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[jabber12]

I've seen a couple topics on here that talk about how friend circles can change over time once people start grad school.  For me, the interest I have in my field has a lot to do with social issues -- structural inequality, gender/race/class, etc.  Although folks on this forum have said that they just try to keep their friend groups apart, has anyone experienced something of an ideological dilemma with existing friendships?  I worry that the longer I stay in this field the more passionate and opinionated I will become, and studying these issues will make it even harder to maintain friendships with people that don't "get it."

Anyone ever been through anything like this before?

[voxprincipalis]

I worry that the longer I stay in this field the more passionate and opinionated I will become, and studying these issues will make it even harder to maintain friendships with people that don't "get it."

If by "get it," you mean "think the same way you do," then yes, you are likely to run into trouble.

You don't have to talk about those subjects with everyone, you know. If you keep bringing the issue up and testing people on whether or not they are as enlightened as you are, then there will be difficulties.

I have some pretty strong opinions about music, since it's my area of study. I don't discuss music with my friends who don't have the same training, experience, or taste as I do. (Note: not worse, just different.) There are plenty of other things to talk about. On a separate level, I do enjoy talking about music with people who are fellow acorns from the same tree -- but there is no guarantee that I'd enjoy talking to them about things other than music.

One always censors oneself in some way or another in relationships. You will need to decide how important it is to you for your friends to have comparable positions on these issues. Perhaps your friendships will evolve; perhaps you will lose friends; perhaps you will gain new friends.

VP

[minorleaguer]

If by "get it," you mean "think the same way you do," then yes, you are likely to run into trouble.

[/quote]

Agree.  This happened a LOT for a few people in my first year or two of graduate school.  People tested each other over drinks, in seminar, in the lounge, etc.  It got really tiring.  My cohort eventually got over this but the first couple of years were filled with these annoying interactions.

[hyperbole]

I don't intend this to be snarky at all, but if by "ideological" you are referring to that strain of ideology a la Marx or Althusser--and I think you are-- then realizing that your own sense of having "gotten it" is also ideology---a regime of affect that may work to ensure the very inequities you'd like to correct---may help you to continue to feel a sense of kinship with others. They are not on the other side of a binary as you, but are merely on another level of ideological complicity as you.

[jabber12]

I don't intend this to be snarky at all, but if by "ideological" you are referring to that strain of ideology a la Marx or Althusser--and I think you are-- then realizing that your own sense of having "gotten it" is also ideology---a regime of affect that may work to ensure the very inequities you'd like to correct---may help you to continue to feel a sense of kinship with others. They are not on the other side of a binary as you, but are merely on another level of ideological complicity as you.

this is helpful.  i guess i was thinking of something more like, i now have a feminist mindset about things, and old friends really don't.  like, i'm plunging into academia, and they're knee-deep in the uber capitalist corporate world.  i guess i just need to grow up and learn to value different things from different people.

[larryc]

Lots of grad students become insufferable, most get over it. Though every department has one person who never did. You seem to have the self-awareness to keep this stage to a minimum. 

(And the shift key is your friend and ours.)

[prytania3]

I don't intend this to be snarky at all, but if by "ideological" you are referring to that strain of ideology a la Marx or Althusser--and I think you are-- then realizing that your own sense of having "gotten it" is also ideology---a regime of affect that may work to ensure the very inequities you'd like to correct---may help you to continue to feel a sense of kinship with others. They are not on the other side of a binary as you, but are merely on another level of ideological complicity as you.

this is helpful.  i guess i was thinking of something more like, i now have a feminist mindset about things, and old friends really don't.  like, i'm plunging into academia, and they're knee-deep in the uber capitalist corporate world.  i guess i just need to grow up and learn to value different things from different people.

They aren't feminists but have plunged into the uber capitalist corporate world? You mean, instead of running their mouths about being feminists they are making lots of money and good investments so they can support themselves and a cast of thousands? How backwards is that? Right up there with barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

It would behoove you to be nice to these people and not be an ideological blowhard because you may have to borrow some cash from them someday.

[imawakenow]

i guess i just need to grow up and learn to value different things from different people.

Yes.

[kedves]

Where do ethics come into it?  If they don't share your ideologies, they don't deserve to be your friends?  If you continue thinking that way, you are not going to have as much agency as you think you will.  Other people get to decide if they want to become or to continue to be your friends--including fellow grad students who might share your views but not want to talk about them all the time.  It's a two-way street.

It's not an approach I take, but I know plenty of academics who do so.  Your world will become smaller, in every way.

[punchnpie]

you mean, instead of running their mouths about being feminists they are making lots of money and good investments so they can support themselves and a cast of thousands? How backwards is that? Right up there with barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

Amen. OP, please don't teach any women or minorities when you finish your degree. There are enough poor women and minorities already. They don't need to stay poor listening to your elitist, academic garbage if they make it to college.

OP, do you realize how you sound? I don't think you'll need to worry about staying friends with people who don't share your ideological leanings; they won't want to be around you.

[jabber12]

Yes, thanks to the quick feedback, I do realize how silly I sound.  Though, I think making a statement about how I shouldn't teach minorities is also quite silly!  Thanks for the helpful thoughts, everyone.

[punchnpie]

think making a statement about how I shouldn't teach minorities is also quite silly! 

Think about it again. Think about your assumptions and biases. Also, I hope you never have to seek funding from some corporation or gee, from the taxpayers who work for corporations and may end up funding you through government grants or tax support of your university.

[bread_pirate_naan]

Lots of grad students become insufferable, most get over it. Though every department has one person who never did. You seem to have the self-awareness to keep this stage to a minimum. 

Yes.

I worry that the longer I stay in this field the more passionate and opinionated I will become, and studying these issues will make it even harder to maintain friendships with people that don't "get it."

Anyone ever been through anything like this before?

People whose academic training robs them or prevents the acquisition of basic social skills are many.  Don't worry.  It will be easier for you to commit to never getting a clue about how to affect change.

[jabber12]

Well, this thread has helped me realize that I definitely do need to question my assumptions and biases.  Capacity for change.  Again, thanks to those of you who have offered feedback constructively.

[bread_pirate_naan]

As long as you understand the people you may be labeling unconstructive are those who experience structural inequality along multiple axes.