if my adviser approves.

Crowie, I applied to TT teaching positions in colleges, giving three other letters (not that one I mentioned). Of course they contacted my adviser too. I also applied for non-tenual positions that do not require recommendation letters and got refused. My adviser had a connection in the university my hubby got in, but he thinks i won't fit there.
As for my hubby- he helps, he pays insurance, appartment and food and is not ready to contribute for the child care, he never did, besides our daughter sports. He comes home very late, very tired, he helps with housework and so, but he indeed absolutely does not care whether I finish or not.

[anna2404]

Crowie, I forgot to thank you in prior post. well, the content of the recommendation letter- my adviser is an honest man- he sent me a copy.

[mouseman]

I don't want to come across as mean, but I think that you don't truly have a two-body problem.  Hubby is not really in the picture.  He expects you to drop out of school and take care of your child so that he can pursue his academic career unhindered by your aspirations.

I think that the most important thing you need to do is to have a long talk with Hubby, and decide whether you are want to:
A.  Give up your career and be a housewife and primary childcare provider, while Hubby gets to live his academic dream,
B.  Give Hubby an ultimatum - either he gets with the program and does his share in child care, etc., or
C.  Skip straight to the part where you get a divorce, and Hubby continues to pay what he's paying now, AND ALSO pays for child care.

Seriously, at least from what you've written here, Hubby doesn't sound like a committed father or partner.  It seems that HIS career comes first, before your career, his child, and his marriage. 

[reener06]

anna, I agree completely with mouseman here. I'm guessing there are cultural differences between what is expected regarding gender roles in your country of origin and this country. Here, your husband not supporting the childcare seems egregious to me, and others; it may not be so to you, so keep in mind these differences. That said, I don't feel that I can comment on this aspect of your post in a way that is helpful to you.

Instead, I commiserate with you about the school assuming that because you are working on a dissertation, you are free to volunteer for them at will. I have faced the same problem throughout most of grad school, but especially the last 2 years as I analyzed data and then began writing. I too got frustrated, but then realized I need to set my own boundaries. When my daughter is at school, those are my work hours, and I do not volunteer at this time. I'll occasionally volunteer for career day, to provide a positive role model for my field. I don't go on field trips or volunteer in the library or assist in the classroom. Other parents chose not to work, and they can do that. Perhaps at some point I will choose that route. Right now my priority is finishing my dissertation. Don't be afraid to say no, and try to ignore the reaction. They are used to hearing no, and they will quickly find someone else to "volunteer" for them. This is a source of guilt you don't need and you do need to ignore.

Ultimately, if you want to finish the dissertation to fulfill your goals, finishing it is the best way to be a good parent.

[anna2404]

Sadly enough the mouseman you might be totally right. Today I was all happy that my adviser approved the paper for the conference and that I got a recommendation letter sent from other committee member...I told my husband in excitement when he told " Well, do u realize this might be your last article? May be one more, but it so hard when you outside of the academia...". I tried to speak with him more, but he was like "I said nothing". Even more sadly that according to the culture of my country he is a good and committed father and husband...i am on wrong side.

reener06 thanks for taking this guilt of not volunteering out, I told them I won't do it and felt tremendously relieved.

[mouseman]

I'm really sorry, Anna, it sounds like a totally unpleasant (to say the least), situation.  I hope things work out for you.  In any case, from the situation you described, you are in the right - you supported your husband during his PhD, and you have the right to at least the same support, for that reason if no other. and there are many other reasons that he should support you.
You may want to try couples counseling, but if he is resistant to that, you may want to think of contacting a good divorce lawyer.

Hang in there, and stop by here for support, and whatever advice we can give.

[bhavani]

I tried to speak with him more, but he was like "I said nothing". Even more sadly that according to the culture of my country he is a good and committed father and husband...i am on wrong side.

This is utterly depressing. You sound very committed to your child, family, and work. Your PhD thesis appears to be coming along well, and you are on good terms with your adviser. Plus you are able to handle a difficult relationship, one that's laced with cultural and gender-related conflicts. On top of that, you are making plans for your future as a professional, and you also seem to be successful turning out papers for conferences. Do try to filter out the "noise" and negative feedback, and continue on your path. You have accomplished so much already.

I'm really sorry, Anna, it sounds like a totally unpleasant (to say the least), situation.  I hope things work out for you.  In any case, from the situation you described, you are in the right - you supported your husband during his PhD, and you have the right to at least the same support, for that reason if no other. and there are many other reasons that he should support you.
You may want to try couples counseling, but if he is resistant to that, you may want to think of contacting a good divorce lawyer.

Hang in there, and stop by here for support, and whatever advice we can give.

You sound like a tough lady who has already worked her way through several crises. This last stretch may appear to be the biggest test, but my impression is that your situation has already taken all the necessary turns, and that as you are nearing the completion of your degree, all these issues are simply blowing up in your face like perhaps a kind of cumulative effect of the overall drama. However, the deeper structures that you have established for yourself are already in place, and they may be more resilient to the current interferences than you think. Now it's "just" a matter of finishing up and moving on to the next phase of your life, the foundation of which you've already built.