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[merce]

I'm a true nerd.
My discipline prompts some weird looks when I tell people what I do and my field even weirder remarks.
I've been a nerd forever and in academia all my life in a sense.

Grad school was like coming home, finding a family and my program (probably because of my discipline) was a safe, healthy place to make friends and truly share life's experiences and personal feelings.

Now that I've been out of grad school and teaching for a while I'm finding colleagues are to whom I naturally turn to make friends, to go out with, to ask advice from. But, I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't a mistake.
My current Uni is in an unquaint, uncharming, village: one grocery, no Targ'et, zip. 


My cohort seemed like a family until a few months into our first year (last year) with a first weird mix of someone's home life creating feelings of awkwardness, then another's, then my own. Then twice now I've had colleagues privilege their desire for a relationship with someone I introduced them to over our friendship and/or our position of having to work together. 

I don't know if I'm the only one who is confused by how to dance the dance of collegiality qua true friendship.  I suspect that given some of our conversations regarding how to handle senior faculty and such I'm not alone but it isn't discussed in terms of those who are "below" us on the totem pole-- I am "below" the majority of my cohort who have TT positions-- or "equals."


A former colleague new to US Academia said I made the mistake of believing I could have true relationships with colleagues and that in this country one gets the impression people want to be your friend when in fact they are only cultivating a colleague.

How sad.
Truly depressing.

[prytania3]

Two of my very best friends are colleagues. One has been a friend for 17 years, the other, 14 years.

That said, I have a really good radar about people who can and cannot be trusted. You don't just befriend colleagues willy nilly and give up your darkest secrets.

[kedves]

In answer to the question, I would say "No, not usually" based on my definitions of "befriending" and "dangerous."  My definitions might vary from yours. 

I'm an instructor and no one is below me on my department's totem pole.  In personality, I'm extroverted but private.  The people in my department, non-tenure track and tenure-track, are helpful, friendly, respectful, smart, interesting, and fun.  Basic collegiality is not something I take for granted.  My grad department was uncollegial at the time I was there (department split), and this is a pleasant contrast. 

I would not expect to become deep, close friends with someone within a year, but it would take me more time to develop that sort of friendship with a  colleague than with someone else.  There are too many potential situations in which someone would have to choose between their needs and mine.  Not only would the possibility exist that they could not be those sorts of friends to me, it would also exist that I could not be that sort of friend to them.  Caution impedes intimacy.  Some of the caution is a result of the structure of the system, but people find ways to compete that do not involve job status, pay, and security.  For the most part, I prefer to keep my professional life professional.  I can let down my guard elsewhere.  It took only one "the chair likes you better than me" comment from someone at my level to make me even more circumspect about talking about some work issues with people from work.  (Complaining about students is always safe.)  Becoming friends with faculty in other departments doesn't present the same problems.

"Dangerous" is something different from "collegial but not close friends."  I don't know how to advise if you believe that someone in your department is a danger to you.  I understand loneliness, and if you are feeling it, I am sorry.

[tamiam]

I'd have to say that there are at least two different "types" of friends.

Friends that you have fun with, have a beer with after work, but that the friendship is based on proximity and shared daily life situations. I can't imagine how this type of friendship with colleagues could be "dangerous" in any way.

And then there are the deep friendships that develop over time and that may last a lifetime, even if you don't see each other very often. People that we rely on for emotional support, people who become family.

I think what's dangerous is mixing up these two types of friends into one pot and being hurt or disappointed when people from category 1 don't act like they're in category 2.

[tee_bee]

I'm not sure that collegial friendships in the work place are really all that different than those in grad school. And, after grad school, which I loved, and at which I made many dear friends, I did learn one lesson: don't date your colleagues. A rule which I promptly violated at First Job (she was in another unit, at least).

Of course, YMMV, and I know that others have gotten married (and hurray, really, for them!) but it's generally too odd. In the end, per Tamiam, what matters is whether you are really good friends, or work buddies. There's a huge difference.

I made great friends at First Job, and some new ones here at Second Job. Just trust your instincts.

[rubygirl]

A former colleague new to US Academia said I made the mistake of believing I could have true relationships with colleagues and that in this country one gets the impression people want to be your friend when in fact they are only cultivating a colleague.

Merce, I know you are from a different culture and, based on things I've read from you, you often feel out-of-sorts when trying to negotiate the intricacies of US culture.  I understand, and I sympathize.

Many non-US-folk have mentioned the sentiment you quote, and talk about how we are "shallow", etc.  This is absolutely not true, but it *is* true that, if you are from a culture with different expectations, the outer "friendliness" of Americans can be very confusing. I have an exchange student from Europe right now who is trying to navigate these waters, and after seeing it through her eyes, I realize there are many rocks for the newbie to hit.

Tamiam speaks wisdom:  there are *at least* two kinds of "friends" in US culture.  I was trying to explain to my student that, to become a close friend, it often takes a very long time.  Also, with some people, you will think it's going to happen early on, and then they withdraw.  That can be disappointing, and I've had that happen to me many times.

In a small village with nothing to do and not very many people, it is exponentially more difficult.

One more thing:  be aware that, because of your different cultural background, you may be placing expectations on people that confuse and/or frighten them.  Several times over the years I've withdrawn from a person who *suddenly* wanted to be my BFF, when we barely knew each other.  Too-soon intimacy can be a red flag for mental illness or sociopathy, and if you've been burned once, you're going to be wary.

People may not understand or accept what you want from them.  This does not make them bad, but it does mean that you need to learn the cultural rules in order to play the game. (I'm using that as a metaphor, not saying that friendship is "only a game".)

[spork]

Yes.

No.

Depends.

[carebearstare]

For many people, there is a difference between a "work friend" and a "real friend." (You could substitute "activity" or "drinking" or any number of other words in for the first category). My "work friends" are people I like and enjoy, but not people whom I would keep in touch with if our relationship were to change even slightly--if I changed jobs, moved, changed relationship status, etc. "Real friends" are, in my experience, more like soulmates--people who I share my life with.

Work friendship is like dating without commitment; real friendship is like marriage.

Work friends can turn into real friends, and real friendship can fade. In my experience, though, I'm more likely to know from the get-go whether I want someone to be my real friend or not. It can be hard, too, to have someone to whom you're very close with at work because of the office politics involved.

So I wouldn't say it was dangerous, but I would say that it's unlikely. A work friend that becomes a real friend takes time, and there are many traps along the way that can derail the project.

Though I'd love to have more friends in TTville, I don't personally want any of them to come from work if I can help it.

[alto_stratus]

Be friendly.

Don't be friends.

[jacaranda_]

I'd have to say that there are at least two different "types" of friends.

Friends that you have fun with, have a beer with after work, but that the friendship is based on proximity and shared daily life situations. I can't imagine how this type of friendship with colleagues could be "dangerous" in any way.

This comment and others that are more generally about forming friendships in a new location all sound perfectly sensible to me.  However, it is simply true that all of this wisdom needs to be reconsidered in light of being early on the tenure-track at a new school (which is what I take the OP's situation to be).  Making friends at a new job should be different than your patterns of forming friendships in grad school.

I've taught at a few different institutions and had quite a bit of distress and "heartache," I suppose you could say, over friendships with colleagues specifically in my own department:  colleagues with whom I've initially been very close, and then had a huge falling out; colleagues who claimed to have my back but then disappeared when I truly needed them, for example.

And all of that was deeply complicated by the fact that these were people I had to work with on committees, people who might be evaluating my work for merit pay or for tenure, people who were more connected to administrators on campus whose good will I needed.

So here's my viewpoint in the wake of all that:  I would cultivate friendly, collegial relationships with those in your immediate department, but don't expect (or perhaps even seek) deep friendships with them.  Or if you really feel a strong sense of connection with a colleague, just take a while (over a year) to allow yourself to get to know this person fully.  Instead, get to know people outside your department, especially other junior faculty -- developing stronger ties there is less risky, and you can also share information with one another about what's actually going on on your campus. 

 

[dolljepopp]

Befriending a colleague for an occasional coffee or to discuss Foucault over tuna melts is not a problem.

"Befriending with benefits" a colleague often is.

[alleyoxenfree]

And in fact, cultivate as many as you can so that when a few fall out or don't have your back or go off the deep end of substance abuse, you will have lots of friendly colleagues who will support your work and have a beer with you.

Get a shrink for all the deep, dark stuff, or talk with someone out of town about it.

[lurkergirl]

Then twice now I've had colleagues privilege their desire for a relationship with someone I introduced them to over our friendship and/or our position of having to work together.

What does this mean?

[kedves]

I have a couple of questions about the cultural aspect of friendship.  I understand that Americans value being friendly (more so in some regions than others), and that it doesn't mean "I want to be your close friend" or even "I want to be your friend."   But aside from the top layer of interaction, is the pattern underneath very different in the U.S. when compared with the other countries?  Are there countries in which it is usual for people to become very close friends within the office or department in a work setting (aside from military service)?  And are there countries in which close friendship develops much more rapidly than in the U.S.?

[titania]

In my department we are all friends to some degree and two of my colleagues (including my chair) have become very close friends.  That said, I have also seen fallout from this and we are all aware of the danger of not knowing if you are talking to your friend or your colleague particularly when you confide about difficulties that you would rather your tenure committee didn't know.  It is always a little tricky to negotiate.  That said, the difficulties are usually work related, not about trying to steal each others' boyfriends.

My sense is that those of us who are more open by nature tend to form the friendships and take the risk while those who are more reserved and cautious by nature hold back and find friends outside the department.  There is no clear cut choice and you have to just go with what works for you and then negotiate it as best as you can.