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[seventhyear]

I'm only able to do all that I do for Mom because she's got the money to have options, and I've got a support network.  If you've got neither, you're screwed in the caregiving game.  Our society ins not prepared for the boomers to age.  Ive also got my faith, and I'm lucky that Moms dementia has made her goofy, but not nasty. 

If your parent has no money to get the right help, doesn't know who you are, is nasty, and you've not got the right support that reminds you that the way that you are being treated by Mom or Dad isn't  them, it's the disease, yeah, I could see how walking away would become an option.  Watching your parents decline is lonely and depressing.  There is little joy.  Caring for children, you watch them gain new skills, caring for adults - you watch them lose them.

[annmarie]

Even in the best circumstance, it is not fun watching them get old.  There seems little we can do.  Many times I just make sure that I am with them.  More frustrating, are our lives in order?  For  me, at least, the answer is no.

[compdoc]

It's great to be able to be with them, annmarie.

I moved to New Tt-town. Miss my dad though and I know he misses me. He is not able to drive on his own and has to have a caregiver. We would go out to lunch 2x a week. Now, 2x a semester. That's hard.

[annmarie]

Yes, it would be hard to see them only every 2 months or so.  I am near enough to go see parents on the weekends. 

[dolljepopp]

Sorry to be away from this thread for so long, although I have been able to catch up on it. I'm grateful for this thread, even if I only pop in every so often. I haven't had a lot of fora time lately and have been putting off an update here. Apologies at the outset for its length.

My November trip to the States ended up being very different in unexpected ways. My mother's feeding tube was removed shortly before I travelled. She is on a soft diet and is being fed orally and doing well with it. She has responded well to her medication and has settled in nicely and is rarely agitated -- she has a couple of plush toys and a doll that she loves to cuddle and she always seems really happy to see people. She hasn't the first clue who they are, but she always brightens and boisterously greets people who come into her room or approach her in the common room.

This was all as of the end of November when I flew back home to Europe. Regular updates from my sister indicate that Mom is pretty much the same -- completely in her own world and fairly oblivious to this one, but happy and sociable and receiving the same excellent care. (She does have a minor infection at the moment, but nothing serious.)

Dad is another story. A couple of days before I left for the States (very end of October), my sister received a call from my father's neighbour that Dad wasn't well. My sister and brother-in-law went over there (about an hour-and-fifteen-minutes away) and he was dishevelled and confused and unsteady on his feet. He had driven to my sister's just a few days before and was apparently fine then. (He wasn't speaking to my sister at the time, but wanted to go over some paperwork regarding my mother with my brother-in-law, who works in hospital administration.)

He spent a week in the hospital, getting somewhat better, but with no clear indication of what was wrong. They released him to the rehab wing of the facility where my mother is (near my sister) and he stayed another week. He seemed to improve physically every day. I was there by then, having spent a few planned days in my grad school town and talking to my sister regularly in case I needed to travel sooner than planned.

After a week in rehab Dad declined fairly rapidly and was re-admitted to hospital where he stayed a week and more tests were run. They found pneumonia and a B12 deficiency -- due, they believed, to an absorption issue. He responded well to the pneumonia treatment and it was believed the dementia would improve somewhat anyway, although it looked unlikely he would be able to go back to living on his own. Assisted living, however, seemed possible, and we began researching facilities. I made arrangements to stay an extra two weeks so that someone would be there while my sister and her family took a much deserved break for Thanksgiving.

Dad was also found to have cancer -- lymphoma, stage two, fairly widely spread. The oncological team believed (and believe) it was/is an imminently treatable form, but they couldn't begin treatment until he was stronger. The plan was early January. Dad, however, has continued to decline. He is very weak, mostly non-responsive, disoriented, and has no appetite. They call it 'failure to thrive'. It does not appear he will regain sufficient strength to allow for the cancer treatment. He will be assessed for palliative care this week and we have been told to assume that he doesn't have a lot of time unless he reverses course.

I am travelling there this weekend for a week. My sister has emphasised that she doesn't specifically need me to help her with anything (she has been amazing through all this), but of course supports that I want to come to see him. I am intellectually aware that it will likely be the last time I do. Emotionally, I'm sure it hasn't fully sunk in.

My father and I have always had a difficult relationship. Frankly, he has a difficult relationship with everyone. He has always been an angry and frequently bullying man. I've never doubted that he loved me, although I've often thought he didn't like me very much (and he and my sister have long despised each other). He disapproved of pretty much every decision I have ever made and has been a royal pain as long as I can remember.

But he is my father. I'd much rather pound my head against the wall at his pigheadedness for many more years than lose him. At the same time, he clearly does not feel well -- not sure how much of it is pain, per se, but he obviously feels sick. I don't want him to suffer any more than he has to.

I'll update more when I know more -- sometime next week, I imagine. In the meantime, thanks for this thread. It helps.
   

 

[annmarie]

sending you hugs dolljepopp

[seventhyear]

Big hugs from over here too, dolljepopp.  I'm glad to hear that your Mom is doing as well as she is.  Learning to accept "happy" as the best case scenario is important.

Things are stable-ish over here.  Mom's assisted living seems to have finally gotten a management team in, and I'm more confident than I've been in a while.  On the other hand, Mom has lost all ability to track time.  If she tells me that something happened "last night", there's at best a 50:50 chance that it didn't happen.  We did some cleaning in her apartment and found more food hoarding, and she's trying to eat snacks out of dishes that aren't clean.  She's been complaining about her mattress, so we've got a twin sleep number on the way.

So, I think I'm going to bring in companion care once a week to spend about 4 hours with her.  The companion can help her make a shopping list and take her shopping, hopefully preventing her from buying more and more of things she already has.  Maybe they can help her battle a bit of clutter too.  I'm a bit hacked off to need to spend money on this, in addition to the exorbitant assisted living fees, but whatever it takes to make her happy and keep me sane.  I'm tired of arguing in the grocery store.   

Mom's struggling with her new Keurig coffee maker.  She figures it out about half the time.  I think the biggest problem is that she's convinced that it can catch fire, and she keeps unplugging it.  Head wall.  So I come by when I can, and have her try it with me watching.  I've put number stickers on it, which helps. I drink a cup of coffee with her and go on my way. 

In other news, SO's daughter and grandbabies are moving in this weekend.  I'll be a sandwich, instead of half a sandwich.  Mom's still not sure about SO's daughter, but I think she'll enjoy being step-great grandma.  I think I'll be getting a lot more done at work, because I'll be hiding there.

[amlithist]

Dolljepopp, so sorry to hear about your father, though at least your mother seems to be somewhat stable at the moment.  Bless you for visiting to take some of the weight off your sister!

Courage, Seventhyear.  Here's hoping things work out as well as can be hoped for....

[llanfair]

Hugs to all who could use them.

Mom's not doing too badly lately, but you'll love today's story - I'll bet many of you have seen this yourselves.  Mom's bank account balance was about $1000 lower than it should have been at this point in the month, so we checked and she's been hitting the bank machine pretty hard - $200 here, $300 there - to a total of $1000.  We went down and told her about it, and she was horrified.  "Let's check my dresser drawers," she said.

Took us twenty minutes to find several envelopes, all full of cash, in several different drawers - total, $1300.  She was mortified but at the same time joking about it all, which made the whole thing a lot easier.  I put $1000 back in the bank for her.  Thank goodness she wasn't giving it all to my idiot brother, the alcoholic!

[compdoc]

llanfair, I am glad your mom knew just where to look for her money, even if she didn't remember putting it there.

dolljepoop, I'm glad your mom is happy, even if she's not really aware of what's going on. I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is hard to let folks go, even if (or maybe especially if) the relationship was rocky.

seventhyear, I cannot imagine being a sandwich. I'm so sorry. I hope that things will work out far better than you are expecting.

My dad had another stroke on Friday, but doesn't seem appreciably worse. However, my sister who always insists Dad hang on for years called and said to come and "He could go any time." This has been true since about two months after the big stroke, two years ago. But this is the first time she has thought it was imminent.

I'm feeling guilty because I'm praying that he lives through the sale of his house (Feb. 10) and that he goes quickly and painlessly after that. He's just so depressed. He isn't going to get any better. He can't take care of himself. It is SO hard for him.

[mntwins]

Hugs to you Compdoc - it's hard to let someone go - even when you know it will bring them peace.

[compdoc]

mntwins, Thank you for the hugs. I needed them.

Tonight I was sitting in a --well, it was kind of like a wake, but not exactly, and for a whole bunch of people in my community who have died in the last week (or who have family who have)... Anyway, I realized they moved the house sale up to Monday. And I thought, "Does that mean Dad will be gone before February 10?"

[seventhyear]

Mom dearly loves her sleep number bed.  Good to know we've done something right!

[compdoc]

seventhyear, That is excellent! A better night's sleep can improve a lot, for anyone.

[redjar]

I was raised by grandparents since childhood and so as early as my age of 27, I am given the responsibility of taking care of them during their old age; they're 84 and 86.