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[professor_pat]

OK, after the fourth request today for a "tiny"/"small"/"little"/etc. extension on the major, term-long assignment due (you guessed it) tomorrow, I'm having a harder and harder time holding down the snark in my replies. Help!

Anyone got a good 12-step -- or even better, given the time-till-deadline we're talking about here, a 1-step -- program for therapizing away my increasing snarkitude??

(Or ideally, a way of snarking that lets me vent but without the student getting it?)

[barred_owl]

Hie thee to the Oh boy, I wish I could... thread and read aloud.

It's a start, anyway!  Hang in there, professor_pat.

[lousia]

Step 1:  Draft a boilerplate reply:
                  Dear Student,
                         No extensions.
                   Best,
                   Professor_Pat

Step 2: When a student enters your office asking for a request, don't say anything.  Just print a copy of the boilerplate reply and hand it to the student.

Step 3:  When the student refuses to believe that is the response, ask if the student would like a second copy for the student's records.

Step 4:  Mention that the student still has X time until the deadline and that time could be better spent working on the assignment because no matter how much the student pleads or whines, the response will be another copy of the boilerplate NO.

Repeat steps 2 through 4 until the student takes the hint and goes away.

[wet_blanket]

Give them the tiny extensions they seek.  If the assignment is due by, say, noon, then give them until 12:15.

[bud04]

<giggling loudly>

Now that's funny!

[scienceguy]

Give them the tiny extensions they seek.  If the assignment is due by, say, noon, then give them until 12:15.

And negotiate with them in 1-minute intervals.

[tolerantly]

Via a finger puppet.

[anthroid]

Via a finger puppet.

Make them do interpretive dance.

[wild_rose]

Give them the tiny extensions they seek.  If the assignment is due by, say, noon, then give them until 12:15.

And negotiate with them in 1-minute intervals.

Via a finger puppet.

Make them do interpretive dance.

This is the best laugh I've had in a while!

[larryc]

I thought this was going to be a thread where we admitting to our addictions to snark and embarked on some kind of 12 step program.

I am LarryC and I am a snarkaholic.

Why don't you go cry about it?

[tolerantly]

I thought this was going to be a thread where we admitting to our addictions to snark and embarked on some kind of 12 step program.

I am LarryC and I am a snarkaholic.

Why don't you go cry about it?

(I thought snarks were for hunting. When do we get to be good oldfashioned a**holes again?)

[mystictechgal]

I thought this was going to be a thread where we admitting to our addictions to snark and embarked on some kind of 12 step program.

I am LarryC and I am a snarkaholic.

Why don't you go cry about it?

(I thought snarks were for hunting. When do we get to be good oldfashioned a**holes again?)

Back in my day, we encouraged the gullible to go snipe hunting and then proved ourselves to be good old fashioned a**holes by snarking at their gullibility when they got lost in the woods.

[cc_alan]

Student: "I'm not going to be able to turn my lab assignment in on-time."

Me: <simply looks at the student>

Student: "Will I be marked down if it's late."

Me: "I allow some assignments to be turned in late."

Student: "Is this one of them?"

Me: "I don't know. I usually mark it late once I start grading them."

Student: "When will you start grading this one?"

Me: <pretends to flip through imaginary handbook> "Nope... my handbook doesn't state that I have to answer that question."

Student: "Then how will I know?"

Me: "If you turn it in late, you'll know if I mark it off when I grade it."

Student: "But how can I find out NOW if you are going to mark me off for a late assignment?"

Me: "You can't."

Student: "So what do I do?"

Me: <with a giant, friendly smile> "Live in fear, young one."

<looks at the title of the thread>

Oh, carp. I'm in the wrong room.

Alan

[professor_pat]

I thought this was going to be a thread where we admitting to our addictions to snark and embarked on some kind of 12 step program.

I am LarryC and I am a snarkaholic.

Why don't you go cry about it?

Indeed, this was the original concept, something along the lines of:

1. I admit that I am powerless over my snarking tendencies.

2. I trust in a power greater than myself -- namely, the Fora -- to restore me to sanity.

and so on.

But I was hoping (justifiably, as it turns out) to shrink the required number of steps below 12 since we're coming to the end of the term and I have to do this quickly. (Note that this is consonant with my students' approach to knowledge, so I clearly am already developing a sense of empathy. I'm sure this must be one of the steps somewhere along the line.)

I believe the minimum number of steps proposed so far is 1.

[hipgeek]

I'm not sure the Fora is the first place I'd go to restore me to the sanity of snark-lessness.

It is the place I'd go for a discussion of finger puppet replies to students' whining. 
What kind of finger puppet would you use to say "NO" to students?
And is the finger puppet the one doing the interpretive dancing?

When students ask me for an extension, I generally laugh and smile, as if they're joking.  If that doesn't shut them up, I shrug.  But I often place assignments on the syllabus as due at least a few days before I'd actually like to have them in.  That way I can provide my own generous, "Oh it looks like you all may want an extension" gift to the class even though I had no intention of grading them until after the new extended due date anyway.