next »

[skinnymargarita]

This went on for about ten minutes. It was very funny (albeit for all of the wrong reasons). She was equally full of joy each time she saw the stove. In hindsight I realized I have never held that level of bliss for such a protracted period of time.

I admire your ability to see the beauty in this situation.

Chime! Keep us posted!

[mended_drum]

When my father became ill a few years ago, I found myself taking back-and-forth eight hour trips, and, to be honest, I was appalled at how sick he was and how little my sister, who lived three hours away, knew about it.  She just didn't visit, and Dad trusted a truly incompetent doctor.  After he died, I packed up all of my mother's belongings and brought her home with me (promising her a kitten as a bribe, the Calico cat mentioned on the herding cats thread).  Then I promptly bought a house, and we settled in.  Everyone I knew had told me never to have my parents live with me, but it's been great.  She's a fantastic housemate, and she's become a college apparel-wearing fixture at my SLAC's football and basketball games and makes sure that I get tickets for various cultural events on campus as well.

Money is not a problem because she doesn't have any.  Not a dime.  Just social security.  If she needs longterm care, she'll qualify for medicaid, and I'll have to be extremely aggressive in making sure that she gets good care.  We drew up a living will and the other documents recommended by my state shortly after she moved here.  So far, we've been lucky.  Arthritis is her major problem with some pretty mild COPD that only gives her trouble in cold weather.  And she has a good doctor whom I trust.

Eventually, things are going to get harder, of course.  My sister feels guilty because she assumes I bear an unfair financial burden and have to spend a lot of time and energy on her care, so she flies Mom down to visit every four or five months for a week or two.  The secret is that I'm the lucky one, 'cause I get Mom.  My only regret is that I didn't get Dad up here too.

[reener06]

Thanks for starting this thread, barred owl; it is quite timely for me. My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 18 months ago, and while we've been coping with that ok (it runs in the family and was not an unexpected diagnosis) she was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer about 6 or 8 weeks ago. That's hit pretty hard, as it's inoperable, although she is getting chemo. The first treatment made her very fatigued, and my Dad, who is doing all the care, thinks it has made the dementia much worse. He, meanwhile, was scheduled to have double knee replacements in January, but this has been put on hold with my Mom's treatments. Their hospital is an hour away b/c they live in a rural area. So far, my sister (oncology nurse) has been doing a lot of the aid, meeting them at the hospital (an hour drive for her); she's also more in communication with other nurse sister and retired paramedic brother. In some ways I feel out of the loop, although I try to keep in touch and I'm doing many more visits. But I'm 8 hours away, with a dissertation to finish and a child to care for.

I guess I just wish I knew what to expect with the cancer treatments in conjunction with the Alzheimer's, but I'm not sure anyone could tell us that. I also wonder what will happen to my Dad when Mom is gone. He's in better health, except for the knees. He can't stay in their large house alone; neither of them can stay there much longer, and they know that. They are making inroads into estate planning, realizing it's necessary. They've bought funeral plots already, but need to do a lot more. We've all tried to offer to help (there are 7 kids) in various stages, but I think it's so overwhelming to them to know where to start, and it's even more so for us. Also, they were always very private about their finances.

Thanks for letting me vent, and thanks for the thread. It's nice to know I'm not alone. And the stove story made me laugh--thanks.

[collegekidsmom]

Hope she can make it for Thanksgiving. That would be so nice.

I am in that limbo-land where all four of my kids grandparents are still alive but getting quite old. They all get around, but have a variety of problems. I remember being close with all of my grandparents growing up, and really wondering how they would all die. They all seemed to be always around-all old-all cherished by me. I couldn't imagine life without those two sets of grandparents at every gathering, every holiday. Now I have the same strange feeling again.

I am wondering about long term care insurance for myself. None of the four grandparents currently have it-I really do wonder what will happen soon enough, and whether not having this insurance will prove to be a mistake.

[digger]

Just checking in - Mother (93 - with the new stove) passed away this morning. Father found her unconscious in the bathroom, emergency crew got her heart started again. After arrival at the ER she had no brain activity. Quick family conference and - since I had medical power of attorney - I had to call a DNR. It was not unexpected but still a hard call to make. She passed quietly with people that loved her. I am more concerned for my father right now. He feels so alone.

[barred_owl]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this news, digger.  My sympathy to you and your family, especially under such difficult circumstances.  You will be in my thoughts.

[secretweapon]

Thinking of you and your father, Digger.

[oseph]

Same here, Digger.

[reener06]

So sorry to hear that Digger. Thanks for showing an example of dealing with it with grace and dignity. You were taught well.

[gloxinia]

I'm so sorry digger. It is a hard time for the whole family but especially the surviving spouse ... just a really difficult adjustment. Your dad is lucky to have you though. Again, I'm truly sorry for your loss

[undergrad11]

I am so sorry for your loss Digger.  I just lost both my grandmothers exactly 3 weeks apart from one another a few weeks ago. Best of luck in trying to finish the end of the semester.

[barred_owl]

There are days and then there are days...This afternoon, hubby and I went for a short visit to my mom's, and to deliver the Christmas wreath I made for her.  I'd shown her the prototype on Thanksgiving, and she just loved it--got all teary-eyed and saying how beautiful it was.  So, in the week or so since, I finished the wreath, which has a set of six small picture frames wired into it.  The pictures are of my sister and me (at ages 2 and 4, respectively), her granddaughter and grandson when they were little, and her great-granddaughter and great-grandson (who are still little).  On T-day, mom was able to identify each of the faces in the pictures with 100% accuracy.

I brought the wreath in today and showed it to her up close.  She pointed to each picture--and got every single one of them wrong.  She thought my sister was me, that the person in my picture was her (my mom), that the grandkids were the great-grandkids, and couldn't say who the great-grandkids were.  Oy!  So, I tried to make sure she knew who was who, but I'm not sure she was convinced.

Nevertheless, I hung the wreath on her door.  She still thinks it's beautiful, but who knows if she'll be able to identify the people in the pictures if someone should ask.  Ah well, at least she still thinks I'm nicer to her than my sister... heh.

[systeme_d_]

I live about 16 hours away from my parents.  They're both very vibrant and extremely active people.  He's in his mid 70s, she's in her late 60s.

On Sunday, when I spoke to them on the phone, my father told me the very same story he did last week, and the week before.  When he handed the phone to my mother, I told her to take him to the doc to get things checked out.  She told me that such things have been happening with greater frequency, and she didn't think it was that big a deal, but she'd look into it.

Is it true that if you catch small signs of memory loss early that sometimes it can be addressed medically?  If I insist, she will surely take him to the doc for a screening.  Should I?

[barred_owl]

I think there are either pharmaceutical or other therapeutic interventions, like certain kinds of occupational therapy, that can help slow down some forms of memory loss, systeme_d, especially if the memory loss has not been triggered by some form of trauma.  I know that Aricept is often prescribed for Alzheimer's patients, but I'm not sure if it's recommended for early stages/early memory loss. 

Nevertheless, a screening couldn't hurt, especially if your mom has been noticing the changes in your dad's memory lately.  Perhaps if you pose the suggestion as just a precautionary one, both of your parents will be inclined to follow through with it?  Here's hoping they will, at least.

[systeme_d_]

Thanks, Barred_owl.   I thought there might be some potential for meds or therapy, but I've not researched it.

There won't be any problems in getting her to take him to the doc.  He'll complain for ten minutes, and then do what she says.  ;)