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[macaroon]

Oh!  I just thought of something.  Sikora, are you on the hook for a lot of snow shoveling?  You're still in the frozen north, right?  You might want to discuss that with your doctor in regards to when you want to have the surgery.  I don't know what kind of options you have for throwing money at the snow removal.

[sikora]

Oh!  I just thought of something.  Sikora, are you on the hook for a lot of snow shoveling?  You're still in the frozen north, right?  You might want to discuss that with your doctor in regards to when you want to have the surgery.  I don't know what kind of options you have for throwing money at the snow removal.

I rent a room and have run of the house.  The idea is, for my housemate and me, that we live as friends so we don't have to live alone.  So far, that's been wonderful, although my taste for TV runs to PBS, which never gets on the shared TV downstairs.  What has happened with her myriad health problems is the rise of the expectation that I will help her all I can, even if it means postponing my own surgery.  And my feeling is that her family, esp. the "Dragon Lady" (her sister) expect the same from me.  After all, I can walk, drive, etc. Housemate homeowner has been dealing with these health situations for a long time.  Her initial ankle fusion surgery was in January, and it failed. I didn't know that when I moved in. I can't get a good story from her about how her former roommate (of several years) helped her out; I do know him and he is legally blind (he moved because he got married).  Housemate has also has broken both wrists, most of her fingers, and has carpal tunnel problems that apparently don't respond to treatment.   Right now, she can't wash dishes, but that's no big deal.  She buys 30 pound bags of dog food, and she asks me to bring the bags from the car to in the house.  How can I say no?  Who else will do it? Before I fell down the stairs, it was no big deal.  It hurts me now,but it takes me 60seconds to run out to the car, get the bag, and bring it in.  I once had extreme upper body strength for a woman. I  used to bench press 250 pounds, and chest press more than 300. Now I can no longer lift the 30 pound dog food bag to fill the dog food container.  Before the shoulder dislocation, I could do that.  It's very hard even for the two of use to fill the container.  Housemate does not have much use of her right hand due to the (apparently failed) carpal tunnel surgery.

(Funny thing about the carpal tunnel surgery. I looked it up.  Patient information says it may take months for the nerve to return to normal, and that discomfort can last up to a year).

I've already told her I won't shovel snow.  I also have a c5/6 fusion that was perfect, curative, but I was warned by the neurosurgeon that all c5/6 fusion patients are prone to c4/5 or c6/7 problems, and to give up extensive upper body weight training.


Beyond the nebulous friendship stuff, I just rent space, legally, and share the house.  I have no responsibilities to her financial situation beyond me paying my rent to her.

One of the toilets broke.  The plastic lever that connects the external lever to the chain that lifts the drain cover broke.  It was a cheap thing, it just wore out. To flush the toilet, you have to reach in and pull the chain.  I had to work hard today not to buy the stuff to fix the toilet. I felt so guilty that it broke when I flushed, but it was going to break anyway. 

Since I abandoned my house in Kansas, I've lived with my brother and SIL, and they gently kicked me out after four months.  I lived six months with a strange guy who creeped me out, and would get upset by cooking smells. I never felt threatened by him, but I felt I couldn't cook or even be out of my room when he was home.  Then I lived more than six months with a b*tch, her partner, a Vietnam vet who had a strange sense of reality and smoked two packs of cigarettes a day.  Then one of the guy's sons moved in and the bathroom cleaning fell all to me.  Long story, but I literally dealt with a lot of s***, and the smell of bad feet.

Now I'm here, and it's a lot, I mean a lot, better.  What can I say?  Is the price of a decent place to live in relative interpersonal comfort my shoulder?

[t_r_b]

I think you are doing pretty well to recognize the nuances in what's going on.

Agreed.

Is the price of a decent place to live in relative interpersonal comfort my shoulder?

No. The price of a decent place to live is becoming assertive enough to make clear that you are no longer going to do things that could put your shoulder at risk, simply for your landlord/housemate's (or her sister's) convenience. You've already made a solid start by drawing a line at snow shoveling, yard work, fixing the toilet, etc. I suggest that you try extending that line to cover the 30-lb. bags of dog food.

Your account of housemate's myriad health problems, and of her sister's attitude, raises all sorts of red flags for me. I have a hunch that carpal tunnel surgery is kind of like bariatric surgery, in that it only works if accompanied by significant behavioral changes that alleviate the original causes of the problem. Simply put, if housemate's wrists got messed up because she didn't take good care of them, and she had surgery to get them fixed but continued not taking good care of them, no wonder they are still a mess. And they will probably continue to get worse. And it may be that she's okay with that, because the more incapacitated she is, the better her justifications for getting help from others.

It might be worthwhile to take a quick look at these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factitious_disorders
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatoform_disorders

I offer the links not because I think your housemate actually has one of these disorders (I have no way of knowing), but more to illustrate my point that for some people, there is a real psychological benefit to being ill, or to having others believe one is ill. In all likelihood, her pain is very real and rooted in physiological rather than psychological causes, in which case these disorders would not apply. But even in that case, it is quite possible that she gets some sort of psychological boost from the attention she receives for her much complained of symptoms (not to mention all the help around the house), in which case perhaps she is doing much less self care than is necessary for long-term healing.

Bottom line here: continue to be alert, and be careful. And stop lifting those bleeping dog food bags: you know it does your shoulder no good, and it simply isn't worth the risk. Your housemate needs to hire a nice strong neighborhood teenager to rake leaves, shovel snow, and haul whatever things she likes to buy that are too heavy for her to haul herself. You can't be that person any more: your shoulder's health is far too vulnerable, and important.

[sikora]

Something I just thought of:  When, or if (and I'm starting to think in terms of "if") I have this shoulder repair, there really is nobody to help me out.  I won't be able to lift anything, drive (esp. since my car is a stick shift), or even do my hair (I have relatively long hair, shoulder length.  I have gorgeous hair and I want to grow it back out.  However, I could cut it short so I can manage it with one hand/arm). 

Here's housemate's thing:  She's terrified.  The first surgery was so painful and it failed.  Then she went through a 30 day recovery period, but her disability insurance would only give her 30 days.  So she had to return to work.  She works as a young child teacher (that's what her MS is in). She makes less that $15/hour.  She is in DEEP financial doo-doo, although her mortgage is being restructured and payments have been reduced by more than a third (Thank you to Obama's recovery act). She had a small business that failed (not childcare), and she owes money for that.  She has student loans for her MS that amaze me.  40 grand!  To keep her house, she needs a renter, and she's thinking of setting up space for a second renter, if she can clear years of living from her office, etc.   Meanwhile, she has pain all the time in her leg and her wrist, pain that keeps her awake.  Her dog, fortunately, is elderly and has hip problems, so does not need walking. 

After her 12 week recovery period, her short term disability runs out.   She will have to go back to work, healed or not.  I suggested she try SSDI, but apparently what she would get would be less than her mortgage.

So where am I?  I can't abandon her, but I know that even if I wait out her 12 week recovery, she can't help me when I need help.  My family here has downsized, sold their house, and moved to a small co-op.  They can't help me out much anymore. There is no place in this house for someone in my family to stay here (unless housemate does get other rental space cleared up, and my god, I have no idea how she will get that done unless she hires Two Men and a Truck and 1-800-JUNK).

Why am I here?  People like me, and people who rent out space in their homes, do not have many resources, and are often desperate, and we end up in situations like this.

I am so fortunate to have free, high quality health care.  But I don't have the resources to support my recovery.  My dog is relatively young and vital and needs exercise everyday, and I don't want to part with her (I'll part with my hair first :>).

Please don't direct me to SSDI.  I've tried that.  I could qualify eventually if I a) stop taking my meds so I decompensate; and b) keep dislocating my shoulder until I can't use it much anymore. 

I don't know why I'm even posting this, except that I don't have anyone to discuss these things with.  I've done so well this year that I'm not even seeing a psychotherapist.  I do have a regularly scheduled appointment with a social worker case manager, who can perhaps help me troubleshoot this situation.

[mdwlark]

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing so well.  Maybe you could qualify for a temporary home health aide through your insurance too.  I don't know if this fits for you, but do you have a church group that could help?  Does she?  Could you call your state disability office to see what outside services they can refer you to?   

[t_r_b]

So where am I?  I can't abandon her....

Correction: you most certainly can abandon her. You choose not to do so. There is an important difference (as someone pointed out to me the other day on my own thread).

On another note, I learned something new today on Tamiam's thread that might be relevant to your case as well: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=526&cn=8

Again, I'm not offering a diagnosis. But I am trying to illustrate that stories of woe like those you have heard may have as much to do with a person's emotional neediness as they do with actual woe. As a general rule, the people I have known who were experiencing the greatest real woe were the least likely to shout about it. In many cases, the ones who draw attention to their woe are trying to profit (emotionally or materially) by that attention.

[sikora]

So where am I?  I can't abandon her....

Correction: you most certainly can abandon her. You choose not to do so. There is an important difference (as someone pointed out to me the other day on my own thread).

On another note, I learned something new today on Tamiam's thread that might be relevant to your case as well: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=526&cn=8

Again, I'm not offering a diagnosis. But I am trying to illustrate that stories of woe like those you have heard may have as much to do with a person's emotional neediness as they do with actual woe. As a general rule, the people I have known who were experiencing the greatest real woe were the least likely to shout about it. In many cases, the ones who draw attention to their woe are trying to profit (emotionally or materially) by that attention.

And I am grown up enough to know that what you say here works in more than one way.  :)  I've vented here from emotional gain (support), too. 


I don't really have insurance.  But the VA may offer an answer:  they have housing for vets either in recovery or who have to travel a long way for care.  I may be able to stay in a safer place closer to the hospital. Family friends have taken my dog for a weekend; maybe they will be able to take her for a longer time. 

Anyway, I'll talk to the social worker tomorrow and maybe learn about some options. They truly have my best interests in mind, more than any insurance agency. 

As for abandoning C., I realize it is my choice, but I don't know if I can stand how I would feel about myself if I do.

[inthelab]

She will need help with most everything in her life, not toileting, but often with dressing, and laundry, shopping, dog care, housekeeping, even getting to and from a car to go to the doctor, maybe even getting in and out of bed.

I haven't read the reast of the thread yet but THIS IS ABSOLUTELY 100% UNTRUE.  I speak as one who fell and broke both bones (tibia and fibula) in my right ankle last winter, requiring major surgery, and living in a house that's all stairs.  One home visit form a physical therapist will teach housemate (HM) how to: sit on her @$$ and use her arms and good foot to scoot up and down stairs.  True, she must not be alone, but you or someone else should be around to bring walker up and down stairs.  I confess, I figured out how to scoot up and down bringing my walker along with me.  It is possible to buy or borrow a shower stool, so she can sit in tub and shower.  Your landlord might be willing to install a grab bar along the tub wall.  She can use a shallow basin to wet and rinse herself if your shower doesn't have a detachable shower head.  She should be dressing herself in any event- that's ridiculous to think she won't be able to.  She may need to modify her wardrobe (I had to), but I dressed myself AND WENT BACK TO WORK 2 WEEKS AFTER MY SURGERY.  I can't emphasize this enough.  She'll only be as helpless as she lets herself think she'll be.

Help with cooking, laundry, yes, she'll need that for a bit.  If she has a knee walker (I did not), she'll be able to stand and do quite a bit (I wish I had a knee walker so I could take care of my family sooner).  You might exacerbate your own problem helping her.  Whether you put off your surgery or not is up to you, but she won't be as helpless as she leads you to believe.  As for her pain, I don't know what to say.  I came home from the hospital with lots of heavy-duty pain meds and took maybe 2 pills.  That's all.  As long as the joint is properly immobilized, and the surgery site is not infected, there should be minimal pain once she comes home from the hospital.

[sikora]

It has occurred to me that it isn't good for someone to be as inambulatory as possible for 12 weeks.  One can't sit for 12 weeks without losing body tone, bone, or being prone to respiratory and circulatory problems, or going nuts.  I mean,  when I had spinal surgery, the surgeon insisted I walk a whole corridor within two hours of the surgery (with help of course).  After that, for the rest of the day I was there, I was scheduled to spend an hour in bed, 15 minutes walking, and 30 minutes in a chair with a pillow in my lap so I could read comfortably. Kind of fun when you are coming down from anesthesia and morphine. Of course, overnight I slept, but the next morning, 7am, an LPN came and got me out of bed and directed me down the hall and back.  Before breakfast. There was no coddling me. 

I did spend a week with friends, who also took care of my dog.  I mostly had throat pain from the intubation and the surgery.  I had pain in the middle of my back because my spine had been assaulted by four screws and a drill.  But it was manageable, and within a couple of days, I was using only ibuprofen.  I went back to work within two weeks (In fact, I scheduled the surgery because spring break and the long Easter weekend corresponded that year, giving the school a two week break that year).

But the pain in my arms and hands, which was quite bad, was gone and now seems like a bad dream.


I will brainstorm with the social worker tomorrow. 

[inthelab]

It has occurred to me that it isn't good for someone to be as inambulatory as possible for 12 weeks. 

1000% correct.  Someone doing that is sure to develop blood clots or cellulitis or something (happened to my boss after breaking an ankle!), not to mention the utter atrophy of muscles that need not atrophy. 

[buglet]

Sikora, get the surgery.  Seriously.  This is your own physical well being at stake.  You deserve to live pain-free for pete's sake, and for your roommate to ask you to live in pain for her own benefit is ridiculous.  Don't be manipulated.

[sikora]

This is what I have decided to do.  I am going to go with the surgeon's recommendation, get it in writing, and let the chips fall where they may.  Perhaps he'll say surgery can wait until spring, with behavior modification on my part.  I will get a list of what I can't and cannot do, and that will be it.  

It could be that my surgery and recovery will overlap with the start of my job (my job is coming, it's just that the wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly).  I've already planned how to get to and from work using public transportation, and will discuss the possibility of doing much of the work at home.  I like being self-efficacious, I just hate asking for help or denying it to others.

[conjugate]

I hope things work out well for you, Sikora.  Hang in there, and keep us posted on what happens.  The surgeon's advice should be the best.

[sikora]

Frank discussions are not happening, and not without trying.  I can't do anything until I have something written by my doctor.  It may turn into a big blow out about whose needs are the greater.

I'm not going into detail here about i, but I'm already checking to see if my dog's "auntie" can take her for six weeks.  Whatever happens, I will have to take care of myself by myself, as it is.

[buglet]

Sikora, you said

"What has happened with her myriad health problems is the rise of the expectation that I will help her all I can, even if it means postponing my own surgery.  And my feeling is that her family, esp. the "Dragon Lady" (her sister) expect the same from me."

First question:  Ummm, why isn't her **sister** helping her?  She's her sister, you are a roommate.  Have you asked Dragon Lady?  Or have you wanted to avoid asking her, and just assume you are supposed to give up your own needs, because that is what you have done in the past?

Second question:  Would you ever feel comfortable asking a roommate to postpone surgery to help you all she could?  You've said in your last post "Whatever happens, I will have to take care of myself by myself, as it is. "
So, why would you postpone surgery and possibly injure yourself to help someone, but yet say you don't deserve any help?


Also, remember this.  Your roommate/"friend" is having you pay rent so she can keep her house.  It is not in her interest for you to move out, is it?  What do you think the chances are that she would find another roommate who would offer to be a free home health care nurse?  And would a "friend" ask another "friend" to live in pain and postpone surgery for her own benefit?  Not so sure about that.

I am saying this not to attack you, but to gently point out that your needs are important, and just as important as any other person's.  You deserve help, you deserve consideration, you deserve care when you are recuperating from surgery.  No one is better than you, but no one is worse either.  65 years from now, both you and your roommate will be dust, just as most of us will be.  Why then do some deserve more at the expense of others?  Only because you believe that is so, and you make that your reality.  Don't be manipulated.