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[sikora]

I'm not doing surgery, but PT.  The risks, pain, and recovery time outweigh the benefits.  The surgery itself didn't scare me, but the six weeks of recovery and dependency did. 

RANT FOLLOWS

But I'm really struggling with resentment towards my housemate and her sister. I feel like I'm kind of being sucked into something toxic. I really, really want to live my own life, esp. now that my job is starting up.  Sister is protective, demanding, bossy, argumentative, emotionally aggressive,  and has a martyr complex (oh, look what I do for you). The best way to get along with her is to agree with everything she says, keep quiet, and if you can, flee. The other day we almost started arguing about whether there were still Mayan speaking people in the world.  I said yes, there were, and she launched into a tirade about how the Mayan civilization was destroyed by the Spanish, etc., and Mayan wasn't spoken anymore.  There are plenty of Mayan speaking people in Oaxaca and Guatemala, and the Mayan civilization predated the Spanish conquest. But there is no point arguing about it, so I swallowed my pride and agreed with her.  But she kept going for another minute or so. I gritted my teeth. I wanted to watch the last of the TV program that was on.

She doesn't like me, either, probably deservedly on my part. As much as I try, I think my resentment is showing through.  Housemate was very close to her past roommate and misses him very much. 

It comes down to this.  I want to go to work, come home, spend some time playing banjo, playing with my dog, working on my stuff, going to sleep, and doing it all over again.  I don't want to sacrifice myself for something that feels fishy and manipulative.  I know longer have the excuse of my own health issues, though.

I'm angry, and I feel bad about that.

[biomancer]

Sikora, now that you've got a decent job lined up, could you afford to move out to a different place where you don't have to deal with your roommate and her sister?  I know you like your roommate, but her sister is way out of line here, and you seem to be well aware of that, and it seems there's nothing to be done about her behavior but get out of her way.

[sikora]

You know what?  I'm just really glad I don't have to walk three blocks to the LTR, transfer to a bus, then catch the campus bus to work, and then do it in reverse to go home. With my arm braced to my side.  Those LTR platforms are cold in the winter.  

I've written out what I will and won't do for housemate's recovery.  I will do laundry, dishes, vacuum, bathrooms, and clean dog poop in the back yard. I cook, eat, get my clothes dirty, use the bathrooms, and have a dog, too, so that seems reasonable.   I cannot do snow shoveling, so it's her responsibility as the home owner to ensure she complies with the law.  When I'm around, I'm happy to do little "waiting on" things for her, but I'm not going to set up my schedule to do that.  I am happy her dog doesn't need walking.

That's it. She's gotta work on meeting her own needs, and I am only one resource to her. I won't let her lean too hard on me.

Upon edit, I see she's got something of a housekeeper in me.  Hmmm. She's lucky.

[t_r_b]

Upon edit, I see she's got something of a housekeeper in me.  Hmmm. She's lucky.

A housekeeper who pays rent, no less. And who periodically beats herself up for not having better excuses for refusing to be a live-in nurse as well.

[bud04]

Hi Sikora. Please really think about finding another place for you and your dog to live. Can't you study tomorrow's Sunday paper and see if there are other options for you? There must be a place where you may be more comfortable and not have to deal with your rommate and her sister. Please just check. It never hurts and you may find something better. (Maybe something even closer to the LTR or your work).
bud

[sikora]

Hi Sikora. Please really think about finding another place for you and your dog to live. Can't you study tomorrow's Sunday paper and see if there are other options for you? There must be a place where you may be more comfortable and not have to deal with your rommate and her sister. Please just check. It never hurts and you may find something better. (Maybe something even closer to the LTR or your work).
bud

I've moved four times in two years.  Blech.  This is MUCH better than the last two places. 

Thanks for the advice, all.  I think I've figured out what I will and won't do, what I'm comfortable with, and will use Big Sister to hone my own interpersonal skills.   

[sciencephd]

Why not negotiate a rent reduction in exchange for those services ?

[biomancer]

I've moved four times in two years.  Blech.  This is MUCH better than the last two places. 

Thanks for the advice, all.  I think I've figured out what I will and won't do, what I'm comfortable with, and will use Big Sister to hone my own interpersonal skills.   

Ah, I forgot about the frequent moves - I completely understand not wanting to move again.  The written list of what you're willing to do (and what you aren't) is a good idea. 

As always, we're here if you need a sounding board or a place to vent.  I hope that things go smoothly for you!

[bud04]

I certainly understand not wanting to move again too. Moving is never fun and always too much work. Just make sure you are treated well where you live. You deserve happiness wherever you live. Take care of yourself (and of course your dog!).

[sikora]

Thanks everyone,

I think things are going to be okay.  Housemate had some work done on the kitchen floor, which left a lot of dust on all the surfaces.  For a month now, most of the kitchen stuff has been in the dining room, but I am Ms. Flexible, and am patient and tolerate about these kinds of things, were stuff is, etc.  I understood.  Today, housemate was needed to wipe down the walls and other surfaces, to move things back into the kitchen.  I volunteered to help.  I wiped surfaces that I could get at without reaching, she took care of the reaching part, we did the job in less than an hour, and chatted the whole time. She listened to me tell stories of the MCC sale I went to today.  It was very companionable.  Then I left her to put insulating plastic on the windows, doing my own thing, and then we both moved a table back in the kitchen.  I left her to get stuff back on counters and things like that; she was a little worried that I wouldn't like things the way she was arranging them.  If it works, it works, that's okay with me.  I don't mind if the toaster is on the right side of the blender or the left.  Her last housemate did, but he is visually impaired (legally blind but with some vision) AND was going to culinary school. She was often his tester. Lucky her. They were very close, and he moved out to move in with his fiance.  He lived here for five years, and she misses him very much.  They stay in close touch.

I think it's really just Big Sister I need to deal with

A big aside:  Interesting thing about her last housemate.  He graduated from a reputable culinary school with honors, but he is running up against real prejudice.  He can see well enough to work his way around a high class kitchen; he has enough vision to be an excellent professional chef.  He grew an herb garden in the back yard here, he he can do knife tricks, he can see the flames of a stove, and he can handle the stress and long hours. Personally, from what I've heard, I think he is being discriminated against, and may have some legal recourse through the ADA.  Professional chefs work in a highly macho world that may not tolerate "disability."  He lives on SSDI, but he doesn't want to.  He doesn't feel that he, in his chosen profession, is disabled.  He proved it in school and on a couple of part time jobs in high end restaurants.  He wants to work as a professional chef full time, even though it is grueling work with long hours  and lots of stress.  He loves it. 

[sikora]

Argh.  Just argh. 

[inthelab]

Argh.  Just argh. 

What happened?

[bud04]

Are you doing OK sikora?

[sikora]

I'm fine.  I'm just an easy person to manipulate, but I take responsibility for that. I just can't take the anxiety of interpersonal tension, I just can't do it, and I'm letting myself  be used.

[t_r_b]

I'm fine.  I'm just an easy person to manipulate, but I take responsibility for that. I just can't take the anxiety of interpersonal tension, I just can't do it, and I'm letting myself  be used.

Yes. And you have the power to change that. The first step is the radical recognition that you deserve better.

Do you currently have a therapist? I'm guessing that a bit of CBT might help with the interpersonal tension anxiety.

Even if you don't have a therapist, you can always try the worst case/probability strategy:

- What is the worst thing that could happen?
- [something unbelievably awful]
- How likely is that to happen? What percentage probability?
- [you realize it's maybe .01%]
- If it happens, what would you do?
- [you'd deal with it and move on with your life]

It's a way of breaking through the panic response to the perception of danger by assessing the real probability of the feared thing happening, and the real potential consequences. When you break it down like that, it almost always turns out that the thing you fear is far less likely to happen, and/or would be far less devastating if it did, than your panic response allows you to see. And that's because the panic response isn't actually a response to the prospect of real dangers, but rather a response to past dangers that you fear will resurface from earlier in your life. Coming to grips with all that may help you get a more realistic take on the present and future, which may help lessen the anxiety.