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[infopri]

I have a great family.  Wish they were here.

I'm so tempted to write, My family is here.  Wish they were great.

There's a reason I haven't seen many of my relatives in years and years.

[macaroon]

It makes me wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

I have children, and a spouse.  I have very little contact with my extended family - in fact, my cousins, aunts, and uncles have forgotten who I am.  I called the family party on Christmas and was told I had a wrong number.  

My husband's nearest relative lives 700 miles away, mine 800.  My parents love my children, but they are a 4 hour plane trip away.  

Here's the thing with my kids, though - my emergency contact number for childcare is child protective services.  If my husband and I get in a fender bender on the way to daycare pickup, our children go into foster care.  My husband needed emergency surgery this summer.  They wanted to do general, but he had to do local.  If he did general, we'd be there too long and we'd lose the children.  Such a delicate house of cards.

My first grader did a lesson in school on "safety" - where the kids were supposed to find out what number they could call if they needed somebody other than their parents, and fill out this sheet about what houses they could go to for help.  Until now, I'd pretty much hidden our situation from the kids - that if anything should happen to us, they are SCROOOED.  I sent her back in with the phone number for child protective services, and that is exactly what she filled out on the sheet.  She was pretty upset about it.  I am too.  She wanted to know why someone else will take care of other kids and nobody will take care of her.  

[msparticularity]

I think about this stuff, too. While I have a bit more family that I'm relatively close to than some of you (parents, a brother and a daughter), they are all also 2,000 miles away now. We see more of our adopted son than we do any of them, since he travels a great deal and comes through from time to time (he became part of our family as an older teen, so we didn't raise him so much as fold him into our family). Most of MrP's family is no longer close. He has siblings, but aside from his younger sister (also 2,000 miles away) we're only in touch once a year or so. 

Here in our new place, I am beginning to feel closer to a few people that I work with, but it is more collegial than personal in most cases. I mean, we do chat about our lives also, but these aren't people I would call if I needed actual help and/or emotional support.
What's ironic is that I did have an incredibly close support network--a family of choice--as a young adult. We picked up each others' children from school, painted and wallpapered each others' houses, packed and moved one another, had holiday dinners together, often had dinner together at least every couple of weeks, and so on. If I had an emergency--or even just a bad day at work--I had several friends available to pick up my child for me and provide a drink, sympathy, and dinner for both of us once I got there. I was also a giant emotional mess during most of those years: in an unhappy marriage and a job I hated, depressed and anxious. When I began to recover and to grow into a sense of myself, other people were changing also and we all just grew apart.

So, yeah, I wonder a lot about what this all means, and what my life is going to look like as I continue to age.

And Macaroon, I am so sorry that you and your children have to deal with this; I think it truly is much harder when we have younger children!

[onion]

A slightly morbid question . . . has anyone given thought to whom you want to bequeath your estate to?? I'm not terribly close to either of my siblings at the moment, and the idea of them or any of their (future) children getting my estate just because there's no one else for it to go to doesn't sit well with me. Of course, a lot can change in 30-50 years' time, and it's not like I have any money to give away right now (yay, grad school debt!).

I've thought about this a bit, and as of right now, everything is going to my youngest sister.  If I were to die suddenly and soon (god forbid), I imagine that my father would help her with my affairs and she could use what little money is in my retirement fund.  However, once I get more established (and can afford a lawyer), I intend to leave my retirement and savings to a couple of charities.  But I figure it's still a few years before I'll get there.

Edwidge, thanks for the link!  That's not the exact one I'd heard of, but I love this idea of intentional communities for retired academics, artists, activists, and fellow travelers.  (Zuzu, I think you're on to something!)  It sounds like it would be a great way to pass one's "golden years."

BTR, thanks.  ;D

[alto_stratus]

I've been through times when these things weighed heavily on my mind.  I think all you can do is make friends, and hope some of them will grow to be like family.  As others have said, sometimes your friends are more reliable and supportive than family anyway.  I do have a few friends I could lean on a little like family (cousins perhaps); but doing that analysis made me realize I need to do more to protect/preventatively take care of myself as well.  The future does not concern me as much as it used to.  And yes, I have found most people to be clannish as well. 

[post_functional]

I have a great family.  Wish they were here.

I'm so tempted to write, My family is here.  Wish they were great.

Ha!  I guess everything's... heh... relative.

[infopri]

A slightly morbid question . . . has anyone given thought to whom you want to bequeath your estate to?? I'm not terribly close to either of my siblings at the moment, and the idea of them or any of their (future) children getting my estate just because there's no one else for it to go to doesn't sit well with me. Of course, a lot can change in 30-50 years' time, and it's not like I have any money to give away right now (yay, grad school debt!).

Practical, not morbid, mountainguy.

I actually have thought about this, a lot.  We have two nephews.  One is my sister's son, and the other is My Better Half's brother's son.  (Both nephews were only children.)  Both are now in their 20s and very single.  (One is gay, one is straight, and neither of them is seeing anyone.)  We plan to spend most of our money before we die, but whatever's left over (and any personal property and real estate we have) will probably go to them, even though we're not very close to either of them.  (They're both good kids, but live far away, so there are limited opportunities to spend time with them.)  MBH's money and possessions will go to his brother's son, and mine will go to my sister's son.  I'm not sure who'll get the real estate.

I'm also reaching an age where I have to think twice before acquiring new dogs or, especially, cats.  I don't want to spend my last years without a pet, but I also don't want to worry about what will happen to them if they outlive me.  (There's absolutely no way our siblings or nephews would take them.)  If I don't get hit by a bus (or whatever), I expect to outlive all my current pets, but with every passing year it gets dicier when it comes to a new (young) critter.

This thread is particularly interesting because I think our responses reflect not only our family situations, etc., but also our respective stages of life.  I'm in my early 50s and MBH is in his mid-60s, so that day down the road is a little closer for us than for some of you.  It's unlikely that either of us have another 50 years in us, and very possibly not another 30.  Maybe not even another 10 (although I'm certainly hoping we've still got another couple of decades in us).  So, yeah, I do think about these things--but I don't obsess over them.

[mountainguy]

My closest colleague just left academia altogether after six years single here. It was miserably hard and he decided that a library staff job at Old Alma Mater U was preferable to decades here in an area very unfriendly to gays and with a very limited pool of potential partners. I miss him, but I don't blame him.  I think that this is all more common than not when you "go where the job is" you often can't sublimate the personal loneliness with activities that not only meet other emotional needs but bring you in contact with a community of like minded people.  

Chime with BTR, especially on the last sentence. I think this is a common concern of many people in academia, especially those who stand out as "other" in some regard. The connections we make now can shape our lives in the future, and thus it's important to take these issue into consideration. As a gay man, I'd rather take an undesirable job in a progressive area than a desirable job in the middle of nowhere.

[melba_frilkins]

Onion, I'm sorry you had such a s***ty week. Is this what you were thinking of, in terms of a retirement community for women who are activists, artists, and former faculty?

http://www.nytimes.com/2000/08/24/garden/generations-raising-more-than-consciousness-now.html?scp=3&sq=retirement%20home%20for%20activists&st=nyt&pagewanted=1

There's also one in Southern California. I watched a documentary about it...but can't find it again. (Netflix search engine really sucks.).

Some Quaker retirement communities might fit the bill. Take a look at this listing.

If I can't get the right community to live in, I will just be all alone in my home. That's fine. You all will be my social interaction and I'll have a robot to help with the practical things.

[elsie]

This is an issue that has often had me in tears lately, as I struggle with my health issues. My family consists of an elderly father and an older brother, both of whom live hundreds of miles apart from me. I'm very lonely. Marriage is seeming very unlikely, and I know I won't have children. I don't know what to do. It always feels like an imposition to call on friends to help me out with post-surgery type things, especially as all of my friends do have partners and/or children with a greater claim on their time.

[larryc]

The CHE Retirement Community, where old professors go to rest and administrators never darken the door! I like it.

[alto_stratus]

FWIW, I wouldn't consider it an imposition on my time to care for a friend who needs help.  I know what you mean about friends with partners/kids being somewhat distracted from the friendship sometimes, but I don't think you should feel bad asking.  

[bio_postdoc]

I've found myself worrying about these issues lately, too, now that my spouse and I are settled 3000 miles away from my extended family.  It's fine for now--we have each other, and my parents-in-law (who are wonderful people) live nearby, but I do wonder what will happen a few decades down the road--will I end up all alone out here?  I also miss having the big, close, extended family nearby--twice a year visits supplemented with phone calls, email, and Facebook are all fine and well, but not the same as frequent get-togethers.  I think I'll have to make it a priority to cultivate local friendships that can, to some extent, substitute for extended family--we have some good friends nearby, but really need to spend more time with them.

[charybdis]

OP, thank you for the courage in starting this thread. It is an issue which weighs heavily on my mind and highlights my struggle with loneliness.  No advice, just know that others are in the same boat.

[reener06]

Related to this, I think--I worry about who to leave my kid to if something happens to both of us, god forbid. None of my siblings qualifies in our minds. They are either in the midst of an emotional mess, on drugs, or in the throes of evangelism. My parents are too old & they are dying. My in-laws are young, but dear god, I can't stand them. They would move hard and fast to take child if something happened to us, and they have the money too. They also have lots of anxieties and would mess up my kid. Sister-in-law is one possibility, but she and her spouse are poor musicians and need to have my in-laws help them out to make rent. There wouldn't be much in our estates to help her out. I'd rather leave her with good friends, but that is asking a lot. It doesn't quite keep me up at night, but I do worry about it.