next »

[anthroid]

Many years ago, the husband of a colleague died a long and painful death.  The (alleged) "best friend" of the colleague simply could not bring herself to see the colleague's husband in the hospital because "I don't like hospitals; they make me uncomfortable."  (I went, and I didn't even know him that well.  But having seen my mother's death, I have a sense of what that experience is like for the sick person.)  The best friend could not participate in the memorial service because "death makes me uncomfortable."  The best friend could not bear to hear the dead guy's name mentioned because "I don't like hearing about death." 

I thought she was a total bulls*** artist anyway, and this just proved it to me.  She was, and is (as far as I know), a totally self-involved, domineering b*tch.  Again, the survivors' feelings of discomfort are completely irrelevant.  Imagine how the dead guy feels.  Engaging in culturally appropriate mourning activities are the very least any person with even a minimal connection to the deceased should do.

I speak as someone who has been a significant mourner--I didn't buy excuses from folks when my mom died and I don't buy them from others.

NN knows I'm not talking about him, I hope!!!!!

[neutralname]

Anthroid

I certainly take your point and that of mdwlark.  And yes, I'm going to the memorial.

But I wonder how much of an abusive a**hole a colleague has to be before we say, "I'm sorry for his family, but I just can't go and honor him."  We see plenty of stories on the fora of faculty who make the lives of colleagues, junior faculty, graduate students and undergraduates hellish.  When they pass, are they all to be sent off with fond farewells? 

[anthroid]

Anthroid

I certainly take your point and that of mdwlark.  And yes, I'm going to the memorial.

But I wonder how much of an abusive a**hole a colleague has to be before we say, "I'm sorry for his family, but I just can't go and honor him."  We see plenty of stories on the fora of faculty who make the lives of colleagues, junior faculty, graduate students and undergraduates hellish.  When they pass, are they all to be sent off with fond farewells? 

The short answer is:  Yes.  That is basic human decency.  Why sink to their level?  Why not do what you know is the absolutely right thing to do?  You don't have to sing their praises, but I do think it is a basic right thing to do to mark their passing.

PS  That way you get to feel superior to them, knowing that they were way too self-involved to care about such things and that, had circumstances been opposite, they would not have acted nearly as well as you will. 

Look, it's 2 hours out of your life.  With luck, we are faced with such an obnoxious situation only a few times in our lives.  Why can't we do the best we can do, instead of the least we can do?

[sarhajojobean]

If there are people whom you like and respect who could use your support at the memorial, then you go.  If not, you have other plans.

This most accurately captures my viewpoint.  While it is difficult to attend a service, particularly for someone you didn't care for, I find that services are more about the welfare of those surrounding the deceased.

[menotti]

Point 1.  If he is indeed sincerely mourned by his family, the fact that it's a few months later does not mean they've forgotten him or are no longer in need of comforting.  They may actually be particularly appreciative now that the immediate flurry of activity has faded.

Point 2.  Agree with those who say you never know what you'll learn.  I went to a funeral of a man who was part of a community group I participated in - I liked him fine but we weren't close.  I learned not only that he was involved in my group, but was also a nationally renown iris grower.  Someone spoke about how this man had mentored him in growing irises.  I never would have thought twice about irises had I not been to this funeral.

[tinyzombie]

OP? Any additional thoughts?

[neutralname]

TZ, I gave some additional thoughts yesterday.  But then I had more.

My family is not big on funerals or memorials.  I've had grandparents, aunts, and family friends die, and I didn't go to any of their funerals.  I wasn't asked.  I've been to a couple of funerals in my life.  (A little ironic, considering that I teach a Death and Dying course!) 

Some of the recommendations of posters to this thread have had the tone of moral absolutes: it is required to go, or it is the decent thing to go.  I'm tempted to reply: "Not where I'm from."  But I'll concede it is the done thing at the place I'm at now. 

I'll grant that there's a chance there will be some psychological benefit for me or for the family to attending.  Maybe I'll learn something.  I'll try to keep an open mind and do what I can to help others.  But to be honest, I doubt that I'll learn much.  I certainly don't need to do any mourning myself. 

So it is much more about the simple meaning of being a faculty member and a colleague of other faculty members.  Given that I'm plenty disaffected with the school, I'm not keen to stand shoulder to shoulder with them.  But I figure that if I can't even bring myself to go to the memorial, then I might as well just give up on the school, and I'm not ready to do that yet. 

[mdwlark]

If there are people whom you like and respect who could use your support at the memorial, then you go.  If not, you have other plans.

I agree with this too.  I didn't mean to say you must go out of some moral duty, just that going is an opportunity for growth and reflection at a very deep level.  It is certainly a kindness and support to the grieving family and loved ones and it can be a gift to yourself.  There are people I wouldn't attend a memorial for, but that number is shrinking as I get older. 

[anthroid]

If there are people whom you like and respect who could use your support at the memorial, then you go.  If not, you have other plans.

I agree with this too.  I didn't mean to say you must go out of some moral duty, just that going is an opportunity for growth and reflection at a very deep level.  It is certainly a kindness and support to the grieving family and loved ones and it can be a gift to yourself.  There are people I wouldn't attend a memorial for, but that number is shrinking as I get older. 

Yes, well said.  Having dealt with many of these, including my mother's but also folks I didn't know as well, I understand the conundrum but it is a noble thing to do.  I do get Neutralname's position--I really and truly do--but it's a small commitment and a hugely meaningful act for the true mourners.

Maybe I shouldn't be making this a moral imperative but more of a thing-you'll-feel-better-for-having-done.  Noble, as I have said.

[luvstowrite]

Of course you go. Not only do you go, you tell the family that he was a great guy and that his passing is a real loss to the school and community. And if there are hymns, you sing.

Yes.

Hopefully, there will probably be plenty of people who never liked you who will still have enough heart to comfort your family when you croak.

Yes, larryc and fishbrains are right on this one.

[sarhajojobean]

When is the memorial?  NN - I'll be interested to find out after the memorial if you were glad you decided to attend when all is said and done.

[neutralname]

When is the memorial?  NN - I'll be interested to find out after the memorial if you were glad you decided to attend when all is said and done.

You should know me better than that.  I'll deny that I learned anything even if I did.  I have my pride.  But I will in the fullness of time get back to you on that.

[sarhajojobean]

When is the memorial?  NN - I'll be interested to find out after the memorial if you were glad you decided to attend when all is said and done.

You should know me better than that.  I'll deny that I learned anything even if I did.  I have my pride.  But I will in the fullness of time get back to you on that.

:)

[neutralname]

So, to report back on this memorial.

I went.  Colleagues, staff, students, and family spoke.  They painted a picture of a man who was highly prinicipled and fought for what  he believed in, and who paid the cost.  It was touching, even if it was not the whole truth.  I don't suppose memorials are a time for the whole truth.  Yet nobody described him as their friend. 

I was struck by how few faculty attended.  I conclude that many other people faced the same questions that I did about whether to attend, and decided against it.  People who knew him for decades didn't go.  That is sad, but I think it also reflects not only on him but also the low morale and the lack of cohesion of our faculty at this point.

[kedves]

This is sad.  Thanks for the report.  I am sorry things are not better in your department.

I understand that funerals and memorial services are important for other people.  I've never been to a public version of one, even for family members, that meant something to me.  I have been to private memorial ceremonies and honoring ceremonies to celebrate a living person that were meaningful.  (The term "honoring ceremony" reminds me of Deconstructing Harry, but the correct term escapes me.)