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[redhound]

This board has always been so helpful and supportive, so I thought I'd post and see if someone could remind me that things will get better at some point. Right now, I have a 6 month old baby (almost 7 months!) and am in my second year on the tt at a R2. Babysitting is super expensive in our area, so we have sitters here during the times I absolutely need to be in my office or am teaching (T/Th 10am-5:30pm, Mondays 2-5pm, Fridays 2-5pm). This runs us around $950 a month. I was just told our university is going on furloughs, and I will need to take 2 full days of furloughs myself. We are still expected (and required) to teach unless we file a request with the dean of our college.

 I am currently teaching 3 new course preps, which makes it 7 new course preps in 2 years. On the days that I am home with my daughter (my spouse is a staff member where I work), I stay up late into the night once she's asleep so I can get my work done. On the days I have babysitters, I'm still up really really late working. I have no time for myself, my husband, or anyone else in my life right now other than my daughter. I am exhausted because she is still waking up 2-3 times a night wanting to nurse. The minute I go to bed (usually at 2am), she's up wanting to eat.

I know I am doing a poor job in my classes because of this and I am trying not too be too hard on myself. I think poor is probably being a little harsh, but I am not performing to the best of my abilities in the classroom. I sometimes read my lecture notes, stumble while putting together a sentence, or just say stupid things. I think some of my frosh were laughing at me last week while I was trying to find the word to describe a certain historical moment during lectures. I chalk this up to pure exhaustion, because I've always been a good teacher and never had these memory lapses before. In addition, I stupidly agreed to teach a course that is outside of my field (but somewhat in the realm of my research), which requires WAY more prep than I imagined and dealing with lots of freshmen and sophomores who can't write.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Today is one of those days where I am ready to just up and quit to be a stay at home mom. I took my daughter on a very long walk outside so I could cool off. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated.

[prephd]

You have a brand new baby. Go easy on yourself. You are doing what you can and it will get better. It may take another six months, but you will start to feel normal again.

[marigolds]

Agreed. I've been through it all (but as a grad student rather than a TT prof.)

It does get better.  I didn't sleep through the night until I night-weaned him (at TWO!) and I was a zombie for most of his first year.  Once we weaned, everything went better:  I slept, he slept, AND the breastfeeding hormones that make you stupid (this is for real) left my system and I could think straight again.

I am very, very committed to nursing (we nursed until almost 3) but I think if I had another one I'd have to think hard about weaning much, much earlier.

It will get better!  I promise!  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Are there any 10-13 year old kids in your neighborhood who you could hire in the afternoons/early evenings to be a mother's helper?  I pay mine $2/hr and they play with him, take him for walks, etc so that I can work.  They're not old enough to really sit alone with him, but they can keep him out of my hair so I can do other things. 

Keep on truckin'!

[bookishone]

redhound, I feel for you, and I've been there (well, not exactly, but similar). At one point I had a three-year-old, a nine-month-old, and a husband who was working in an extremely demanding long-hours-with-weekends job, and I was teaching full time at an institution an hour and a half away while running a full-bore job search for a better position and trying to get some articles out of my dissertation, for traction on the job search.

There's no easy answer. I got sick a lot, which while it made juggling work/family difficult, was a blessing in disguise because I could allow myself to get more than 4-5 hours sleep. Those early years are tough no matter what your situation is, and especially if you are on the tenure track.

Some ideas:

Give yourself a chance to catch up on your sleep at least once a week.

See if you can find another mom who's willing to do weekly alternate playdates -- she takes your darling one Wed afternoon and you take hers the next Wed afternoon. Use that time to catch up on your work.

Treat yourself to a conference weekend occasionally -- your time to stretch your brain and just be Faculty You, without having the mental stress of juggling personae. I found that, although I felt guilty leaving my children for a conference (and still do), the weekend away refreshes my joy in thinking and writing, and I've benefited from several good career opportunities discovered through conference encounters. When I get home, I'm delighted to be back, not tired and frustrated and resentful as can otherwise happen.

Remember that over the long run, despite the long hours we all work, a tenure-track job is an almost unique combination of a high-satisfaction career (autonomy, flexible hours, mental challenge, and interesting colleagues) with the flexibility to get to your kid's 11 am drama production or take them to their Wed afternoon ballet class or stay home with them if they're sick, and to structure your summer work around your desired calendar. It's not very family friendly in some ways, certainly, but I sure am glad I don't have to work 9 to 5 for my salary. I love the flexibility in my schedule -- 5 am to 11 pm some days, but with bits carved out for other things important to me.

[On preview: marigolds' idea of a mother's helper is great! This is relatively cheap, a tremendous help, and good training for a reliable babysitter in the future].

[redhound]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice and encouragement. That is exactly what I needed today. I like the mother's helper idea a lot. We do have a couple of neighbors who have children that are responsible teens, so I will check into that. I also have a few friends in town who have older teens. I never thought of asking them if they are looking for after-school work.

bookishone - Oh my goodness, kudos to you for making it with a 3 year-old and a 9 month-old! You must have been exhausted. We were thinking of trying to conceive again because I want another child, but right now I am just to exhausted to do anything :)

I think another reason I'm so tired is that my daughter learned to crawl last week. It totally changes everything! I feel like I am constantly trying to keep up with her. She can pull herself to a sitting position from crawling as well, which she figured out this weekend. I miss the days when she would just lay on her playmat and bat at things!

Thanks again, everyone. It's good to know that others have survived these crazy years.

[nebo113]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice and encouragement. That is exactly what I needed today. I like the mother's helper idea a lot. We do have a couple of neighbors who have children that are responsible teens, so I will check into that. I also have a few friends in town who have older teens. I never thought of asking them if they are looking for after-school work.

bookishone - Oh my goodness, kudos to you for making it with a 3 year-old and a 9 month-old! You must have been exhausted. We were thinking of trying to conceive again because I want another child, but right now I am just to exhausted to do anything :)

I think another reason I'm so tired is that my daughter learned to crawl last week. It totally changes everything! I feel like I am constantly trying to keep up with her. She can pull herself to a sitting position from crawling as well, which she figured out this weekend. I miss the days when she would just lay on her playmat and bat at things!

Thanks again, everyone. It's good to know that others have survived these crazy years.

Buy those sectional baby fences that you could fit around your work area so the baby can be inside with you so you don't have to leap up from your desk to find her.

[dr_alcott]

redhound, I feel for you. I don't have any suggestions to add to the good ones that have already been made, but I just wanted to throw in another note of encouragement. I know what you mean about stumbling in the classroom because of sheer exhaustion and--as marigolds pointed out--the hormones. I have a co-worker who tells me that in Sweden, this is called "milkbrain." I still have milkbrain, and my kids are now 7 and 4!

As for stumbling in class--something everyone does--have you ever tried just being honest with your students about your fatigue? I know this would depend on the kind of students you have as well as the culture of your uni, but when my babies were little and I would stumble, I would just laugh and blame it on late nights with babies. My students laughed with me, and I think it humanized me.

Try to think of this year of course-prepping as an investment for next year, when your baby will be walking (!!).

bookishone is so right about the perks of a t-t job. It does get easier! Good luck.

[mathspice]

Yes, redhound, it does get better. I'll tell you what... before and shortly after my child was born, I was hesitant asking for help -- even from my husband (I think I get that from my mom, but that's another story). I soon realized that it was okay to ask for help. Take breaks. Get away sometimes. It's okay.

The happier you are, the happy everyone will be.

[palla]

I am sorry, redhound. It is very difficult to have a young child and a FT job - any FT job.  And teaching is one of those demanding FT jobs that you don't leave at work.  It will get better.  One day your daughter will be sleeping more and have a schedule that works better with your life. 

Mine are older now, but I remember well the days when they were young.  They are 18 months apart, so it was insane for a while, but honestly, it gets so much easier. 

[lolar2]

If she's crawling early-ish, be warned that she might walk early-ish too. I think I lost about a year's worth of productivity due to my son's learning to walk early.

[redhound]

Thanks again for all these positive responses. In addition to the 2 hour nap my daughter just took (and is continuing to take right now in her own crib!), they are making my day get better by the minute.

ccenglish - I have heard of the "milk-brain" phenomenon, and I have been pretty upfront with my students when I stumble. Our students are pretty forgiving when it comes to kids, mainly because many of them have children of their own. I work at a very rural university in a hyper-conservative state where it is not unusual to have several (sometimes numerous) undergraduates who are married, married with children, partnered with children, or single with children. I know that some of them understand.

lolar2 - I am pretty sure she will start walking early. My husband walked at 8 months. Yes, 8 months. She seems to be taking after his developmental steps because I didn't walk until 14 months!

[niceday]

Redhound, are you me? I have more publishing pressures but other than that, I'm second year tt with a nine month old who crawled at six months. Plus I'm the sole bread-winner with a spouse that is defending this semester in a lab science that requires long hours. So here's how I'm coping/struggling:

- Mother's helpers. Yup. That's half my child care. Although in my expensive area, they get $8 an hour. I drop him off a family daycare when I have to teach. Be prepared though; you will be interrupted a lot more often compared to a full-fledged sitter. Reasoning that tenure is priceless, I'm dipping into savings to hire more childcare

- Completely cordoned-off baby-proof play area. I have special gym-mats that are a nice rubbery material that absorb falls. I can put him down there and make a cup of coffee, answer the phone or sometimes, when he's in a mood to play by himself, even answer email or read an article while sitting nearby.

- Ebay toy lots. It's just too much time to try to pick appropriate toys and their preferences aren't that predictable. There are a lot of lots for sale for cheap on Ebay and baby toys are cheap to ship since they are not heavy. I throw a lot of 'em at him and keep the ones he likes and rotate them in his play area. Keeps him entertained and keeps me out of toy shops. Better time and money-wise.

- Sleep near the kid. I still have not weaned him either. Yes, he wakes up in the middle of the night but it's a quick feed and back to sleep.

I have found the time after he started crawling to be more challenging, frankly. So, good to hear from everyone that it gets better.

[thenewyorker]

Hi, mommy to an 8 month year-old here. He is also crawling all over, pulling on things and otherwise being very cute and adorable. But this makes my home time busy. I decided not to work at home unleahss necessary. But my time at work is chaotic. I am usually a pretty organized person. We started classes at the end of January. I finished my syllabus last week. Yep, last week. I have a conference on the 18th. I still need to write the paper. I am the chair of a search committee and this is taking too much of my time. Thank goodness this will come to a close at the end of March. I have the last edits on a chapter for a book due Friday. I got it today from the editor. I need to publish. I need to get my book proposal out. Its done, but needs a good editor. I don't even have time to find an editor. I feel like I am just surviving..drowning most of the time. My husband and I are in bed by 9. I am so exhausted I am also having trouble in lectures. I forgot Picasso's name the other day. I am an art historian. I forgot Picasso's name. I referred to him as that guy who collaborated with Braque. egads. I am finding that I am neglecting lunch, which is not good. And I miss my baby when I am at work. I am lucky that my mom is here through this semester because child care is almost out of our price range. We have to deal with it next fall.
ok. I could go on and on...I feel for you redhound, niceday and all the rest of us prof moms.
I belong to a googlegroup of Brooklyn moms, which has been really helpful in lots of ways. I was thinking that a googlegroup of academic moms would be so helpful since we deal with juggling in ways that other working moms don't. There is another academic mom in the Brooklyn group and she and I are trying to make time to get together. She is also tt (I'm in my second year) and I get we will have a lot to talk about.

[msparticularity]

Just one more piece to keep in mind: the "sophomore slump" is real, and is hitting a lot of us. There was a thread on this awhile back, and the bottom line is that we are all feeling tired and stupid this year. The romance of the first year on the TT has worn off, and the demands of the job and the exhaustion of the move have all caught up with us.

I hear it begins to improve again soon!

[redhound]

Niceday - I just started researching play areas over the weekend. Where did you get your foam playmat? I've seen numerous ones online and I'm not really sure which one is the "best" of the bunch. We don't have big stores in our region (i.e. no Babies R Us), so I buy everything online. And thank you SO much for the "toy lot" Ebay suggestion. That is a treasure trove I just discovered thanks to you!

thenewyorker - Man, does your life sound familiar. I am always behind. I missed a grant deadline because I was just too swamped this week to make it. I have a book chapter due this Friday. I have a book manuscript due to a publisher (I have an advance contract) in December, which I haven't even begun to work on yet....sounds like we are in a very similar boat. I would love to be a member of a googlegroup on tenure track mommying if there is one that exists. Please send me a message if someone starts one!

msparticularity - I agree that I am going through a sophomore slump. My first year was exhausting and I am way more jaded about academia than when I started this job. I'd like a year off!