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[kedves]

It's fine to teach a lesson, but don't teach it at the expense of someone's health.

I agree entirely and absolutely.  PLEASE give her health and life through insurance so you never have to make the decision about what to do when ------ (a true bad place, not anything like the situation you are in now). 

I wonder if you realize how you sound in some of your posts.  Snap out of it!

[spork]

"There's room to move as a fry cook, Otto." - Kevin

[mystictechgal]

It's fine to teach a lesson, but don't teach it at the expense of someone's health.

I agree entirely and absolutely.  PLEASE give her health and life through insurance so you never have to make the decision about what to do when ------ (a true bad place, not anything like the situation you are in now). 

I wonder if you realize how you sound in some of your posts.  Snap out of it!

Additionally, you should probably either continue to carry her on your auto insurance or (better) make sure she has a policy of her own.  If she ever gets into an accident you can't count on the other person to have health insurance or count on their insurance policy to cover any injuries.  I wouldn't care much if her car is covered.  If she cracks that up and has to buy a beater, so be it.  But, you need to make sure that there's coverage for any bodily injury or things could turn really ugly in a hurry.

[marigolds]

You can say, look, we can't carry you on the plan, but it's important to me that you have insurance, so I'm going to get you an individual policy for your birthday, and Christmas, and all your birthdays, and all your Christmases until you have your own plan.

It's fine to teach a lesson, but don't teach it at the expense of someone's health.

This is a really good idea.

[spectacle]

You can say, look, we can't carry you on the plan, but it's important to me that you have insurance, so I'm going to get you an individual policy for your birthday, and Christmas, and all your birthdays, and all your Christmases until you have your own plan.

It's fine to teach a lesson, but don't teach it at the expense of someone's health.

This is a really good idea.

I agree with this.  From now on, on Christmas and birthdays, I'd give a card saying, "your gift this year is health/car insurance..." or whatever.  It may not be extremely expensive if she's young and relatively healthy, but it's necessary and it's going to cost you money.  She'll probably need to be reminded that you're paying for it.

The cell phone?  I'd stop paying for it.  She doesn't need it - if she thinks it's that important, let her pay for it on her own.  She has a job.

And I agree with those who have pointed out that she's not in a "bad place."  She's just figuring out what she wants to do.  She has a high school diploma, she has a home and a job; she's in a much, much better place than a lot of other people. 

I think that you have to stop lying for your stepdaughter.  Don't her grandparents have the right to know what she's doing if she's living under their roof?  Maybe don't come right out and blurt it out, but the next time they ask how she's doing in school, why lie for her? 

Again - leading by example.  Honesty is always better than bs-ing the people you love, don't you think?

[mdwlark]

Ditto on the health insurance.  Like most 20 somethings, my son thought he would live forever and be healthy and gave no thought to health insurance.  He moved home, I got coverage for him under my policy and just got it at the last moment while he still qualified for the policy.  We were within two weeks of the initial enrollment window.  At the time I wisely paid a hefty extra premium for "continuous coverage" which guaranteed coverage back to when he last had insurance.  Three months later he was diagnosed with a serious health problem.  Later I transitioned his part of the coverage into an individual COBRA plan.  The insurance company is not pleased.  Without insurance our family's health care costs would be in the six figure range, and the first figure is not "1."  I'm not trying to redirect the discussion and I don't want to discuss my issue here, but I'm just saying this to give an example to the OP so he can realize a young person not being insured can lead to disaster with health and income for the whole family.  So can a car accident.  They call it "catastrophic health costs" for a reason.

It also explains why I'm a little impatient.  I would be just thrilled if my son could continue to work at the burger stand. I'm hoping he will soon be well enough to enroll in a class or two at the community college and to get a girl friend I can disapprove of.  Actually, she would have to be really bad, or I'm going to just love her.  

distressed student, you only have two problems with this:  Covering up her non-student status to the health insurance company, and your difficulties passing your own course work.  Everything else is a diversion.  I don't have scruples about the poor insurance company, I would just hate to see you get in trouble over it.  I think the student may have to be living with you for coverage too. Something else for you to check on. You probably are eligible to transition her part of the coverage on your health policy into a COBRA policy in her own name. Switching a student policy would be tricky to do midterm. I guess you could say she dropped out or at least ask about the premium rates for a policy coverted to COBRA anonymously first. Or chance it until December. (I didn't tell you to do that.)  There might be cheaper individual policies for a young person.  I pay for my son's policy, you can decide what to do, but don't count on her understanding that she needs it.

Maybe this worry of yours is a diversion of another type and maybe it is the relationship with her mother that needs your attention.  Maybe the two of you should do the hostels in Europe.  You don't need to address that here, but its just a thought.

Oh, and the daughter will make more adult decisions about the age of 22.  Sometimes as late as 25. That is when adolesence actually ends, not 18.  

[t_r_b]

Oh, and the daughter will make more adult decisions about the age of 22.  Sometimes as late as 25. That is when adolesence actually ends, not 18.   

Personally, I'm aiming to get it over with by 40.

[mended_drum]

I don't think I have much that's practical to add to this thread, but I just had a heartbreaking conversation with a student today that reminded me of it.  This student has a zero in my course.  A zero.  She's not earned a single point.  She comes to class, but doesn't do the reading, the homework or turn in papers.  Nothing.

I talked to her advisor, who called a meeting with her.  Same thing in her other classes.

She has several medical issues including narcolepsy and, now, a thyroid which has stopped working completely.  I saw her today, when she brought me a drop slip, and I gently suggested that she take a medical withdrawal from all of her classes and concentrate on her health.  She agreed that this is exactly what she wants to do.  However, her parents' health insurance won't carry her if she's not enrolled at least half time in college.  And, because of her previous medical history, she can't get affordable insurance on her own (no $90 a month policies for her--not a chance).  So she has to stay enrolled, but her medical issues make it impossible for her to pass the classes she's enrolled in. 

It's a real mess, frankly. 

OP, try to get her some insurance, an individual policy.  The cell phone, of course, she can live without.  It sounds to me like you've been a great dad; your kid is acting ungrateful and irresponsible.  You're probably right to make her take responsibility for her actions, but I'd do it calmly and quietly.  Unless things go horribly awry, she'll clean up her act in a few years and find it easier to restore her relationship with you if avoid treating her as a child now.   

[distressed_student]

Thanks, all of you.
A late development from yesterday. Her mother (my wife) and I got into a huge row about why my stepdaughter wasn't spending her birthday with us. To make it short, I was the only one who thought that celebrating her 21st birthday ON her birthday was crucial. I'm all for her seeing her grandparents for dinner (which she did) and then going out with her friends afterward, but I wanted at least a few minutes for a happy birthday and a bit of cake (and the traditional loot) beforehand. 21 is a biggie, is it not?
Sometimes it seems that I am the only one worried about this.
Finally, the birth father is out of the picture, and I had forgotten: He has great insurance, and currently has her on his policy (I've given her secondary, not primary, coverage all these years, but because she would go with us to the doctor I keep forgetting about his coverage). So at this point, if she was off my policy, she would remain on his. However, any residuals (which mine used to mop up---same great insurance company as his) would now become her responsibility.

[grasshopper]

Thanks, all of you.
A late development from yesterday. Her mother (my wife) and I got into a huge row about why my stepdaughter wasn't spending her birthday with us. To make it short, I was the only one who thought that celebrating her 21st birthday ON her birthday was crucial.

Sounds pretty controlling to me. Something to mull over: if you're the only one who thinks it's important, and everyone else has a different take on the situation, maybe everyone else has a point. This just doesn't sound row-worthy.

How much are you trying to control this girl's life, anyway? It's starting to seem like her academics aren't the only part of her life you're trying to control. Yeah, most young adults around that age still need parental guidance. But telling them where they have to be on their birthdays? Sounds a bit much. This is not a life and death situation. It's far from crucial.

[mystictechgal]

Thanks, all of you.
A late development from yesterday. Her mother (my wife) and I got into a huge row about why my stepdaughter wasn't spending her birthday with us. To make it short, I was the only one who thought that celebrating her 21st birthday ON her birthday was crucial. I'm all for her seeing her grandparents for dinner (which she did) and then going out with her friends afterward, but I wanted at least a few minutes for a happy birthday and a bit of cake (and the traditional loot) beforehand. 21 is a biggie, is it not?
Sometimes it seems that I am the only one worried about this.
Finally, the birth father is out of the picture, and I had forgotten: He has great insurance, and currently has her on his policy (I've given her secondary, not primary, coverage all these years, but because she would go with us to the doctor I keep forgetting about his coverage). So at this point, if she was off my policy, she would remain on his. However, any residuals (which mine used to mop up---same great insurance company as his) would now become her responsibility.

Dude, I'm sorry to tell you this but if you were my father I'd be running, too.  You need to go back and reread your posts.  If and when she gets married are you going to insist that she spend her first anniversary with you, too?  After all, it's a biggie.  Turning 40 is generally a biggie, too.  How would you feel if your father insisted that you had to spend the day with him instead of going out for a quiet dinner with your wife or having a small party with your friends.  She is an adult!  She gets to celebrate her birthday the way she wants to, with whomever she wants to.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you and isn't grateful to you if she celebrates with you on another day.  Heck, you weren't even present on the day of her birth.  You have no right to be offended or hurt by her choice of birthday activities--particularly if your wife--her MOTHER--isn't. 

Get a grip and quit trying to control every aspect of her life.  Let her have the reins.  It's time.

[indefatigable]

No more financial support from you to any child who reaches 18 years of age.

Let the children and their bio mom make their own decisions.

I agree with #1

I agree with #2 if you aren't supporting them. If you are supporting them, you get input.

[mdwlark]

Ahem.

A late development from yesterday. Her mother (my wife) and I got into a huge row about why my stepdaughter wasn't spending her birthday with us.

Maybe this worry of yours is a diversion of another type and maybe it is the relationship with her mother that needs your attention.  Maybe the two of you should do the hostels in Europe.  You don't need to address that here, but its just a thought.

Give me three guesses as to what your wife would say is the primary problem in her marriage, and my first two guesses don't count.  I don't know, but I suspect you treat her the same way.  Meanwhile your homework isn't getting done.

[mdwlark]

<edit-add to previous>

I understand why you would feel a little bad about the birthday.  Now, let it go, and you and your wife choose a time for a nice trip or cruise between semesters, just the two of you.  Let your wife plan the whole thing while you study.  It is more fun than counseling. 

[distressed_student]

hmmmmmm.......