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[t_r_b]

Such stunningly bad judgement is usually reserved for shows like Melrose Place.

Judging from what I've learned at my divorce recovery seminar, you are entirely wrong about this. Such stunningly bad judgment turns out to be a lot more common than you'd think.

Another thing I've learned from that seminar (and from divorce in general): in matters of the heart, it's best not to judge someone until you've walked a good many miles in their shoes. There is always more to the story than you hear, or assume. The scumbag in one version of the story is a victim in the next; the victim in yet another version of the story is a psychopath in still another. And in each case, each person hearing the story assigns roles (scumbag, victim, psychopath) to the various characters according to their own preconceived notions and projections of their own experiences. The only certainties are pain and grief and anger and - hopefully, eventually - healing.

OP, you note that you are wrestling with whether or not you can accept the kind of open relationship that your partner is apparently proposing. It sounds like you are leaning toward "no," and based on what you've said about both of you, I'm guessing that is wise. If you were comfortable with the open relationship thing, the first step I'd suggest would be a sit-down conversation among all three of you, the opening question of which would need to be some variation on "WTF are you two thinking?" But it sounds like you don't want to go there, and that's probably just as well.

The most important thing for you now, I think, is to focus on yourself and what you want for your life. It sounds like you have been in a couple of relationships now that have followed a similar pattern. Work on figuring out what has drawn you to this sort of relationship, and this sort of partner. Since it sounds like this is not a pattern you want to continue, try to figure out ways to address some of the emotional needs (whatever they may be) that have made it so appealing in the past. Think about how you can meet some of those needs yourself in the future, and thereby reduce the allure of that relationship pattern.

Also, check out my "ending long-term partnership" thread. Lots of good advice there (and elsewhere on the fora).

[bread_pirate_naan]

I am a conference this weekend and I shall have fun at it!

This make me think and smile.  I think yellowtractor would appreciate this sentence, if he were here.  Glad to hear you are on the ball financially.  Your friend could not be more right. 

[kedves]

Mischt, I am sorry this has happened.  What a letdown.  You have a good friend.  Best wishes.

Slightly off-topic, I'm wondering how things might be different in Europe.  In the U.S., a professor who finally got a dream job, after years of trying, and almost immediately started an affair with a student--that person would strike me as self-destructive.  Is it not a big deal in your partner's country?

[pink_]

I did not use the word "scumbag," t_r_b.  And while I take your point(s), sleeping with a student crosses too many lines in my book for that to ever be sympathy-inducing behavior.

Mischt, it wounds like you are doing as well as you could expect in such a tough situation.  There will be times that are harder than others, and there will be times that are less difficult.  You will feel sad, and angry, and sorry, and betrayed, and relieved, and hurt, and many more emotions than I can name here, sometimes more than one at the same time.

Mornings were hard for me because there was a moment when I first woke up that I had forgotten, and then it all came back.  I got through it be focusing on my routine.

Hang in there.

[t_r_b]

I did not use the word "scumbag," t_r_b. 

I did not say that you did.

And while I take your point(s), sleeping with a student crosses too many lines in my book for that to ever be sympathy-inducing behavior.

And I did not suggest (and do not believe) that someone who sleeps with a student should receive sympathy for doing so. I don't think that sentiment contradicts anything I wrote above.

There are many people who, on hearing stories like this, flock together to loudly condemn the alleged miscreant's behavior. In doing so, many of them get the chance to re-hash (by proxy) much of their lingering outrage at the misbehavior of someone who hurt them in the past. The pitchfork-waving mob helpfully reinforces the convenient idea that whatever else might have happened, the offender crossed an unpardonable line, just like countless others before him. Implicitly or explicitly, they suggest that the proper response is to seethe at the betrayals (all of them) while taking comfort in one's own righteousness.

Now, the alleged miscreant may in fact deserve all the condemnation you might choose to throw at him. Many do. Some deserve much worse than you can throw at them legally. And regardless of how deserving they are, venting your rage in a non-violent, non-harmful way is usually a healthy thing. But the widespread obsession with the culpability of the offender tends not to be very helpful for the more important task of figuring out what went wrong (including one's own responsibility for it, even if that responsibility amounts to falling in love with a psychopath/narcissist/addict/whatever). That task is important not because we are morally obligated to acknowledge and atone for our sins (we're not) but because without doing that, you aren't going to fix whatever it was that led you to get into such a flawed relationship.

I have lots of people in my life who are quite willing to participate in extended b*tch sessions about how awful my ex is/was. Most of them are much less comfortable with the truth: I was pretty awful too, and we reinforced each other's awfulness, and we both ended up hurting each other a lot. Venting about each other's failings no doubt has its place, but it won't make either of us any happier or better able to avoid similarly harmful relationships in the future.

OP, I wish you all the best in a very painful time. I understand: I've spent most of this year coping with a similar upheaval. I can tell you that just as on this thread, you will find all sorts of people out there who are eager to join with you in loud, self-righteous condemnation of your partner. I won't tell you not to indulge in that - venting your rage is good - but try to keep in mind that that venting is ultimately a reassuring but unproductive distraction from the real work at hand: figuring out how all of this happened, and how to avoid repeating it in the future. Far, far too many people don't do that work, and instead wallow in the blame and outrage, and most of them end up pretty unhappy (and often in deja vu relationships). Don't let that happen to you.

[mischt]

I am still, unfortunately, 100 per cent sleepless tonight - since my telephone call early this morning. Ugh. I hope to actually sleep at some point, so I can start going to the library etc...

[t_r_b]

I am still, unfortunately, 100 per cent sleepless tonight - since my telephone call early this morning. Ugh. I hope to actually sleep at some point, so I can start going to the library etc...

And what do you know, I'm awake too. Funny what relationship upheaval can do to your sleep patterns.

Hang in there, mischt. I know it's all quite overwhelming now, but I hope you will find this to be an opportunity for a new and happier start. That's what I'm aiming for personally, at any rate. Though for the moment, irregular sleep seems to be the rule.

[mischt]

I had a horrible night. Barely slept at all. Have been hyperventilating. At best I could close my eyes and breathe - at worst I felt like I was about to vomit although I can't eat.
i talked to several friends yesterday, other academics too. They were all familiar with infidelities and 2 of 3 said that it hasn't all played out yet. I am inclined to go along with them at the moment. I really long to see him again at the moment. He is still supposed to pick me up at the airport when I return in a few weeks and I really need to see him to feel any of this is real. And if he is horrible to me I will feel even more that it is over and should be. But here, so many thousands of kilometers away, I feel like it is a bad dream, a worst case scenario that has thrown my already frightening future into disarray. I really need to finish the book I mentioned yesterday. It must happen as soon as possible and I already felt lamed for a while before this. I don't know why, but it hasn't been moving forward for some time.
I am really frightened and pretty much wholly incapacitated...

[kedves]

I know it can be hard to put one foot in front of the other.  Please try to eat something, even if it is just tea and toast and canned fruit, and get some exercise today and in the days ahead.  The body absorbs so much in times of stress; try to help it out.  Work can be a good place in which to get lost during these times, but make a schedule of starting and stopping times to maintain some health and control over it--work can get away from you.  A regular schedule can help with sleep.  Be good to yourself.

[pink_]

You will be okay.

I wouldn't expect him to necessarily be horrible to you when you see him again.  He might be contrite and sorry.  He might not.  He might try to act like nothing has happened or that it is no big deal.  He might act like it is somehow your fault.  You can't know what will happen, or how you will feel when it does, so try and focus on the immediate.

Do eat something, as kedeves has said, even if it is just toast or crackers and an apple or some cheese.  I drank Slim-Fast because I could get it down and it was a relatively balanced meal-replacement.  Do give yourself prescribed times to start and stop trying to work.  Do give yourself time to rest even if you can't fall asleep.  I read lots of Harry Potter and watched lots of TV when I got home from my working place.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but the forced time apart is actually a good thing.  You have to figure out how you feel about what has happened, and that's hard to do at all, let alone with him around.  I would make other arrangements for a ride from the airport--even if you decide to forgive him, you should let yourself get back and reacclimated first before you see him.  Much of what has happened and what will happen is out of your control, but whether and when you talk to him or see him is your decision.

[mystictechgal]

Mischt,

Right now you need to be taking care of yourself and trying your very best to live in the here and now, not the future.  I've been down the road of both divorce (and, yes, cheating was a part of it) and, more recently, widowhood.  T_R_B is right.  At some point it will be very helpful for you to truly reflect on the relationship overall, the roles both of you played in it, and how/what went wrong.  That time may not be now, in fact, it probably isn't.  But, eventually that time needs to come before you can understand enough and heal enough to enter into another, more healthy, relationship.  I'd forgotten how much doing that helped after my divorce and, in forgetting, I've spent far too long in some very unhealthy places, physically and emotionally, since the death of my last husband.  (For the record: 1st marriage = 6+ yrs, 2nd marriage = 2 weeks shy of 27 yrs.  The work I did understanding #1 relationship definitely influenced how well things went in #2.)  I'm now starting to do the reflection of my second marriage--while it was very good, there were still some unhealthy aspects to it, things I can learn from.  When you are ready you will need to take that journey, too--if you wish to understand and avoid mistakes of the past--even if you decide to get back together with him.

But, right now you're in denial.  That's perfectly understandable.  You really haven't had any time at all to process what happened, and you do need to process it.  But, you also need to get to work on your book.  May I suggest that you set a time that you promise yourself you will spend thinking about what just happened to your world.  Write it down in your calendar.  Then treat it like an appointment with yourself.  Until it's time to go to that appointment, work on the book, eat, exercise... Whatever you would normally do had this not happened.  Then, when the time comes, keep that appointment to reflect.  You may even want to set an end time and schedule something to work on after a set amount of time.  Just to keep moving forward. 

Don't worry about what will happen or how you will feel two weeks from now when you next see him.  Just think about the now.  Take things one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time--whatever increment you need to stay in the present and allow the future to come in its own time.  I wish you peace.

[august_leo]

I'm really sorry, Mischt. I don't have anything more to add, beyond the others. Except, maybe, ew, ew! A student?! ew?!

I'm really sorry, you'll get through this, though.

[wilbrish]

Take care of yourself. And remember when you see him, if he is nice to you: that does not make what he did go away.

[mischt]

Thanks you guys, for all this fantastic support.
I had only a 50% sleepless night or even less last night.
I am off to the conference today, so am trying to muster my strength. If any of you are at conferences this weekend and somebody you are listening to gives a crappy performance, keep in mind that all of this might be behind it. Of course I hope I will be a shining star, filled with confidence and wise thoughts on my material...

[pink_]

Break a leg, Mischt!