knitknat
Junior member
Posts: 84
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« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2009, 10:52:40 AM » |
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Wait...he doesn't intend to stop whatever he has started with student, but he is not sure about staying with you?
Translation: he can't figure out if he only wants the student or if he likes the idea of stringing you along so he has a fallback if things don't work out with student.
MY GOD. It still amazes me every time I hear this type of thing from a friend or read it somewhere on this forum. Why do we put up with this crap? YOU DESERVE BETTER. Say it with me: "I deserve better. I am done with this relationship."
Consider yourself lucky that he won't be taking up any more of your precious time, cut all ties (and by all, I mean ALL), get out of your apartment situation, and call it a lesson learned. That's what failed relationships are: lessons that help us find the right partner, someone who won't pull this type of bull#$%t. Don't look for 'closure', don't try to get an apology out of him (because he apparently doesn't even know the difference between right and wrong), just do everything you can to begin moving on. Go out with friends that will tell you how awesome you are. Flirt to get attention, and enjoy it. You can't change the past to magically fix this broken relationship, but you certainly can change the future.
It's hard, but you can do it. Nobody ever said life was easy. Best wishes.
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Very, very wise words. All of them. Well done, knitknat.
At least one person thinks I'm not a moron. |
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mischt
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« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2009, 11:00:39 AM » |
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ps. I should mention, for what its worth, that he said "I'm sorry" many times. But, as my Mum would say, "that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee." In other words, whatever.
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saguaro
Not so distinguished
Senior member
Posts: 773
The burnt hand teaches best.
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« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2009, 11:22:27 AM » |
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Suggestions? Is his stuff still in the apartment? Let him know it will be at the curb one hour after you return. And, yes, get a new apartment. A small corner unit up on the sixth floor, with lots of light, overlooking the park.
No. This is wrong. No one has the right to essentially throw away someone else's belongings. Boxing up his stuff and putting it in the storage room is more appropriate. That being said, I agree with all the advice to drop him like a hot potato and get on with your life. Be firm. He is not worthy of you. |
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sugaree
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« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2009, 11:27:49 AM » |
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Suggestions? Is his stuff still in the apartment? Let him know it will be at the curb one hour after you return. And, yes, get a new apartment. A small corner unit up on the sixth floor, with lots of light, overlooking the park.
No. This is wrong. No one has the right to essentially throw away someone else's belongings. Boxing up his stuff and putting it in the storage room is more appropriate. I disagree. You should treat his property as respectfully as he treated you (which is to say, not at all) when he decided to sleep with a student. (I still can't believe that part - infidelity is bad enough, but with a student?!!!!). Why would anyone want to remain friends with exes? He may "want" that from you, but you certainly don't need it from him. Yuck! |
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where's the bourbon?
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mystictechgal
Happy in my "full, rich adulthood", and as a
Member-Moderator
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 9,402
One step at a time
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« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2009, 11:31:32 AM » |
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ps. I should mention, for what its worth, that he said "I'm sorry" many times. But, as my Mum would say, "that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee." In other words, whatever.
That "I'm sorry" should be translated as "I'm sorry I have to tell you this because my life would be a lot easier if I didn't have to say anything". He's not sorry about having cheated on you. He's already said he's going to keep having his fling with his student. That means that he is not sorry about cheating. And, make no mistake, he is CHEATING. There's nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time--if both people know up front that that's what they (or one of them) are going to do. He was not honorable enough to do that. Oh, and don't lose sight of the fact that he is cheating with his student! Any honor (or judgement) that he may have ever had flew right out the window when he made that choice. On preview: Send him the number of a storage place and have him make the arrangements to store it. You shouldn't have to pay for it. Box his stuff up and tell him to make arrangements with a friend to come pick it up and take it to the storage facility. Or, ship it all to him C.O.D. |
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If a pouting pluot ploughman planted pluots in a plot, and the plot were ploughed on Pluto, would his pluot ploy play out?
"Is all the same, only different" -- Dr. H. L. |
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bana_bana
Junior member
Posts: 84
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« Reply #20 on: October 06, 2009, 11:43:40 AM » |
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I am sorry, mischt. I agree that you do not deserve this. It will be painful to cope with the loss of a relationship and feelings of betrayal, but you WILL get over it. Sometimes work is the best way to cope, I send you many [[hugs]]
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bread_pirate_naan
Preposterous
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 5,255
softwears
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« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2009, 12:04:27 PM » |
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My best to you in this tough time, mischt. I agree with those who are leaning towards a gentle extrication, meaning transfer all utilities or household expenses into his name at the homebase. Even if you aren't planning on leaving there immediately, you want a clean getaway. And yes, you do want to move on. While some might be able to accept and work through infidelity, or even open a relationship, your (former) partner has pulled some nasty, domineering moves by making many decisions without negotiation. That's not okay in a committed relationship.
The not sure if he's "willing" to stay with you means, "It would be awfully convenient if I could have this other relationship, without any disruption in my foundation until I am good and ready, because maybe this woman will not like me long enough to make the transition to a relationship with her." (foundation= steady relationship+all that day to day stuff you are sustaining /the possibly leaving you holding the bag) Long distance relationships that are not marriages often fall to the demon convenience and availability. Heck, even local relationships fail to more convenient, novel, starry-eyed partners with low standards and maintenance. Don't let this experience drive down your self worth, standards or values, but allow you to deepen and affirm them.
There isn't anything to negotiate but your way out. Addressing some of these specific logistical issues, will keep you on track as you process the many emotions. I am sorry you are going through this and wish you a joyful new direction.
Take care.
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In unrelated news, I'd like a slice of cake. --corny / It will go great. --jackalope
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spork
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« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2009, 12:22:45 PM » |
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He's already checked out of the relationship.
Who's name is on the apartment lease? If it's yours, tell him to leave, immediately, and inform the landlord. If it's his, stop contributing to the rent. Same thing with utilities -- his name or yours? If they're in his name but you've been paying, stop immediately.
I hope the two of you don't share credit card or bank accounts.
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a.k.a. gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket
"Please do not force people who are exhausted to take medication for hallucinations." -- Memo from the Chair, Department of White Privilege Studies, Fiork University
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mystictechgal
Happy in my "full, rich adulthood", and as a
Member-Moderator
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 9,402
One step at a time
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« Reply #23 on: October 06, 2009, 12:29:21 PM » |
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He's already checked out of the relationship.
Who's name is on the apartment lease? If it's yours, tell him to leave, immediately, and inform the landlord. If it's his, stop contributing to the rent. Same thing with utilities -- his name or yours? If they're in his name but you've been paying, stop immediately.
I hope the two of you don't share credit card or bank accounts.
If you do, cancel the card(s), notify the credit companies, in writing, that subsequent to this date you will no longer be responsible for charges made by him, and get your share of the money out of the accounts--ASAP. |
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If a pouting pluot ploughman planted pluots in a plot, and the plot were ploughed on Pluto, would his pluot ploy play out?
"Is all the same, only different" -- Dr. H. L. |
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bamabound
unDistinguished
Member
Posts: 249
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« Reply #24 on: October 06, 2009, 01:33:02 PM » |
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He's already checked out of the relationship.
Who's name is on the apartment lease? If it's yours, tell him to leave, immediately, and inform the landlord. If it's his, stop contributing to the rent. Same thing with utilities -- his name or yours? If they're in his name but you've been paying, stop immediately.
I hope the two of you don't share credit card or bank accounts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but aren't you on a different continent than the apartment that you two share? I think that complicates things for right now. Right now, you can't move him out or do anything about the physical space because you are far away. |
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gennimom
Somewhat Southern (Have I really posted that much?)
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 16,764
Let's get summer over with! Me want snow!
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« Reply #25 on: October 06, 2009, 01:57:43 PM » |
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He's already checked out of the relationship.
Who's name is on the apartment lease? If it's yours, tell him to leave, immediately, and inform the landlord. If it's his, stop contributing to the rent. Same thing with utilities -- his name or yours? If they're in his name but you've been paying, stop immediately.
I hope the two of you don't share credit card or bank accounts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, OP, but aren't you on a different continent than the apartment that you two share? I think that complicates things for right now. Right now, you can't move him out or do anything about the physical space because you are far away. I think the intercontinental relationship was an earlier relationship, not the current relationship. |
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...only after reading gm's post, my new mantra is "always listen to gennimom".
Monday reeks! - Garfield The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a person (or something like that). |
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pink_
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« Reply #26 on: October 06, 2009, 02:20:48 PM » |
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Mischt is currently away on fellowship, but will be returning to the apartment that they share in a couple of weeks. SO(B) has moved to accept another job. The more I think about it, the more respect I lose for him. He's in his first semester of a new job, and he's decided to sleep with a student?! WTF. I predict that his is one contract that won't be renewed.
I understand what you are saying about not wanting to prevent him from living his life (or you from yours) while the two of you are apart, but this has gone well beyond that point. He is sleeping with a student. Such a serious lapse in judgement would be cause for concern whether you had decided to have an open-relationship or not (and telling him that he is free to make other friends is not the same thing as giving him license to have sex with a student).
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Horses don't have seatbelts. Listen to Pink, she's smart.
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mischt
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« Reply #27 on: October 06, 2009, 03:08:05 PM » |
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Hi Guys,
pink and bamabound are right: I'm currently in North America on a fellowship and my ("our") apartment is in Europe. He is back there too and will be in the apartment on the weekend. I won't be back for a few weeks yet (he left 2 weeks ago tomorrow...). The only corrections are: he is in the 3rd semester of the new job - a full professorship with tenure (Europe), so he has had a chance to check out the students sufficiently already and slide into that sense of entitlement (see New York Times articles in the last few days about European intellectuals).
This was initially a we-live-in-the-same-city relationship, hence the move 2 years ago to a common apartment - which I can't afford on my own. I wish I could, but I can't.
So I hope you will be proud of me that I today:
-canceled the supplementary credit card that I gave him, which was no problem at all. It is now inoperative.
-contacted my landlord and asked if there were any smaller apartments coming available in the next little while (I love my area and my building and he will give me a break on the rent and has been a great landlord so far)
-contacted a bunch of people in my home city looking for a new proofreader for my work (he was my proofreader in the foreign language that I work in). I got a ton of responses.
-had lunch (ie played with my food) with a friend who told me I could see it as over now or I could wait 6 months and go through a lot more hemming and hawing, get less work done and still end up with the same result. I think she is right.
But I still feel pretty bad. I can't tell you how much your comments help. They have made me feel more resolved and have given me a plan: go to the library tomorrow morning and act like I am working. I am a conference this weekend and I shall have fun at it! At least I'll do my very best.
Thanks so much for being there!
Mischt
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mischt
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« Reply #28 on: October 06, 2009, 03:41:50 PM » |
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p.s. I'll see how I feel though when I wake up tomorrow.
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pinkmouse
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« Reply #29 on: October 06, 2009, 03:42:01 PM » |
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Best of luck, mischt. Why would anyone want to remain friends with exes? He may "want" that from you, but you certainly don't need it from him. Yuck!
On that note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ |
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