next »

[ms210]

I'm hoping someone whose been there or knows the field can help. Our school phobic daughter has been seeing a traditional psychiatrist for about 5 months-- my daughter doesn't really like her, doesn't open up etc.  I wondered aloud to the therapist about whether it would be better to find a different one, asked if personality etc mattered. She was adamant that it didn't matter but my husband and I are feeling frustrated with this. Any advice is most most welcome.  (my daughter is 11, bright, and very resistant to the whole therapy notion) thanks

[alto_stratus]

I think it absolutely is important that your daughter feel a "connection" of some sort with her therapist, one that allows her to trust and open up to him/her.  It could be that she's against therapy, but it could also be that she just hasn't had a therapy session that works for her yet.  It's worth a try with another therapist.

[msparticularity]

My daughter saw a therapist on and off at a couple of rough points in her life--right after my divorce, and again in early middle school when things were very bad. She was resistant to therapy on some levels, but at the same time she liked the therapist all right and was willing to talk to her at least some. We ended up homeschooling her for most of 7th grade, too, because I became convinced the school really was too toxic for her to cope with when she was struggling with depression anyway. The therapist we saw was an MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) and specialized in children--she did art therapy and a variety of other modalities--which was the other reason we all liked her, I think.

So, a couple of questions: Are you having your daughter see a psychiatrist for medication management along with therapy? Has your daughter actually said she doesn't like/trust her, or is that your best judgment based upon what you're seeing? What kinds of therapeutic approach does she take? Is it a good match for your daughter's personality and needs?

And I'd be a little worried, too, if a therapist whose patient didn't like her kept insisting that there was no problem!

[oldadjunct]

There is no problem, for the therapist, so long as the checks keep coming in.  Five months sounds like a long time to wait for a meaningful connection to spark, regardless of your daughter's initial resistance.

[kedves]

Yes, keep looking.  Best wishes.

[shrek]

What about a clinical psych someone who uses cognitive behavioral therapy?

[collegekidsmom]

Do you know why she is school phobic? She is 11 and bright-is the school the right place for her?

[ms210]

Thanks for all the responses--
The school phobia came out of the blue-- she was at the same school the previous year. The school, although can be an organzized chaos and has kids in different groupings and schedules throughout the day. I've since realized that although she outwardly adapted last year this was too much for her
But we've had major stresses in our family; our older daughter who has significant physical disabilities was hospitalized with critical infection and the younger held much in. I think some of the resistance to school is her need to take some control, have our full attention but also out of her very real fears about illness and such.

I guess we think/ thought the initial therapist was very insightful about what was going on and the medication has helped. But I am leaning towards the clinical behavior therapy too now.

[msparticularity]

I think some of the resistance to school is her need to take some control, have our full attention but also out of her very real fears about illness and such.

I'd like to throw a suggestion for reframing these issues out there for your consideration. I'm wondering if this is far less about any need to take control, than it is about being all coped out. There is some good recent research out there about coping skills, and the fact that for most of us they really are finite; that is, they can be expanded over time, but we all really do have limits. Given what you've said about your family's difficult times, your daughter probably did have a huge amount to cope with. Her school, from your description, is clearly quite chaotic. I'm thinking perhaps she's just all out of coping skills right now.

[august_leo]

Is there another school she can attend? Even if she starts going back to school, the other kids might be really mean about her being absent and tease her, which can be really, really damaging to self-esteem and have big effects. They could find out about therapy and call her "crazy," they could make the connection to your other daughter and call the younger one something about being sick or also have those problems. Maybe that was even what was going on when the school phobia came "out of the blue." How long has she been out of school?

I moved to a new country in the EU (from the US) in 8th grade. I didn't speak the language of the country and my parents thought I would "pick it up." I was incredibly depressed. After the first 1-2 weeks the other kids hardly talked to me because it wasn't fun to use their English anymore and it was a chore to translate. Plus, it turned out that the school kind of sucked. I took a break from school, learned some of the language and then went back to a different school. It made all the difference. I started making friends, liking my classes and learning again.

I also agree that you should find a new therapist (the comment about "there is no problem if the therapist keeps getting paid" were exactly my first thought). However, in addition to that, I think you should change schools. Have you asked your daughter if she would like to attend a different school?

[hestia]

Building on the idea that your daughter might have run out of coping skills, and given that moving to a new school also requires significant coping skills, what about a break from school?  Homeschooling for a few months (or years) can really help in situations like this.

[mdwlark]

I know that they use home schooling frequently, but it is prescribing the problem and it means the school doesn't have to worry about the child anymore, so they like that approach.  It works well for kids with physical illness, but a lot of the school phobic kids who go into at-home schooling end up remaining there to finish school (if they finish) or transition into an alternative school or self-contained special education program.  Sometimes that is the only solution and I'm an advocate of alternative schools, but initially your goal should be to get your daughter functioning back in a normal school program.  

Is your daughter attending school now?  If not, I recommend a therapist who will work with you and your husband along with your daughter.  A behavioral approach means focusing on changing behavior rather than "how do you feel this week."  You and your spouse can be very important in that kind of a solution.  Your daughter should be present during the times the therapist works with you so that she doesn't feel kept in the dark or betrayed, so she knows what is being said.  Some older research showed that in a two parent household (or if the child has two functional parents) getting dad to take the kid to school seems to help (kid of either or any gender).  

With a sudden onset in an older child, I would wonder if something has happened--sexual abuse, a bully, kids or a teacher who were demeaning to her, being rejected by a junior boyfriend.  This is the age of mean girls too and they can gang up on an isolated child.  Sometimes a family problem leaves a child afraid to leave home because she thinks she needs to keep track of family to feel safe.  If it is a chaotic classroom, is there a more orderly classroom she can move to?  In any of those situations, you and your spouse need to be involved.  

<on edit>  And yes, your daughter needs to have a trusting connection to the therapist.  Therapy really should be fun or at least rewarding.

[frogfactory]

I'm not a parent, obviously, but it's shocking to me how frequently Americans recommend home schooling.  Surely an online school is 100% always a better option (unless you're a religious fundamentalist and don't want your kids exposed to things like facts and independent thinking)?

I know of one that is fully official and provides British education and qualifications to GCSE (age 16), which may expand to A levels (age 18) in the near future.  Students are kids who can't attend a bricks and mortar school for a variety of reasons, from bullying and confidence issues to children of ex-pats in military families that travel a lot.  There are some pupils who are in the US whose parents wanted a UK standard of education for their kids.  Lessons are basically conference calls with a chatroom and powerpoint.  Pupils have done extremely well in this system, and a number have built up their confidence enough to return to a physical school.

There are bound to be similar schools in the US, but PM me if you'd like more information on this.

[sweetcider]

I'm not a parent, obviously, but it's shocking to me how frequently Americans recommend home schooling.  Surely an online school is 100% always a better option (unless you're a religious fundamentalist and don't want your kids exposed to things like facts and independent thinking)?

Why do you think this?  I have mixed feelings about homeschooling, but I can imagine situations where it's a good option.

[frogfactory]

I'm not a parent, obviously, but it's shocking to me how frequently Americans recommend home schooling.  Surely an online school is 100% always a better option (unless you're a religious fundamentalist and don't want your kids exposed to things like facts and independent thinking)?

Why do you think this?  I have mixed feelings about homeschooling, but I can imagine situations where it's a good option.

Because 50% of the purpose of attending school is education; the other 50% is social development.  The only excuse for homeschooling I can see is shielding your kids from the world.  Which is no excuse at all. And no parent is qualified to provide a full education in all of the requisite areas to their kids.