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[anthroid]

ok, folks, I'm really mixed up here. Is it "leave her alone, it's her life" or is it "what's the harm?" I am starting to think that all of this is no-win and I just need to look the other way.
I could be reading into it: perhaps it's just a chance for the stepdaughter to have a day with mom. But based on pages 1-10 of this post, and esp. thr last couple of years, not likely.

Yes, it is a no-win and you need to look the other way.  I understand that you've been involved in your stepdaughters' lives and all, but, really, you are not their father.  But you really have to let this go.  I speak from deep, wide, and extensive experience.

Anyway, you and your wife need to be having this conversation, not us.

I strongly recommend that you get both of you into counselling to help with this conversation.  Seriously.

But I don't want to be in counseling with Distressed Student.  I don't even know him! 

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

:~)

[verbena]

So, I have seen this before. Once upon a time, i would have interpreted this as my stepdaughter needing assistance with the confusing community college maze...but after 4 years, really?

Does it often bother you when your wife spends time with her daughter and you're not there to keep tabs?

Also, I thought maybe this was an olive branch from the stepdaughter to make my wife happy. But I won't be surprised if checks start flying (at the least for lunch) and my wife caves in.

WHAT? Your wife might take her 21-year-old daughter out to lunch? And pay money for her daughter's meal?? Doesn't she know that's no way to raise an independent adult? Haven't you made that CLEAR???

The thing that I am the most upset about is, after much thought (and review of many posts here at this forum)
is that the plan is in place to have the stepdaughter act like an adult, by necessity, due to no input or assistance from us. But now I guess that's out the window.
Am I overreacting?

Yes, I think you are.

[ideagirl]

According to my wife, the stepdaughter is the one that came forward and asked her if she'd spend the day with her at the community college (she knew my wife was off tomorrow). It does not seem that my wife cooked this all up, etc.
However, my wife thinks this is a good idea. And I do NOT.
I just want all this to go away.

Hey, here's a thought: relax and pay attention to your own life for once, instead of to your wife and stepdaughter's relationship. I hope this bluntness doesn't hurt or make you defensive, but seriously, after reading the thread and participating in it for this long, I'm just tired of seeing how much attention you pay to truly tiny incidents involving your stepdaughter (She didn't spend her 21st birthday with us! She wants to spend the day with her mom and have lunch!) and--of necessity, since 98% of your attention is on these tiny minor things that are of NO, seriously NO, importance--how little attention you pay to YOUR OWN LIFE. For example, your degree, your work...? Where's all that?

GET OVER YOUR STEPDAUGHTER. It doesn't count as letting her grow up and be independent if you basically stop supporting her financially but still obsess over her every move, which is what you're doing.

[ideagirl]

ok, folks, I'm really mixed up here. Is it "leave her alone, it's her life" or is it "what's the harm?" I am starting to think that all of this is no-win and I just need to look the other way.

What would "win," as opposed to "no-win," look like to you?

I ask because "no-win" is usually used to describe a hopeless situation (which this doesn't even remotely sound like, i.e. it sounds like you're overreacting), and so since you feel the situation might be hopeless, I wonder what you're hoping for. I have to say, based on your previous posts, I suspect that "win" means "stepdaughter behaves how I think she should behave and has the type of relationship with her mom and me that I think she should have." If so, well... that's messed up.

Your level of concern over her would be normal and totally understandable (albeit not necessarily healthy) if she were, say, a drug addict or an alcoholic with a propensity for dating abusers and/or members of the criminal element, but what you have here is a somewhat immature (i.e. normal) 21-year-old who screwed up one semester of community college and initially lied to you about it, is dating a slacker and didn't want to spend her birthday with you.

SO WHAT? How many parents on this planet pray every night to have a child or stepchild who's as together as that? Plenty. Ask anyone who's dealing with addicted or mentally ill kids, or kids who date abusers, or etc. etc. etc.

Chill out. Seriously. Make yourself a mojito and go read a good book. Preferably one that's part of the work for your graduate degree.

[prytania3]

Actually, I think Distressed Student has reason to give pause to this situation. Students who really want to go to school cope with registration without mami and daddy unless you come from a culture where it is normal to do everything en groupe--and there are instances where whole families show up at the registration just because that's the way they do things, but for the most part---no. Mami's presence shows she is more interested in seeing daughter in school than daughter.

[ideagirl]

Actually, I think Distressed Student has reason to give pause to this situation. Students who really want to go to school cope with registration without mami and daddy unless you come from a culture where it is normal to do everything en groupe--and there are instances where whole families show up at the registration just because that's the way they do things, but for the most part---no. Mami's presence shows she is more interested in seeing daughter in school than daughter.

Even if that is the case (which I question because it was the daughter, not the mother, who proposed this approach), would it merit distress and concern on the part of the stepdad? So the daughter is interested enough in school to register, but less interested than her folks--so what? Does that mean it's time for psychiatric intervention to reprogram the daughter so she'll have the appropriate level of interest in her education?!

All I'm saying is that what the OP has is a slightly immature and imperfect stepdaughter. (Those of us who have perfect children who behave with total maturity at age 21, raise their hands... helloooo, anyone there?). In other words what the OP has, stepkid-wise, is totally normal. What's NOT normal is to obsess about it and feel such keen distress at the fact that stepdaughter doesn't want, or at least currently doesn't want, the life that he wants her to have--the Ivy League campus bright with crisp autumn leaves, etc. What's NOT normal is to try to, or wish he could, micromanage stepdaughter and wife's relationship for them. If finances are joint and he's not okay with their paying for stepdaughter's tuition, that's a conversation to have with his wife, but trying to control how registration is accomplished and whether lunch is had is pointless.

To obsess this much over a not particularly worrisome stepkid, to the point that he's neglecting HIS OWN education, is messed up. That's all I'm saying.

[bald_cypress]

Since daughter invited mom, she is probably  hoping that mom will offer to pay for the tuition. Perfectly normal kid behavior, and 21 is really still a kid, trying to get grown up. Becoming an adult is a series of forward and backward steps, and several false starts.

Your wife might feel that paying for this semester, at least, will help your daughter get back into the swing of college.

I've been swayed by most everyone's opinion: I think you might be a control freak. Let your wife do what she wants, and ditto for your step-daughter. Respect that your wife's ideas, while different from yours, are still valid and acceptable.

I'll probably get slammed for this, but until you have kids of your own, the whole parent-child dynamic is just a theory. And usually, not only do parents vs. childless step-parents view parenting differently, so do moms vs. dads. Part of that is the unconditional love most birth parents feel for their kiddoes. Reconciling those differences is part of the negotiations needed in marriage.


Live & let live; you'll probably live longer ( and successfully complete your PhD as well :-)

[distressed_student]

Thanks prytania, that is exactly what i was trying (obviously not clearly ) to say here.
For the rest of you....I don't care if my wife has lunch with my stepdaughter, and it certainly is not me being controlling toward my wife. She can do what she wants (Jeez....how did THIS emerge as another issue?) The issue I have is that my stepdaughter has a history of manipulation and immaturity, and that she would be better served doing, AS SO MANY OF YOU SUGGESTED, finding her own way with little or no guidance from mommy and stepdaddy.
I also find it interesting that the knee-jerk reaction is no longer about the stepdaughter, but about some blind asumption that I am this controlling monster keeping a powerful restriction on all things female.
Wow. Why do I bother? Certainly not for the well-thought-out, constructive advice or suggestions.
We don't have to agree at all (and some of the posts have helped me sort this out), but could we try to at least try to keep this civil? (or at least as civil as a bunch of academics on an anonymous forum could be, I guess...)

[distressed_student]

....whew....

[mdwlark]

Some of us got put off initially by your worry over whether she would go to an ivy league school and paint her face at football games while you were neglecting your own studies and didn't seem to worry about that except in passing.  I think it took you some reflection to realize what the real issues for you were.  Sometimes we don't even know what we are asking or what are issues really are until we talk about it for a while.  Now that you have it figured out better, I still think you and the spouse need to spend a romantic long weekend away from all this.   

[spork]

This thread is boring.

Is the stepdaughter hot?

[anthroid]

This thread is boring.

Is the stepdaughter hot?

No, just feverish.

Or am I mixing this thread up with the Flu Thread?

[polly_mer]

This thread is boring.

Is the stepdaughter hot?

Of course she is.  Why else would she be so adept at manipulation?

[verbena]

This thread is boring.

Is the stepdaughter hot?

Of course she is.  Why else would she be so adept at manipulation?

... and he so susceptible, and frustrated?

[distressed_student]

Ok...it's been seven months...here's another update.
Wife went with stepdaughter to register for classes way-back-when; she never attended (assumed she dropped them all); has not attended school since; still at burger joint; still at grandparents; loser boyfriend is gone.
OTHER stepdaughter from out of nowhere auditioned and got into prestigious local youth orchestra; enrolled in traditional four-year state university and selected dorm----
If anyone had predicted any of this 5 years ago, they would have said the girls (and their situations) would have been reversed. The Honor Society kid struggles while the rough tough younger kid moves on.
Just goes to show, you never know.