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[sweetpotato]

I posted this thread some time ago about a professor I`ve had for many years:
 
http://chronicle.com/forums/index.php/topic,64747.0.html

Essentially, I had a crush on him for a long time. I think it was pretty obvious though I never acted on it (no love letters or sappy emails for example). I asked him for a reference for graduate school. Reference written.

This is my last semester and I decided to do an independent study with him because I didn`t want to take courses out of my major and there weren`t that many left that were interesting and I hadn`t taken already. I`ve met him thrice to discuss it and have exchanged many emails and maybe I`m so in love with him that I`m imagining things, but my god, he seems more informal and more personal. I don`t think I`m that charming in looks or personality that he has suddenly taken an interest in me, so I`m a bit wary (I don`t want to imagine things and get hurt). He`s married, I`m in a non-serious relationship (I am leaving this place to go elsewhere for grad school so it`s not serious). What does his increased informality mean? The terrible thing is that now that I am seeing a much more personal side of him, I like him more than ever.

[svenc]

... he seems more informal and more personal. I don`t think I`m that charming in looks or personality that he has suddenly taken an interest in me, so I`m a bit wary (I don`t want to imagine things and get hurt).

There is nothing more alluring than the scent of availability.

[sweetpotato]

I thought there was nothing more alluring than the scent of UN-availability (hence women`s rags telling us to pretend distance and not to reveal too much eagerness).

[hegemony]

I think it means that you'd better be very cautious and get ahold of your emotions.

Studying with a professor one-on-one often means that things are more informal.  If he is not interested in you romantically, you risk reading the wrong message into his informality.  It will be hard for you to judge how to act normally, since you'll be so hopeful and lovestruck.  You may gush.  You may say the wrong thing.  You may flirt alternating with being self-consciously cool.  It will make things awkward in the short term, and in the future you will look back on this period with mortified humiliation.

If he is interested in you romantically, God forbid, all hell will break loose.  It will mean that he is a serial opportunist and a sleazeball and an adulterer who watches out for vulnerable students and convinces them it's True Love and takes advantage.  You won't see this, not knowing his history, and feeling the effects of his practiced charm.  You'll think, "He recognizes my specialness, and what we have is precious and unique and shouldn't be subject to the rules of bureaucrats."  In ten years you will look back and feel mortified.  It will also not end well: you will go off to grad school and try to keep in touch and he will eventually have to brush you off brusquely and humiliatingly.  Furthermore, despite the specialness of your romance, he will be breaking the university rules and could get in a massive amount of trouble, perhaps including losing his job.  

I suspect you had hopes of some kind of greater attachment when you devised the independent project -- ?

So step up your efforts to think about your project objectively.  Either put renewed effort into your own relationship or find someone available who offers the same sense of excitement and happiness that this guy does.  (I know, "No one ever could."  This is not true.)  Watch out; you are on dangerous ground.

[spectacle]

Studying with a professor one-on-one often means that things are more informal.

Yes - this.  When I first started working on independent studies as an undergrad I was very confused by the sudden shift in professor-student relationships.  Once someone sees you as serious enough for an independent study, they start to treat you more as a potential graduate student (and eventual peer.  Please note my emphasis, though). 

It can be jarring at first, but that's all this is. 

He's married.  He's almost certainly not interested in you romantically. If he is, it's serious trouble for everyone all around. 

If you cannot treat this as an educational opportunity - and nothing more than that - you need to cancel the independent study so that you don't embarrass yourself royally. 

This is kindly meant advice, I assure you. 

[sweetpotato]

Thanks hegemony - that is a wise and sobering reminder and I might just print it out and hang it above my desk. Despite haunting his office hours in the past I`ve heeded such advice as much as my fickle and immature heart would allow (like pining away silently over long summer months and not making any effort to contact him, not taking every class he taught but ones that I needed and had an interest in, not emailing him unless I had a valid course-related reason).

No, the independent study wasn`t initated with hopes of starting something with him. I`ve been taking classes with him for many years and if I had wanted to start something, I would have made aggressive efforts earlier when I was more immature and didn`t realize the things you mentioned. And to be honest while I dream about doing naughty things to him, I couldn`t do it in actuality, not because he`s a professor and I a student but because he`s married.

I`m not sure I`m strong enough to stop the constant smiling, beaming, unstoppable-looking-at-him that happens whenever I`m around him but I`ll try to remember that his informality means nothing (and thanks, smithfieldmuse).

[ptarmigan]

When you are with this professor, keep things cool and non-flirtatious on your end.  Anti-flirt, if you know what I mean.  Don't make long eye contact, touch him, laugh too much at his jokes, make risque jokes of your own, etc.  If he intends to make a move on you, then he can, in which case I totally agree with hegemony's post above, but how you respond is up to you.  Your job is not to encourage him to behave unprofessionally and not to embarrass yourself if his intentions are only professorial.

I say this as a person who has had crushes on many professors, and never had anything inappropriate result.

[jaws2006]

He's married.  He's almost certainly not interested in you romantically. If he is, it's serious trouble for everyone all around. 

Stay away from trouble girl!

[larryc]

He`s married...

If you pursue him, you are a bad person. If he pursues you, he is a bad person. If you get together, you are bad people.

Back off. Keep it professional, even distant. Police your thoughts and move on.

[chicklet]

I agree with LarryC. And if you have even a scintilla of a notion that you might not be able to conduct yourself with utmost professionalism, get a new prof for your independent study.

[bud04]

listen to Larryc. Do. Not. Make. Moves. On. Your. Professor. He. Is. Not. Interested. In. You.

Trust me. Years from now you will be happy that you did not act like a fool with him. 

[sweetpotato]

Yes, LarryC, as I mentioned above, the married status (and not the professor-student aspect) is exactly why I haven`t done anything majorly stupid over the past few years of knowing him - I`ve seen his wife a few times and I don`t see the sense in hurting her.

[sweetpotato]

Sorry for double-posting, but I realized that I did not express my concern properly in my original post and thus it hasn`t really been addressed in the responses. I know I am not to tempt him or pursue him and all the reasons for not doing so, and in fact I have not in the past in an overly objectionable manner (aside from talking to him a LOT). I want to know how to respond now that he`s suddenly more personal and informal. To reiterate: not just informal but more personal. My way of acting with him over the years has not changed but his way of acting toward me has changed. I`m not sure how I and if I should change my behavior.

[bud04]

It is not just hurting his wife that I am warning you about for your future--though that is important. You also don't want to hurt him either if you really respect him as your Professor.

However, in the long run, you don't want to hurt yourself by getting involved with a married man. Nothing good ever comes of messing with other people's husbands or wives. You will be sorry in the future and want to look back and say to yourself WTF was I thinking! So back off slowly.....    

[t_r_b]

My way of acting with him over the years has not changed but his way of acting toward me has changed. I`m not sure how I and if I should change my behavior.

No, you should not. Take care of yourself, and stop worrying about what's going on inside his head. For one thing, whatever hypotheses you come up with will almost certainly be wrong. For another, even if you could determine what is going on inside his head, it wouldn't matter. You need to take care of yourself regardless. And in this case, that means keeping everything strictly professional.