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[sikora]

Following up:  Things are better here, quite chummy and companionable, actually, even with the pending surgery.  As long as Evil Sister is not in the mix, things are okay. 

My housemate's new surgeon sent her to a physical therapist to learn a set of exercises for her to do during her recovery.  Apparently, after her last surgery she didn't get up out of bed much for days, and then for 12 weeks spent most days on the couch, only getting up to use the necessarily.  A lot of people waited on her in terms of bringing her food from the kitchen, doing her shopping, laundry, etc., and taking charge of her dog. (the dog is geriatric and has bad hips, and thus really only needs to be fed and let out in the back yard).  Roommate stayed on the couch for three months, and she admitted to me that she pretty much fell apart emotionally and physically.  She developed other physical problems.  Her current surgeon believes that her inactivity was a major cause of the failure of the first surgery.  He says that she is supposed to be up and on her knee walker within two hours of recovering from anesthesia, barring complications, and from there it's vertical as much as possible. I wonder, given her strong emotional response to pain, if she will do it, or if she will refuse to get up, screaming to be shot (which she did the last time, I hear).  The surgery is being done in an outpatient surgery center, not a hospital, so unless she's in real trouble and transferred to a hospital, there's no staying overnight.  Truly, I hope the nurses have a drill sergeant attitude. 

I don't get this demanding extreme attention from family and friends for three months.  Of course, I don't know what happened or the extent of her disability.  But it all kind of reminds me of Freud's idea of "His Majesty, the Baby."  Of course, I've been guilty of that behavior, but it didn't work too well in my family, nor in the Army. Nor on these fora, when I've oozed my own self-pity. 

But at any rate, I think I have my boundaries set.  I will not provide her with extensive emotional support.  I have a job now, and my own obligations, and apparently she has an army of care-givers.

[conjugate]

Following up:  Things are better here, quite chummy and companionable, actually, even with the pending surgery.  As long as Evil Sister is not in the mix, things are okay. 

Congratulations.  I hope it continues to go well.  Hang in there, Sikora, and give Laika a hug for me.

[biomancer]

I'm glad to read this, Sikora!  I also hope things continue to go well.  How's your shoulder doing?

<bellyrub for Laika>

[womanofproperty]

Her current surgeon believes that her inactivity was a major cause of the failure of the first surgery.  He says that she is supposed to be up and on her knee walker within two hours of recovering from anesthesia, barring complications, and from there it's vertical as much as possible.

I'm more familiar with spinal fusion surgery but I think it would apply to ankle fusion as well.  From what I've read the fusion process begins with surgery, with bone grafts used to connect certain bones (e.g. vertebrae in the spinal column).  However, the process of fusion continues after surgery - the bone grafts are supposed to grow together with the goal of stabilizing the joint.  Since weight-bearing activity fosters bone growth, it really is in your housemate's best interest to be as active as possible.

[mdwlark]

Sikora,  It is so good to hear you being so strong and resolute.  Happy holidays to you and your little mutt, and I hope more understanding will come between you and the roommate. 

[see_wolf]

Truly, I hope the nurses have a drill sergeant attitude. 

Most of them do... mixed with a caring personality.  They are in charge of getting people up and moving... and headed home.

[sikora]

I'm glad to read this, Sikora!  I also hope things continue to go well.  How's your shoulder doing?

<bellyrub for Laika>

Thanks for asking! 98% of the time, it's like nothing happened at all.  Sometimes when I reach, I feel some pain, not much. I know that if I were swimming, I couldn't do a crawl or freestyle.

I probably could shovel snow, but I've told my roommate I've been advised against it (which I have, but not just for my shoulder. In 2005 I had my c5/c6 disc removed and my own spinal bone graft.  Shoveling snow is one of the risky activities for blowing the disc above or below).  The risk is small, but simply put, I don't want to do it.  The thing is, in this city, homeowners by law have to clear the sidewalks around their house, including any walks up to the house itself.  The fine for not doing so can be heavy.  And a neighbor doesn't have to complain, city workers randomly inspect sidewalks after snowfalls.  This city takes snow seriously, and I suspect with budget woes cutting into the amount of street plowing, the city is going to increase its surveillance of residents' responsibilities. I'm not shoveling the snow; she has to figure this one out herself.  One of her friends has a 12 year old son, and he does it sometimes, but that family doesn't live around here and both parents are professionals with jobs, the kid has school.  The neighborhood association coordinates a group of volunteers that help elderly and disabled residents with snow shoveling and leaf raking and I think she qualifies and should call. I've pointed it out to her.  If I were her, I'd set up a permanent arrangement so that she doesn't have to worry every time it snows an inch or more. Or ices.   Ice counts.  If there is an ice storm, the homeowner is required by law to clear the ice from the walks.

But that's her issue.  She can't afford a fine.  Her disability checks will be less than her mortgage payments.  I don't know how she's going to do this.

[biomancer]

Sikora, here's an odd idea for clearing the snow:  Are you near a college that has fraternities or other student groups that might be oriented towards community service (Circle K, for example)?  At some of the schools in my area, student groups will clear the snow from the sidewalks of elderly or disabled folks - often for free as part of their "community service" requirement (though they'll happily accept a donation towards their charity of choice in return for the service).  If that's not already happening and you know anyone from these student groups, it could be worth floating the idea.

[womanofproperty]

The neighborhood association coordinates a group of volunteers that help elderly and disabled residents with snow shoveling and leaf raking and I think she qualifies and should call. I've pointed it out to her.  If I were her, I'd set up a permanent arrangement so that she doesn't have to worry every time it snows an inch or more. Or ices.   Ice counts.  If there is an ice storm, the homeowner is required by law to clear the ice from the walks.

It doesn't make sense that your housemate isn't taking advantage of the neighborhood volunteers.  She may just have to learn this the hard way, though, when she's fined - which would be too bad.

[sikora]

I can see this might become a problem for me:  "Just this one time, or I get fined. Please.  Don't make me get fined." 

Stand firm, Sikora!

[bud04]

Yes please stand firm Sikora. Remember cleaning the snow is her responsibility not yours. Take care of yourself.

[sikora]

It snowed, and drifted a good foot on the front walk and porch.  Remind me, I'm not to do this, and it isn't my responsibility.... 

I bought a battery run outdoor light for the back yard. I paid for it myself. It's too bitter to put it up right now, hopefully the temps will go up and the wind will go down.  There's no porch light front or back.  I bought it for my roommate, I just did.  It was the only one I could find that was battery run (no wiring) and weather proof.  I did it because she needed it, and she is too poor to replace the light that's there right now. Now that it's here, she's f***ing disappointed with it.  Before it arrived, she was happy and actually said thank you, and bought the batteries.  Now it isn't what she hoped. 

I do not have to take care of her, I do not have to take care of her, I do not have to take care of her....

Did I mention that the house is kept at 62, and the vents are closed in the living room, kitchen, and dining room, so those rooms get down to 55?   I have a space heater in my own room, and by god if she complains about the electric bill, I may lose it.

She really is a good soul, she's just very poor, about to have major surgery, close to losing her house ... We have plastic and/or blankets over all the windows.  I'm going to a thrift store tomorrow to see if I can find another good blanket for my bed. 

[conjugate]

You are not to shovel the snow.  You don't have to take care of her. 
*mystical gesture*
These aren't the droids you're looking for.  You can go on about your business now.

Sorry; Star Wars flashbacks are one of the hazards of having done too much Lucas in my younger days.

Be strong and stay calm.

[bud04]

You do not have to take care of her. You do not have to take care of her. You do not have to take care of her.

Oh Sikora please keep reminding yourself of this! I hate thinking of you being cold. Find a really nice quilt too  so you will be nice and warm. And hide that space heater so you can keep using it! I assume that your four pawed friend is nice and snuggly with you in your room so hu is warm?

BTW you really are a good soul to be so understanding about your roommate. 

[sikora]

This is all crazy making.  Big Sister is here. She thinks I should take off work next Friday to be with housemate. I don't want to, I want to work. I need the money. I want to please my boss. She doesn't say this to my face, she says it in my hearing. I truly feel compassion for my housemate's pain, but I just don't have it in me to provide her with all the emotional support she demands needs. I just don't have it.  I can do housework, I can cook, I can do the laundry,I can take care of the dogs, but I just don't have anything in me to give her during the moaning, groaning, and screaming period. And I feel like an cold b*tch about that.  But I've been through a lot myself, I'm just getting my own life together.  I work on listening to her, and validating her feelings.  But everything changes when Big Sister is here.

I'm thinking I should just get out of town from Christmas. I could go back to Kansas and visit my bestests friends in the world, and I think they will have me.  Big Sister is going out of state for Christmas, and only housemate's 83 year old dad will be in town.  I just can't stand the idea of spending Christmas day in this house with the two of them.  I really want to be with people who love me, where I can relax and breath. 

I am very upset right now.