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[rlm523]

I'm not sure if this is the most appropriate forum for my questions, but I'll give it a shot.  Also, I apologize in advance, this is sort of a long story. 

I attended grad school at a regionally prestigious university (nationally prestigious in my area of research, highly specialized field of life and social sciences).  I met my husband about a year before I finished grad school.  He is in a highly specialized area of the military and we had little choice about where we were stationed.  Consequently, we were stationed in an area where there really wasn't anywhere within driving distance for me to do a post-doc.  So, for the past 2 years I have been teaching as an adjunct and working part time in research, but not in my field and in a non-PhD level position. 

This past summer, I applied for, was awarded and accepted a fantastic post-doctoral opportunity at my graduate alma mater.  The position is a teaching post-doc, 75% research in my former lab and 25% teaching, lots of fringe benefits.  I am/was supposed to start Jan 2010.  When I accepted the position, the military was telling my husband and I that it was very likely, if not definite, that we would be able to be stationed in the area of my alma mater....which is why I accepted the position. 

Well, now 2 months before I was supposed to move and start my new position, the military is now saying that there is no chance we will be able to return to that area.  So my first question is, how do I tell the people at my "job" that I will not be coming, i.e., email, phone call, what words to use?  When I accepted the position, I did tell my former and future mentor that when dealing with the military, there is always a chance that they will not send you where you want to go, but that was a slim chance in our case (due to the crappy nature of the job my husband was volunteering to do).  I did not have this conversation with the faculty who run the overall program, at the advice of my mentor.

It has taken some time, but I am now accepting that I will not be able to take what is my "dream job" for this stage of my career.  (we briefly considered the possibility of me going and him staying here and extending his current position, but that is not the best option for us.  we have already spent over 1 year of our 2 year marriage apart because of his deployments and are not willing to spend more time apart).  But now I am faced with what do I do now?  Hubs will be out of the military in 1-3 years and we hope to relocate to our home town in about a year's time and have a "normal" life not controlled by the government.  At the present time, there are no faculty positions in my field in the geographic area where we hope to be.  Even if there were, I hesitate to apply since there is still a certain level of uncertainty about when and where we will be this time next year.  I suppose I could look for a post-doc in that area, but will have been out of grad school for 3 years at that point.  Additionally, I do not want a position at a major research university, a SLAC with most of the emphasis on teaching is what I want.  So, that makes me wonder how necessary is the post-doc experience?

Like I said, I feel like the career part of my life is a big hot mess right now...and while hubs is a fantastic emotional support, he just doesn't get careers in academia...I'm helping the forminites will have some pearls of wisdom!

Thanks in advance!

[lorelei]

Can you defer the postdoc for 12 months? (you suggest your husband will be possibly out of the service by then).
Try to defer it if you are serious about taking it, and can commit (really commit) to showing up in January 2011, even if this means being apart from your husband for a while. I say this because if you ask to defer, and the school agrees, then you flake on the deferred date too, you will be very unlikely to be offered a position anywhere else again.

[rlm523]

Probably not, they already allowed me to push back the start date about 5 months.  Also, we don't know if my husband will be out of the service at that point, it is a possibility, but we will not know that until this coming summer.  I also don't want to risk having to back out of another big commitment like this for exactly the reason you mentioned.  That is something that is very much outside my character; I never would have accepted the position in the first place if I didn't think it was practically guaranteed that we would get stationed back in that area.   Additionally, the area where we were supposed to go does not have great job prospects for my husband and we could not afford to live on only my lowly post doc salary, nor could we afford to have 2 households if we lived apart.

[kedves]

It sounds as if you have ruled out all the possibilities except going with your husband to his new location.
Here are the questions you asked:

So my first question is, how do I tell the people at my "job" that I will not be coming, i.e., email, phone call, what words to use?

Explain clearly and simply what you've said here:  your husband's assignment has changed from what you expected, and you have chosen to be with him rather than take the post-doc.  Whatever mode of communication you use, do it soon so they can possibly offer the opportunity to someone else.

But now I am faced with what do I do now? 

I don't know where you are moving or what the academic job outlook is there.  You could adjunct.  If it is a goal, you could start a family.  You could explore a career outside academia.

So, that makes me wonder how necessary is the post-doc experience?

I don't know what the situation is in your field.  The best way to find out would be to look at CVs of recent assistant professor hires at the sort of institution you like.

Good luck.

[zuzu_]

It has taken some time, but I am now accepting that I will not be able to take what is my "dream job" for this stage of my career.  (we briefly considered the possibility of me going and him staying here and extending his current position, but that is not the best option for us.  we have already spent over 1 year of our 2 year marriage apart because of his deployments and are not willing to spend more time apart).  

This is probably not the sort of advice you are seeking, but it seems like you all are sacrificing quite a bit for your husband's career but nothing for yours. You both can accept his deployment as a necessary hurdle, but you will not consider a "deployment" of your own.

Like I said, I feel like the career part of my life is a big hot mess right now...and while hubs is a fantastic emotional support, he just doesn't get careers in academia...I'm helping the forminites will have some pearls of wisdom!

This something that you need to address in your relationship. It's obvious that you "get" careers in the military. He needs to "get" your career, too.


With all of this being said, I do understand that these are difficult choices, and choosing to give up your dream job might truly be the best thing for your overall life satisfaction. But recognize that it IS a choice, and you can make the choice to take this job. There are ways to problem-solve the financial aspects of separate households. Not fully recognizing this as the choice that it is (right now) can lead to serious resentment in the marriage (down the road).

[pink_]

Chime with kedves.
This probably isn't what you want to hear/read:

I know two couples in similar situations: academics married to military personnel.
In both of those cases, the couples chose to live apart so that the academic did not have to sacrifice her career.

The more time that passes since you finished, the harder it will be to compete for a tenure-track position or a post-doc (or both).  The more opportunities that you decline for full-time work in academe, the less likely you are to have such opportunities in the future, especially if you have not been able to maintain an active research agenda.

If you are not committed to an academic career, that's fine.  But if you are, you need to consider these decisions very carefully.  If something happens to your husband, whether you split up or something else (heaven forbid), how will you support yourself (and your family if you have one).  The adjunct paycheck is fine if it supplements another income (and that income includes partner benefits), but it can be very difficult to make ends meet as an adjunct

[alleyoxenfree]

If you are not committed to an academic career, that's fine.  But if you are, you need to consider these decisions very carefully.  If something happens to your husband, whether you split up or something else (heaven forbid), how will you support yourself (and your family if you have one).  The adjunct paycheck is fine if it supplements another income (and that income includes partner benefits), but it can be very difficult to make ends meet as an adjunct

Regardless of whether or not you are committed to an academic career, you need to have a realistic discussion with yourself about your life, what work interests you, and the ability to support yourself if something should happen to him, or to your marriage.  You put yourself in a very vulnerable position when you have no means of support, moving to areas where there is inadequate work, or not building a career trajectory as you follow him around and pick up pin money. 

[sciencephd]

I agree with zuzu and pink.

But it is not clear that you have tried option 3, which is 'get him to ANY other location with major universities'.  If you are in any location with major universities, you can find a postdoc in the life sciences.  Probably a reseasrch position, but then you can, say, adjunct a class per semester to get the teaching cred.

[systeme_d_]

Unsurprisingly, I am with Kedves and Pink, too.

All of your decisions and actions thus far have indicated that you think his career is more important than yours.  No wonder he doesn't "get" academia -- you haven't done what committed academics (or women who value their careers) usually do.

As Alley wrote, I think you need to take a hard look at what you really want.  Do keep in mind that for people without inheritances/trust funds, being self-supporting is usually a necessity, not a choice.

[alleyoxenfree]

In other words, your career is not such a big mess now, you just need to actually start having one.

Wait until you're 35, 40, 45, with kids with a small, cold, mess of a career and bank account.  Think at least 10, 20 years ahead and factor in life craziness, emergencies, the unknown.

[magistra]

Ditto to all this.  And you're planning to move to your hometown, not where you find a job?  In the vast majority of cases, this simply isn't how academia works. 

You need to decide whether you really want to be in academia in the long haul.  If yes, take the post-doc and concentrate on your career (pubs, conferences) while you're apart.  If not, look outside academia.

[msparticularity]

Ditto to all this.  And you're planning to move to your hometown, not where you find a job?  In the vast majority of cases, this simply isn't how academia works. 

You need to decide whether you really want to be in academia in the long haul.  If yes, take the post-doc and concentrate on your career (pubs, conferences) while you're apart.  If not, look outside academia.

Yes, I think the whole cluster of your issues and considerations (as you define them) betrays a very poor understanding of what is actually involved in having an academic career. It just isn't the case that one can identify some desired location and then concentrate on getting a job there, and this misconception seems to have guided your entire process. You really are going to have to decide which you want: an academic career, or a life in the geographic location that is convenient/congenial to you and your spouse.

[peppergal]

In my opinion (and this is just my opinion), turning down this postdoc will be equivalent to kissing your career in academia goodbye.  You say you're in a highly specialized field, which implies it's also a smaller field.  Do you think people don't talk?  I can guarantee that by the end of the next conference after you decline the postdoc, everyone in the field will know that you turned it down, and the perception will be that you are not serious about a career in academia.

In this current market, if you want to actually get a job, you have to be geographically flexible.  As magistra and msparticularity said, you can't pick a location and expect that the job will fall into place.  Even if, as sciencephd suggests, you move to a location with major universities and find a postdoc, after the postdoc there will be no guarantee that a TT position will open up, or that there will be budgets for adjunct positions.  Those of us on the market have to take what we can get, and if you've been offered your "Dream Job", and you're serious about a career in academia, you'd be a fool not to take it.

[larryc]

In my opinion (and this is just my opinion), turning down this postdoc will be equivalent to kissing your career in academia goodbye. 

This may be true. Are you willing to do that? If that is your decision that is fine, but make certain it really is what you want.

[sciencephd]

I actually think that most people will understand, given that your husband can't be stationed there and is in the military, and would therefore not talk smack about you if you turned it down.

But then you would still need to find a postdoc somewhere else.