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[goldenapple]

If you can keep all sarcasm out of your voice, you may respond with:

"Wow, that's amazing!"
or
"I've never heard of anything like that before! That is unbelievable!"
or
"That is incredible!"
or
"Good luck with that!"

Also, always address your fellow student as "Chief", "Big Guy," "Slugger" or "Ace," as in, "Hey there, Slugger, how's the book proposal coming along?" or "I'm looking forward to that article, Ace!"

[untenured]

Clearly, this person is delusional. I'm not worried about competing with him, but he is really getting on my nerves. Other than sheer avoidance, any ideas about how to cope with people like this? I'm trying to follow the cardinal rule of STFU, but I fear that I'm going to eventually lash out and say something that I regret.

Avoid if you can.  If not, this fellow should make you smile.  This person is, sooner or later, going to be called on his brashness.  I'd bet he has no idea how arrogant he sounds.  He's not out to get you.  He's simply clueless.  The advantage is yours.

Untenured

[venerable_bede]

I think every program has at least one of them . . . that person who won't shut up about how great they are and how everyone is calling in favors for them. I just got sucked into a half-hour conversation with this colleague (actually, it was more a monologue of him talking and me listening). Some choice snippets:

• "My dissertation is going to be published as a book" (he hasn't written most of it yet).
• "Professor X said at the XYZ Conference that he'd hook me up and get my article published in [Big-Time Journal]." (I've interacted with Professor X on at least four or five occasions and highly doubt he ever said this).
• "I'm really excited about applying for the job at [Dream U]! The last time I was in [Dream City], I got so drunk at this really awesome bar that I forgot how I got back to my hotel."
• "I'm gonna do whatever the bare minimum is that I need to do to get tenure."

Clearly, this person is delusional. I'm not worried about competing with him, but he is really getting on my nerves. Other than sheer avoidance, any ideas about how to cope with people like this? I'm trying to follow the cardinal rule of STFU, but I fear that I'm going to eventually lash out and say something that I regret.

Keep in mind that the cardinal rule of STFU does not preclude clocking him with a haymaker. Silently, of course.

[prephd]

I heart goldenapple's ideas. I'm gonna start calling our grandstander "Scout" or "Big Guy."

If people from Lanford, IL and Scranton, PA make good sit-coms, grad students would, too. I've never heard of this, but I found it when I googled "grad student sitcom:" http://www.squidoo.com/bigbangtheory

[mystictechgal]

I heart goldenapple's ideas. I'm gonna start calling our grandstander "Scout" or "Big Guy."

If people from Lanford, IL and Scranton, PA make good sit-coms, grad students would, too. I've never heard of this, but I found it when I googled "grad student sitcom:" http://www.squidoo.com/bigbangtheory

I don't get television reception at the moment so I don't know if it's still on or not, but it was a pretty decent show.

[larryc]

I think every program has at least one of them . . . that person who won't shut up about how great they are and how everyone is calling in favors for them. I just got sucked into a half-hour conversation with this colleague (actually, it was more a monologue of him talking and me listening). Some choice snippets:

• "My dissertation is going to be published as a book" (he hasn't written most of it yet).
• "Professor X said at the XYZ Conference that he'd hook me up and get my article published in [Big-Time Journal]." (I've interacted with Professor X on at least four or five occasions and highly doubt he ever said this).
• "I'm really excited about applying for the job at [Dream U]! The last time I was in [Dream City], I got so drunk at this really awesome bar that I forgot how I got back to my hotel."
• "I'm gonna do whatever the bare minimum is that I need to do to get tenure."

Clearly, this person is delusional. I'm not worried about competing with him, but he is really getting on my nerves. Other than sheer avoidance, any ideas about how to cope with people like this? I'm trying to follow the cardinal rule of STFU, but I fear that I'm going to eventually lash out and say something that I regret.

1. Start an double blind anonymous blog about him: "The Adventures of Stupendous, Graduate Student of the Millennium."

2. Get a T-shirt made with his picture on it. Wear it around the department. Encourage others to do the same.

3. Every time he tells you something jump to your feet and shout "Holy F*cking s***!!!"

4. Answer him in Chinese.

5. Top everything he says. Him: "Dr. X wants to publish my article in Very Top Journal!" You: "Dr. X offered to adopt me as his son and has already taken me to a family reunion!"

6. Work up a deadly imitation of him.

7. In every class you have together, get there early and take his usual seat.

8. Start a Facebook fan page for him.

[scampster]

I heart the Big Bang Theory, but they are not grad students. They already have their PhDs (except for Howard, but he isn't working on one).

So apparently physicists make good sitcom fodder, but not grad students.

I like larryc's suggestions!

[sugaree]

The grad students in my cohort would have - but then, we were a strange bunch (is this grandstanding? I hope not!).

One of our grandstanders (there were a few) never finished, but instead found a wonderful job as a Dean at an elite boarding school (secondary ed). This is truly the better place for him and he knows it. When I ran into him at a wedding a few years after he got the job, he jokingly indicated that I should call him Dean Super-Guy now. I just as quickly responded that then he better call me Dr. Sugaree (burn!).

As peppergal points out, it can go either way. For now though, have fun with him according to the excellent suggestions posted here.

[t_r_b]

Surely there's a practical joke out there that would be fun for a guy like that -- a letter or two you guys could write up and send him telling him that he's won a Pulitzer, the Nobel Prize for literature or something of that ilk? 

Make it a MacArthur.

As far as the sitcom goes, this guy has already had his own sitcom. Lots of them. It's just that each time, they re-wrote the script to make him something other than a grad student.

In some ways, I identify with and feel sorry for this guy. I suspect he received far too few hugs as a child. Fortunately, though, it's not your job to make up for that deficiency now.

[zainab]

I'm with t_r_b, I feel bad for him.

Someone upthread said karma is a b*tch. True. And that there is reason NOT to laugh at him.

[crowie]

Keep conversations superficial and walk away saying how busy you are once he starts on his schtick. 

And, yeah, like others said, don't worry, everyone sees through him--including Dr. X.

[henry_adams]

Although it's fun to imagine humiliating Loud Mouth, don't do it.  At some point in the future Loud Mouth may end up on a conference planning committee or award committee or some other position of power, and you don't want Loud Mouth to recall you as the one who called him on his foolishness.  It may seem impossible, but I've seen it happen.

[msparticularity]

Although it's fun to imagine humiliating Loud Mouth, don't do it. 

Agreed. But do imagine it (in vivid detail!) if it brings you pleasure. :)

[laclionaute]

I also think you should give him/her a nickname.  I call mine "Cornell" because he reminds me of Andy Bernard from the Office, forever dropping the name of his Alma Mater.  I also made up a few mocking little songs about him, just to give vent to my irritability.  Unfortunately Cornell has just been eclipsed by The Watcher in the cohort behind him.  The Watcher stands there watching you until you're forced to look up at him, at which point he grandstands.  So now I pretend I have no peripheral vision whatsoever.  Oh, of course I never refer to them by nicknames TO them, nor have I treated them to the ditties.  My solace is strictly internal, and petty.

[conjugate]

He won't shut up, because he's trying to convince himself, not you.  He's scared.

• "My dissertation is going to be published as a book" (he hasn't written most of it yet).
• "Professor X said at the XYZ Conference that he'd hook me up and get my article published in [Big-Time Journal]." (I've interacted with Professor X on at least four or five occasions and highly doubt he ever said this).
• "I'm really excited about applying for the job at [Dream U]! The last time I was in [Dream City], I got so drunk at this really awesome bar that I forgot how I got back to my hotel."
• "I'm gonna do whatever the bare minimum is that I need to do to get tenure."

Clearly, this person is delusional. I'm not worried about competing with him, but he is really getting on my nerves. Other than sheer avoidance, any ideas about how to cope with people like this? I'm trying to follow the cardinal rule of STFU, but I fear that I'm going to eventually lash out and say something that I regret.

I agree with the suggestion to respond with humor, but then I respond to everything with humor, including things where humor is inappropriate (and almost choke holding it back).  Also, on the assumption that this person won't listen to anything you really say when you talk to him (because he's waiting for the opportunity to pop off with the next big Imaginary Personal Triumph), you might imagine responses to some of his comments.

"I'm really excited about applying for the job at [Dream U]! The last time I was in [Dream City], I got so drunk at this really awesome bar that I forgot how I got back to my hotel."

"Well, that will certainly make any interview you get there more, um, picturesque!  Especially if you get lost on the way back from the bar!"