next »

[compdoc]

Barred_Owl, It sounds like things are very difficult for your mom right now, and by extension for you. I am sorry.

I hope you can do what someone mentioned up-thread and laugh at the craziness. Yes, Animal House in wheelchairs is something I can totally see.

My father was able to get into physical therapy and he is getting better again. He went into such a depression when he was close to hitting the first year anniversary after his stroke and he wasn't back to normal. Unfortunately, he probably never will be, but he can definitely still be better than he is.

So now we have to hope PT feels like he is making progress so they won't kick him out again. OT definitely feels like he is making progress. The old OT people just weren't willing to wait for Dad's nerves to regenerate. But they did! Jumping up and down for joy over that!

[barred_owl]

Compdoc, so glad to hear that your dad is making progress with the OT and PT.  It's wonderful that, at the biological level, he's doing so well, too.  Small victories, right?!

Fifthyear, I wish you strength in managing all that's on your plate right now--with your mom, the car troubles and pet expenses, and everything else that you have to do to keep on keepin' on.  Don't forget, though, that it's okay to do something just for you every so often, too--even if that's just sequestering a few minutes here and there to go for a walk, cat nap, read a few pages in a good novel, or whatever.  ((((hugs)))) to you to help tide you over until you can take one of those well-deserved and necessary breaks.

I think I'll go visit mom tomorrow morning, since there's a basketball game on tonight and it's virtually impossible to direct her attention to anything else when the Cavs are playing.  Besides, she enjoys the jelly donut I bring her every now and then.

There isn't a separate dementia unit at her AL facility and, to my knowledge, none of the staff have specific training in dealing with dementia patients, unfortunately.  At least the staff here are all nice and try to be as helpful as possible.  Now, if only we could keep them from parking her wheelchair too close to her recliner, and not bang her elbows into the walls...

Oh, and fifthyear--I know exactly what you mean about the 'repeating' phenomenon!  It's been at least 6 months since my BIL failed to deliver a carload of unnecessary groceries that my mom requested (he never had any intention of doing so--um, Ma, you can't cook a full-sized pizza in your tiny microwave, even if you could get up and walk to your kitchenette to do so), but mom still insists that he's just driving around the countryside with her groceries for some reason.  Sheesh!

[stitch]

Hey, if she loves helping, can you bring her laundry to fold that you can bring back home?  Or something like that?  Just thinking here.

And keep in mind, it's about therapy.  The task doesn't necessarily have to be helpful to anyone else.  So bring her a basket of towels.  After she folds them, take them away.  Mess them up and bring them to her to fold again.  If she wants to clip coupons, don't worry whether someone else can use them. 

I buy my (mentally ill, institutionalized) mother lots of little wooden cutouts when they go on sale at craft stores.  She paints them and gives them away as gifts.  It keeps her occupied and satisfies her need to give a gift to staff members and visitors and so forth.  And they are small enough they can accept them.

[barred_owl]

Stitch--I love the idea of painting the wooden cut-outs!  I have a ton (gallons?) of craft paint that I could spare, lots of brushes and such...hmmmm, might be on to something here!  Thanks for the idea.  With Valentine's day coming up, maybe I'll make a run to the local craft store and see what they have.  As long as she remembers to ask the aides to refresh the water for her, she could at least give some simple painting a try.  Or, I could spend a couple of hours now and then painting with her, too.  Fabulous idea!

Meanwhile, my mom seemed in good spirits on Sunday morning.  She was on a roll, talking so much that  I couldn't get a (written) word in edgewise!  She was busy sorting through her coupons the whole time, of course.  She found one for a subscription to Woman's Day magazine and kept hinting that she'd really like to order it, so I ended up taking the coupon home and sending it in for her.  That's good, in my view, since it shows that her interests go beyond coupons and the Cavaliers--in fact, I was a little surprised to hear her say that she wanted the magazine to "...help keep [her] mind off of other things."  I have a feeling that my $7.99 will be well-spent.

The other thing that made me chuckle is that Mom complained that my sister wouldn't bring her a pizza.  I think my sister thought she meant a frozen pizza that Mom would have no way of preparing, but what Mom really meant was that she would like to have a fresh, hot piece of pizza or two someday, since they never serve pizza at her facility.  Easy enough!  Hubby and I will pick up a pizza and take it over one of these evenings--again, a few dollars well-spent, I think.

[seventhyear]

Getting my Mom out to eat is a huge thing we do for her. 

Good suggestion on the cutouts.

You can no doubt put the bags of cut out coupons on freecycle.

[compdoc]

Barred-Owl, The pizza mix up sounds like something that would happen with my dad. He'd ask for something and we would assume we knew what he was asking for and ignore it.

Glad you figured out your mother just wanted some hot pizza. I know I would miss it if I never got any.

[barred_owl]

Barred-Owl, The pizza mix up sounds like something that would happen with my dad. He'd ask for something and we would assume we knew what he was asking for and ignore it.

Glad you figured out your mother just wanted some hot pizza. I know I would miss it if I never got any.

I know!  A life without pizza is almost unimaginable!  My mom complains sometimes about the food at her place--I mean, you can only have mashed potatoes or overcooked broccoli (omg, that place must serve soggy broccoli five nights a week!) so many times before it gets boring, right?  It just made sense that she was asking for something a little different.  And, as fifthyear said, having a meal once in a while that is shared with family rather than relative strangers would mean an awful lot to anyone in similar circumstances, I'm sure.  Last New Year's day, hubby and I took over a basket with cabbage rolls, bread, potatoes, and dessert, and my Mom had a great time having dinner with us in her room.  I think maybe my new NY's resolution will be to do something like this at least once a month or so, since Mom seems to enjoy it so much.

[knitknat]

So my parents aren't exactly elderly (at mid-50s, they are younger than many forumites), but I am hoping that some of the posters to this thread have already been through my situation and can offer advice. How do you talk to your adult parents about retirement planning?

Mom and Dad have never had much money, in accordance with their HS diplomas, early marriage, and 4 kids.
Over the last few years, I have had several conversations with Mom about retirement. She HATES talking about money, and Dad simply doesn't talk. From what she has let slip, they have no investments, no IRAs, no savings or emergency fund. Just her 401k that she has been putting the minimum into for the last 15 years. And Social Security, of course, which she thinks will save them.

House: a piece of garbage, falling apart mobile home on a couple of very valuable acres near a large metropolitan area. Debt: a lot, but she won't disclose. I know they have some serious credit card debt, but she won't tell me. She fully expects to retire at age 62. On what, I ask her?

Her reply: "Oh, you kids will take care of us." Meaning me, as none of my siblings have financial stability either.

How do you get your adults parents to face their money problems and plan for retirement? (Short of chaining them to a chair in front of the Suze Orman show). I can't make Mom show me her financials, but I've done a darn good job of educating myself financially over the last 15 years, and I want to help her plan for retirement and make sure their will is up to date, etc.

This is somewhat timely b/c they just became a two-income household again after nearly 2 decades, and I think they are blowing the money instead of figuring out how to save/invest it.

[oseph]

So my parents aren't exactly elderly (at mid-50s, they are younger than many forumites), but I am hoping that some of the posters to this thread have already been through my situation and can offer advice. How do you talk to your adult parents about retirement planning?

Mom and Dad have never had much money, in accordance with their HS diplomas, early marriage, and 4 kids.
Over the last few years, I have had several conversations with Mom about retirement. She HATES talking about money, and Dad simply doesn't talk. From what she has let slip, they have no investments, no IRAs, no savings or emergency fund. Just her 401k that she has been putting the minimum into for the last 15 years. And Social Security, of course, which she thinks will save them.

House: a piece of garbage, falling apart mobile home on a couple of very valuable acres near a large metropolitan area. Debt: a lot, but she won't disclose. I know they have some serious credit card debt, but she won't tell me. She fully expects to retire at age 62. On what, I ask her?

Her reply: "Oh, you kids will take care of us." Meaning me, as none of my siblings have financial stability either.

How do you get your adults parents to face their money problems and plan for retirement? (Short of chaining them to a chair in front of the Suze Orman show). I can't make Mom show me her financials, but I've done a darn good job of educating myself financially over the last 15 years, and I want to help her plan for retirement and make sure their will is up to date, etc.

This is somewhat timely b/c they just became a two-income household again after nearly 2 decades, and I think they are blowing the money instead of figuring out how to save/invest it.

I don't know what to tell you, but I'm in a similar boat.  Parents have a wreck of a house and a massive mortgage, some credit card debt, and one of my brothers has emotional disabilities that, at least now, keep him from working and living independently.  I know my father (who has just undergone a career upheaval in his sixties - mother can't work b/c of health problems) has borrowed against his retirement, but I don't know how much, nor do I know anything about how much debt they have.  They live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes they have trouble doing even that.  If I try to talk to them about any of this, my mother gets overly-agitated and pleads with me to leave her alone, and my father just reassures me that he won't leave me a mess and asks me not to upset him by talking about it.  People in my father's side of the family live well into their nineties, and my brother is going to need lifelong care unless he gets better help for his mental problems, which currently he is not.  It is possible that my father will inherit a small amount of money from his mother, but it is more likely that she will leave it all to her oldest son (the 'troubled' one).  All I can say is YUCK, good luck, and let me know if you come up with a solution.

[mended_drum]

I don't know what to tell you, but I'm in a similar boat.  Parents have a wreck of a house and a massive mortgage, some credit card debt, and one of my brothers has emotional disabilities that, at least now, keep him from working and living independently.  I know my father (who has just undergone a career upheaval in his sixties - mother can't work b/c of health problems) has borrowed against his retirement, but I don't know how much, nor do I know anything about how much debt they have.  They live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes they have trouble doing even that.  If I try to talk to them about any of this, my mother gets overly-agitated and pleads with me to leave her alone, and my father just reassures me that he won't leave me a mess and asks me not to upset him by talking about it.  People in my father's side of the family live well into their nineties, and my brother is going to need lifelong care unless he gets better help for his mental problems, which currently he is not.  It is possible that my father will inherit a small amount of money from his mother, but it is more likely that she will leave it all to her oldest son (the 'troubled' one).  All I can say is YUCK, good luck, and let me know if you come up with a solution.

You cannot force your parents either to handle money well or to let you handle it for them.  My parents ended up, in their sixties, with no assets other than a broken down car.  They lived in a government-sponsored retirement home that scaled rent based on income, and they had social security only.  They also had an old tax debt they could not pay off.  When my dad became seriously ill, they ended up on medicaid.  I used to quietly "loan" my father money, even in grad school, with no expectation he'd be able to pay it back.

My sister and I knew, by the time we were teens, that our parents would undoubtedly end up living with one of us in the end.  There are really only two choices:  take care of them or let them try to take care of themselves.

After my father passed away, I moved my mother in with me.  Now her social security pays for her car insurance and other expenses, and she contributes a bit for food and rent at my place.  It was an adjustment, but, honestly, she's a great housemate.  Her health is still very good, and she lets me handle financial stuff she doesn't understand, something my father would never have allowed.  If she becomes seriously ill, tough decisions will have to be made, and I'm sure my sister will contribute financially if she's able.  But mom is my responsibility now, and I accept that. 

Honestly, my parents were terrific parents.  They were simply very bad at finances (and once or twice extremely unlucky).  I have enough friends who seem to have hostile relationships with parents or in-laws that I wouldn't trade mine for parents with more money and less love and understanding.

[oseph]

I'm okay with my parents being who they are, but I do feel some weird compunction to protect Mr. Oseph from the fallout.  I've been honest with him about the situation.  At first he was kind of angry, especially since his parents were very responsible with money.  I uncovered the extent of the situation when my mother failed to make payments on an undergraduate loan she had insisted on paying while I was in graduate school.  Mr. Oseph and I both were upset that she had just skipped payments without telling us (and to be fair it was the first time this had happened), but we just took over the loan and that was the end of that.  He fretted a bit about the financial nightmare they may leave behind, but as he pointed out, they provide immense emotional support and are very non-judgmental, so we will just hire a lawyer and an accountant to help us sort out the mess when it gets to that point, which I hope is years from now.  He also was, at first, shocked to realize that we may end up supporting one or both parents and one of my brothers, but then again he reasoned that family is family, and that's just what we have to do if it gets to that point.  He is being very kind about this, but I still have some guilt about saddling him with this burden.  Then again, I guess that's what husbands are for, and most of you know what I put up with from his family, so I guess it's all the same in the end.

<interthreaduality aside> My tired mind/fingers just typed parentings.  I guess I could have left it if we were on that other thread.  It's witty.

[knitknat]

mended_drum: I am completely with you on the "great at parenting/ bad at finances" thought. That's why I want to help, because I feel like they sacrificed a lot for me and were loving, supportive parents. If they weren't, I could care less how they blow their money.

How does your spouse (if applicable) handle this? One of my greatest fears is that I will be forced to choose between spouse (whose well-off parents will never need our help, and who has told me repeatedly that our own family comes before my parents) and parents.

on preview: Exactly what you said, Oseph.

[oseph]

mended_drum: I am completely with you on the "great at parenting/ bad at finances" thought. That's why I want to help, because I feel like they sacrificed a lot for me and were loving, supportive parents. If they weren't, I could care less how they blow their money.

How does your spouse (if applicable) handle this? One of my greatest fears is that I will be forced to choose between spouse (whose well-off parents will never need our help, and who has told me repeatedly that our own family comes before my parents) and parents.

on preview: Exactly what you said, Oseph.

I can kind of answer that from my perspective.  We cannot give or lend money to my family now, especially because we have a special-needs child, and we have no money to give or lend.  They would not take it if we offered it.  At some point we will have to take in my brother and possibly one parent.  It is easier for us to process that because likely it is in the distant rather than near future, barring catastrophe.  If we had to take them in right now?  It would be very hard, and I am not sure how we would negotiate that.

I can tell you the breakthrough I had with Mr. Oseph.  I finally admitted to him that it was humiliating when we had conversations about parents and money, because I recognized that my parents were horrible with it and his were great.  I told him it was very hard to hear him make contempt-filled statements about my parents' financial decisions, especially as I was utterly aware of their failings in that department.  I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned.  He responded by realizing that my parents contribute emotional support that his family often does not, and that we are a team, we love each other, and he apologized for making me feel bad about my parents.  It has led to more honest and caring conversations about parental finances and failings.  Also we have so many other things to worry about now, and there is so little I can do about it, I have put that worry on the back burner as a bridge to cross when we come to it.

[homebiz]

I was in the same city as my dad when he needed care and was in his nineties.  I am glad I was here, although, both of my brothers live far away.  I always thought it was harder on my sister and I, being here, but I think you are showing there is another side to it.  It must be a frustrating and scary feeling being so far away.  I would imagine there's also some guilt.

[mended_drum]

How does your spouse (if applicable) handle this? One of my greatest fears is that I will be forced to choose between spouse (whose well-off parents will never need our help, and who has told me repeatedly that our own family comes before my parents) and parents.

I am not currently married.  It used to cause mostly envy on my part, especially when the parents of an SO or close friends were doing things like giving them house down payments as wedding gifts or paying off student loans.  This week my mom has made me five hats, in all different colors, however, one for each coat or jacket I own.  She's started on coordinating scarves.  Who could be sweeter?

Which reminds me.  She's using this thing called "Krafty Knitter" which is a device for people who can't knit.  In spite of her arthritis, she's whipping these things out.  If anyone has shut in parents without a lot of dexterity, I strongly recommend finding these things for them.
They've spread from the craft shops to Wal-Mart, so they're apparently getting popular.