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[galactic_hedgehog]

Oh, the joy that was the humor groups of Usenet.  Thank you!!
(Now to go find that proof of Hell being exothermic...)

Ah, Usenet... <GH stares off dreamily into space>

OK, I'm back.  I seem to remember having come across a piece about that, but I don't seem to have it.  I do, however, have this (never checked the reference, sorry to say):

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
                -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

[biomancer]

Here's the proof that Hell is exothermic.  I've seen this lots of times, but this time I lifted it from http://www.theblackadder.co.uk/jokes/JokeHellEndothermicExothermic.html


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

[goldfinch]

The student was discussing reformers' efforts to shut down brothels:

"Here they would pray for the individuals who worked in these buildings and for the men who entered them..."

I'm debating whether to put a funny comment on that or let it go.  There are lots of gems in these papers, but that's the one that made me laugh aloud so far! 

[concordancia]

The Bible is a universal gem, understood and referenced by millions of authors all of the world, thus the importance of recognizing it in [our text].

I just said that "Everybody else is doing it does not a thesis statement make" and let the rest go. I have to many papers to get through today.

[sad_goat]

"Thomas Jefferson was responsible for the Deceleration of Independence."

[ab_grp]

Here's the proof that Hell is exothermic.  I've seen this lots of times, but this time I lifted it from http://www.theblackadder.co.uk/jokes/JokeHellEndothermicExothermic.html

Thanks for this! I haven't seen it in quite a few years, but still find it quite amusing.

[gavia_immer]

In a short informal paper comparing the Disney movie Hercules to the myth as the ancient world knew it:

Involving Hercules with more than one woman would have effectively destroyed my affection for the film as I am a strong believer in the monogamous relationship.

She must have hated pretty much everything we've read all term, the poor thing.

[gavia_immer]

Same topic, different student, about the movie:

It gives those who have little to no interest in Greek myth a chance to have a vague understanding of what how the background and basis of Greek Mythology.

Talk about damning with faint praise!

[gavia_immer]

You'll have to excuse me, since I have 272 student papers and projects to grade, and I'm getting the giggles.

The difference between the movie and the myth can be as differential as the dissimilarity between cats and dogs. Despite sharing a few similarities, the differences are large enough to distinguish the two as diverse. From the opening song to the end, the movie was constantly interrupted with an array of differences.

I wonder if he is going to repeat the same thought without stopping all the way through. Maybe that's the only thought he has.

[gavia_immer]

I'll just go on, since no one else has anything:

Heracles wishes to be cleansed of his indiscretions namely murder

and

the pelt he wears is actually that of Scar from the Lion King, a common iconographical piece of Heracles.

[colette_capricious]

Gavia-immer, you must have the patience of a saint. Between the differential difference and the scar comment, I think I would be posting on the PWP thread already!

At least it gives me hope for my writing.

[big_giant_head]

I'll just go on, since no one else has anything:

Heracles wishes to be cleansed of his indiscretions namely murder

and

the pelt he wears is actually that of Scar from the Lion King, a common iconographical piece of Heracles.

?!

[polly_mer]

You'll have to excuse me, since I have 272 student papers and projects to grade, and I'm getting the giggles.

The difference between the movie and the myth can be as differential as the dissimilarity between cats and dogs. Despite sharing a few similarities, the differences are large enough to distinguish the two as diverse. From the opening song to the end, the movie was constantly interrupted with an array of differences.

I wonder if he is going to repeat the same thought without stopping all the way through. Maybe that's the only thought he has.

Since I have clones of this student, I would be folding money that he will repeat that thought until he has reached the stated page expectation.

[gavia_immer]

Hercules becomes famous and he allows this to get to his head and he becomes diluted by fame.

I prefer my heroes in a weak solution.

[gavia_immer]

I'm dying here:

we want children to believe in magic so that they don't succumb to reality.