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[philadelphonic]

Caveat: this question is less about the practical matters of the process of dual career seeking, and more about  the personal considerations of how to figure out whether or not it should even happen.

So, there's one camp that warns against dating another grad student because inevitably you will have to "cross that bridge." I'm coming up to Brooklyn soon - my partner and I are both on the market this cycle. We're both in the same general Humanities field, but with vastly different specialties. One of us in a shrinking field, but a really brilliant scholar with well-placed articles. The other is in one of those "exploding" disciplines, but more concentrated on teaching. I give you this background only because I have deluded myself into thinking we have a shot at (someday) getting TT's in at least the same geographical area, if not at the same school, because one or other will eventually be desirable enough (at the right school) to get a hire for the other.

The problem is we haven't talked about this. At. All. We 100% support each other through this awful application process, with cheering and nagging and comforting, but we totally ignore the elephant in the room - what are we going to do about US? I really think we could make it work...but of course, I don't even know if we both want to. How do you even start this conversation, knowing it might spell the end of everything?

[crowie]

You take a deep breath, sit down, and do it.  I"m not kidding.  Just do it.

[dr_prephd]

How do you start it? Just like Crowie said. Pick a relaxed time when you're talking apps, and start discussing possibilities.

Good luck (and sweet moniker, by the way).

[sibyl]

Chime.  

There are lots of ways to start this conversation, whether it's just the straightforward "So, how are we going to manage this application process?" to the slightly less straightforward "So, what are we gonna do if..."  You could also make it nonspecific to you; say that you were reading the fora and came across someone who posted this question, and it got you wondering about what would happen to you all.  (You don't have to reveal that you are philadelphonic... unless that would give the game away to your partner.)  Or mention that you saw an ad for a job in Dubai (or any other place that you would consider unacceptably remote) and wonder about teaching in such a far off place.

[ETA:  The other reality is that dual hires usually only happen for people who are married, or occasionally for people who are committed but can't marry because of certain state laws.  You could always talk about job-hunt strategies for you given that you say your relationship doesn't quite fit this definition yet.  Be sure to avoid making it seem as though you are angling for a proposal.]

You are right that this discussion could spell the end of your relationship.  But so could your differing views about money, religion, children, gender relations, or the fact that one of you is a more proficient researcher than the other.  In any case, you don't do yourself any favors by avoiding the minefield; you just make it harder to extract yourself when the time comes.  If you get answers you don't like, but you don't want to break up at the moment, you can back off for now, and just let the relationship die a natural death when you get jobs at different places.  And you may also experience the pleasant realization that you are exactly on the same wavelength and therefore you are well matched for a lifelong partnership.  

If you two are going to find the strength, resources, and determination to manage a dual-career relationship, you can't be afraid of encountering the questions.

Good luck.

[larryc]

Every relationship faces a test. Here is yours. Good luck!

[macaroon]

I really think we could make it work...but of course, I don't even know if we both want to. How do you even start this conversation, knowing it might spell the end of everything?

Well, do you want to make it work?  Or would you like to close this chapter of your life and move on?  Start there.

[philadelphonic]

I know it's got to be done, but it's the APPROACH that's got me a little stymied. I'm leaning towards "Hey, hon, wanna move to Dubai with me?" as my opening joke...and then I draw a blank :)

I definitely want to make it work. Which is why I'm so petrified to start the conversation, knowing I might be terribly disappointed to find out the feeling is not mutual.

Thanks to Sibyl for a remarkably good point that was staring me in the face but I hadn't seen yet. It will take a lot of intestinal fortitude to make this kind of life work, so if I can't get through this part without acting like a total wiener, we'll never get any further. Strangely, that thought helps a lot!

[ruralguy]

Fear of the answer is not the best reason to avoid a question or discussion.

As a spouse and parent, I can tell you that you will come these sorts of bridges fairly often, so you need to know how to properly deal with it without it becoming a crisis every time.

What can you do if your partner does not wish to join you, or wants to now, but decides later it can't be done?
Not much...

[silas]

OP, thanks for this post.  I was in a similar situation but with a job offer from a University that is about as far away from my already long distance partner as I can possibly be.  (He's in the mid-Atlantic states, I'm in the Midwest and moving to Australia.)  The job prospects in my field were utterly underwhelming and so when I faced the situation of having to turn down a sure thing for a maybe, I had to accept the job.  With the relationship not yet solidified in a way that would mean anything in the context of a partner hire, I made the logical choice that somebody who spent 25 years in school should make.  My partner initially volunteered to come with me but now he's backing away and reconsidering, which he has every right to do.

I guess if  you want, you can either show your partner this story and use it as a springboard for a larger discussion or simply cross the bridge when you get to it.  The sad reality of this market is that you may find yourself with fewer options than you imagined, thus making the nefarious games of "what if" a little more manageable. 

A good rule to keep in mind, however, is to ask yourselves whether or not you could be happy in the place that you both wind up even if the relationship dissolves 6 months after moving.  If you're moving only because of your significant other and would be devastated to find yourself in undesirable location A or B as a single person, you may want to reconsider limiting your own options (if indeed you are lucky enough to have options) in favor of an uncertain relationship.  If you wouldn't mind being in desirable spot X or Y even without your partner, take the job, have fun, and try to build a life together and be happy.

[alleyoxenfree]

I definitely want to make it work. Which is why I'm so petrified to start the conversation...

If you haven't done it yet, I suggest that your line above is a good opener.