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[mischt]

Hi there Forumites,
after many years on the market and only marginally employed with post-docs my partner got a great professorship in a town about 6 hours away from where I live normally (I am on a fellowship at the moment for a few more weeks on another continent from where I live). He was here with me until 2 weeks ago but had to go back to lead an excursion with his students - and that is where he started something with one of his students, something he doesn't intend to stop. Anyway, he tells me he is not sure about staying with me. We have been together for 6 years and have an apartment together at our "home base" city... We just talked on the phone long-distance for an hour.
I am kind of stunned at the moment and don't really know what to think or do or how in god's name to get back to writing a book that needs to have been finished yesterday...!
Any words of encouragement? Any suggestions? Should I try to work things out with him? Should I start looking for a new apartment when I get back? Should I move on (sheesh - I've only known about this for an hour or so)? Should I accept that this is what it is like to like in a long-distance situation and try to get my heart to go along with this somehow?
Any word from the wiser?
Thanks!
Mischt

[vardahilwen]

I am SO SORRY to hear this! (((hug)))

Something similar happened to me.

My philosophy on cheating: you don't get a second chance with me.  If you forgive this, you set a precedent that you will tolerate infidelity.  You will always be suspicious and hurt.  I believe that a committed relationship is over the moment a partner gets into bed with someone else.

In my case, I had been suspicious for a while, as my fiance had a female "friend" with whom he seemed improperly close.  He continually reassured me that she was just a good friend (she was in the same profession as him, and a coworker), and although his explanations seemed fishy, I wanted to believe him.

I found a pair of panties in his apartment that were not mine, and he had no choice to confess - the circumstances were very incriminating.  We were engaged, and the wedding was just a couple of months away.  He cried, told me he'd dump her immediately, and that he still wanted to marry me.  I told him I couldn't marry him under the circumstances, gave back the ring, and undid all the wedding plans.  My family lost a lot of money on the deal - we had paid a lot of deposits that we couldn't get refunded.  

Every year, I am sad when our "wedding day" rolls around.  I've had a few dates since, but haven't had a new relationship ... it's taking me years to get over this.  My trust in people has really been damaged.  

I made the mistake of searching the internet, and discovered that they got married shortly after - can you believe it?  Well, they deserve each other.

[pink_]

I'm so sorry Mischt.

I'm kind of floored by the nerve of this guy.  He starts something with a *student* and then tells you that he isn't sure he wants to stay with *you*?  Really?  Apparently it hasn't occurred to prince charming that you might well have doubts about staying with him?!  And he told you this on the telephone?

Such stunningly bad judgement is usually reserved for shows like Melrose Place.

Even if his school doesn't have an official policy against faculty and students "dating," he is swimming in shark-infested waters now, and you are considering jumping in with him.  I would run fast and far.

Had he shown the slightest sense of remorse when he told you, my advice might be different.  I have had friends who have chosen to stay by their partners after infidelity, but in those cases, the cheater behaved very differently.  The affair ended immediately, both partners entered into counseling, and still the road was very rocky. 

You don't deserve to be treated this way--especially not by someone with whom you have spent six years.  I'm really sorry.

[airball]

Micht,

I'm very sorry about this.

Suggestions? Is his stuff still in the apartment? Let him know it will be at the curb one hour after you return. And, yes, get a new apartment. A small corner unit up on the sixth floor, with lots of light, overlooking the park.

I know you are in shock, so I'll be blunt. Lots of guys (including me) make it through a long-distance relationship without sticking their naughty bits into their students. (His student? No offense, but he's a s***bag. And he might not have this "great professorship" for very long. And get yourself tested for STDs. Seriously.)

As for the book, file the break-up under "I'll deal with you in November." and get cracking. If you can't last until then, set aside an hour per day to think about it. Then bury yourself in work. I gather that men are better at this kind of thing, but who knows...

Good luck, and again, I'm sorry,

airball

[pinkmouse]

Should I accept that this is what it is like to like in a long-distance situation and try to get my heart to go along with this somehow?

Absolutely not.

See the "should I agree to an open marriage" thread for advice and various opinions on infidelity.

But you did not agree to this, he cheated on what was (or should have been) a monogamous relationship. This is not "what it is like" to be in a LDR, and he shouldn't use that as an excuse either.

Have a stiff drink, then get back to work. I'm sorry this happened to you, and don't let his bad treatment of you lead you to sabotage your own career.

on edit: agree with the above, he is a scumbag. Don't let him ruin your life. (but don't be above making a couple of phone calls if it might ruin his, or at least cost him his job.... ;)

[macaroon]

Sorry, Mischt.

No, you should not put up with this.  It is over.   And don't allow yourself to be his therapy either.  When he boinked a student, he lost his right to use you as a confidant and friend.  If he wants to talk with someone about how he isn't sure he still wants to be with you, let him find someone else.  Maybe his new girlfriend?

This is not the "forgivable" type of infidelity.  The "forgivable" one, IMO, is the drunken one night stand where the unfaithful one wakes up and dashes out half-dressed and without even getting the "partner's" phone number.

[airball]

on edit: agree with the above, he is a scumbag.

I didn't write scumbag.

airball

[pink_]

I forgot to add that I hope you are able to focus on your work.
I went through I similar difficult time when I was under a serious deadline for my defense, and failure or postponement was not an option.  To get through it, I took solace in routine and ritual.  I got up in the morning and showered.  I got dressed, packed my bag and left home.  I stopped at Starbucks and got a soy latte, and then I planted myself in the computer lab on campus.  When the time came to get lunch, I allowed myself 30 min to eat, and then O planted myself again in front of the computer.  When 7PM came and that particular lab closed, I packed my bag and went home.  Once I got home, I cried.  I got angry.  I threw things.  I called my mom.  I called friends.  I went for walks.  I watched TV (I found Buffy and ALIAS to be consoling, but find something that takes your mind off things).  I went to sleep, and did it all again the next day.

Having a separate space for work really helped me to stay focused during the day. 

If you are still in the apartment the two of you share, it might help to leave and stay with a friend for a little while. 

[mccfan]

Others may disagree, but not only would I move immediately into my own place, but I would drop a line to his chair about the student.  Surely this violates university policy. 

[stanwyck]

Should I accept that this is what it is like to like in a long-distance situation and try to get my heart to go along with this somehow?

No advice, but I would like to say: No, this is not what it is like to live in a long distance situation.  I just returned to the U.S. after a year away, during which I saw my partner twice when she came to visit my research site.  Previous to that, we endured three years of my commuting, seeing each other every other weekend (at best, sometimes it was every 3rd or 4th weekend) during the academic year.  During those three years, I left the U.S. for 8-10 weeks during the summers to do research.  That is a long lasting, long distance situation.  Did I cheat?  Nope.  Did my partner?  Nope.  I mean, I suppose she could have, but I think....nope.

So, whatever you decision you make, don't make it because you think he is modeling the only behavior possible for people in long distance relationships.

[cgfunmathguy]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. However, the guy is beneath scum. It is one thing to go through the "forgivable" situation described by Macaroon is one thing; it's entirely different here.

Write him off. Tell him you're changing apartments and will be holding a garage sale of all items in the apartment that won't fit in the new place. If he wants anything of his, he'd better come get it because the sale is in two weeks. Then do it.

Good luck. Remember that work helps drive away the other strength-sapping thoughts.

[mystictechgal]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

No.  This is not something you "need to accept".  He has behaved inexcusably.  I agree with the others.  Toss him to the curb and be glad that you discovered his immature and unethical nature now instead of after you married him.  This guy's got loser written all over him and you deserve much better.  (Oh, and when his student gives him the inevitable brush off or he gets canned for messing with her, do NOT let him use your shoulder to cry on.)

[canadatourismguy]

Beyond the cheating; he 'stuck his pen the in the company ink.'  Bad form all around.

[toni52]

I am so sorry to hear you're dealing with a situation like this.  Long-distance relationships do not have to follow this course.  I dated someone for six years--the last year of which was long-distance because I moved to take a job in another city.  And although it was difficult to maintain a relationship long-distance, ultimately  it ended because it became more and more obvious that we wanted different things out of life.  So, I think the only difference with a long-term relationship is that it may force underlying issues to the surface.  

As, it relates to your situation, I think that your SO would eventually have done something like this anyway.  He probably always had issues with fidelity, but you were simply unaware of them.  And in his mind, moving away gave him license to cheat.  As to whether or not you should forgive him, I think not.  Even if you did want to forgive him, could you ever really trust him again?  Also, you say that he plans to continue seeing the other person.  Has he even apologized to you for his behavior?

Also, you shouldn't have to move out of the apartment.  Make him move.  Pack his belongings and put them in storage.  

[mischt]

Thanks you guys. This forum is just great when you don't know who to talk to, who to confide in.
I really especially appreciate your advice about how to get back to work and will try my best to follow it.

I wanted to add something about long distance relationships: I ended up in Europe (where I've lived and worked for many years - I've written about it before on the fora, usually much less personally) because of my first long term long distance relationship. I met my very long term (a total of 17 years) boyfriend, then husband in high school, while he was here on an exchange and spent the next years going back and forth. We were faithful to each other. But I (and he) really postponed living during that time: I and he had to be careful to not really become too friendly - even in a platonic way - with other people, since it felt like we were shifting our intimacy. We'd see each other every few months or so. I loved him a great, great deal, wrote many hundreds of letters and suffered when we were apart (and rejoiced when we were together). But I think we stopped being able to relate to each other as the real people who existed and put imaginary partners in place. Finally, after my BA, I moved to his city and after several more years we married. But I felt like we had already stopped knowing the present-day selves that existed and were only committed to an idea (and to the people we had been when we met). We broke up 10 years ago.

So this time, being older and wiser (at least I hope so), I know that it might be unreasonable to live apart and not accept that this kind of thing might happen to either one of us. I had that talk with him in the summer and said that if he hoped to stay friends with me if we were to break up (he prides himself on staying friends with his exes), we need to be honest with each other about this kind of transgression - if not before than shortly after the fact. He did this, and I am grateful for it, since I need to know about it to assess my own situation - and to not think that I am paranoid and crazy to think that something is up... So, I am not sure it is the end. I am not sure I can live with this (an open relationship), but I know that it is not a long-term solution to live in a long-distance relationship.

I really appreciate your clarity, though. It helps a lot to hear it at the moment (now only 5 hours after finding out).
thanks,
Mischt