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[der_gadfly]

Our eldest gad_child is thinking about grad school. Of course, since both of us have grad degrees, we are naturally the sounding board for the essays.... so far, 5 grad programs are 'close', but the essays still fall short of our standards.

So, do we resign ourselves to helping with the essays, or resign ourselves to having an unemployed college grad around next year, mooching off of us?

[wet_blanket]

My first response, recalling my own application, was "NoFairNoFairNoFair!"  On further reflection, everbody gets as much input from those around them as they can, including and professors they know. 

Realistically, this isn't the first time your child's educational career will benefit from your and your spouse's career, though perhaps this may be the most overt.  If you're looking for an easy place to draw the line, may I suggest you don't contribute more than you would be comfortable for a piece of course work.

Something else to think about though, and I'm honestly not trying to insult your child: if s/he can't get in on his/her own merits, then his/her experience in the program may be tainted by being one of the weaker members of his/her cohort.

[collegekidsmom]

I would not help my children at all with the essays. If grad school doesn't work out right now, then working for a while might be really beneficial. Is grad school really what your grown up child wants to pursue? When you say "unemployed" and "mooching," it makes me wonder whether you really have motives for wanting grad school to be the answer right now for other reasons.

[saguaro]

Why would you not help them out? This is not a normal writing project. Grad essays can be bizarre and counter-intuitive. I don't see how anyone can be expected to know what to write. They are finely-honed bulls***, which not everyone can write. A psych professor friend of mine said he immediately throws away any applications that say "I was drawn to psychology at an early age when ..." A normal person would say "Oh, good. This person has a deep interest in the subject. Let's see how his grades are." An admissions person would throw it out. WTF? Give them all the help you can.

[tinyzombie]

Give them all the help you can.

No.

You don't say what discipline your child is hoping to enter, but if s/he cannot come up with a coherent, well-written piece on why they want to be a part of it and what they hope to contribute, than I don't see that they will be successful at it. If this is the case, go with collegekidsmom's advice.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't assist - as in edit, be a sounding board for ideas, etc - but "give them all the help you can"? NO. Help the kid when the kid has a sense of what to say.

[saguaro]

Give them all the help you can.

No.

You don't say what discipline your child is hoping to enter, but if s/he cannot come up with a coherent, well-written piece on why they want to be a part of it and what they hope to contribute, than I don't see that they will be successful at it. If this is the case, go with collegekidsmom's advice.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't assist - as in edit, be a sounding board for ideas, etc - but "give them all the help you can"? NO. Help the kid when the kid has a sense of what to say.

But this is not just a "coherent, well-written piece." They have to write what someone else wants to see. If you know what this someone wants, you should help.

[laurel_knx]

Can you hold yourself to giving only the help you would give an undergrad from one of your classes? Point out the usual pitfalls for the statements, highlight some spots they should work on, and then let them figure out the rest. I don't see anything unethical about that and it wouldn't be so much help that he/she would get into a program not based on his/her own merits.

Perhaps your student just needs to learn the fundamental rule of writing-- the first draft is never the final draft.

[inthelab]

Parents help their children.  That's been my belief.  help can come in many forms: editing an essay, being a sounding board for essay ideas, talking offspring into/out of grad school, leaving the help wanted ads by the offpsring's place at the table, etc. 

It sounds like there's more going on than merely helping with an essay.

[malcha]

Give them all the help you can.

No.

You don't say what discipline your child is hoping to enter, but if s/he cannot come up with a coherent, well-written piece on why they want to be a part of it and what they hope to contribute, than I don't see that they will be successful at it. If this is the case, go with collegekidsmom's advice.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't assist - as in edit, be a sounding board for ideas, etc - but "give them all the help you can"? NO. Help the kid when the kid has a sense of what to say.

But this is not just a "coherent, well-written piece." They have to write what someone else wants to see. If you know what this someone wants, you should help.

Unless they are applying in your field, you won't necessarily know what someone else wants to see, apart from a few truisms about grad school statements ("be specific about your interests and how they match the resources of the department").  My father is an academic, and I never dreamed of showing him my grad school essays, partly because I was in another country, partly because they seemed like my own business, but also because he wouldn't have any idea what a plausible research program in my field would look like.  Undergrad mentors in the relevant field are a better resource than academic relatives.

[scampster]

Give them all the help you can.

No.

You don't say what discipline your child is hoping to enter, but if s/he cannot come up with a coherent, well-written piece on why they want to be a part of it and what they hope to contribute, than I don't see that they will be successful at it. If this is the case, go with collegekidsmom's advice.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't assist - as in edit, be a sounding board for ideas, etc - but "give them all the help you can"? NO. Help the kid when the kid has a sense of what to say.

But this is not just a "coherent, well-written piece." They have to write what someone else wants to see. If you know what this someone wants, you should help.

Unless they are applying in your field, you won't necessarily know what someone else wants to see, apart from a few truisms about grad school statements ("be specific about your interests and how they match the resources of the department").  My father is an academic, and I never dreamed of showing him my grad school essays, partly because I was in another country, partly because they seemed like my own business, but also because he wouldn't have any idea what a plausible research program in my field would look like.  Undergrad mentors in the relevant field are a better resource than academic relatives.

I would also say that unless your kid is going into the same field as you and your wife, you might have a dangerous amount of knowledge - i.e., what flies in your field might be different from others but you'll be so colored by your experiences that you might even give inappropriate feedback for the field. Of course, the basics are same between fields, but I imagine that my SOP was very different from malcha's.

But as long as they are getting feedback from others as well, I don't think it is bad for you to help. Make them write the first draft on their own and then tell them you'll help them edit it to a point where they would be confident to give it to a professor in their field at their current school for feedback.

[sugaree]

I don't understand - why wouldn't you help? By help, I don't mean write the essay for the kid, but what is wrong with a prospective applicant availing themselves of any and all help they are proactive enough to seek?

[wet_blanket]

I don't understand - why wouldn't you help? By help, I don't mean write the essay for the kid, but what is wrong with a prospective applicant availing themselves of any and all help they are proactive enough to seek?

My reading of the OP is that the question is about a large role in writing the essays.  Otherwise, I'm sure they wouldn't have to resign themselves to helping.

[ptarmigan]

I think it would be strange/inappropriate/crazy to actually write the SOP for your child, but I also think it would be mean-spirited and counterproductive to give your child less help than you would give, say, a friend.

[der_gadfly]

Gee, so much advice! Thanks all.

let me clarify a few things.

I told the gad_child to extract the key points from the essay instructions. Put each on a separate piece of paper. Then bullet point every thing that they think applies. Then write good solid sentences, tossing aside the crapola. Then string them together into paragraphs. Then let it sit for 2-3 days. THEN read through it, and make transition sentences etc.

What I was doing was simply giving advice on HOW to write, based upon how I write. I did make a few word suggestions and to tell the truth, I see what I am doing as coaching: I will NOT write the things for hu. I will make comments, much as I might for a student.

As for hu being home mooching, well, apparently colloquialisms seem to miss the mark around here.... so literal we all are! Of COURSE I would prefer to keep the nest empty and have the offspring be at grad school, but unless hu gets into a program that is the right fit, it does noone any good.

I thnk what I really meant to ask was HOW many times I should bounce these things back? I mean, the kid has some GREAT profs who are interested in mentoring hu.... should those profs (all writing LORs BTW) not be better suited to the task of assisting their students with grad school apps than two parents (who are still quite stupid - gad_child is not yet 30)?

Anyway, interesting comments all. Thanks for the assist. I think I will print point out this thread...

[john_proctor]

Why are the only two options grad school or live at home?

I moved my stuff out of my parents' house when I was 18 and never even thought about living their again.

Where is the pride and self-respect in young adults these days?  Sigh.

I'd let their profs review their essays.  If they can't organize an essay, they're not ready for grad school.