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[compdoc]

How does your spouse (if applicable) handle this? One of my greatest fears is that I will be forced to choose between spouse (whose well-off parents will never need our help, and who has told me repeatedly that our own family comes before my parents) and parents.

My situation is probably significantly different from yours. My parents are not willing to come to our home. That was one of the suggestions. My husband wasn't thrilled about it, but he was more supportive of that than our moving in with them, which was another suggestion.

If something happens to my father, we may well end up caring for my mother. On the other hand, if something happens to Mom, both my sisters would have a fight over who "got" Dad. ... So I don't have to worry about that.

Right now I take care of my folks usually two weekends a month and one week over Christmas break. I assume I'll be caring for them over the summer when I am not teaching, as well.

My husband isn't thrilled about that time away from home, especially when it is on top of conferences, but it works out okay.

I cannot imagine having to choose between the two and I am sorry that is an issue you may have to deal with.

[barred_owl]

Hope things are going smoothly enough for everyone here.  Any problems caused by the snowstorms, as they relate to helping out mom or dad?

I just wanted to share one of those "can't do anything but laugh" stories.  I've mentioned before that my mom is the queen of coupon-clipping.  She pores over her favorite grocery store ad for hours at a time, every single day, circling virtually everything in the ad, whether it's something she could use or not.  During my visit today, I noticed that she had circled Milk Bone biscuits as something she wanted (she does not have a dog).  The subsequent conversation went something like this (using pseudonyms to protect the innocent):

Me:  Why do you need Milk Bone dog biscuits?
Mom:  <looking at me like I'd just asked the dumbest question she'd ever heard> For those people who have the dogs!
Me:  Which people?
Mom:  <pauses a moment> You know, the ones who had the dogs at Christmas.  Jane [my niece] has that dog, and someone else has one, too.
Me:  Do you mean Diane [my sister]?
Mom:  Diane doesn't have a dog!  Where'd you get that idea?  Diane doesn't have a dog.
Me:  Yes, she does.  Do you remember Max from Christmas?  That's Diane's dog.
Mom:  Oh, I thought Max died about 10 years ago.  He had that big lump on his back.  I thought he died.
Me:  No, Max is still alive.  You petted him for about 3 hours on Christmas Eve.
<pause>
Mom:  Are you sure?  <another pause> Well, I just wanted to get those dogs a present. 
 

At least she seemed in good spirits, if a bit confused about whose dog belonged to whom.  She also showed me the bruises on her hands and knees (definitely not funny!) that she incurred after deciding to go for a walk across her apartment to get some tape (she has an obsession with tape, too).  I guess she stood up, took half a step, and down she went.  Luckily, someone heard the 'thud' and came to help her right away, and she wasn't seriously hurt, but it was still another one of those close calls that my sister and I dread.

[seventhyear]

I hate to admit it, but the snow has given me a bit of respite.  It's too lousy out to try to take her around in the wheelchair, and I've used the "lousy roads" excuse to skip a few days of visits.  I've tended to several things here at home, and it feels really good.  It's probably wrong how much I'm hoping for/looking forward to a snow day tomorrow. 

We've got a "family meeting" at the nursing home on Thursday to discuss dietary issues.  I'm also going to make some noise about the deathtrap wheelchair (I need to blog about that one) and the interpretation of "air permeable dressing".  I think I'm done being nice and understanding with these schmoes.

[barred_owl]

May the force be with you at the meeting Thursday, fifthyear!  As if worrying about our parents isn't enough in and of itself, it's doubly frustrating to always have to be playing watchdog over the caregivers.  Feel free to vent about the deathtrap wheelchair and the dressing issue (I'm picturing not so nice things going on under that dressing, unfortunately).

But, whatever happens Thursday, don't feel bad about not being able to visit every day, especially in this weather--as others have said, you have to take care of yourself (including emotionally) in order to take care of your loved ones, too.  Take a breather--you've certainly earned it!

[seventhyear]

Feel free to vent about the deathtrap wheelchair and the dressing issue (I'm picturing not so nice things going on under that dressing, unfortunately).

Vent?  I did better, I blogged! 
http://drupsidedown.blogspot.com/

[barred_owl]

Thanks for sharing that, fifthyear!  I'm sorry you had such a frightening experience, though.  FWIW, and if it gives you any satisfaction at all, could you consider reporting the snow-blocked wheelchair ramp at the accountants' office?  I think regulations vary, but in my state, there are pretty steep penalties for not maintaining accessibility to businesses (heck, you can be fined if you don't keep your home sidewalk clear!).  It won't help you or your mom, but maybe it can help protect someone else from serious injury--or worse.

[seventhyear]

Oh I did.  The accountant's receptionist almost had a heart attack.

[compdoc]

Wow, fifthyear. Those wheelchair stories were hairy.

Not living in a snow area, I hadn't even thought about the wheelchair ramps being covered in snow.  That's something for me to be grateful for.

[madame_librarian]

My mother was officially diagnosed with dementia last summer.  She's not been well for some time but we didn't figure out how unwell she was for probably a year or so.

Anyway, a friend of mine alerted me to a type of dementia that can account for 6% or so of all dementias.  And it's somewhat reversible (some people recover almost completely after treatment).  It's called normal pressure hydrocephalus.  The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke has an easy-to-read page describing it: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/normal_pressure_hydrocephalus/normal_pressure_hydrocephalus.htm

3 things to look for: problems walking (unsteadiness, etc.); behavior changes (agitation, anxiety); and urinary incontinence.  These are also Alzheimer's symptons (NPH is frequently misdiagnosed as Alzheimer's). 

I'm not getting any false hopes.  I just want to be certain we know what my mom's diagnosis is.  She has a good doctor, but I never heard them say they ruled NPH out.  I'm going to ask my mother's doctor about it since, what the heck, why not.  It's been a pretty rough 9 months so far and we're just at the beginning stages.  If a simple test can determine that it is or isn't NPH, then I want to do it.  And if she's been misdiagnosed, I will be first in line to drive her to the hospital for the surgery.

[mathofsorts]

Partly I am posting to keep track of the thread, partly just to be awed at everyones attitude and care for family (and support of friends here).  My SO is in our hometown to visit grandmother (matriarch of the family). She broke a hip a year ago and is slowly going down hill. Meanwhile, our parents are getting older...

Reading this has been important - thanks to all.

[barred_owl]

I just thought I'd share a little ray of sunshine from mom-land.  Unbelievably, she wants to go on a facility-sponsored field trip to a nearby botanical garden's rainforest exhibit!  I signed her up, and my sister will give her the $7.00 for admission and pizza afterwards.  Now, all we have to do is hope that one of the other registrant's will cancel (the bus was full, but I put her name on the list as an alternate).  I was shocked--shocked, I tell you--that Mom actually wanted to go somewhere off-site!!  She is generally seeming a bit more interested in some of the facility's activities these days, too.  It's going on a little over two years that she's been there, and this is the first time she's wanted to participate without being encouraged to do so.  Baby steps, baby steps...

[gennimom]

Cool, Barred Owl!

I guess I'll start posting Pop's travails here since they aren't all venting for now. He goes to have some tests tomorrow and get his staples out. He has to leave the house by 4:15 am. Ugh. Then, on Tuesday, he goes to see the oncologist, I'm guessing to figure out when he starts the chemo. Here's hoping...

[barred_owl]

Best wishes to your Pop, GM.  That early departure time is a bear.  You'd think that there would be some consideration that people who are ailing might actually need, oh, I dunno, some sleep or something.  Anyway, I wish him well over this next stretch.

[gennimom]

Well, now we know the reason for that early departure time. They were putting in his port for the chemo. I would like to blame the doc for us not knowing this, but I'm willing to bet Mom or Pop didn't understand and so didn't pass on the correct information. Ai yi yi.

They'll let him come home shortly.

Thanks, Barred Owl.

[compdoc]

Gennimom, I would bet that your parents not understanding was the issue.

We can't let either of my folks talk to their doctors without us because they don't reliably remember what the doctor said. Or they'll latch on one part "The cancer will come back" and not the other part "but it could be decades from now."

I'm not saying that I don't do the same thing, just that I can usually figure out the part I was ignoring. Mom and Dad really can't anymore.