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[drpud]

Since I'm not yet on the TT yet, I didn't feel like I could make a viable contribution to the "Exhausted Mommy on Tenure Track" thread. So I hope no one minds if I start another one, purely for venting and commiserating purposes. Anyone care to join me for a while? If not, I'll just make periodic posts to relieve stress, even if no one reads them!!

At the moment my partner works full-time (in a different city) and I am on fellowship elsewhere and looking for a job; we have our toddler in daycare here 3 days per weeks. I love my child to death, of course, and sometimes dream of having #2 in the near future, but I LOVE the days when hu is in daycare. It is a godsend for me! The long weekends we are home together alone, since my partner is currently elsewhere, drive me insane and sometimes put me in a bad mood, especially when I have loads of things to do but cannot do them.
Is this a bad sign? Am I a horrible person? One would think I would be thrilled to be home with my own kid, contributing to hu's development, but in reality I crave quiet time, work time, alone time. Two or three full-on mommy-child days per week, without work or adult company, are enough for me. On top of this, I am struggling to find a permanent position in my field so am under a lot of stress but also nearing the point that I need to decide: have an only child or no?

For this reason I am worried that having another child eventually is a bad idea. Even though I love children and would like to expand the family, I worry about having to stay home for months with a newborn and toddler. If it is hard now with one child, what will it be like with two? I'm afraid it would make me miserable since in honest truth I really enjoy having a family but also a full professional life, which I am still hoping to find, and a career requires time away from children. It is hard to know what to do.

[niceday]

DrPud, you are on track to the tenure track, so you can certainly post on the Exhausted Mommy on TT thread!

I think what you are describing is normal, common and --dare I say it-- good. I mean, we love our kids, but we're adults. If all you wanted to do in life was bang wooden spoons with an excited toddler, you'd be in for a lifetime of disappointment as your toddler will soon grow out of that. Then what would you do? This phase is adorable but demanding but it is a short phase relative to the lifetime you will have with your child. And your kid will have a mommy who's got multiple foci in her life; I imagine that is good for a child. Kids need to grow and become their own person and we'll need to learn to let go. I imagine letting them be who they are will be easier if I have a life outside the kid.

As for weekends -- can you hire a local teenager or student for two-three hours on one of the days? That's what I've been doing even though we're on a tight budget. I figure my sanity and career is worth $24 a day (I get three hours for that!) I cut back in other ways. Maybe at least one day of the weekend? Even two hours can be great.

I'm in a similar situation spouse-wise. He is defending this semester. His dissertation in a lab science with long hours has taken about two years longer than it was supposed to. So, I ended up practically alone for the first year of nicebaby's life. On top of it all, he's going to be gone for the next 10 days! If he doesn't become a hands-on, fully-involved daddy as soon as he graduates, I hope y'all can testify at my sensational trial about the academic mom who lost it on her spouse. He does spend all he can with the kiddo, but still, I have long days when it's just me and the kid, just like you.

So, I oscillate between thinking I should play more with him --and I sometimes do-- and being happy when someone else is playing with him or when he's exploring his toys by himself! As right now!

I also recommend relaxing standards on all non-essential things. Do only that you enjoy or you really must when you have time. Don't blow your precious free time trying to meet standards that aren't essential like a super-clean house.

[lolar2]

If you're on fellowship, you're working full-time. Your child is in daycare only part-time. Of course you're irritable. I'd be worried if you weren't irritable. Is it completely impossible to go to full-time childcare?

[navelgazer]

If you're on fellowship, you're working full-time. Your child is in daycare only part-time. Of course you're irritable. I'd be worried if you weren't irritable. Is it completely impossible to go to full-time childcare?

Although I wouldn't say it this way, I agree with lolar2.

I'm not planning on having another kid, in part because of the job, in part because I hate being pregnant, and in part because I don't like babies. Toddler are awesome, though.

[drpud]

I'm in a similar situation spouse-wise. He is defending this semester. His dissertation in a lab science with long hours has taken about two years longer than it was supposed to. So, I ended up practically alone for the first year of nicebaby's life. On top of it all, he's going to be gone for the next 10 days! If he doesn't become a hands-on, fully-involved daddy as soon as he graduates, I hope y'all can testify at my sensational trial about the academic mom who lost it on her spouse. He does spend all he can with the kiddo, but still, I have long days when it's just me and the kid, just like you.

So, I oscillate between thinking I should play more with him --and I sometimes do-- and being happy when someone else is playing with him or when he's exploring his toys by himself! As right now!

So you know exactly what I'm talking about! It is so hard feeling torn between wanting to and/or feeling like I should play with my child more being thrilled when the kid is being looked after by carers so I can write. LittlePud's Dad lives so far away at the moment that we only see him once every few weeks and right now is a particularly grueling situation; by the time we see him next it will have been a month. I am sad about it and so he is and we both feel awful about LittlePud not seeing Daddy for so long. But this whole separation was intended to help me/us in the long run while I try to find a TT job down the line.

I agree with the lolar2, I should be working full time but I'm not due to the high costs of childcare. This fellowship is high prestige, very low pay, so three days a week was the best I could get, and I'm the one who insisted on having LittlePud with me. Just wish I was motivated, inspired, and positive enough to work non stop when Little Pud is asleep after 8pm; instead, on most nights anyway, I read, sleep, or do whatever because I am simply too exhausted to write. Had no idea how tiring being a single mom/fellow with no friends or family nearby would be! Feel like I am in a self defeating cycle to a certain extent. On fellowship to improve my odds on the market but so exhausted and depressed I'm not getting as much done as I had hoped. My partner says I need to give myself a break and just be content with what I am able to accomplish right now and not stress so much. But it is hard when you're making personal sacrifices for professional reasons with no sense of whether or not it will ever pay off.

Thanks so much for responding and letting me vent. I already feel a bit better!!

[lolar2]

Depending on how much less you're getting done, if you want to make this fellowship actually work to improve your chances in the market, you may need to figure out how to get more childcare in some way. If you're still getting enough done that you are still able to improve your odds, and still keep your living space clean and safe enough for the child, then you can manage with what you have; but you will probably still be very frustrated and irritable until it's over.

[niceday]

I think Lolar is absolutely correct here. This is a key year for you and you have a fellowship. I'd borrow a year's worth of childcare and consider it part of my student loans. I know a lot of people advise against debt but this is strategic debt for productive purposes. You can probably do this with 10K.

My partner says I need to give myself a break and just be content with what I am able to accomplish right now and not stress so much. But it is hard when you're making personal sacrifices for professional reasons with no sense of whether or not it will ever pay off.

Sorry but this is bad advice. You are on the job market. Do not be content! Easy for him to say -- he's got his t-t job. The way academia is structured means that early decisions can have long term consequences that are hard to alter. The job you get now will likely determine the rest of your career.

Spouse-wise I'm in the same spot in terms of his lack of availability -- and I sometimes take heat for letting him get away with doing so little. But, frankly, there is a major difference in that our situations are reversed. I'm t-t and he's not. In my view, the career needs of the non t-t partner needs to have priority -- at least until it is somewhat irrevocably established that the non-t-t partner isn't going to get a job. (But not to the extent that the t-t partner is derailed; it is a balance but your situation does not sound balanced).

It would have been cheaper to get my partner to do what you're doing -- do almost all the childcare-- but it would have torpedoed his career. Now, he may well torpedo his own career anyway, but that's another story. I don't want him to resent me or the baby forever because we decided not to spend money for one year's worth of childcare.

Look, I'll be frank. You're being mommy-tracked. That's absolutely fine for some people. It doesn't sound like you'll be happy that way. You're drifting. Make your choices explicitly.

Beg, borrow, steal, borrow. Get childcare. Get your great work done.

[thenewyorker]

Dying to post...too busy! But now the thread will show up in my new replies.
This thread and the exhausted mommy thread is why we will LOVE a academic mommy thread that is being set up!

I want a second baby, too. Am I certifiably crazy? According to my mom yes!

[dundee]

Can fathers join in this discussion too? I was a stay-at-home-dad with an infant who became a toddler while I wrote my dissertation. My wife and I are now both t-t, but we each spend at least twelve hours during the week looking after our child solo, and sometimes have to spend three or four days doing solo childcare while the other is at a conference, so I understand your frustrations and issues to a large extent.

[dr_alcott]

I think daddies are most welcome, dundee.

My four-year-old is in my office now. The daycare center (attached to my college) called to say she has diarrhea and she can't stay. She seems fine, fortunately, but I'm not prepared (with snacks, entertainment, etc.) for a kid in my office today.   I have ten students coming for individual conferences about their research, and in a couple hours I'm supposed to have a review for and distribute a take-home midterm exam, which cannot be rescheduled. School policy prohibits me from taking her to class.  Husband is trying to see if he can get out of his job today, but it will be at least a couple hours if he can.

Just venting.

[pendragon]

I totally sympathize and chime with all the posters who say that uninterrupted one-on-one with a toddler IS irritating (especially if you are the lone parent and there is no prospect of handing over to someone else or even having much adult conversation outside the workplace).

With regard to having another child, though - is there some reason why you feel pressured to have children so close together? Our 3 arrived at 5 and a half year intervals (i.e. the oldest is eleven years older than the youngest) and while that is not ideal financially, it works perfectly well.

[tolerantly]

Good childcare, and lots of it, prevents child abuse. I am convinced of this.

Love your childcare providers, use more of it if your kiddo likes playing there, and rid yourself of guilt. It gets better, too! LT's gone from 8:30 till 6 every weekday now, and she's one lovey, happy kid. She also knows that Mama is wonderful for hugs and many other things but VERY BORING and not one bit interested in playing Barbies.

Enjoy, enjoy your babe, but not all the time.

[molli_sols]

Drpud- I second all the advice to get more child care so you can get more done.  It doesn't have to be expensive daycare.  I also live apart from my spouse and have primary child care responsibilities.  One of the keys for me is having layers of childcare.  My daughter is in pre-school part of the day, has a regular sitter, takes several classes, and we have gotten to know our neighbors with kids.   You can give yourself a break and get more quiet time by mixing and matching a few different forms of care for your child.   

One low cost source of childcare I found was a student co-op associated with a local church.  We have a regular sitter who lives there and since about 1/2 of the women living in the house are elementary ed majors we've never had a problem getting a last minute sitter either.  I have the sitter pick up at preschool and spend another hour with my daughter.  An extra 90 minutes a day x 5 days a week adds up to almost an extra workday.   

Find out if any of your neighbors have kids near the age of yours.  In our neighborhood on a given Saturday afternoon 6 kids from 2-7 are at one house together while the other parents get stuff done.  We sort take turns and the host family usually has some sort of activity planned like a movie, craft or a game for the kids.  2-3 hours of uninterrupted time on a Saturday is nice for writing.  On weekday nights this happens spontaneously too when the kids get home from school and see each other out in the backyards.  Sometimes that's a good time to bring the neighbors some beer, sit on the deck, and have some adult conversation while the kids entertain themselves.

Lastly, soon your kid will be old enough to do some extra curricular activities.  Look around for stuff at the local community center, library or YMCA for cheaper activities if that's a concern.  So far we do about 3 hours of extras a week.  I find that these are good because I bring grading or other tasks I can start and stop quickly and I get a little done while feeling good that my daughter is doing something she really enjoys.  I priced out dance and swimming classes and they cost a few dollars less than daycare on an hourly basis. 
 

[marigolds]

Me too.  (In a hurry, but want the updates.)

I agree with Tolerantly - toddlers are just irritating.  That's their job.  Mine's three, and I'm in the early stages of dissertating. 

When oh when will he figure out that I'm boring?!?

[thenewyorker]

With regard to having another child, though - is there some reason why you feel pressured to have children so close together?

I'm almost 43. Its now or never. nybaby is 8 months and change.
I loved being pregnant, too. But perhaps the cons outweigh the pros? I am an only child and consider myself well adjusted. But I also see how close my SO is with his sisters. Makes me want that for nybaby.