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[distressed_student]

I am lately flunking out of grad school, mainly because I try to balance work, home, and family life. Apparently I'm flunking that, too.
My oldest stepdaughter should be a senior in college, but has spent the last year getting F's at the local community college and is now no longer enrolled (she lives with her grandmother now, away from the prying eyes of her academically-motivated stepfather). She currently puts on the charade that she is, though, so she can live rent-free at her grandmother's. A former high school honor student and active in extracurriculars, she now works part time at a hamburger joint and has a similarly unmotivated boyfriend. I can only hope (though I doubt it) that she has not ventured toward any other unsavory worlds.
My youngest stepdaughter (sr. in high school) lied to me (with the help of her mother) about attending the local college fair. Put simply, she didn't go at all, but told me she stayed for 20 minutes. Her repsonse when I said to her, "Hey! Let's go check out some colleges together, your choice!" She said, "Why?" , as she wants to go to the same community college as stepdaughter #1.
My wife is aiding and abetting them. I have always loved her but lately it's rough.
As I am the sole person in the house with any college, I have always made it important to not push and cajole an academic future. But now it's all crumbling. Now I am mad about it all, and so now I am an ogre.
I'm no snob, and hardly an elitist. But within a year it's all changed. Big time.

[fishbrains]

Freewill is a beeyaaatch, and you can't make people do things they don't want to do. Easy to say, but hard to apply to your kids.

Let them work crap jobs for a while. They'll figure it out pretty quickly.

It only took me 14 years. Okay . . . well . . . maybe I'm not the best example there. But no one could make me go to college until I was ready.

[distressed_student]

Agreed. I myself went back to college pushing 30. I teach and go to grad school now, and am in my mid-40's.
But my fear is that it all falls down. I have a feeling it already has. They have few, if any, peers that are involved in any sort of college, and except for me, no one in their immediate family finished college.  My family however, has oodles of college grads. I have a feeling there may be some class warfare going on in our home. Anyone else in academia out there that feels my pain, or are you all just shaking your heads thanking God that your kids are at Cornell and doing well? (Can't say I blame you if you were)

[spork]

No more financial support from you to any child who reaches 18 years of age.

Let the children and their bio mom make their own decisions.

If you can't accept these decisions, get a divorce.

[distressed_student]

It's pretty much that way now. As I said, the oldest moved out. And I pay nothing for her college (which she now does not attend---found out through the back door) and now she is struggling financially. I'm all for tough love, but she's on the Baby Mama fasttrack the way it's looking.
So, these girls I've raised for years now. I'm angry and hurt, but I still love them. I hope they get it together. But I do think I'm now out of the picture, kindasorta, for all the kids.

[antiphon1]

Not there, yet.

However, you can't make a newly hatched adult or a soon to be hatched adult do anything they don't want to do.  

Let your stepdaughters figure this out on their own.  They obviously don't and won't take your advice.  Focus on getting your semester back on track.  

[colette_capricious]

I think it's human nature to think that everyone else is 'doing better' or their kids are doing better.

I'm in the same age boat as you. In grad school at 42, trying to balance work, school and family. My kids are a lot younger than yours are. I'd be surprised if my middle one finishes high school. She and school just don't get on. She's very very bright, but difficult. I expect a GED from her and some travel.

I didn't get my bachelors until two years ago. I tried it the 'right' time but it just wasn't right for me. And I don't think it was a mistake to drop out. I had a different path. It made me who I am. Not getting a college degree right away isn't a guarantee of a bad life. Getting one doesn't ensure a good one. You have to want it.

All you can control at this point is your performance. Don't fail out of grad school! You can do it! I know it's hard. I'm a single parent with full custody in a different country. But it's so worth it.  You'll set an example for your daughters so they'll always know it's possible. And when they want to go to college, they will.

[distressed_student]

I know, it just hurts, a lot. When they were little, I loved stopping on road trips to old prestigious ivy-covered college campuses, just to let them see the cool older kids playing frisbee and walking to the library. I thought I was planting seeds for their future, and I never pushed it, because when they'd visit other family, they'd see high school dropouts with four kids by 25 and grandparents who did the same. I always figured that they'd do this. Always pictured them with their faces painted in the stands at the game on ESPN, etc, because that's the way they were in HS.
It is affecting my college terribly. It gnaws at me and I want them to do well and be happy. I also don't want to raise their grandkids while they live at our house, I;m venting, I know. Thanks.

[fishbrains]

Anyone else in academia out there that feels my pain, or are you all just shaking your heads thanking God that your kids are at Cornell and doing well? (Can't say I blame you if you were)

Cornell? Let's get my oldest through 4th grade and long division before we worry about college.

[prephd]

Freewill is a beeyaaatch

This is so true. So true, I am stealing it for my tagline. Thank you.

[the_honey_badger]

The real issue it seems is with your wife. Why is she "aiding and abetting?" Was she supportive of your continued education or is it a case of fearing being left behind in some way?  I'm wondering because I watched my own sister whose great goal in life was to be "the first from her high school class to get married" (which she stated in her yearbook 'future goal' tagline) and was push her own daughter in this direction. It was obviously about validating her own long-ago choices in that case.

[collegekidsmom]

I have older children. I have watched all kinds of scenarios play out with all of the friends and relatives. Over time what truly seems to have worked the best(once decisions have been made by the kids and that's the way it's going to be)-is just to love them. Be a Dad, listen to them, love them-you don't have to pay, enable, or support the lifestyle, but just be there, talk, get to know who they really are. Outside of that, they will live their lives, and either you'll be in those lives or left out. If you have to be disappointed and grieve for the idea that you had for their future while they chose something else, go ahead and be sad for yourself away from them. They are there, and you can love them if you choose to. I have seen this work over time. Your disappointment will have to be yours, and there is a whole life for you all to enjoy outside of that. Years will go by and their own lives will play out in ways that you (or they) can't see now. You are all here now and you can decide to just love them.

[prytania3]

Anyone else in academia out there that feels my pain, or are you all just shaking your heads thanking God that your kids are at Cornell and doing well? (Can't say I blame you if you were)

This is so obnoxious it brings out the natural snarkiness in me.

First, it is clear that your dream of ivy covered buildings for these girls is exactly that--*your* dream.

Second, failing out of a community college is not great, but it's a lot cheaper than failing your first year at Cornell. And quite frankly, I think anyone who pays over 50K/year for kids to drink and party is a lunatic. You ought to be thrilled they're going to community college.

[t_r_b]

It is affecting my college terribly.

Stop trying to control the kids, or to make them realize your ambitions. Start trying to control yourself, and to make yourself realize your ambitions. Try leading them by example rather than by fiat. If they opt not to follow your example, see the above comment on free will.

Most of all, bear in mind that you are currently setting them an example of how to flunk out of school due to an excessive preoccupation with controlling guiding the lives of others. Is that really an example you want them to follow? Do you want the stepdaughter with the unmotivated boyfriend to internalize the lesson that one should sacrifice one's own dreams and well-being to take care of someone else? Think about it.

[see_wolf]

Anyone else in academia out there that feels my pain, or are you all just shaking your heads thanking God that your kids are at Cornell and doing well? (Can't say I blame you if you were)

This is so obnoxious it brings out the natural snarkiness in me.

First, it is clear that your dream of ivy covered buildings for these girls is exactly that--*your* dream.

Second, failing out of a community college is not great, but it's a lot cheaper than failing your first year at Cornell. And quite frankly, I think anyone who pays over 50K/year for kids to drink and party is a lunatic. You ought to be thrilled they're going to community college.

Glad you jumped in on this, pry.  You are much better at snark than me.

She said, "Why?" , as she wants to go to the same community college as stepdaughter #1.
 

SHE WANTS TO GO to this college.  A community college does not translate into a life of failure.  Many (very successful) people got their start at a cc.  It is right for some people, especially someone who WANTS TO GO there.