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[barred_owl]

Hello, all.  I just re-visited the "What will you be like in old age" thread and was advised by the virtual powers-that-be that it might be better to start a new thread rather than dredge up an old one.

So, I'm starting a new thread devoted to discussing the issues that surround the care of elderly parents--something many have already endured, are currently dealing with, or will have to address at some point in the future.  Please share your stories (funny, sad, or otherwise), advice, and thoughts of support here.  Most of us will have to deal with the issue, in one way or another, in our lives, so I think a thread on this topic could be of value to most anyone.  Dive in!

I'll share some stories of my Mom's sometimes whack-a-doodle recent adventures, but I'd like to gauge interest in the topic before thrilling you all with the latest news! ;)

[colette_capricious]

I'm interested.

Right now it's not something I'm dealing with in my life, though my parents are 78 (mom) and 71 (dad) and my father isn't well. Unfortunately, I live 3,000 miles away even when I'm in the states. Right now, I'm an ocean away.

Two of my siblings live close by but one just had her first baby 7 weeks early (baby's great but in the hospital for a few weeks) and the other one has three young kids and zero money and lives about two hours away now.  He's been great in the past though. Co-dependency has some benefits, I guess!

This year is a little scary for me because I was always available to fly and stay for a few weeks at time should the need arise. I can't do that until after school is over now. I worry about what will happen but I won't borrow trouble.

[barred_owl]

I have a feeling, colette, that the distance issue will loom large for many forumites.  Thanks for sharing your circumstances, and chime in whenever you can!

For the time being, I'm a 10-minute drive from where my mom's living, but that could change, depending on my future employment prospects.  My sister--who is much better off financially than I--is paying for the lion's share of Mom's assisted living expenses, for the time being.  Sis lives within a 2-minute drive when she isn't traveling for her job.  We can tag-team our visits, but one of the challenges we face is convincing Mom's friends to visit as well.  Several of them did so when she was first admitted to the assisted living facility, but--almost two years later--the frequency of those visits has declined substantially.  Short of "guilting" her friends into visiting, I'm not sure what we can do about that. 

For now, I have to chuckle when Mom tells me that she likes me better than my sister, even though my sister is shelling out big bucks to support Mom's continued care.  I guess those cups of McDonald's hot chocolate that I bring her make all the difference!

[skinnymargarita]

I almost hate to post here as I do so little to "care" for my folks, they live about 9 hours away by car. Even though they are both retired, they don't travel here much but rather to their timeshare or Florida for the winter. It is hard to not get to see them much as they get older. I talk to them often, mom more than dad. (They are both re-married and live a mile apart). I have a hard time getting up there with my schedule and teaching restrictions.

My hubby's folks are both gone now and watching him lose them woke me up to take time to talk/call/visit? but the visiting part hasn't happened. Work makes it difficult and hubby has a hard time joining me. They all have health issues but remain positive about their future. So that is my story, I will chime in as I can!

[tamiam]

There are many many choices I've over the past several years that I've come to regret. Making the sacrifices necessary to live near my parents will never be one of them. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to pursue my career from a home base 2 miles away. Up till now, they have "cared" for me and my kids, but as my Dad's health has taken a dive I can see the day coming when I'll have an opportunity to give back to them.

I have a question. How many forumites do estate planning with your folks? In our family, the name of the game is that one generation goes to the grave without a penny; any assets are transferred to the (usually 50-60 year old) "children" when the first spouse dies.

[neutralname]

It's an issue of constant concern for me.  Both parents across the Atlantic, both in poor health.  Indeed, both regularly talk about welcoming death.  They also both live on their own, and have no interest in moving to any other place populated by other old people.

One of the main difficulties is working out ways to help them -- especially my mother who is always vague about her medical problems and not good at following doctors orders.  I recently found that she isn't taking the codeine for her joint pain, because she thinks it causes incontinence, which it does not.  Her quality of life has gone down significantly in the last couple of years, and she needs help, but she also makes it very difficult for others to help her.  At some point my siblings and I may have to force her to move to somewhere else, but we are trying to explore all the alternatives before doing that.

[skinnymargarita]

There are many many choices I've over the past several years that I've come to regret. Making the sacrifices necessary to live near my parents will never be one of them. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to pursue my career from a home base 2 miles away. Up till now, they have "cared" for me and my kids, but as my Dad's health has taken a dive I can see the day coming when I'll have an opportunity to give back to them.

I have a question. How many forumites do estate planning with your folks? In our family, the name of the game is that one generation goes to the grave without a penny; any assets are transferred to the (usually 50-60 year old) "children" when the first spouse dies.

Mom and I do not do estate planning per se, but we have talked. She has a will and that is that. I know she is helping my kids finish college (sweet!) and I am ok with her doing what she wants with her money right now. She is able to think clearly and make good decisions. I would not like it if her mind becomes less stable and thinking is not clear. My grandma (on dad's side had alzheimer's). Some of those decisions can be hard to make for the family, especially at a distance.

My dad and step-mom never talk money. Step-mom a lot younger than dad with nieces and nephew in the picture that will probably get my inheritance. Who knows. Why is it that people get so possessive over money? It is the cause of many problems in families when a parent dies. My mom still has a sister that won't talk to her since their mom died probably 10 years ago.

I just re-did our will, at a tune of about 800 bucks. Not wanting to do that very often, but it was 20+ years old and not at all what we wanted for our money, so worth it.

 I like your idea of transferring the money when the first spouse dies, but then who takes care of the remaining bills for the other spouse. Sounds like a lot of work to me!

[digger]

One of the reasons I took my current position is to be close to my 93 year old parents. Due to a combination of parents pride (father wouldn’t deal with it), sibling interference, and unraveling a lifetime of finances it was difficult to finally pull together a plan for them. We now have established power of attorney - financial/medical, wills, interment, and scenarios where a DNR would be issued. It was a very uncomfortable experience for all but absolutely necessary. I am very worried about their long term finances and now bring up the topic with my father on a regular basis – he gets crabby but eventually relents…

You really do have to keep a sense of humor & perspective about these things. My mother has dementia. Her body is just starting to deteriorate but her memory is pretty well gone. Sometimes, she will forget the beginning of a sentence before finishing it. A couple of weeks ago my wife and I bought them a new stove (the old one was a firetrap) & range hood and installed it. She, of course, forgot we were coming up – and the reason why - and was surprised to see us.

Then she noticed the stove and was ecstatic!  She turned to us to ask us about the unit and asked why we came up.

Then she noticed the stove and was ecstatic!  She turned to us to ask us about the unit and asked why we came up.

Then she noticed the stove and was ecstatic!  She turned to us to ask us about the unit and asked why we came up.

This went on for about ten minutes. It was very funny (albeit for all of the wrong reasons). She was equally full of joy each time she saw the stove. In hindsight I realized I have never held that level of bliss for such a protracted period of time.

We are now looking for a refrigerator to give them.

[skinnymargarita]

In hindsight I realized I have never held that level of bliss for such a protracted period of time.

We are now looking for a refrigerator to give them.

I look forward to the installation post following the refrigerator gift. Thanks for the smiles!

[zuzu_]

This went on for about ten minutes. It was very funny (albeit for all of the wrong reasons). She was equally full of joy each time she saw the stove. In hindsight I realized I have never held that level of bliss for such a protracted period of time.

I admire your ability to see the beauty in this situation.

[ms_turtle]

Then she noticed the stove and was ecstatic!  She turned to us to ask us about the unit and asked why we came up.

This went on for about ten minutes. It was very funny (albeit for all of the wrong reasons). She was equally full of joy each time she saw the stove. In hindsight I realized I have never held that level of bliss for such a protracted period of time.

We are now looking for a refrigerator to give them.

My dad tried to turn on the television with the phone -- a white, corded model.

[barred_owl]

My mom, too, is suffering dementia (coupled with depression).  There are some days when it's anybody's guess where some of her ideas come from, and she tends to get stuck on certain issues. 

Lately, she's been obsessed with reading the local grocery store ads and ordering my sister to go on grocery runs for her.  She tosses the rest of the newspaper and can spend a whole day or two just scanning the grocery store ads.  Then, she places her "order":  frozen pizzas, cuts of meat, stockpiles of canned goods, and pretty much anything that is on sale in multiples (5 for $10, e.g.).  The only problem with this plan?  She only has a microwave and a refrigerator, and cannot use them because she is non-ambulatory (needs assistance even to get into her wheelchair).  When my sister tries to explain why she doesn't need the frozen pizzas or 20 cans of tomato paste, Mom gets really upset--I mean really upset.  Currently, her favorite lament is that my sister and brother-in-law are "...driving around all over the place with 3 months' worth of my groceries in their cars."  That notion keeps us in stitches--yep, we've taken your groceries hostage, ma, and you can't get them back until you fork over some more coupons!

[barred_owl]

I hope this doesn't count as a double post.  If so, my apologies.  I do hope that some of the events related here (and in others' posts) will help anyone dealing with elderly parents, whether now or farther down the road.

Just got word from my sister that my mother may be experiencing some aspiration-related pneumonia.  There hasn't been a formal diagnosis yet (an LPN from the facility says mom's got a sinus infection and a cold), but my sister reports that Mom is showing all the symptoms of aspiration pneumonia--pale coloration, runny nose, coughing every time she takes a drink or a bite of food, teary eyes, etc.  This is not good.  The last time my mom fell and had to be hospitalized, she was intubated for nearly a week, and her throat and associated musculature has never fully recovered from that procedure; those side effects leave her vulnerable to pneumonia, which is a very serious problem in the elderly.  We're hoping that Mom's doc might provide a more assertive diagnosis and treatment if, indeed, it is pneumonia.

One consequence of the cold/sinus infection/pneumonia is a constant runny nose problem.  Apparently, the runny nose thing got so bad the other day that the ladies seated at Mom's table in the dining room asked to have Mom moved to another table because they couldn't enjoy their meals seeing Mom's runny-nosiness.  I guess it didn't occur to them to offer her a Kleenex or ask for someone to lend a hand!  So, instead, Mom got moved, and doesn't know why.  She was really upset at being relocated--to the point of breaking down crying because she doesn't know what she did that was so wrong.  I swear, sometimes some older people revert to junior high behavior and don't realize how hurtful that behavior can be.

Sis also reported that the aides have not changed the battery in Mom's hearing aid in quite some time.  No wonder mom can't understand anything anyone tries to say to her!  She has a 100% hearing loss in one ear, and at least an 80% loss in the other, the one in which she uses the hearing aid.  My sister, who is not at all shy about speaking her mind--and is paying for Mom's care--, is going to have a word or three with the facility director about this situation tomorrow.

On the positive side, a dear friend and former neighbor of my mom's is going to visit her next week.  This is someone Mom hasn't seen in over 2 years, but someone whom she loves dearly.  Even if Mom is sick, the visit will certainly cheer her up.  Here's hoping, anyway.

[msparticularity]

Oh, Barred_owl, I'm so sorry all of this is happening! And it really is true that getting good and effective care for our elders pretty much requires constant surveillance from us. We have been down this path with my grandmother and my mother-in-law, and it's just remarkable what the staff at a care facility will overlook/ignore. I hope your mom's doctor is able to figure out what is going on quickly, and to provide treatment that will help and not be too uncomfortable.

[barred_owl]

Thanks, Ms_P. 

If there's one thing people need to do when anyone they know is hospitalized or in assisted living or any other healthcare facility, it's advocate.  Be a helicopter child/sibling/spouse/SO--that's being a "helicopter" for all the right reasons.  Speak up if something seems amiss.  As my sister (who works in the nursing home biz) says, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." 

I'm waiting to hear if there are any new developments.  Hopefully, the respiratory issues will be resolved quickly enough that we can get Mom out for Thanksgiving.  Fingers crossed!