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[alleyoxenfree]

Of course you go. Not only do you go, you tell the family that he was a great guy and that his passing is a real loss to the school and community. And if there are hymns, you sing.

  

When we did this in graduate school, his widow got up after a string of good memories and eulogies and said, effectively, "Let's not go overboard or be dishonest.  He could really be a bastard."  She went on in that vein for some time.  Evidently, he was much harder to live with than he was as a colleague.

Then again, she probably appreciated the turnout, as he had little family so "work family" members were really the only ones to show.

[spork]

Will there be free food?

[neil9]

This is just a ritual. You go if most peopke go. You can celebrate his passing in private if you so choose. But act appropriately in public.

Pahaps, you will get a new perspective after the memorial service: do not take things too serious. We will all be dead in not too distant future.

[neutralname]

Pahaps, you will get a new perspective after the memorial service: do not take things too serious. We will all be dead in not too distant future.

I don't understand the syllogism here.  I would conclude from the shortness of life that I shouldn't waste it listening to nonsense about dead people I didn't like in the first place. 

[tee_bee]

Will there be free food?

LMAO. Spork, as reliable as a Swiss watch.

I would go. It's not fun, but a lot of the cr@p we do as academics isn't fun, and, besides, you can sit there the whole time and go "Oh, piffle" if you think it's over the top. It's one's presence at these things that counts, it shows that you are collegial, and a decent person, as has so often been said here.

Oh, and if your deceased colleague is Norwegian, there will be free food later. Lots of casseroles/hot dish, depending on what part of the country.

[neil9]

My point was taht you took this going to memorial service and yourself a little too seriously. If you do not go and save two hours, what difference will it make? A lot of things we do have no meaning or lasting impact anyway but we do anyway. A friend just submitted a big grant. According to him, he spent 5% enegry on real science and 95% on adminitratvie and political stuff.

Besides, you might be less judgemental when you get a better sense of your mortality. In my old Chinese saying, "a dying person tends to treat others more nicely".

Pahaps, you will get a new perspective after the memorial service: do not take things too serious. We will all be dead in not too distant future.

I don't understand the syllogism here.  I would conclude from the shortness of life that I shouldn't waste it listening to nonsense about dead people I didn't like in the first place. 

[neil9]

According to a speech by Mao in the 40s, a memorial service serves two purposes: to morn the dead and to unite the living. If most others go to the service, you should just go for department unity.

[neutralname]

According to a speech by Mao in the 40s, a memorial service serves two purposes: to morn the dead and to unite the living. If most others go to the service, you should just go for department unity.

I've been contemplating this one.  It would be tempting to go the memorial and quote it -- curiously appropriate.  But such an odd source for a platitude. 

[clean]

"If you don't go to somebody's funeral, they won't come to yours.” -Yogi Berra

[southerntransplant]

A member of my dissertation committee who actively wanted to see me dropped from the PhD program passed away very suddenly about 5 years ago. I went to his memorial service (it was not close by at all). Why did I go? Because, for all the ways we didn't get along, he was a great man in my field and someone deserving of great respect, whether he reciprocated or not. So I went and paid my respects, and was able to let go of a lot of the baggage left over from the time I was a grad student (I was a decade-long PhD by then), and furthermore, was able to detach myself from all the emotional stuff and see how he really benefited the field in which he shone.

I didn't know this either as a grad student, but he was an expert pianist, a knowledgeable traveler and treated his own grad students like family. He said to the fiancee of one of his students, "Please take care of him, because he is like a son to me." This, among other revelations, humanized him and made me better able to appreciate a life lived well, rather than focus on petty slights.

Going to the memorial service was one of the more humbling experiences in my life.

[conjugate]

A colleague and good friend told me that when he passes away, he would like immediately to be forgotten, so that no one who knew him would have any memory of him or his life.  He argued that if you really care for people, you would want to spare them the pain and grief of your passing.

Ironically, it's because of this odd and offbeat point of view that I like him so much, and will miss him so greatly when he does pass away.  Go figure.

Anyway, I'd go to the memorial unless I didn't know the guy.  If asked to say something about the deceased, and I didn't have much good to say, I would be polite (as LarryC indicates) and as honest as I could be under the circumstances.

Such comments as:

"We didn't always agree, but our discussions helped to shape my understanding of..." (fill in teaching/research/your discipline/etc.)

"He brought a distinctive point of view to our work on...."

"He will be missed greatly"

don't hurt, and are essentially accurate for anybody who's worked with you.

[new_bus_prof]

"His absence has been noticeable."

[anthroid]

LarryC has it exactly right.  Of course you go.  It is simple human decency to mark the passing of a colleague.  Your feelings about him are not really relevant.  Every society about which I know has death rituals providing a boundary between this life and whatever might be beyond. 

Go, my friend.  You don't have to do a feschtschrift (or however it's spelled) but acknowledge his passing.  It's the right thing to do.

[hulkhogan]

When I was in grad school, a classmate died suddenly of a major illness. Three of us went to the funeral even though we did not know him that well. His parents and his brother were thrilled that some of his school friends had come and that they got to meet us. They asked us all kinds of questions about his studies, and his mom kept hugging us. It was worth it just for them. Go.

[mdwlark]

You go to comfort and support the survivors and to bring closure for yourself. It marks a transition in your own history.  I have regretted not going to memorials in the past. 

I like what southerntransplant said.  Along a similar vein, a relative of mine's alcoholic husband passed away.  I went to the funeral for the wife's sake.  Didn't care for him.  His buddy, who fought with him in the Vietnam War, flew 2000 miles to speak at the funeral.  It was incredibly touching. I learned he had achieved heroism in the face of battle that few of us will ever experience and he maintained some of that heroism in ways I hadn't seen. I saw how seriously he was injured by tragedy.  I felt transformed by the experience.  I didn't expect that.  You go because honoring death makes your life more meaningful.