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[barred_owl]

That's great progress, mended_drum!  It's especially nice that your mother is so receptive to making changes and new arrangements, both financially and in terms of her day-to-day existence.  I'm just curious--does she have grab bars in her shower/tub yet?  When we lived out west, the house we bought came with grab bars in the shower and, although hubby and I are neither disabled nor elderly, they really added a bit of security getting in and out of the shower.  I'd recommend them for anyone!

[mended_drum]

That's great progress, mended_drum!  It's especially nice that your mother is so receptive to making changes and new arrangements, both financially and in terms of her day-to-day existence.  I'm just curious--does she have grab bars in her shower/tub yet?  When we lived out west, the house we bought came with grab bars in the shower and, although hubby and I are neither disabled nor elderly, they really added a bit of security getting in and out of the shower.  I'd recommend them for anyone!

I had two of them put in last week.  And they're not as ugly as I feared they'd be.

[buglet]

I've noticed how easy it is for siblings to become angry and frustrated with each other when trying to work out what to do with aging parents.  I could deal with my sick mother, but there was a point a couple of weeks ago when I could hardly bear to hear my sister's voice.  It's very easy to slip into playing the "I've made more sacrifices than you for our parent" game or just feeling resentful.  Sometimes it may well be justified, but it makes life extra difficult.

Ain't it the truth. My brother and I are like chalk and cheese at the best of times, so I'm not surprised there is some friction. I'm just trying to breath deeply and be cooperative, polite, and help when I can.

mended_drum, great news about your mother...that must make your mind rest easier.

[stitch]

I've noticed how easy it is for siblings to become angry and frustrated with each other when trying to work out what to do with aging parents.  I could deal with my sick mother, but there was a point a couple of weeks ago when I could hardly bear to hear my sister's voice.  It's very easy to slip into playing the "I've made more sacrifices than you for our parent" game or just feeling resentful.  Sometimes it may well be justified, but it makes life extra difficult.

Ain't it the truth. My brother and I are like chalk and cheese at the best of times, so I'm not surprised there is some friction. I'm just trying to breath deeply and be cooperative, polite, and help when I can.

mended_drum, great news about your mother...that must make your mind rest easier.

Perhaps this belongs on the regionalism thread? 

[scotia]

I've noticed how easy it is for siblings to become angry and frustrated with each other when trying to work out what to do with aging parents.  I could deal with my sick mother, but there was a point a couple of weeks ago when I could hardly bear to hear my sister's voice.  It's very easy to slip into playing the "I've made more sacrifices than you for our parent" game or just feeling resentful.  Sometimes it may well be justified, but it makes life extra difficult.

Ain't it the truth. My brother and I are like chalk and cheese at the best of times, so I'm not surprised there is some friction. I'm just trying to breath deeply and be cooperative, polite, and help when I can.

My brother, who is several thousand miles away, has so far been very good at providing all the moral support he can (we have a pact that if my parents say they don't want him told 'in case he worries', I contact him at the first possible opportunity because otherwise he will be perpetually worried about what he is not being told). He is a very laid back individual, and although I wish he wasn't so far away in times of crisis he is in regular contact with me and is good at listening and providing sane advice and encouragement (we fought like cat and dog when he was a bratty obnoxious teenager, but somewhere along the way he grew into a good guy who started listening to his big sister!). I hope this continues; I have watched so many of my friends fall out with siblings, even at non-crisis times.

[2much2do]

I've noticed how easy it is for siblings to become angry and frustrated with each other when trying to work out what to do with aging parents.  I could deal with my sick mother, but there was a point a couple of weeks ago when I could hardly bear to hear my sister's voice.  It's very easy to slip into playing the "I've made more sacrifices than you for our parent" game or just feeling resentful.  Sometimes it may well be justified, but it makes life extra difficult.

Ain't it the truth. My brother and I are like chalk and cheese at the best of times, so I'm not surprised there is some friction. I'm just trying to breath deeply and be cooperative, polite, and help when I can.

My brother, who is several thousand miles away, has so far been very good at providing all the moral support he can (we have a pact that if my parents say they don't want him told 'in case he worries', I contact him at the first possible opportunity because otherwise he will be perpetually worried about what he is not being told). He is a very laid back individual, and although I wish he wasn't so far away in times of crisis he is in regular contact with me and is good at listening and providing sane advice and encouragement (we fought like cat and dog when he was a bratty obnoxious teenager, but somewhere along the way he grew into a good guy who started listening to his big sister!). I hope this continues; I have watched so many of my friends fall out with siblings, even at non-crisis times.

There are five us, with my sister and I within driving distance, and if "chalk and cheese" is yelling and accusing me of horrible things, I guess that describes it.  This has happened twice, and I just think my sister did not want to see what was going on - better to blame me.  Anyway, that seems to have eased, and things are going better - but I never tell her anything (like "did you notice that Mom is incontinent?") I wait till she figures it out.  Of course, when it happened in HER house when Mom was sitting on the sofa, it got a lot more attention! The good news is that my distant sister calls and says "what do you want me to do?  I know that I am too far removed to know what's going on, but I'll do whatever you want."  My Dad has had a couple of friends whose children have had horrible falling outs (fallings out?) and I know that that is one of his worries.  We're going to have a family meeting to make a plan about their stuff, and that may help in the long run. But the day to day stresses are wearing on everyone.

[seventhyear]

Just checking in so I can watch this thread. It's so good to know I'm not alone!

[barred_owl]

You are most definitely not alone, fifthyear!  Feel free to share whatever's on your mind!

Pardon the length of this post, but some of what I'm about to relate requires some set-up...So, tonight, I spoke to my sister about the latest developments at mom's assisted living facility.  Sis managed to get some action taken regarding an injury mom sustained while being transported down the hall one day (really bad elbow scrape and bruise), so that was a good thing.  But, the funnier--and weirder--tale Sis told still has me scratching my head.

Now, all of my life, my mom has been one to do things for people just out of the goodness of her heart.  She would bake a favorite pie for a neighbor, just "because," or offer to help family members do their shopping, clean house, and so forth.  Sometimes, the nice things she did were done because, as mom would say, she felt sorry for the person--that sort of thing.  Well, with her advancing age and dementia, this particular behavioral trait seems to be manifesting itself in rather bizarre ways.

First, it was (and still is) the candy--she has to have a supply of candy on hand at all times to give the aides whenever they come to her room.  I bought her 12 pounds of assorted miniature candies for Christmas, and they are all gone, just a few weeks later.  That's okay, I suppose, but her insistence on giving the aides rewards for their services is a little over-the-top (she also wants pop on hand for the same reason).

Then, it was mom's effort at helping a blind dining companion put jelly on crackers.  Innocent intention, but with potentially disastrous results, since her former dining companion is diabetic.  Mom got moved away from that lady's table to prevent further "jellying" incidents.

So, the latest target of mom's uncontrollable helpfulness is another dining companion who is deaf.  Yesterday, my mom decided that she wanted to give this lady a blanket (who knows why!), so she gave her the blanket at dinnertime.  The lady refused it, and gave it back to my mom, saying she appreciated the thought, but didn't need a blanket.  Mom insisted, and pushed the blanket back toward the lady.  The lady pushed it back; mom pushed it back again.  Lady then puts the blanket on the floor and said she would not take it.   Then, things get weird.  According to the nurse who observed this, my mom apparently took offense at deaf lady's refusal of the blanket and, for whatever reason, threw some piece of food at the lady!  And the lady threw food back at my mom!  (At this point, I'm picturing Animal House, but with everyone in wheelchairs or on oxygen.)  Someone intervened and got them to stop, but my mom was undeterred. 

Instead, she set her sights on the other lady at her table, insisting that she help this lady butter her bread, pour her water, and provide other assistance with Lady #2's food.  Lady #2 has now complained to management that she doesn't want to have my mom at their table anymore, because she doesn't like my mom handling and touching her food.  This particular complaint seems reasonable enough to me, actually.

So...now mom will be moved to yet another table (they're running out of options here--there aren't that many tables left for her to go to), after my sister tries to explain to my mom why they're moving her again.  On the previous four occasions when my mom's seating assignment was changed because her dining companions complained about my mom's behavior, mom goes into a spiral of depression, confusion, anger, and despair.  "What did I do wrong? What did I say? I'm only trying to help..." etc., etc.  I can imagine that mom will perseverate on this issue for weeks and weeks to come.  Oy!

FWIW--I am somewhat skeptical about the 'food fight.'  Mom is so self-conscious that I have a hard time imagining she would do something so potentially embarrassing. Then again, she doesn't take refusal of her generosity very well, so who knows?  Oh, to be a fly on the wall at dinner time...

[msparticularity]

I enjoyed the mental picture of the food fight, too! And, of course, who knows what your mom might be getting up to in this setting; people's normal social constraints tend to loosen with age anyway, and with her health issues and the infantilizing surroundings, who knows what could be going on?

It does sound as if she desperately needs to feel useful/helpful/generous, and needs to be doing it somewhere besides at meals. Is there a social worker there who could help brainstorm about this? Elder care specialists are realizing more and more how important it is for people to maintain some kind of engagement and productivity, and I know some care facilities are doing quite a bit with this.

Alternatively, does anyone at this facility need to be spoon-fed?

[barred_owl]

Hi, MsP.  Good points about the need to feel useful!  Part of the problem is that, apart from meals, my mom doesn't get out very much (her choice--her hearing loss makes her uncomfortable in groups).  So, once she settles in with a group at meals, out come the 'helpful' behaviors.  As far as I know, the facility does not have an in-house social worker and, although there are some people with very limited physical capabilities, I don't think that anyone who uses the dining room requires spoon-feeding (that's a very interesting idea, though).

I think I'll chat with my sister to see if we can come up with something for her to do--that she's capable of--that might make her feel like she's helping someone in some way.   Hmmmm...<light bulb just went on>...maybe clipping coupons.  She loves to do that!  Aren't there charitable organizations that collect coupons to help out others in need?

As far as the food fight goes, the more I think of it, my mom's always been a 'thrower.'  When she'd get really angry, something would go flying--papers, clothes, whatever.  I can imagine that she might have tried to throw down a fork or something, missed, food splattered, and things went downhill from there.  Two deaf women plus one who's partially paralyzed, not communicating effectively...oh yeah, I can see how things could get out of hand!

[balufa]

Being the only son for my parents, I do love them. I think as a son, we should do our responsibility in taking care of them. Btw, I am 33 years old and married to a beautiful wife and has 2 kids. Please cherish all the beautiful moments with them, our life is very precious!

[alleyoxenfree]

Hi, MsP.  Good points about the need to feel useful!  Part of the problem is that, apart from meals, my mom doesn't get out very much (her choice--her hearing loss makes her uncomfortable in groups).  So, once she settles in with a group at meals, out come the 'helpful' behaviors.  As far as I know, the facility does not have an in-house social worker and, although there are some people with very limited physical capabilities, I don't think that anyone who uses the dining room requires spoon-feeding (that's a very interesting idea, though).

I think I'll chat with my sister to see if we can come up with something for her to do--that she's capable of--that might make her feel like she's helping someone in some way.   Hmmmm...<light bulb just went on>...maybe clipping coupons.  She loves to do that!  Aren't there charitable organizations that collect coupons to help out others in need?

As far as the food fight goes, the more I think of it, my mom's always been a 'thrower.'  When she'd get really angry, something would go flying--papers, clothes, whatever.  I can imagine that she might have tried to throw down a fork or something, missed, food splattered, and things went downhill from there.  Two deaf women plus one who's partially paralyzed, not communicating effectively...oh yeah, I can see how things could get out of hand!

Not to encourage her handling of sharp objects, but could she become interested in knitting or crocheting, and in teaching/coaching others to do so?  It doesn't take good hearing, it's a group enterprise that's social but individual, and care centers and hospitals are often looking for caps for cancer patients, or scarves for those hospitalized. 

[barred_owl]

Hi, MsP.  Good points about the need to feel useful!  Part of the problem is that, apart from meals, my mom doesn't get out very much (her choice--her hearing loss makes her uncomfortable in groups).  So, once she settles in with a group at meals, out come the 'helpful' behaviors.  As far as I know, the facility does not have an in-house social worker and, although there are some people with very limited physical capabilities, I don't think that anyone who uses the dining room requires spoon-feeding (that's a very interesting idea, though).

I think I'll chat with my sister to see if we can come up with something for her to do--that she's capable of--that might make her feel like she's helping someone in some way.   Hmmmm...<light bulb just went on>...maybe clipping coupons.  She loves to do that!  Aren't there charitable organizations that collect coupons to help out others in need?

As far as the food fight goes, the more I think of it, my mom's always been a 'thrower.'  When she'd get really angry, something would go flying--papers, clothes, whatever.  I can imagine that she might have tried to throw down a fork or something, missed, food splattered, and things went downhill from there.  Two deaf women plus one who's partially paralyzed, not communicating effectively...oh yeah, I can see how things could get out of hand!

Not to encourage her handling of sharp objects, but could she become interested in knitting or crocheting, and in teaching/coaching others to do so?  It doesn't take good hearing, it's a group enterprise that's social but individual, and care centers and hospitals are often looking for caps for cancer patients, or scarves for those hospitalized. 

No, I kind of doubt the knitting/crochet route would work too well, alley, if only because my mom's never done any knitting/crocheting at all in her life (I'm not sure she would be receptive to learning those skills now).  A good suggestion, though.  For a while, I had hoped she might engage in more art, like painting, but her motor skills have deteriorated pretty badly, and, now, she's developing a serious cataract in one eye, no less.  She loves those coupons, though.  Coupons, the Cavs, and giving things away are her favorite things right now, I guess. 

[seventhyear]

Being the only son for my parents, I do love them. I think as a son, we should do our responsibility in taking care of them. Btw, I am 33 years old and married to a beautiful wife and has 2 kids. Please cherish all the beautiful moments with them, our life is very precious!

I too am an only child, and I do try to cherish Mom.  But when you take on the awesome responsibility of caregiving, it is incredibly stressful and can have effects on your physical and mental health.  For academics like us, many of whom are used to being able to have situations under control, it's even harder.  For those of us in the trenches with our parents, we mean no disrespect, but we need a place to vent, laugh and cry.


I know from what I speak.  I cared for my Dad in the last 4 months of his battle with cancer, helped get Mom set up on her own for the next 3 months, got a month "to myself", then had to "temporarially" move her closer to me to heal an injury - that was 5 months ago with 3 more months of rehab in sight. 

Not all the moments are beautiful, figuring out insurance benefits, hiring reputable help, finding nursing home/assisted facilities that will treat them well, figuring out how to make the nursing home do what they are supposed to without being labeled a "troublemaker" and risking them taking it out on your parent, executing living wills, having an entire SECOND set of financial responsibilities, watching the money trickle (or sometimes gush) out of your parents' nest egg, keeping up with the laundry....

And if it's dementia you're dealing with, it's even more fun.  Trying to figure out how to get all the doctor's appointments scheduled around your classes because you HAVE to be there to get the info to and from the doctors, answering "Where's my purse?" for the 47th time in one afternoon, as you can see, I could go on and on and on...

And somewhere in it all, you realize that you haven't taken care of YOUR OWN dentist, laundry, doctor's appointments etc etc. 

I'm very happy for you and your blessings of your family.  As another only, I pray that you don't land in the dual caregiver role anytime soon, and that when it does happen, that you've got enough support around you to help. 

FY

[seventhyear]

Hi, MsP.  Good points about the need to feel useful!  Part of the problem is that, apart from meals, my mom doesn't get out very much (her choice--her hearing loss makes her uncomfortable in groups).  So, once she settles in with a group at meals, out come the 'helpful' behaviors.  As far as I know, the facility does not have an in-house social worker and, although there are some people with very limited physical capabilities, I don't think that anyone who uses the dining room requires spoon-feeding (that's a very interesting idea, though).

I think I'll chat with my sister to see if we can come up with something for her to do--that she's capable of--that might make her feel like she's helping someone in some way.   Hmmmm...<light bulb just went on>...maybe clipping coupons.  She loves to do that!  Aren't there charitable organizations that collect coupons to help out others in need?

As far as the food fight goes, the more I think of it, my mom's always been a 'thrower.'  When she'd get really angry, something would go flying--papers, clothes, whatever.  I can imagine that she might have tried to throw down a fork or something, missed, food splattered, and things went downhill from there.  Two deaf women plus one who's partially paralyzed, not communicating effectively...oh yeah, I can see how things could get out of hand!

Not to encourage her handling of sharp objects, but could she become interested in knitting or crocheting, and in teaching/coaching others to do so?  It doesn't take good hearing, it's a group enterprise that's social but individual, and care centers and hospitals are often looking for caps for cancer patients, or scarves for those hospitalized. 

No, I kind of doubt the knitting/crochet route would work too well, alley, if only because my mom's never done any knitting/crocheting at all in her life (I'm not sure she would be receptive to learning those skills now).  A good suggestion, though.  For a while, I had hoped she might engage in more art, like painting, but her motor skills have deteriorated pretty badly, and, now, she's developing a serious cataract in one eye, no less.  She loves those coupons, though.  Coupons, the Cavs, and giving things away are her favorite things right now, I guess. 

Gotta love those "laugh and cry" moments in taking care of people with dementia.  I can just imagine the food flying.  I actually think my Mom is about to lead a rebellion in the dining hall over the unchewable fruit.

My Mom is having an issue with one of the ladies at her nursing home/rehab center.  The other woman is in her 40s, a victim of a car accident and seems to have had a traumatic brain injury.  She's a repeater, and about a month ago asked Mom "why do you still wear your wedding ring if your husband is dead?"  Mom can't let it go (and ironically, repeats the story over and over). 

Does her facility have a dementia unit?  She may be getting close to needing to be with staff who are trained to handle/redirect dementia patients.  I fear my Mom will be in a place like that soon. 

Hey, if she loves helping, can you bring her laundry to fold that you can bring back home?  Or something like that?  Just thinking here.