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[sikora]

So I have a shoulder that needs to be repaired.  About two weeks ago, I dislocated it for the 3rd time. It's a painful experience,  a medical trauma and emergency when it happens.  The shoulder specialist is pretty sure, pending the MRI, that the shoulder needs repair.  Another dislocation is not a matter of if, but when, and each event is traumatic, excruciating, and causes further damage, increasing the risk of another such event.  If this keeps up, I'm looking at considerable upper body disability.

The MRI is still pending (end of next week), but the shoulder orthopedist is pretty sure the surgery is necessary.  In fact, he's concerned that arthroscopic won't be enough.   So surgery, yep, and then the recovery (6 weeks), and then physical therapy.

So what's the rub?  My housemate is having her second ankle fusion surgery on Dec 18th.  The first attempted failed.  After this surgery, she will be required to be as inambulatory as possible.  She will have a knee walker, but she will not be able to do anything that requires standing, such as showering (she will have use the tub), washing dishes, doing laundry, etc.  She will not be able to drive.  Shopping, etc. is out of the question.  This is for 12 weeks.  Because she has a roommate, she technically is not eligible for home health care, as a roommate is considered in-house help.

I'd like to have my surgery as soon as possible, but damn, I don't want to be a burden?  Who's going to take care of my dog as well as my housemate's dog? Housemate's father is elderly, and is recovering from a broken tibia.   Housemate has a sister who would needs foot surgery, and the family is planning for her to have that surgery when my housemate is more on her feet and can help her out. What is my responsibility here?  My closest family members have sold their house and moved to a small 1 bedroom.  I will do as much to take care of myself even if it means slowing down my own recovery .... Should I wait until March or so to have the surgery and hope nothing happens until then?  Take care of the vacuuming, the laundry, the shopping,  the dogs ...

This weekend two of my housemate's cousins came by to help put plastic on the windows for the winter.  I feel very guilty because I avoided helping out, because it hurts for me to reach up and out and so forth.  We still have some windows to cover inside, and I am reluctant to do it, but I feel I should as it is harder for housemate to put weight on the leg with the failed ankle fusion. I can do it, but it hurts. I was taught to do things even if they hurt, so I guess I will do those inside windows.


Then there is my housemate's pain, and here I think I turn into a b*tch.  Apparently, she doesn't deal with it well.  She was surprised at how well and how quietly I dealt with my shoulder pain.  She said for her last ankle surgery she spent a lot of time actually screaming. She screamed, she said, at home.  She recently had carpal tunnel surgery (about 2 weeks ago), and I got a inkling of how she handles pain.  In short, she doesn't.  I hope that she has discussed pain control with her providers (esp. a nurse, nurses are best at this kind of thing).  I'm a mean, nasty b*tch because I don't know if I can handle her pain.

Moving is not an option.  Maybe the best thing for me to do is to wait until April or so to have my own surgery.

This kind of thing makes me wish I had no needs of my own.

[kedves]

There's a lot here, so I'll try to keep it simple.

What's the earliest you could have your surgery?
Have you talked to your housemate yet?

Let's think about this practically.  Laundry, groceries:  can be safely done ahead, then ignored for a while.  Vacuuming: why put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow?  Delay.  Dog-walking/care:  there has to be a dog person around who could pitch in for a couple of weeks.  Dog people are nice, usually, and that's not asking much.

Plastic-putting-up-shirking-feelings, why-now, etc.:  talk back to yourself.  You've done a lot of good things and you don't need to do every additional thing that needs to be done.  Let someone else do that and be good.  If you had conveniently died young, you could possibly (not definitely) have avoided dependency as the body needs to be repaired.  It's better to be alive and the way things are, this is what we're dealing with.  That's how it seems to me. 

Screaming is not the worst.  You can deal with screaming.  It's a shame that you can't buy morphine or codeine just anywhere these days, but I suppose that is not indicated?  Perhaps she will feel better if you read to her from Long Day's Journey into Night?  Just a little sick joke there to have up your mental sleeve.  Really, anything that has an end can be endured.  One day at a time.

You know you can check in here while all this is underway.  You're much more solid than you think you are.

[t_r_b]

I'm with Kedves. Get your surgery ASAP. Plan out the recovery period ahead of time. Stock up on canned and frozen foods. It will be winter, so if you run out of room in your freezer at home, just stick the surplus in the trunk of your car.

Putting off your surgery until March, and thereby spending the winter in a snowy climate with a shoulder that is highly prone to dislocation (and, presumably, further damage) sounds like a very bad idea to me. One little patch of black ice during a walk with your dog could cause you untold misery. Don't risk it.

[conjugate]

I'll add my vote to schedule your surgery as soon as you can.  Take care of yourself so you can take care of everything else you and your housemate need you to take care of.

[sikora]

I am worried about how disabled and dependent my housemate will be, and if I should wait until spring so that I will be available to help take care of her.  I don't know if we can have two recovering people in the same place.  She doesn't do well with pain, as I said, even when treated with medication.  She can't do anything but be in pain.  From what she's told me of her previous experience (this will be the second time she will have this surgery), and what she's dealing with now, we are looking at some real disability.  How  can I share a house with someone like that and not do what I can? I can drive, walk, wash dishes, clean, shop, take care of the dogs, and more, and do that indefinitely as long as I don't get hurt again.

[sikora]

So I had the talk with the roommate.  She would like me to postpone my own surgery, if possible, until spring.  She said, as an aside, that whatever will happen we'll manage, but she said that with some ire, soft controlled ire, but there nonetheless. She will need help with most everything in her life, not toileting, but often with dressing, and laundry, shopping, dog care, housekeeping, even getting to and from a car to go to the doctor, maybe even getting in and out of bed. The way home health care works, my presence means she can't get an aide.  I don't think that she is going to ask me to do a lot of intimate care for her. She did help me get dressed when I fell down the stairs and dislocated my shoulder. It was an emergency and I was buck nekkid.  I would have done the same for her.  As soon as she got me to the VA and got my brother on the phone, she went on to work. One time seems so different from three months.

I moved in knowing she had some health problems, but I didn't know I would develop my own.  I feel very bad about myself for being angry about this.  I'd like to get my shoulder fixed as soon as possible, but unless something happens, there's not a lot of difference between say, January and May. So I could help her through those 12 weeks + of disability, keeping up with the housework, laundry, etc. The weight bearing required may be an issue, but shouldn't cause a dislocation.  She won't be able to go up or down stairs, drive, etc.for three months.  This will be 12 weeks, unless the surgery fails again. This is the second time around.

If I do get hurt at home, she will be totally unable to help me beyond calling my brother or 911. I also want to be working by then.  If I have the shoulder repair, I won't be able to do a lot of upper body stuff,  but I could do public transportation, and work with my head.  I will be able to type.  I will have trouble with laundry and dishes, but while it will hurt,  I could do those things.  What's the difference between 6 or 8 weeks of recovery in such situations?  It's the same, right?  Six weeks is just two weeks less than eight.  My needs are relatively minor.

We are not a pair or a domestic partnership.  She is my friend and I value that.  I feel like a dirty rotten scoundrel for being frustrated. I just wish I could focus on her and not think about my own body. Her surgery is Dec 18, she will be home by the 20th, and will need help for 12 weeks.  I may need to help her stand, to actually lift her at times.

The way things are going, I think I will postpone my own surgery until Spring. If she still needs help, she'll have to turn to social services, even if it means I have to move out so she'll qualify. 

I don't worry about somebody taking care of me.  I've learned that if you do too much, you just prolong the recovery, but you still recover.

I guess I'm just selfishly mad because I want to take care of my own relatively minor needs first.  But that's not being a decent human being.

I'm just venting.  I've made my decision:  no shoulder surgery for me until May.

[t_r_b]

I guess I'm just selfishly mad because I want to take care of my own relatively minor needs first.  But that's not being a decent human being.

I'm just venting.  I've made my decision:  no shoulder surgery for me until May.

Sikora, I hope you will reconsider. Your roommate sounds scarily manipulative and passive-aggressive. She is playing you into feeling sorry for her, and into sacrificing your own well-being in order to be her personal, unpaid home health aide for several months. I can guarantee you right now that those months will be hell for you: she clearly knows how to push your guilt buttons, and also knows that making lots of noise about her pain and suffering will get you to do what she wants. Whether or not the thing about home health care is true (and I am skeptical), it is utterly ridiculous for her to expect you to step into the breach and dress her, clean up after her, etc. I worry that once she has you in that role, she will play you for all you are worth and take gross advantage.

You have told us that you are at significant risk for a repeat dislocation up until you have your surgery. I'm guessing that such a dislocation could do even more structural damage to your shoulder than you already are dealing with. You will be doing grocery shopping, etc. for two, plus a dog, in the middle of what looks to be a long and cold winter. What might otherwise be a minor slip on the ice for someone else could easily turn into something extremely painful and potentially debilitating for you. I understand your desire to take care of someone else: you are a good person and therefore want to help. But at the end of the day you can't be of any help to others unless you first take care of yourself. Please keep that in mind and take more time to think about this - time in which you are free from her guilt trips and manipulation.

[sikora]

Thanks, tbr, for the thoughts.  I think I've over played the manipulativeness and passive-aggressiveness.  Most of the time we get a long fine, and I am prone to guilt as it is, having been skillfully raised for that.  For instance, if someone in the house is doing a chore, I often feel guilty and anxious about it, and I try to do chores before anybody else can get to them.   So a lot of this is about me, not her, I think.

I will refuse to do things like toileting. 

Talk about aggressive and manipulative:  her older sister.  When her sister is here, I simply agree with every thing she says.  That's the best way to get along with her. Strong, commanding personality. 

[conjugate]

Thanks, tbr, for the thoughts.  I think I've over played the manipulativeness and passive-aggressiveness.  Most of the time we get a long fine, and I am prone to guilt as it is, having been skillfully raised for that.  For instance, if someone in the house is doing a chore, I often feel guilty and anxious about it, and I try to do chores before anybody else can get to them.   So a lot of this is about me, not her, I think.

I will refuse to do things like toileting. 

Talk about aggressive and manipulative:  her older sister.  When her sister is here, I simply agree with every thing she says.  That's the best way to get along with her. Strong, commanding personality. 

Sounds like you ought to consider finding a new place to live.  I think you need to get the surgery done as soon as you can because (as T_R_B points out) the longer you go without it, the greater the chance of a new dislocation.  It's not right for you to risk your own long-term well-being for your housemate's convenience, especially as she is not a domestic partner, just a housemate.

[sikora]

Thanks, tbr, for the thoughts.  I think I've over played the manipulativeness and passive-aggressiveness.  Most of the time we get a long fine, and I am prone to guilt as it is, having been skillfully raised for that.  For instance, if someone in the house is doing a chore, I often feel guilty and anxious about it, and I try to do chores before anybody else can get to them.   So a lot of this is about me, not her, I think.

I will refuse to do things like toileting.  

Talk about aggressive and manipulative:  her older sister.  When her sister is here, I simply agree with every thing she says.  That's the best way to get along with her. Strong, commanding personality.  

Sounds like you ought to consider finding a new place to live.  I think you need to get the surgery done as soon as you can because (as T_R_B points out) the longer you go without it, the greater the chance of a new dislocation.  It's not right for you to risk your own long-term well-being for your housemate's convenience, especially as she is not a domestic partner, just a housemate.

I just moved in a couple of months ago. There's a lot going on here about saving a mortgage, preventing foreclosure, etc.  And I've moved 4 times in 2 years.  

Upon reflection, I think things will be okay.  Let's see what my surgeon says.  If needed, I'll get it in writing and present it to her, and we'll have to brainstorm options.  

Plus, when you live with people, what you prefer is not necessarily what you get.

One of these days my life will be my own again, I can b*tch about fixing my own toilets or something like that.


Now, to my own laundry

[conjugate]

Upon reflection, I think things will be okay.  Let's see what my surgeon says.  If needed, I'll get it in writing and present it to her, and we'll have to brainstorm options.  

Plus, when you live with people, what you prefer is not necessarily what you get.

One of these days my life will be my own again, I can b*tch about fixing my own toilets or something like that.


Now, to my own laundry

Talking with your surgeon is a good idea.  I can't really judge, of course, but I do worry about you.  Hang in there, and keep us posted!

[ideagirl]

She will need help with most everything in her life, not toileting, but often with dressing, and laundry, shopping, dog care, housekeeping, even getting to and from a car to go to the doctor, maybe even getting in and out of bed. The way home health care works, my presence means she can't get an aide.  

If you are present but also disabled yourself due to surgery, it cannot possibly work that way, because you will be physically unable to help. Get a letter to that effect from your doctor. In fact, that might be a good reason to get your surgery this winter: you could kill two birds with one stone, simultaneously taking care of your own body and creating a situation whereby it is impossible for you to be her aide, so her insurer (or whoever's paying) has to give her an aide.

And BTW, who is telling you "the way home health care works"? Who would provide the home health care in question--Medicaid, her insurance company, what? I'm just asking because someone here may know how it really works from first-hand experience. My first-hand experience, or I guess technically second-hand because the person needing aides is my mother, is that if the party paying for the care is Medicaid, Medicare, or even an insurer whose reimbursement rates are not high, the party providing the care (generally a home health agency) will flat-out lie to you about what you're eligible for and what the requirements are. I've seen this happen with my mom multiple times in three different states.

So my point is, do not take whoever's word for it that your mere presence alone makes her ineligible. Find out what her actual rights are. You're not a family member; you have no legal relationship to her and I can guarantee you that there's no law anywhere by which a mere housemate has any legal responsibility whatsoever to a fellow housemate in her situation, and I'm saying this not because I'm arguing that you don't have responsibility here but just because in the absence of a legal relationship or a law, an insurance company (or Medicaid or whoever it is) has nothing to hang its hat on as far as presuming that you are available to help her. And that's without even considering the fact that you may very well be disabled yourself at the same time.

And if your housemate resists your efforts to figure out what her actual rights are here and brainstorm solutions other than you being her unpaid healthcare aide, then you have to wonder... is she just manipulating you, and taking you for granted? Is she, god forbid, LYING about what it takes to get an aide? (Maybe her insurer is perfectly willing to provide an aide, but she doesn't want to pay the small co-pay or she would just prefer that all this work be done by you.) If she isn't manipulating you, lying, etc., then she should be totally enthused about the two of you figuring out how to get her insurer (or Medicaid, or whoever) to give her a healthcare aide.

Her surgery is Dec 18, she will be home by the 20th, and will need help for 12 weeks.  I may need to help her stand, to actually lift her at times.

Are you serious? Are you KIDDING? You're prone to dislocating your shoulder, you can't even help hang plastic on the windows due to shoulder pain, and you're seriously considering ACTUALLY LIFTING an adult? That's nuts.

I guess I'm just selfishly mad because I want to take care of my own relatively minor needs first.  But that's not being a decent human being.

There's nothing "relatively minor" about being at risk of agonizing pain at any moment, needing shoulder surgery and then requiring 6-8 weeks of recovery. And there's nothing selfish about taking care of your own body, for heaven's sake. Remember the airplane oxygen mask rule: unless you take care of yourself first, you cannot help others.

[sikora]

I will have to say no to the lifting.  But what do you do when there is a human being who needs help and you are the only one available? 

[t_r_b]

I will have to say no to the lifting.  But what do you do when there is a human being who needs help and you are the only one available? 

And what do you do when you yourself are that human being?

Here is an allegorical answer to your question: http://www.bpd411.org/bridgemetaphor.html

[sikora]

I will have to say no to the lifting.  But what do you do when there is a human being who needs help and you are the only one available? 

And what do you do when you yourself are that human being?

Here is an allegorical answer to your question: http://www.bpd411.org/bridgemetaphor.html

Thanks for that.  I'm actually more confused than ever, because I consider this woman my friend. I cannot believe or grasp that someone would manipulate me like that. And I am aware that with my own problems, I have been a "peine" others, although I have worked very hard to take care of myself.  I've come a long way, and I'm trying to give back.

And if I have the surgery, either soon or in the spring, I would need help, too, but not of the same magnitude.