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[polly_mer]

Yesterday, I had a lovely discussion with a student who wanted to discuss the report that is due in two weeks.  While I have said many things off the top of my head regarding those reports (because, honestly, I don't care; I just want students to write something coherent on a topic that interests them and is at least vaguely related to the course), the constants have been 4-6 pages with at least three references, one of which must be an actual book from the library, and no Wikipedia.  This student insisted that I said he could use Wikipedia as one of his two sources and that he didn't have to have a library source because the website he found had thirteen whole pages on the topic so a book would be unnecessary.  Um, no.  But, thanks for making the decision easy about what side of the C-/D+ borderline you will likely fall at the end of the semester.

[bud04]

I solved the missing paper/take home exam problem years ago. When the students turn in their papers/exams, I have them sign in on a folder as they place them into it. Then we all know who turned in their papers/exams since there is or is not a signature. This also helps me keep track of whose work is missing.   

[rebelgirl]

Here's one.  Student claimed that her mom had stage 3 ovarian cancer and that she was the only person in the family who could possibly take her to chemo in a city about 2 hours' drive from our rural cc (all other family members had inflexible job hours).  Please, please, Dr. Rebelgirl, could I miss some classes and have some extensions on my papers?  Sheesh, what could I say?  So I said yes.  Student got major extensions on all papers. . . . my usual policy is that it's a grade off per day late, and she was turning things in a week late through the quarter. . . .

. . . Until, at the grocery store at the start of the last week of the quarter, I ran into said student and her mom:  one of those unmistakable family resemblance cases.  I walked up to them and scumweaselette's face went pale.  Very tired from grading lots & lots of papers and still not quite getting it, I introduced myself and said, "Hi, you must be Scumweaselette's mother," and the woman smiled and replied that she was.  Boy, did she look in the pink of health.  I said how glad I was to see that she was feeling better, and she looked at me like I had two heads.  At this moment, the penny dropped. . . . I excused myself and finished my grocery run.

Next day, scumweaselette shows up in my office with her latest extension paper.  I marked F on it for lateness.  This student had the gall to claim that she needed extra time and I couldn't change her grades now.  I told her that she was going to get retroactive Fs for lateness on all her papers, that I was going to report her for discipline to the VP for Students, and that meanwhile, as minimum penance  for having faked her mom's terminal illness, she ought to do all the housework for her mom for at least a year. . . .

Lesson learned:  never make exceptions to late work policies without solid documentation.  That's in my syllabi now:  no exceptions to my late poiicy and exam policy unless I see the doctor's note, police report, whatever, and I tell students w/out documentation that out of fairness to others, no accommodations without documentation!

[barcrossliar]

A colleague suspected student fraud on a research project, but could not make it to the student's research presentation (the TA was in charge), so I agreed to attend.  Student claimed to have done a test that required hazardous materials.  I asked how s/he had disposed of them.  S/he claimed that HS teacher had helped.  Afterwards I asked for teacher's name.  Student confessed.  Student's department was notified. 

[finallydone]

Day that the paper is due I get an email from one student who had been sporadic at best about attending class.  The email was a sob story saying that she wouldn't be turning a paper in on time because when she pressed print on the computer it deleted her paper instead of printing it.   Yeah, okay, whatever.

The week following I get another email from her wanting to check to see if I had received her paper.  Apparently, according to the email, she had dropped it off the day before but I had not been in my office. 
[I didn't need to worry about my having lost the paper as I had been in my office until 6pm that day and none of my colleagues saw any students coming to my office in the one or two instances when I stepped out.   I also had cleaned my desk off and gone through all the paper on it....nothing.]

I emailed her back to say that I had not received the paper and she would have to get another copy to me.  I also asked where she put it since she never said in the email.  Never heard from her again.


Little lying scumweaselette.....The gall of these students!

[hulkhogan]

he then e-mailed my department chair to tell my chair that I am a liar and should be fired.

The only problem? My chair's office is right next door to mine and he was actually sitting in my office with me talking when the student was supposed to be there. I even said something to my chair about how this doofus just missed his second attempt at a retake. My chair forwarded all of the e-mails on to the academic dishonesty people--should be fun!

You're lucky, pfx. Can I have your chair? My chair would have still found a way to blame me for the student's repeated absences and ordered me to give a third chance. Then that incident would have been brought up out of context during my annual review as evidence that I was not keeping students happy, and when I would have responded to my chair that she was right there when everything happened, she'd deny it. You guys don't know how good you have it.

[gunnercade]

I have a good lying scumweaselette story too.
Because I got tired of students who think that a family trip, running out of gas, or a fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend counts as the 'extreme emergency situation' that justifies a makeup exam, now my policy is: if you miss one of the two exams, you take one CUMULATIVE exam at the end of the semester, regardless of the reason why you missed the scheduled exam (I got my degree in Europe and all my exams were cumulative, so I don't feel really bad about it). It is not meant as a punishment: students who take the cumulative final can have access to the midterm for practice, and they can have my help and support if only they ask for it. And the rule is announced the very first day of the semester, it is stated in the syllabus, and repeated by e-mail 1 week before exam, specifying that no exceptions will be made.
Of course, there is always someone special who thinks that the rules do not apply to him or, in this case, her. After asking in an e-mail if she could have a non-cumulative makeup exam because she had been sick, and receiving a "no" for an answer, she tried to go over my head by talking to the chair. The chair actually supports my policy, which is consistent with all OP at my institution (I checked beforehand). Rejected by the chair, the student went crying to mommy dearest, who picked up the phone and called the chair, and, when the chair refuses to budge, threatened to go all the way to the dean and became downright abusive. The chair's answer was "be my guest."
The following is by hearsay-the dean called the chair who called me. These two stormed into the dean's office bawling their heads off and claiming that I would not allow scumweaselette jr to make up for the midterm at all, thus condemning her to fail the class for which (all together now) she worked soooo haaard.
When the dean expressed surprised at such a draconian policy and asked if scumweaselette jr had tried to talk things through with me, they claimed that scumweaselette jr had been to my office in tears begging for mercy (I have never seen this woman in my office). The dean wasn't born yesterday, and within 5 minutes he had discovered that the two had lied both about my policy and about the nonexistent meeting. He promptly dispatched the drama queen duo.
I confess that I do feel a little bit sorry for scumweaselette jr. With scumweaselette sr. as a mother and role model, what do you expect? She dropped the class, by the way. And no, she wasn't doing that well. And yes, we have a fantastic chair.

[marigolds]

This thread is so depressing.  I'm truly shocked by these stories - I was perfectly happy to lie my happy little ass off to my parents, but I would *never* have tried any of these things out in school.  If I hadn't done the work, I just took the "F". 

[lil_socky]

Scumweasel has an accommodation which allows him to take exams in the testing center.

Scumweasel comes over to lab and tells me that there was a misunderstanding in the testing center and they took the exam away. OK... so I ask him what happened and he tells me that he pulled out a periodic table and once the proctor saw it, the exam was taken away from him.

So I asked him why he would do something so stupid since the periodic table wasn't allowed on the first part of the exam and scumweasel's explanation does sound like he made a stupid mistake (there is more backstory to him that I don't wish to go into). I tell him to go back down to the testing center and that I would allow him to take the second part of the exam since it was the first part they took.

As I'm mulling over what to do when I walk into the testing center, I tell the proctor what I was going to do. At this point the proctor looks at me and asks if I would like to hear his version of the story? It goes like this-

1. Scumweasel is extremely fidgety during the first part of the exam and one of the proctors decides to keep an eye on him since they've seen this behavior before.

2. Scumweasel pulls out a piece of paper and hides it under the exam.

3. The proctor goes over to the scumweasel and he tries to keep him from seeing the periodic table.

Up to this point I don't see too much harm having been done (yes, I know he cheated) until they turned it over. The entire back side was covered with notes!

Silently fuming, I go ahead and let him go in to finish the exam. The proctor tells me that when scumweasel came back to the testing center, he smugly told them that the instructor stated it was all just a misunderstanding and was going to allow him to finish the exam.

When I go back, scumweasel has just finished the exam. When he tries to explain, I tell him I'm angry because he not only tried to cheat, he also lied to me about it. While walking back to my lab trying to out-walk the scumweasel, he continues to try and tell me that it's all a misunderstanding and those notes on the back of the periodic table were his normal notes.

I repeat my mantra- "You cheated and you lied to me about it."

Scumweasel earned a 0 and I reported him to the accommodations office along among other places.

[sinenomine]

Here's my tale:

A couple years ago I got a call from our registrar's office, saying that one of my students was contesting his final course grade -- from three years ago.  The student said that I had lost his final paper, and that he had been getting A's and B's until that point, and that I had unjustly given him an F.  I pulled out my grade records and countered that 1) I've never lost a paper; he didn't turn his in, 2) he had D's on his other work, and 3) the period for appealing grades had long since expired.  That was the end of that.  The course was required for his degree.  Further investigation revealed that he had walked in graduation ceremonies, but had never received a diploma.  My suspicion is that he had been saying he had his bachelor's but recently had been asked to provide proof of it....

[kaysixteen]

bold + stupid = DARWIN AWARD LAUREATE

[kedves]

I don't have anything to compare with the previous amazing tales, but I had got a sad, complicated email recently explaining how the student couldn't hand in the paper on time because he had been in the ER all weekend, mystery diagnosis.  I replied sympathetically, praising him for checking the paper guidelines folder online twice after it was due but while he was hospitalized and offering to remove the late deduction when I got a doctor's or hospital note of any kind.  Haven't heard from him since.

[midwestgrad]

I'm almost certain I've had multiple students fake swine flu this semester.  I just don't care anymore.  My university's policy mandates that they don't need a doctor's note, so I have no way to verify.  All I can do is give them the makeup exam (which, of course, is more difficult than the regular one).

[georgiaprof]

A colleague had a snowflake explain that mom had been sick for a long time and died just before final (wanted an extension).  My colleague said yes.  Later colleague decided to call the student's house to offer condolences.  Mom answered the phone.  Colleague told mom to pass along the message that the final would be held as scheduled.  I don't recall if snowflake had the nerve to show up.

[rebelgirl]

bold + stupid = DARWIN AWARD LAUREATE

. . . but only if their blend of boldness and stupidity removes them from the gene pool!