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[sikora]

What I mean to say it that, the blow up may be between big sister and me, as she is very protective of her sister, and commanding of others.  I've discovered that the best way to get along with big sister without a fight is to agree with everything she says. In fact, I think it really throws her when I do that.  I simply think that they are a family that thrives on direct and loud confrontation and argument. That is not a judgment, just a fact.  I am the opposite, extremely uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation,  and I try to be as accommodating as possible.  They are firebrands, I'm milquetoast.

I've already decided that whenever my surgery is, if my dog's auntie can't take her in, I am hiring a dog walker. For my dog only.

Most of the time everything is fine, although lately we've had some conflict over washing the dishes.  I often don't get them clean enough.  C., because of her carpal tunnel surgery, can't do dishes.  So I told her to just put the dishes she's unhappy with back in the pile of dishes to be washed.  Whatever. :)

It will all work out.  It will help a lot to have my needs and limitations in writing by the orthopedist, and we can work out what happens then.  Although I'm sure there will still be conflict and challenge. Just keep reminding me that I didn't cause her first ankle fusion to fail, and it's not my responsibility to fix it for her.

[history_grrrl]

Ugh. sikora, I have an equity question. Since you are doing all of the dish washing, what is the housemate doing *all of* in exchange? In my experience, one of the worst things in a housing situation is this kind of task imbalance, where one person does all of something and the favor isn't returned. Is there anything the housemate is capable of that she can "take over" as a chore that is hers, and hers alone? Because really, this is completely unfair.

[sikora]

I got my MRI today, and at first I thought that being in an MRI machine would be a great way to train NASA astronauts. Or deep sea divers.  Then I fell asleep, and didn't wake up until I nearly fell of the table when it came out  of the machine.  I've had an MRI before, so it wasn't a scary deal.

Then they made me go to xray.  I thought I was scheduled for xrays on the 13th, but they made me go this morning.  A senior tech was teaching to student techs, so it took a little longer (I'd love to have that senior tech as a teacher myself - he was so kind and good to both the students and to me).  They wouldn't let me lay quietly on a comfortable pad for 30 minutes, however. 

I wonder why the rush on xrays, though. Probably convenience - Fridays are low volume days.

I wouldn't recommend an MRI if one is scared of being in a large, load, mailing tube.

[sikora]

Okay, so I've made a decision.  Barring really bad news from the shoulder specialist in the ortho clinic, I've decided to take care of my housemate as much as I can.  Part of my decision is driven by a "care package" I received yesterday from friends, a family, from my last place of real residence/work. One is a faculty member, one is staff, they have three great kids.  They took care of me when I had neck surgery. They wouldn't let me go home after 3 days.  They know some things are going on with me, so they, as a family, sent me a care package of some 13 pounds.  Inside are lots of  chocolates, other candy, coffee, Asian soup mixes, treats for my dog, a sweater, hand warmers, a gourmet cake mix and $20 for eggs and milk for the cake .... I could go on.  Most important in the package?  Notes from all five of them  I could tell from what was in the package that all the treats came from all five of them, little kids included. It was sent in love, and I am overwhelmed by it.  I am crying as I write this. I don't understand completely.  I love them all just so much, but I didn't know they loved me so much in return.  I have always felt I had to excuse and earn my place in this world, that I was a burden.

So I will help my housemate, as a way of paying forward, as much as I can.  I will take my MD's advice as to caring for myself. From what I understand, my own shoulder surgery can wait until April.  I will ask the ortho clinic for a written list of things that I shouldn't do, and I will insist that the list include physically transferring my housemate from bed or into bath or whatever. I see that as a safety issue. If one of us slips and falls and I get hurt, then there we are both in a world of hurt. She will have to think through and solve that problem for herself. I have several taxi company numbers now on my cell, in case I fall and need care (ambulances will not take people to the VA, and I've called my brother in crisis much too often).  I have already told my roommate can't rake leaves.  Lo! and Behold!  She's making plans to hire a friend's 12 year old to do it. I will also tell her that if I do the grocery shopping, I will not drive store to store to store pursuing sales, unless she pays me by the hour to do so.  If, or rather when, my paying job starts up, we will have to renegotiate this whole thing, and I suspect she'll come up with resources she now says she doesn't have.

In April, if I go ahead with my own  surgery, she won't be able to help me.  Google ankle fusion, and you will get an idea what she has to deal with.  I will make my own accommodations, etc.  If anything, most of the time, I'm pretty good at taking care of myself.  Taxis.  Lots of Somalis in my neighborhood drive taxis. Dog walkers.  Thank god for the underground economy.

[t_r_b]

Sikora, I've said more than enough on this thread already, so I'll address only one piece of your post, which may or may not be applicable more broadly:

I will ask the ortho clinic for a written list of things that I shouldn't do, and I will insist that the list include physically transferring my housemate from bed or into bath or whatever. I see that as a safety issue.

Regardless of what is on the list from the ortho clinic, you have the right to refuse to do things that you feel endanger your own safety. No one can take that right away from you. Saying "I can't do that. I don't think it would be safe," is more than enough of an excuse for any reasonable person. If your housemate refuses to accept that excuse, then your housemate is not respecting your rights as a human being.

And if you allow the lack of a doctor's note to keep you from protecting your own safety, as you see fit, then you are not respecting your own rights as a human being. You deserve better, from your housemate and from yourself.

Please take care of yourself, Sikora. You deserve it. You really really do.

[conjugate]

f, or rather when, my paying job starts up, we will have to renegotiate this whole thing, and I suspect she'll come up with resources she now says she doesn't have.

Yup.  Hang in there and take care of yourself.  I'm glad to see you're standing up for yourself.  Hang in there, and please keep in touch with us.

[sikora]

Interesting thing is happening.  The more clear I am about my limits (and I've been warm and apologetic about explaining them), the less her predicted disability is.  I just found out that after a week, she'll be able to drive.  But, tensions are rising, too. She's angry with me, probably for other things as well.  I'd do almost anything not to live in a state of constant interpersonal rancor and tension. 

I'll going to help the guy working on the floor pull up nails and staples tomorrow, mostly in hopes of making things lighter interpersonally. That's why I paid for most of the pizza.

I really should live alone. Obviously, military service and training didn't make me aggressive. It's just me, this is the way I am. Interpersonal tension inspires such anxiety in me I'll do almost anything to fix and appease.

[t_r_b]

I'd do almost anything not to live in a state of constant interpersonal rancor and tension.... 

Interpersonal tension inspires such anxiety in me I'll do almost anything to fix and appease.

Recognizing this is really important. Now that you've got that one down, here are some others to work on:

1. Recognizing that this anxiety causes serious problems for you (because it leads you to neglect important self care).

2. Recognizing that the anxiety results from a cognitive distortion: interpersonal tension is not great, but it's not nearly as awful as you imagine it to be. And it's a good deal better than letting yourself be used and abused.

3. Recognizing that you yourself cannot control whether tension exists or not. Some people (and I suspect your housemate is one of them) thrive on tension and use it to their individual advantage. It is impossible to avoid tension with such people without doing harm to yourself.

4. Recognizing the roots of your anxiety about interpersonal tension. The emotional abuse you endured as a child, in a home fraught with tension, would be my first guess.

5. Recognizing that often, not dealing with tension only makes it worse in the long run.

Your housemate is taking advantage of your aversion to conflict and low self-esteem. You are doing a good job of starting to stand up for yourself, but it seems clear that she is responding by upping the tension level (and thereby pressing your buttons). Be careful.

[marigolds]

Agreed.  Many of Bread_Pirate_Naan's advices about this type of situation have helped me deal with just such a desire to appease and clear the air, Sikora.  I keep reminding myself: 1) I don't have to ACT on feelings.  If I just sit with them, they often clear away of their own accord (and it helps my actions be much more chosen/conscious, as opposed to knee-jerk, too.)  2) I'm not responsible for anyone else's anger; they chose to react in that way, and I don't have to accept the "gift" of their anger that they are attempting to foist on me.

It's helped me.  (A lot of these are from a thread I started this summer; maybe it will help you as much as it helped me.)   

[sikora]

I'm kind of like my dog.  Sometimes when she's scolded, she will come seeking reconciliation.  That's a good thing in a dog, maybe not so much for me.

[bud04]

This is very insightful Kora and good that you understand this about yourself now. Whereas you will always want to reconcile with your dog, you don't always have to reconcile with other people. If we continue to speak in dog terms: Sometimes when you do try to reconcile, people will kick you instead of rubbing your belly. Don't go through life belly up. You must guard your belly for those who really care about you.

[sikora]

The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly, but most of the time they turn.  It looks pretty good that I will be working in Dec, and the job may last a year.  It will be full time, although I'm going to ask for minimum full time, 32 hours, if that is okay with my boss.  That way I can have a day to work on my own stuff.

My job may require me to go to the field in the spring and summer.  That means, waiting until April to have my surgery would not be a good idea.  It would be better to have it in the winter so I'd be ready for outdoor work.   I have already figured out how to get around using public transportation, and I will hire a dog walker.  I'll still be able to wash dishes and type, and long as my arm stays close to my side. 

But we'll see what the surgeon says; I meet with him (it is a him, I checked) on Friday.

[bud04]

This is good sikora. If you need to have surgery now, then you should do it. You must look out for yourself. I know your doctor will give you proper guidance. Please make sure you ask him what would it mean for your health if you delayed the surgery. That answer should help you move forward.

Best wishes to you. Hang in there. 

[biomancer]

Sikora, congrats on the employment!

I think I'd do the same thing you're doing re:  paying the karma forward.  Do take care of yourself, though, or you won't be able to take care of Housemate.

[mdwlark]

Great news sikora.  You just keep getting better.