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[msmicrobe]

In the past, my hubby and I actually set our wills up to have friends of ours serve as guardians. Our decision was based on the fact their kids are truly loved and given the time investment they need. We figured that trumped everything else, including less than fantastic financial management by those friends.

More recently, we've been able to change that to step-in-laws. But again, our decision was based on our kids being loved and nurtured. We have life insurance and whatever meager payouts our kids would get would go towards their care.

Remember, a legal guardian doesn't have to be they physical caregiver. A legal guardian can have someone else do the day to day care but would be the one making important decisions like who those caregivers are, what schools kids go to, etc. In your case, reener06, you might make SIL a legal guardian. But talk to your friends. Yes, it is asking a lot. But it is also saying a lot about them that you'd entrust them with your children.

I approached our friends with the situation and said they were our first preference, but we understood it was a huge decision and if they felt it was too much to take on, we wouldn't be offended or take it personally. And that was the truth. In our case, friends talked it over and agreed. Later on, we use the same approach with step-SIL and had them discuss it as a couple before giving us an answer. In turn, I had a friend ask me and hubby and I said yes.

The odds of it happening are remote. But I sleep better at night knowing there are plans in place. As a kid, I felt that comfort because my mother told me the plans and how it would be handled. I knew that there was an adult assigned to take care of me. I've done the same with my kids. I think it gives them comfort to know that if the worst happens, they'll go stay with X or live with someone X chooses to take care of them.

So ask your friends. Even a few of my neighbors around here serve as emergency daycare/school contact people for us since no family is local. We know they'd step in and handle it until extended family could get to town in the event of a real emergency. And they'll cover for us if we're delayed at work (30-40 minutes away).

Swallow your pride and ask. The worst you can get is a no, and that doesn't set you back. So ask your local friends and neighbors. You might be surprised at how many are willing to help.

[bibliologos]

This is something to ask a lawyer about.  When we drew up our wills, the lawyer suggested putting the estate into trust and having two people be the trustees, but having only one of the two people be the legal guardian of the child.  So, my sister and SO's brother would be trustees, but my sister would be guardian.  The big drawback would be if my sister and SO's brother disagreed over how the estate should be used or managed.  The law of course may vary depending on your jurisdiction.

[systeme_d_]

I am so in on the CHE retirement community.

Dear SO has no family at all, and is chronically ill, so I'm pretty darn sure I'll be completely on my own come retirement.

Like Zuzu, I'm not kidding. 

I think there are a lot of us academics who have been separated from family and friends for years upon years, and who thus have few (if any) strong connections to anyone else.

[the_honey_badger]

I am so in on the CHE retirement community.

Dear SO has no family at all, and is chronically ill, so I'm pretty darn sure I'll be completely on my own come retirement.

Like Zuzu, I'm not kidding. 

I think there are a lot of us academics who have been separated from family and friends for years upon years, and who thus have few (if any) strong connections to anyone else.

Come join our merry band!  The wine will be cheap, the conversation stimulating and the comradery genuine.
I'm serious too. I've been gone far too long and so many years when it was impossible for any of us to travel that distance with kids, ill parents, jobs and money issues----and so forth means I hardly know my siblings kids---that my closest sib died recently made that very clear.

[mountainguy]

Here's a list of university-linked retirement communities. A CHE Retirement community sounds fun, but potentially complicated. Will we admit trolls :) ????



(Not that I have to worry about this anytime soon, but it does cross my mind occasionally).

[2clueless]

I, too, have essentially no family: no living biological family, "just" Colonel Mustard, for whom I'm incredibly grateful. At this point, it looks like children are not in the cards for us, which breaks my heart. He has two living relatives (elderly mother, unmarried sister who seems unlikely to have children either). The sense of isolation is overwhelming sometimes. I can't begin to think about being older and what will happen to me. I have thought about estate planning, since I have a tiny amount of money from the sale of my parents' house, and I have no idea what to do with it if both Colonel Mustard and I die together. I comfort myself by thinking that if I'd dead, it won't be my problem! How's that for head in the sand?

I wish that I could find adopted family in my geographic area. I don't have close friends in ClueBorough (Colonel Mustard lives faraway in TTVille) and I hate that there's no one (other than Colonel Mustard) that I can trust.

[barred_owl]

The CHE Retirement Community, where old professors go to rest and administrators never darken the door! I like it.

Didn't we have a similar conversation about something like this a while ago?  Well, anyway--it is a very appealing idea (sans trolls)!  But, I hope the community will welcome some of our retired administrator friends here on the fora.  There are at least two that I could think of who would be awesome additions to the clan!

As for the other discussion on this thread, hubby and I are in reasonably good health now, although hubby has some health issues that could become quite serious in the future (and he is 12 years older than I).  My immediate worry is what we will have to do if his health takes a sudden turn for the worse in the near future.  We've come to accept that I will probably outlive him, but in that event, I'm pretty confident that I can revert to my more independent ways and thrive, at least until very old age gets the best of me (I'm a lot like my mother in that regard).

We have talked about the more distant future, mainly in terms of to whom we should bequeath whatever estate might be left when we're both gone.  At this point, given the financial independence of my nearest family member (she will retire very wealthy someday and will be able to direct a sizable inheritance to her kids and grandkids) and other dynamics, hubby and I have agreed that the bulk of what we have will probably go to his daughter who, of all of the people in our collective family, is the only one who has never asked for anything, who never complains about her circumstances, and who has, in my eyes, been the epitome of someone pulling herself up by her bootstraps.  If there is anything to bequeath, she is certainly the one who deserves to benefit from it most.  I just hope it isn't too little too late for her--she's only 8 years my junior!

[zuzu_]

Here's a list of university-linked retirement communities. A CHE Retirement community sounds fun, but potentially complicated. Will we admit trolls :) ????



(Not that I have to worry about this anytime soon, but it does cross my mind occasionally).

That list didn't include this one. (I used to adjunct at RIT.)

[galactic_hedgehog]

I'm not especially close to my siblings, but I'm on good terms with them.  My wife is closer to her brother, but his family lives on the other side of the country.  We're hoping that Hedgepiglet stays close to her cousins on boths sides. 

I have two 1st cousins and a handful of 2nd cousins with whom I have good relations (we talk occasionally and visit each other), and a bunch of the later who I never hear from.

Here's a list of university-linked retirement communities. A CHE Retirement community sounds fun, but potentially complicated. Will we admit trolls :) ????

I know someone who lives in the one in Arizona.  He and his wife like it, and he's been keeping active by working with a research group at the U of A.

[collegekidsmom]

There are a few places around that appeal to me in a way. One is a retirement community that seems full of academics, old CEOs, and the like. The place constantly has programs and trips. There are cottages, a beautiful dining room in case you don't want to cook yourself, evening stuff always going on, but you can return to your own little house if you want. They also have connected buildings, and then a full-fledged nursing home kind of thing. There is a doctor there, and everything you could want. It's probably expensive. Somehow it appeals to me that you can be part of a community at whatever level you want-out in the cottage, in the building, eating with them or cooking sometimes and inviting others in. It is walking distance to a town, and bus goes to the city or university. People who live there aren't sick, but if they get sick, there is help and you can stay in your community and your friends are around. This place is known for attracting people who are still interested in everything, but just might want to be near other people and have help if needed.

I also might move right into the middle of a small city and live right downtown in an apartment where there is a lot of stuff going on all around.

I have one friend who is totally without family. She is middle aged and has no parents, siblings, cousins, or neighbors. She is very religious so I suggested that I thought it would be great for her to think about joining a nice convent so she could live on one of the beautiful properties they have around here, and have a lot of other women around, and stay until she dies. That option would not work for me.

[tolerantly]

What you have to remember about Vonnegut is that he was a writer, much at home in the well-populated world inside his head, and in many ways more self-sufficient than most people will ever be. I'm not saying he didn't go around radiating pain, but he had resources most people don't.

There is no replacement for a family. I'm sorry to have to put it so baldly. Friends are great, but unless they're tremendously lonely and needy themselves, they aren't likely to be there for you when the chips are truly down, because they'll have family responsibilities that come first. For similar reasons, I've yet to see the church or other organization that really functions like family. The closest I've seen it come is the little band of undergrads, sometimes grad students, who are growing up together, helping each other come of age. No responsibilities there outside self, though, and even there the kids aren't usually fully responsible for themselves.

What do you do? You live with it, that's what. If you can find a spouse and make a family, that's really something, but you have to know that it's many years of putting out energy, taking care of yourself and others, before you're going to really reap family. And that's if you're lucky and everyone's sane, good, gets along, etc.

[neutralname]

Back to the OP's question, which I think is very important.

It's very hard to get friends who feel the same sense of obligation as family members.  Generally, friends have their own families, who take priority over friends.  

There are some people with very supportive and close families, but it is helpful to remember that having a family is no guarantee of support.  We are a very fragmented society, and people spend a great deal of time alone.  I recently read The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century by Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz, which was full of rather depressing data on current trends.  

Every year I make resolutions to make more of an effort to get out and meet new people, in the hope of making some new close friends.  It takes a lot of effort, and the success rate is low.  But occasionally it pays off.

[infopri]

There is no replacement for a family. I'm sorry to have to put it so baldly.

Maybe so, but some of us will just have to make do without. 

Some of you are talking about old age as if you'll still have the same physical abilities you have now--the ability to walk into town, cook for your friends, etc.

Frankly, I thought we were talking about being old--as in, infirm, unable to do many things for ourselves that we now take for granted.  I'm not worried about being able to get to the stores when I'm 65.  I'm worried about being able to simply get through the day unassisted when I'm 85.

[elsie]

That worries me too, Infopri. My dad made the choice to move to an assisted living community, and I expect that I'll do the same. His community has a lot of different social groups as well as support staff.

[cheesehead]

Everyone has written some thought-provoking comments.  So, how do we go about getting a forum about retirement issues?