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[sweetpotato]

I'm applying to graduate schools (in Canada) and would like to ask one of my professors for a reference. I've taken many classes with him and have received As or A+s in all of them. He teaches in a subfield I'd like to specialize in, and so asking him for a reference seems to me both natural because of my grades with him and necessary because of the overlap in research interests.

But I am afraid of approaching him. I am uncertain whether he will write me a strong reference, reason being that for the past few years I've had a raging crush on him. Ironically the crush made me work my tail off in his classes but it also led me to act in strange and problematic ways. I hung around him a lot, both after classes and during office hours. The conversations weren't always academic. He'd make some personal comment as a matter of course (e.g. 'I started reading this author in my teens') and I'd jump on that and ask him what else he liked doing in his teens. That's an analogy by the way; I'm not about to reveal the humiliating things I actually said. But the point is that I talked about personal stuff more with him than academic stuff. I took every opportunity to talk with him that I could, even if I had nothing particularly worthy to say - that's how much I liked the guy; just being around him made me happy.

The point is that I must have come across as a very needy student, one probably not serious about academics. Yet that's completely false; I WAS serious and my GPA reflects that (it's a perfect 4.0), and I'm not needy with my other professors.

What can I expect from this prof? Is it pointless to ask him for a reference, though I've taken many, many courses with him and he knows my performance best?

[ptarmigan]

Just ask him if he is able to write you a strong letter of recommendation.  I doubt he would be friendly with you for years and then lie and write you a bad letter.  It also sounds like he should be happy to write you a good letter, but you won't know until you ask.

You can always ask by email if it's too scary to ask in person.

[sweetpotato]

This might be relevant: I am not applying to my undergraduate institution.

[joeroberts]

I always suggest that people ask potential referees straight out whether or not you can count on them to be a strong reference.  I think it's a very fair question and it's very fair for the referee to tell you the truth.  If he or she says, yes, great, the air is cleared. If he or she says no, then you can go elsewhere...

[sweetpotato]

How do I know what he will consider strong? His definition of strong might be: "She was an excellent student, but lacks in maturity somewhat. While I think her academic performance leaves little to be desired, I think she needs significant work in terms of her attitude blah blah." That would efface much of the academic praise.

I know it is too much to ask that he turn a blind eye to my non-academic behavior all these past years, but at the same time I can't ask him for a reference if such mentions will crop up significantly. I'm applying to competitive programs and this stuff does cause me anxiety. I am wondering whether, if I do request a reference, I should bring my behavior up? And how would I do so?

[barred_owl]

How do I know what he will consider strong? His definition of strong might be: "She was an excellent student, but lacks in maturity somewhat. While I think her academic performance leaves little to be desired, I think she needs significant work in terms of her attitude blah blah." That would efface much of the academic praise.

I know it is too much to ask that he turn a blind eye to my non-academic behavior all these past years, but at the same time I can't ask him for a reference if such mentions will crop up significantly. I'm applying to competitive programs and this stuff does cause me anxiety. I am wondering whether, if I do request a reference, I should bring my behavior up? And how would I do so?

No.  You are asking a professional for a reference--nothing more.  Leave the personal stuff out of your request, and merely pose the question (whether in person or via email) as professionally and succinctly as you can. 

[yellowtractor]

Agreed with both Ptarmigan and Barred_Owl.  Asking someone else for a sealed reference is always a risk (see Robert Penn Warren's short story "The Life and Work of Prof. Roy Millen" for a classic treatment).  You have no idea what Prof. X's personal issues are, or what his sense of professional ethics does or does not entail.

Keep in mind that academic performance is only part of the basis on which professors write recommendations.  Ability to engage in advanced academic work also includes relative maturity, which various individuals define in various ways.  If in your past conduct you've done anything to suggest you lack elements of "maturity" Prof. X finds relevant, he may indeed say so.

Raising the issue explicitly will only increase this possibility.  Ask him, succinctly and directly, whether he would be willing to contribute a reference on your behalf.  That's all.  As numerous threads on these fora attest, most of us are loathe to write negative letters.  We will find ways of telegraphing our reluctance back to you, if it comes to that.

[sweetpotato]

Thanks, everybody - I shall do as suggested.

I'm surprised no one so far has said what they'd write in a reference letter for a student like me. I mean, would my behavior have been problematic to you? Of course I haven't disclosed many details... But still, in your letters, how much attention is devoted to academics and how much to other relevant factors? I'm very curious!

[offthemarket]

Just ask him if he can write you a strong letter of recommendation.  He knows that a strong letter won't talk trash about your behavior.

Professors often do their best to ignore the emotional tides of undergraduates.  He probably knows you have a crush on him and is hoping for both of your sakes that you'll get over it.  If you're a strong student, he knows you'll grow out of this and will probably be flattering of you.   If you want to go into the same subfield, he's probably flattered and would be pleased for you to be a colleague someday.

On edit: In a letter, I wouldn't write anything about this kind of behavior.  If it is merely crush-related weirdness, then that's not really relevant unless there's an indication that you'd be similarly crippled in the future.  Keep in mind that professors need to protect themselves as well, and won't put on paper anything of a sensitive personal nature that might draw any kind of suspicion.

[msparticularity]

Thanks, everybody - I shall do as suggested.

I'm surprised no one so far has said what they'd write in a reference letter for a student like me. I mean, would my behavior have been problematic to you? Of course I haven't disclosed many details... But still, in your letters, how much attention is devoted to academics and how much to other relevant factors? I'm very curious!

The kinds of "other relevant factors" that I discuss when I write references are personal characteristics that relate directly to suitability to an academic career. For example, many grad school reference forms ask faculty to comment upon students' tendency to be a self-starter, or ability to work independently, or general affinity for research. I might also mention interpersonal skills if I had observed an ability to work cooperatively with other students (in class), or if the person had done peer tutoring for me.

Only if I had observed and documented actual and repeated difficulty in completing academic work due to personal characteristics or circumstances would I comment upon that--and I would only do so after cautioning a student that I would need to discuss all aspects of their performance, including problems I had noted, if I were going to write a letter for them.

[obprof]

I wouldn't worry too much about any embarassing comments that you might have made. We all look back at our socially awkward young adult years and cringe.

When you ask for the reference, include a list of the courses that you took with him, along with your grades (he will look them up anyway, but you will remind him that you were a good student), as well as a current cv and a copy of the cover letter that you plan to send to the school.

This will give him plenty to write about in his letter about you, so he may be less likely to comment on your interpersonal skills.

[verysneaky]

It sounds to me as if you are persecuting yourself unnecessarily. If you make it possible for your advisor to ignore your crush and focus on your excellent performance, he probably will. Just don't create any extra drama (always a good rule of thumb). Stop by during office hours and ask if he feels he can write you a strong letter, as others have suggested.

IMO, workplace crushes are an unfortunate fact of life, especially in your twenties. They don't mean anything. They are the emotional equivalent of a publicly visible and potentially embarrassing skin condition, and they should be handled in the same way: with as much dignity as possible under the circumstances.

[sweetpotato]

Asked him (without any drama) and he was fine with writing one. He did not raise any doubts, so I feel optimistic.

Sigh. I am not taking any more classes with him. I will never see him again. Thank god for admission-related anxiety; takes my mind off of the sadness somewhat.