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[zuzu_]

I see zuzu_ and thenewyorker's point about keeping work and mom life separate, but for me, that's just not possible. I probably do at least 20 hours of work a week at home; sometimes more.  My two worlds overlap all the time.

And I see your point as well. I have had recent day care disasters that necessitated me bringing my two-year-old to class and setting her up in the back of a computer lab classroom, strapped in her stroller, watching teletubbies on YouTube. But I try to make these arrangements the exception, and my spouse and I share this burden equally. For every time I bring my kid to work, my spouse has taken a half or full sick day.

Oh, I'm jealous that you can bring your kid to class. That's forbidden here; plus, I have so many students who are parents that I shudder to think about the chain reaction it would cause if I brought my kid to class. But I've often thought about how nice it would be if I could just sneak the kid into class once in a while! Do your students love it?

Oh, I hate it. And my personal policy (which I do not advertise so it has not been an issue) is that as long the child does not disrupt, s/he can stay. Oh, and it can't be on the day that we're watching Deliverance. (long story for another thread)

That particular class was a 100% male class in "technical professional" programs. They didn't know what to think. The only noise my daughter made was saying the word "YELL-OW" very loud during a pause in my lecture.

In other classes, I've just rolled the stroller in while I give my students some basic information and a independent exercise/activity. She was hamming it up, and the students just encouraged her with attention and laughter. Part of me is amused, while part of me is wrenched with anxiety. Maybe things will be different when my kids are a little older.

Our employee handbook doesn't explicitly permit it, but it does mention the campus is a family/child friendly environment. I still always hope that no one sees my kid.

[nontrad_jr]

I hear the stress and strain in all of our posts and it's great to feel like I'm "normal" in this respect.

I've used the mommy's helper ($5 an hour for the responsible 11 yr old who lives upstairs) to do the cooking for the week.  I know that money is always a question, but can you look into part time every day childcare?  That's what we did.  DS started at "school" at age 2 just in the afternoons.  I watch him in the mornings, we pay for the afternoons and DH picks him up.  I stay at work as late as I have to in order to get it all done.

I'm totally on the "tenure is forever" track so DH and I basically only see each other 1 hour a day  (9-10 PM) because he leaves the house by 7 every morning, but come June (PLEASE GOD let me get tenure and promoted so we can pay for the childcare!) hopefully, we'll be able to relax and create a more family oriented schedule.

The first year is so hard.  Hormones, life changes, breast feeding are so tough on the body and mind.  Once they're interested in their own things and you can plop them in a high chair with a muffin and a straw cup and make yourself a meal, it's just so much easier.

GL

[thenewyorker]

Regarding bringing children to school. I am permitted to bring my son to my office only. The school is not covered for liability in the classroom. I also found out that he is not  permitted in the library. I found this out the hard way and had a very hard time not breaking down and pitching a fit at the security guard.
I had a big stack of books due. I was wearing baby, holding  my purse/diaper bag and carrying a huge stack of books down the elevator, across the street, through a revolving door and then up a few flights of stairs to the library entrance. The book drop off is literally two feet from the security turnstiles (we are in NYC; we have to use scan cards to get in). I was stopped and told my son was not permitted. I noted the close proximity to the drop off. He said no. I asked if he would do it for me. He said no. I asked a young women exiting if she would just walk two feet and drop them in the slot. She looked at the security guard. He told her she could not do this for me. Finally, one of my former students walked  up and as  he was about to enter I asked him to drop them. He agreed. It was so, so stupid...I had to keep silent because I was either going to cry or scream. The thought of taking all those book back up to my office when we were all ready to go home was agonizing. Waiting for our elevators is a good ten minutes....it was more than I could bear.
ok. Sharing/vent over. Breath.

[truenorth]

Hi, sophomore TT mommy here --

please put me on the list for the google group!!

[marigolds]

I had a big stack of books due. I was wearing baby, holding  my purse/diaper bag and carrying a huge stack of books down the elevator, across the street, through a revolving door and then up a few flights of stairs to the library entrance. The book drop off is literally two feet from the security turnstiles (we are in NYC; we have to use scan cards to get in). I was stopped and told my son was not permitted. I noted the close proximity to the drop off. He said no. I asked if he would do it for me. He said no. I asked a young women exiting if she would just walk two feet and drop them in the slot. She looked at the security guard. He told her she could not do this for me. Finally, one of my former students walked  up and as  he was about to enter I asked him to drop them. He agreed. It was so, so stupid...I had to keep silent because I was either going to cry or scream. The thought of taking all those book back up to my office when we were all ready to go home was agonizing. Waiting for our elevators is a good ten minutes....it was more than I could bear.

What a dick.  I'm sorry that happened to you.  Why the hell couldn't he let the exiting student drop them in for you?  Jeez.  Talk about somebody not taking a second to be a human being!

[thenewyorker]

I had a big stack of books due. I was wearing baby, holding  my purse/diaper bag and carrying a huge stack of books down the elevator, across the street, through a revolving door and then up a few flights of stairs to the library entrance. The book drop off is literally two feet from the security turnstiles (we are in NYC; we have to use scan cards to get in). I was stopped and told my son was not permitted. I noted the close proximity to the drop off. He said no. I asked if he would do it for me. He said no. I asked a young women exiting if she would just walk two feet and drop them in the slot. She looked at the security guard. He told her she could not do this for me. Finally, one of my former students walked  up and as  he was about to enter I asked him to drop them. He agreed. It was so, so stupid...I had to keep silent because I was either going to cry or scream. The thought of taking all those book back up to my office when we were all ready to go home was agonizing. Waiting for our elevators is a good ten minutes....it was more than I could bear.

What a dick.  I'm sorry that happened to you.  Why the hell couldn't he let the exiting student drop them in for you?  Jeez.  Talk about somebody not taking a second to be a human being!

Thanks. I was also pissed at her. Why did she think she had to ask the permission of a rent-a-cop to help someone?

[niceday]

Aargh! Help!

I stopped by my kid's daycare an hour early. Normally, I leave him around 12-1p and pick him up at 5p three days of the week at this nearby family care by a person who appears to be caring and considerate. She is struggling financially as most such places seem to be.

So, I enter and she's talking to this three year old and his parent. Apparently, some big issue about the kid pushing others around, parent getting mad at the daycare provider ("Sarah"), blah, blah. I ask where my kid is and am told he's sleeping downstairs. The real daycare area is downstairs but the kids sometimes hang out upstairs. There are two other kids aged two hanging out upstairs.

I go down and find my kid crying in a crib, face down, all scratched up and bleeding. I think he woke up, cried, did not get pick up, got frustrated, cried more, scratched himself, tried to climb out, failed, and got exhausted and was there struggling on his belly, crying. The scratches are minor but generated enough blood to freak me out and then freak Sarah out.

I remained calm enough to walk out with the kid. I did not yell or make a scene but said that this was unacceptable. She said that she really had to talk with this kid's parent and had heard the baby but was just about to go down as soon as she finished talking to the kid. She apologized to me a million times and we are scheduled to sit down and talk later tonight. She lives basically next door.

My options:

1- Pull the kid out and make do with a patchwork of care. I usually need to be gone three afternoons a week to teach so I need someone to sit along with the kid. Sarah is the only person I've left him alone with. The rest of my care is mother's helpers who play with the kid while I work.

2- Pull the kid and put him in a spot I found (this afternoon, I started looking immediately) in a local, solid daycare. It is VERY expensive. They don't take part-time and I would not put him there full time. He's just not at the age he gets anything out of peer interaction but happily plays with mother's helper ("Jenny") who comes two afternoons a week and another one will soon start helping me out a bit during the weekend.

3- Keep him there with some conditions... But what would these be?

I do think this is a genuinely caring person. I think most of the time she can handle two two year olds, one three year old, and my nine month old kid fine. My kid goes in the afternoon when the two year olds have their nap (this is done this way on purpose). But  today showed me that once in a while, there is a situation during which there needs to be two adults. It may be rare, but it happens.

Before I left, She talked about getting a monitor, moving his bed upstairs, making sure to be on the same floor as him... I will go talk to him at length in a little bit.

I'm upset and confused. I was hoping that he could stay here a few afternoons a week until he turned two after which I have a lot more options and would feel more comfortable leaving him somewhere else for close to full time. I don't know how good I'll feel about leaving him alone with a babysitter at my house either. (But, I guess that will be a one-to-one scenario).

Should I just pull him out? Can patchwork care work? Should I just bankrupt myself and pay for full-time care at an institution and not place him there full time?

His dad is graduating this semester and can either pick up a lot more child care duties (if he does not immediately find a job) or we'll have somewhat more money. Money is a consideration as whatever I overspend now means future deficits which will affect what I can afford for his preschool. (I've picked out a great preschool available at my college that is expensive but wonderful -- accepts children over three).

What do I say to Sarah? What could she say to me that would consider me to leave him there?

Did I say aaargh.

[marginalia]

Niceday, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I had a very similar situation and opted to leave my kid in the daycare. A couple of months later I found out accidentally that my kid was routinely neglected. I would have been wise to just pull him, and I advise you to learn from my experience and pull him. As for "what do I say to Sarah" - let's see, she left your little boy to cry and engage in self-injurious behavior unmonitored. You don't owe her any explanation. You can email her or call to shortly say that you will not be continuing with her daycare. Any temporary situation is better than risking your child's well-being with a caregiver who heard the baby cry but chose to talk to the parent instead - that is appalling and unacceptable. A grownup can wait. A baby cannot.
I am sorry I sound harsh, but unfortunately my experience came at a steep price. You're welcome to PM me. Hang in there.

[solala]

Definitely take him out. I don't even want to think about how long she left your son by himself that he would scratch himself bloody. Also, she probably did not expect you early and thought she could just leave him on his own. I had my child in a family daycare and something never felt quite right about it. I never saw any obvious neglect or my kid getting hurt, but it just did not seem right. So I ultimately moved her to a daycare (picking the one where people seemed genuinely nice and interested in the kid rather than at some places where they did not even looking at her) and she is much happier. In your situation, you can probably figure out something short term until your partner is able to take over. But again, I really don't think you should send your child back there, not even once. And no, you don't owe this person anything. You're paying her to do a job, which she has clearly failed to do.

[dr_alcott]

niceday, I think you need to go with those maternal instincts, and it sounds to me like your instincts are telling you to get your baby out of there. On the other hand, my son was known to scratch himself, draw blood, and barely fuss; I know, because it happened when I was home with him. I felt terrible about not noticing a jagged fingernail.

FWIW, I once had a bad experience at my kids' daycare, but it turned out to be an isolated experience--a human lapse from a wonderful woman who'd cared for dozens of babies and had already proven her record with me. (Long story short: baby wasn't feeling well; she didn't give him his afternoon bottles because he was so quiet and sleepy; I got there and he was famished and seemed slightly dehydrated (which is why he was so quiet and sleepy). I was angry and very concerned. I thought about yanking my baby out of there, but had NO other options. After a couple talks with the primary caregiver there, I felt reassured that it was isolated and that it would never happen again. And it didn't. He thrived there. I still don't feel good about what happened that day, obviously, but I'm glad I kept him he was otherwise doing very, very well.)

I am not trying to minimize what happened to your son--if he was crying a lot and the caregiver crassly ignored him in order to deal with a parent, that's terrible. But if the baby was crying just for a minute and stopped before she got to him, that seems different to me. You say that the scratches were minor. And now that this has happened, she will probably be extra attentive to your baby.

In other words, is it clear to you that she was being neglectful? If so, yank him. If not, and if you don't have clear alternatives, you would not be a bad parent for considering what's best for you and your family. I'm a big believer in those maternal instincts, though, and it sounds like yours are telling you to get him out.

How do you feel about it all today, now that you've had some time to sort it out?

[zuzu_]

I think what you need to ask yourself re: the caregiver is, "Could I have easily made this same mistake myself? If I were juggling multiple responsibilities, could this easliy have happened to me?" I don't think this offense is in and of itself is all that egregious. Kids scratch themselves. They cry in their cribs for a little while when the the parent has to tend to another kid. (And I speak as someone who has posted here with major daycare anxiety issues.)

If you feel otherwise good about this woman, I say you give her another chance.

And this may be just me, but I've found that more often than not, my "maternal instincts" are just my own anxiety issue.

[niceday]

I really appreciate the opportunity to talk this through here. We went there with my spouse last night.

I have dropped in before at all sorts of hours and have found the kids happily playing. I do feel that she's a caring person. He is not grievously injured -- I can only see two small scratches this morning. However, one of them seemed to be near a vascular area and drew enough blood so that his face was superficially covered in blood. Scary sight! I am pretty sure this was an isolated incident. He usually does not sleep there but I had to drop him a little earlier than usual due to a meeting so he had less sleep in the morning and an earlier stay and she had his bed downstairs and she went upstairs to talk with this parent. Apparently the kid had mentioned something about guns with bullets so Sarah was concerned that the kid had access to (or the parent was displaying) guns with bullets. (Most likely scenario: kid saw stuff on television. Parent swears they don't have a gun in the house. The kid is allowed to watch a lot of television).

Sarah was in tears yesterday. She knows she screwed up. She said that she heard him cry and was going to go down in a minute. When I came in, she was clearly preoccupied talking with this parent. She kept asking us to forgive her. At some point, my spouse just said, "look, I'm not Jesus dispensing forgiveness. Just tell us what you can do to make sure this can never happen again?"

And that's really the question. I feel that this is a structural issue. There are two two year olds and one three year old along with my kid. I've done the math: a full time kid is at most $200. So, with four kids that's around 40K a year. (And my kid is part-time). That's not enough for two people. She will do this alone unless she got even more kids -- and then, no question, I wouldn't have left him in that crowded a place the first place.

She promises to get two monitors, to move his crib upstairs (he hardly sleeps there but that might change), and never, ever think I'll go down in a minute if he hears him crying. Now, I believe that she believes what she says. I believe she's not a cold-hearted person who'd neglect a kid if she could get away with it. But the math remains: four very little kids and one adult. And my kid is the odd-one out age-wise, the other three are two to three.

I have definitely changed my summer plans. I was thinking of continuing him there part-time. But I'm not teaching this summer (I actually need the money but had decided to concentrate on writing) so I can be at home and hire baby-sitters/ mother's helpers all summer. (That is more expensive than daycare but I'll just have to find a way).

I am going to go visit this local super-duper expensive daycare. They just won't do part-time. They cost $320 a week and I really feel that I can leave him there full-time yet. So, I'd end up paying for that plus care at home so at that rate I might as well look into an au-pair! I think he'd be super-safe there but I don't know about continuity of caregiver there, for example. A major attraction of a local family daycare for me was continuity of caregiver through the years. Sarah is local and will be there to drop him off for many years to come. She has kids who are now in elementary school and beyond that come to her for snow days, holidays, etc. They seem to love her.

So, short-term: undecided. I've started a search for baby-sitters. I teach until mid-May so only two and a half months to go. I do think that Sarah will be hypervigilant for a while but I have not resolved in my mind the structural issue about the kid/adult ratio.

I mean, Marginalia is totally correct. A grown-up can wait. Sarah's explanation is that the parent was rushing to leave and she really wanted to make sure that he understood that his kid had mentioned guns. She knows that she should have gone down and picked him up first. But then the parent might have taken off. So it all goes back to the too many kids for one adult question.

[dr_alcott]

And this may be just me, but I've found that more often than not, my "maternal instincts" are just my own anxiety issue.

Oh, yes. Point taken. and zuzu_ basically said what I was trying to say in my previous post.

niceday, I'm glad you're sorting this out. I just want to add that the adult:child ratio at Sarah's is as good as or better than you'll get at just about any daycare, depending on state laws. In my state, for example, the law says that there must be one adult for every four babies, but the ratio gets smaller as the kids age (e.g.one adult for every six two year olds; one for every ten four-year olds, or something like that. Don't quote me!). One difference might be that at a daycare, keeping the kids grouped together by age makes things easier to monitor, since they can do similar activities, etc.

I paid out the nose for my kids' daycare. Things were extremely tight. I feel your pain. Like you, I didn't plan to leave my kid in full-time, but as I saw how well he was doing, I did gradually lengthen my days away from him and add another day in the week, so that he ended up being there pretty close to full-time. I got more done and was able to really BE with him later. I don't regret this at all.

If you do keep your baby at Sarah's, I would definitely recommend more unscheduled pop-ins, if you can manage them. They will reassure you.

[marigolds]

Niceday,  you might try to talk to the other parent involved and find out how long the baby was crying.  If I'd been that parent, I would have said "Go get the baby, I'll wait" - I wouldn't want my own kid left crying while Sarah talked to you, and I wouldn't want your kid left crying while she talked to me.  The other parent might give you a sense of how long the baby was crying (after all, he could have scratched himself in his sleep and woken himself up crying, or something else - the other parent's perspective might help you sort through and figure out what most likely happened, which might give you a better sense about whether you feel good continuing there.)

[niceday]

What is this "maternal instinct" y'all keep talking about? I looked for the function in Excel but couldn't find it. Think I can find a Python script for it? :-)

::sigh:: I wish I had that kind of  finely-honed instinct! I'm a "pros and cons" kind of person. So, I'm now stuck in a stall pattern. I will definitely do more unscheduled visits. I will tryout local babysitters and see if I can find one or two that I can work with over long-term. I'm near a college so it is easy to find babysitters but they're all transitory -- here for a year or two, and off they graduate.

This responsibility for the helpless creature thing really is really amazing. I'm usually good at making hard decisions. I think, analyze, do. But in all such cases, I have calculated that I can live with the worst-case scenario. So different to have all this  power with this helpless little critter!

The kid wakes up once or twice in the middle of the night. He is still breast-fed and he does get hungry so I nurse him one of the times he wakes up but if he wakes up soon after the feed, he's just looking for comfort. In the past, I'd nurse him for a minute and he'd go right back to sleep. The night before, I decided to start trying to break the nurse-back-to-sleep-even-when-not-hungry habit. He's getting teeth and soon he'll be able to eat more food during the day -- and also bite! So, the other night, he gets up and eats, goes back to sleep. An hour later, he stirs again looking for the comfort-nurse. Instead of nursing, I held, stroked and tried to comfort him. Hah! He cried up a storm. So, 10 minutes into his protests, in desperation, I sang to him. He stopped his crying mid-breath, snuggled and fell promptly asleep.

Now, I have the worst singing voice in the world. I have no musical ear. I just figured out that baa-baa-black sheep is also twinkle, twinkle little star. I cannot carry a tune to save my life. People can't recognize what I'm humming unless I also say the lyrics. I am really, really bad. I enjoy music a great deal but cannot tap, hum, whistle, sing, dance, or anything that involves communicating via a tune!

So I thought that it was a fluke that he stopped crying when I started singing. Maybe he was very tired just then. So I tried it again last night. He cried when he realized he wasn't getting to nurse but again stopped immediately when I started singing to him. Snuggled, sighed, and fell asleep.

I just lied there thinking, wow. Here's the only person in the universe who finds my singing soothing (and probably who ever will unless he gets a sibling.)  And he's helpless. He doesn't even have teeth. He couldn't get up and go someplace if I just left him alone. And I'm supposed to decide if I leave him alone with Sarah, or put him in a well-controlled but corporate environment, or find somebody I never met in my life before and leave him alone in my house with her?