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[gbrown]

When a colleague and I were offered the position of teaching co-chair for our department, I was thrilled. This was going to be great for my career. What I'm finding is that it's great for my career, but there is a huge hidden cost: there's a noticeable negative shift in my relationship with colleagues. Now that I have to observe and evaluate junior colleagues, a great number of the folks I used to chat with (and spend time with outside the college) have distanced themselves. The ones that do come to my office are junior colleagues who have never bothered before... it's clear that they want to align themselves with me for good reviews, good assignments, continued employment, etc.

I suddenly feel like I'm in a "no-man's land" between administration and faculty... and I can't say I like it.

To top this off, they moved my officemate (a colleague that I thought was a friend) to another office and I'm now "rooming" with another colleague who is cordial but distant. My ex-officemate has now aligned herself with her new officemate and her clique... and I'm now snubbed in the hallways. I do not supervise these colleagues... I'm just no longer of use (or "in" I guess). I'm thinking that my ex-officemate simply pretended to be friends while we were in the same office. Now that she's out, she has no use for me. It's very depressing.

I now regret taking this teaching chair job. I'm exhausted all the time, my workload had tripled, my teaching has suffered, and my relationships with colleagues have worsened. It's a two-year job. I'm one month into it and wishing I was working somewhere else...

The bad news is that all the obvious solutions I can think of won't produce results: the new colleague is married and a new mother; I'm 15 years her senior, no kids, not married. My old officemate has refused offers to lunch, etc... moving instead to lunch tables with the clique. The two other teaching chairs in my department have their own friends and have initially resisted supporting me. A teaching chair in another department that I'm friendly with is, of course, of the opposite gender and married... so we won't be spending time together after work to chat. Two senior colleagues who used to support me have become drawn into the new clique with my ex-officemate. And my boss, the dean, is ultra-busy (and, of course, he's my boss). I've even thought of going outside this system to make connections. I'm in a smaller town, though, where most everyone is married, family-going, and uninterested in friendships with someone who wasn't born here. (I'm a transplant... which makes me feel even more isolated.) So even my church and other places have not yielded anything more than acquaintances in these last 2 1/2 years.

Crap. It's just like high school all over again. And that was so bad I graduated early to get the h@ll on outta there.

Argh! Is it supposed to be like this?

[gbrown]

p.s. After finding that I took on the chair job, an acquaintance of mine actually said, "Here's the thing about being a teaching chair... it's going to suck down every minute of your time and you'll never, ever, get to work on your teaching." He sighed and added, "I haven't created one new assignment or handout since I became chair..." I notice that he's often at work until early evening... long after instructors have gone home. I notice this because I'm now in the office late into the day, too.

[vardahilwen]

What you're experiencing is actually a very common phenomenon.  When "one of the gang" gets promoted to "supervisor of the gang," this kind of thing almost ALWAYS happens. 

True friendships are rare in the workplace.  People are friend*LY*, they go to lunch,etc., and it's easy to mistake these relationships for personal friendships - we've all done it.  I'm in the same boat as you in one way - I moved to a new city where I knew no one, and have been unable, due to time constraints, to form friendships outside of work.  This means that my work gang, and those lunches and university functions, are pretty much the extent of my social life here.

In the workplace, people are hyper-aware of their alliances.  They know you as a colleague, but as a chair, you're an unknown quantity.  You're seeing a shifting of alliances.  You're no longer one of "us," you are one of "them" now, with all that entails.  (And "chair" is a pretty thankless position, in my opinion).

This same thing happened to me in a corporate job.  I was one of a pool of analysts, then got promoted to supervisor of the department.  Suddenly, my former "friends" were gossiping about me, avoiding me, etc.  I would walk into the lunchroom and conversation would stop.  It was painful.  Things took a tremendously positive turn when I transferred to another location in the company (same position). There, I was coming in as "boss," and the others respected that.  I still felt isolated, mind you, but the respect problems were resolved.

Things will get better with time - it's early days yet - but they will never go back to the way they used to be.  You're in a situation where you need to rethink your OWN alliances.  You have been distanced from your colleagues by virtue of your position, but this isn't entirely a bad thing - you need that distance in order to perform your job well.  You are smart to seek new alliances that are more appropriate to your new position.  You need a support system, but your former work "friends" are not going to be that support system.  They are not the right people to share difficulties and frustrations with anymore.  At the same time, you want to remain collegial with everyone.

I'm sure that you are overloaded with work, and overtired, so it's hard to take a step back and "see the whole board," as they say in the game of chess.  Your entire department is getting used to a new dynamic.  Over time, this new dynamic will become more routine to everybody.  Refocus on your own career and your own work, and remind yourself that the social discomfort will ease with time.  In the meantime, spend some time thinking about some new alliances that YOU might form.  Perhaps talking to other, more experienced, department chairs might help - I'm sure they are well aware of the difficulties you are facing, and could probably give you some good advice.

Your colleagues are focused on their own careers, and "what this means for ME."  They are not going to go out of their way to make you more comfortable, they are going to stick with their peers.  You're right, in a way it is like high school, but it's also rooted in the fact that everyone is concerned with their own careers and how they feel they can best position themselves.

I wish I knew the answer to all of this, but I think you're seeing a very common workplace dynamic at play.  I suspect that if you search the internet, you can find stories and advice on the subject of "I used to be their peer and now I'm their boss."  I send you all my best wishes.

Vardahilwen

[barred_owl]

Vardahilwen is exactly right.  It is lonely in the middle, and the experiences you're having are common.  Did I mention that vardahilwen is exactly right?  Read that post, memorize it, internalize it--there is much wisdom and good sense there.

[nottooinlovewacademe]

this is the cost of being chair, agree with other posts, then when you resign to the position, just did myselif after three years and tired of it, what you will find is that folks will be angry with you at first but then later things will more or less go back to where you were before. Remember always that being chair is temporary!  Being a good chair, however, no matter what they say, is really tiring and exhaust you. Some folks love it, others don't, I did for a while, I just started to resent it so I resign, my colleagues did not deserve to have an angry chair, no one does.

[gbrown]

What you're experiencing is actually a very common phenomenon.  When "one of the gang" gets promoted to "supervisor of the gang," this kind of thing almost ALWAYS happens. 

True friendships are rare in the workplace.  People are friend*LY*, they go to lunch,etc., and it's easy to mistake these relationships for personal friendships - we've all done it.  I'm in the same boat as you in one way - I moved to a new city where I knew no one, and have been unable, due to time constraints, to form friendships outside of work.  This means that my work gang, and those lunches and university functions, are pretty much the extent of my social life here.

In the workplace, people are hyper-aware of their alliances...

(Sob.) Thanks V. You have saved my bacon, emotionally speaking. I no longer feel alone with this weirdness... and know that others suffer in the same way...

I am rethinking my own alliances and will post again when I'm a bit more steady...

[vardahilwen]

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful.  Hang in there.  You can always post here for moral support.

[mitumba]

and I can say that it does get better. I was in the department for 5 years before becoming chair. There are still some actual friends (the kind who will still call you up to go for a movie), and there are people who want to remain on my good side, just in case. There are nervous adjuncts, and some factions (although, I have to say, my department is far better than many I've known). I do have a strong sense, though, that academics don't get a lot of respect from a lot of people anymore, and one of the best things I can do is to actually listen. It goes a long way. And I don't mean just literally listening (although that too), but when someone tells me something I can do something about, I try to do it as quickly as possible. If someone tells me that a classroom's equipment is acting up, I try to write the email to the techs while they're still in my office. We're under huge budget pressure now (as are a lot of departments), and I try to publicly recognize when people have contributed to the greater good of the department or college. I think it's obvious to the point of banal, but treating people like people rather than like units of production goes a long way.

I know the original post was about the loss of human contact at work when one becomes chair, and I know I felt that as well. I do think it gets better though, and treating people well pays off. I do sometimes envy schools that have a HoD system, where everyone knows that sooner or later they'll probably have to take their turn at it, so it becomes less of a big deal.

[obprof]

Because your role has changed, people may just be unsure of how to relate to you. They may be responding to this uncertainty by watching to see how others relate to you.

If you can, try to reduce their uncertainty, by taking the lead. Make some time to walk around and chat to people with their doors open, even if they are distant. If you see people eating together at a different table in the canteen, go up to say hi before you go back to eat by yourself at your desk.

Over time, they will get used to the idea of being friendly again. (Of course you may not be "friends" again, but maybe you never were anyway...).

[dellaroux]

Also, many people have countertransference issues with people in positions of authority; if they have never addressed serious childhood hurts, for example, they may suddenly (internally) "see" a parent's face masking yours and become confused by the cognitive dissonance.

Confused people back up and assess, make more distance, and become more guarded without any other clear apparent reason.

Reaching out with warmth, humor and no major issues/axes to grind whenever possible  (as suggested above) reinforces their ability to distinguish you from the figure they fear (if that's what's going on) and lets you both re-start the relationship on this new footing.

It's not your fault, and it's probably not theirs. It just happens sometimes.

Bon courage.

[oatmeal]

Interesting thread and I have found the discussion quite thought provoking. As someone noted, how many of these people were really your friends anyway? I think a lot of faculty mistake colleagues for friends; the two are very different. Becoming a Chair can change dynamics and interactions (relationships, if you will) with colleagues and that is to be expected. If a real friend is no longer your friend, then they were probably never a friend in the first place.

[baphd1996]

I guess I didn't have as much of a problem when I became chair.  I had already had the experience of being supervisor to friends years and years and years ago in the restaurant business, and I think I learned from it.  I made sure that like me or not, I had their backs and they knew it.  I made sure that the faculty and staff who worked in my Department had a voice.  When I had to make a tough decision, I made sure I explained it. 

When it was all said and done however I resigned because I couldn't put any time into teaching, as notsurechair has written.  I found I liked teaching better than being a chair. That was the main reason, but I do have to admit that I had different ethics than my Dean and found that I couldn't work for him.

[dellaroux]

Wasn't the chair/bear dynamic something amlithist was looking at? I wonder how that went?

[subsavant]

Yes, vardahilwen is exactly right. Once you become chair/head/whatever, you can trust no one. Everything you say or do or write will be parsed for meaning -- regardless of whether there is meaning or not.

You need to move your friendships (or at least business relationships) to a new level, similar in responsibility to yours. When I became head, I found the people I could relate to most easily and comfortably were other department heads. They are in the same position. They also need friends outside their departments who understand their position.

[thundering_m]

Second all previous responses, GBrown, and kudos for not getting so caught up in the status and busy-ness that you didn't notice the shifting tides. The fact that you are sensitive to these fragile alliances and your own need for stable relationships is a plus for you, painful though it may be as you get your bearings. The caution I offer you is to be careful to appear calm and stable, not needy, for if you are in a position of power, the weaker folks are looking to see if you are someone they can lean on. They are watching, albeit unconsciously, to see how you leverage power for their benefit, and yes, they are seeing if there are any trends in your decisions that help make you predictable in that position. They can provide no stability for you for they are looking to you for that stability.

The friend*LY* aspect is crucial: be the civility you hope the department to be. Hate to say it, but it's not about you but the role you are now playing. You just put on the uniform of the office, and function with integrity, that is, aligned with your own philosophy. Posting here helps you articulate that philosophy and rehearse your responses and decisions. Something that has helped me seems a bit corny, but it works for me: I have an old favorite of an inspirational poem that for some reason helps remind me of my center. Solid cliche, even made into a popular recording when I was very young: Desiderata by Max Ehrman. 

I use bumpersticker self-talk with affirmations that resonate: Divide and conquer. One step at a time. Students first. ATFQ. Be the light or the mirror that reflects it. Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. The reciprocal of depression is expression. Love the unlovable. Work is love made visible. You are the grown-up. Whatever works to help you breathe, relax, and be the man behind the curtain.