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[neutralname]

I'm in this position.  The colleague was difficult, divisive, nearly always wrong on academic issues (in my opinion), and often a bully.    Occasionally it was good to have him on your side in a battle, but that too came with costs.  I never went to his home, nor had a meal or a drink with him.  We greeted each other if we passed in a corridor: that was about the extent of our friendliness.  Now he is dead and there's a memorial.  I don't want to go, but feel some obligation to.  Do I actually have an obligation?

[secretweapon]

Do you have an obligation?  The deceased colleague won't know if you went or not.  If you go, it is for other people or yourself - namely, to support the family members or close friends, or to make sure that you don't lose political points with colleague's allies.

Does these apply?

[didotwite]

If there are people whom you like and respect who could use your support at the memorial, then you go.  If not, you have other plans.

[mountainguy]

I would go. It conveys decency as a human being. I would get there right on time and leave as soon as the service is over.

[zuzu_]

If there are people whom you like and respect who could use your support at the memorial, then you go.  If not, you have other plans.

+1

[dellaroux]

If there will be a large crowd, I would go, stay very briefly, maybe until the end of the readings, then leave if you want to avoid having to talk to others about "contributions" you can't really affirm.

If there will be very few there, and the family or others would be comforted by knowing people cared enough for their sakes to come, you might make a difference there, and just focus on whatever positive elements you could think about to word carefully in advance.

[prytania3]

I wouldn't go unless I had colleagues that needed me.

[notaprof]

Would your colleague have come to your memorial if the situation were reversed?  Whatever the answer, you can be the bigger person and go.  

I actually find memorials of college faculty and long time staff interesting whether I knew the person well or not The tidbits of institutional history that often are revealed when people speak of their memories of the person are priceless and important to keep alive, especially if the place has changed a lot. At my last place of employment, the history of the place is being rewritten in ways I find shocking and sad so it was nice to go to a memorial there recently and have some of the recent slick marketing revealed as the sham that it is.  

You also get a more well rounded view of the person your colleague was outside of the campus persona and witnessing the grief of the family members can help you to remember this person as a fellow human being and not just an adversary.  And I think anyone who served your college or university for a good deal of their life deserves the respect it shows when you attend.

[larryc]

Of course you go. Not only do you go, you tell the family that he was a great guy and that his passing is a real loss to the school and community. And if there are hymns, you sing.

  

[fiona]

Would your colleague have come to your memorial if the situation were reversed?  Whatever the answer, you can be the bigger person and go.  

I actually find memorials of college faculty and long time staff interesting whether I knew the person well or not The tidbits of institutional history that often are revealed when people speak of their memories of the person are priceless and important to keep alive, especially if the place has changed a lot. At my last place of employment, the history of the place is being rewritten in ways I find shocking and sad so it was nice to go to a memorial there recently and have some of the recent slick marketing revealed as the sham that it is.  

You also get a more well rounded view of the person your colleague was outside of the campus persona and witnessing the grief of the family members can help you to remember this person as a fellow human being and not just an adversary.  And I think anyone who served your college or university for a good deal of their life deserves the respect it shows when you attend.

This is such a wise post. If the Posting Hall of Fame is around, and someone knows how to post to it, this would be a good one to keep.

The Fiona

[malcha]

Done.

[mystictechgal]

Whether you liked him or not is beside the point, IMO.  You were this person's colleague.  Presumably, his family knows you were his colleague, whether you were drinking buddies, or not.  Others at the college, including his students, some of whom may also be your students, know that you were his colleague.  Unless you have a very real and pressing engagement that keeps you from it, of course you should go.  Not going because you didn't particularly like him is petty.  It has the potential to say far more about you to the people that notice your absence than your absence will say about him.  Going also says something about you, and it's a lot more flattering.

[fishbrains]

Of course you go. Not only do you go, you tell the family that he was a great guy and that his passing is a real loss to the school and community. And if there are hymns, you sing.

Yes.

Hopefully, there will probably be plenty of people who never liked you who will still have enough heart to comfort your family when you croak.

[neutralname]

This is all very helpful and helps me think through the issue.  Thanks to all.

A clarification: the death was not very recent.  The memorial is months after the fact.  So the issues of comforting those in pain are less relevant.  His passing was not very unexpected and there wasn't great grief among the faculty.  He never brought any family members to any events as far I know, and they never had any contact with the school.

To be honest, if I'm still at this place when I croak, I hope they get a mobile disco to celebrate.  The last thing I would want are the bulls***ters spouting nonsense about me in fake words of respect.  I'd want those who genuinely liked me to mourn my death.  The rest can go screw themselves.  (I guess I'm feeling a little prickly today.)

I'm much more moved by considerations about a community coming together to mark a passing and processing what it signifies.  I also think that if a community can't come together over a death, then what can we be united over? 

[fishbrains]

This is all very helpful and helps me think through the issue.  Thanks to all.

A clarification: the death was not very recent.  The memorial is months after the fact.  So the issues of comforting those in pain are less relevant.  His passing was not very unexpected and there wasn't great grief among the faculty.  He never brought any family members to any events as far I know, and they never had any contact with the school.

To be honest, if I'm still at this place when I croak, I hope they get a mobile disco to celebrate.  The last thing I would want are the bulls***ters spouting nonsense about me in fake words of respect.  I'd want those who genuinely liked me to mourn my death.  The rest can go screw themselves.  (I guess I'm feeling a little prickly today.)

I'm much more moved by considerations about a community coming together to mark a passing and processing what it signifies.  I also think that if a community can't come together over a death, then what can we be united over? 

Hmmm. I'm not so sure it's bull$hit. I'll have to contemplate deeply/drink a bit on that one. Just because people don't show grief doesn't mean it's not there, and bull$hitting nicely is a way to work it out sometimes. And not liking someone doesn't mean their passing doesn't have an effect on us. Or at least it should.

I'm a little on the sad side today, so perhaps I could use a little prickliness here.